


Adore You

by perropascal



Category: Narcos (TV)
Genre: F/M, Sorry Not Sorry, and nearly all the facts about the case are twisted to fit this story, co workers to friends to lovers, everything to do with the CIA is made up, this is a slow burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-03
Updated: 2021-01-30
Packaged: 2021-03-05 20:41:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 11
Words: 111,345
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25681465
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/perropascal/pseuds/perropascal
Summary: In the summer of 1985, you are sent down to Colombia to help ease the political tensions rising between the DEA & CIA both working to take down Pablo Escobar and FARC. You are sent to be a voice of reason because of your background and expertise in the drug trade. But even you know that your position is purely ceremonial, a push for more visibility for women in the workplace. Reluctant from the start, you find partnership in your fellow DEA agents who show you friendship and above all else respect. But as time passes you see your partnership with the one and only Javier Peña start to blossom into something a little (or a lot) more.
Relationships: Javier Peña & Reader, Javier Peña/Reader, Javier Peña/You, Reader - Relationship
Comments: 67
Kudos: 136





	1. Prologue

Summer of 1985 - CIA Headquarter, Virginia, USA

You pick at your sleeve for what felt like the hundredth time as you sit outside the intimidating oak door. You scan the room and see the secretary still typing away seemingly ignoring your presence entirely. You look around and glance at the clock, and see that you have been sitting here for close to 45 minutes. You decide to wait 5 more minutes before asking the secretary for an update. You didn’t want to be imposing, and be seen as a bitch, but you also couldn’t be seen as a pushover. It was a delicate tightrope to walk.

You pull your skirt down one more time before the doors swings open and a chorus of laughter follows. You see the Director and two other of your fellow agents shaking his hand with huge smiles. Both of your peers see you and send you a smirk without saying a word.

“Good luck to the both of you,” the Director claps one of them on the back. “Can’t wait to see what you two can do.” He gives them both one final nod before turning to face you, his smile all but disappearing.

He motions into the room and you stand quickly and enter ignoring the smug look on your peers' faces. You don’t make any effort at small talk, knowing full well that the Director dislikes you just as much as you dislike him. SO you just sit in the chair across from his desk and wait for him to start.

“As you are aware we are making some major changes both here,” he motions around the room. “And with the shift, we are looking at the global landscape,” the Director doesn’t have the courtesy of making eye contact with you. “It would appear that your expertise has been requested elsewhere.”

You don’t say anything, just hold your breath - waiting. He looks up from the paper in front of you and smiles.

“The department has deemed it appropriate to send another expert, such as yourself, to assist in the hunt for Pablo Escobar, as well as aiding the Intelligence community in it hunt for all communist enablers.”

You are stunned and wait for him to continue, but he doesn’t just watches your reaction.

“Forgive me, Director, but Pablo Escobar is from Columbia if I’m not mistaken.”

“That he is,” there is a small smirk as he places his fingertips together and leans forward.

“But…Columbia is in South America?”

“Ah, good. It looks like I am indeed sending an expert!” You can hear the sarcasm practically dripping from his voice. “The CIA needs someone who is an expert on international drug trafficking to work with the DEA agents already in the field. You will be using your skills to try and help the United States avoid further conflict. And further embarrassment on such a global stage.”

“Again, forgive me, Director,” you lace your words with venom making sure he hears your anger. “But my area of expertise is in the Middle Eastern drug trade and Middle Eastern politics. The Middle East is located on the other side of the globe.” And before you can stop yourself the words rush out, “I understand that politicians such as yourself can sometimes get confused when planning your next war.”

That was the wrong thing to say. The Director’s eyes narrow at you.

“Miss - ”

“It’s Doctor, sir.” You figure if you are going to go out, you were going to go all the way. “I’m sure it slipped your mind again, but I am in fact a Doctor.”

At this, he stands and strides around the desk and opens the door. You take this as your queue to leave. You stand and start to walk out.

“Agent. Doctor. Whatever your title may be. I would be very careful and check your attitude. People may have been kind around here but the agents down in Columbia will not take too kindly to someone like you.”

“I believe the word you are looking for is ‘woman’, sir.” You see his nostrils flare and a wave of red hot anger grows behind his eyes.

“Good luck, Doctor. Let’s hope Colombia teaches you a lesson or two in how things work,” he slams the large oak door. You turn to his secretary who is smiling up at you with a very large grin. She stands up with a large yellow envelope and hands it to you.

“That took a lot of courage,” she whispers. Then she grabs another smaller envelope. “This is your official transfer. This should have everything you need. Travel papers. Visa. Airplane tickets. You leave Monday morning.”

“Monday?!” you look at her incredulously. “That’s not enough time to make arrangements….oh fuck it never mind.” You take both envelopes and smile at her. “Be seeing you.”

You try and control the incredible amount of anger that is threatening to spill over. You can feel the tears starting to form. But you had promised long ago you would never be caught crying at work.

“Oh look, Wilson. She’s gonna cry.” Your head snaps up and you see the two men who had exited the office before grinning at you. The two people you wanted to see least in the entire universe.

“Fuck you, Samson,” You growl as you try and ignore them looking down at the papers you had been given so hastily.

“You know, we are going to really miss you when we are lounging on the beach. Where are we going, Wilson?” Samson taps his ear, faking his own forgetfulness.

“Oh, hmm, I think it was Israel? Right?” You stop dead in your tracks and whip around.

“You two fucking clowns got Israel?” Your voice is a harsh whisper.

“Yeah, funny isn’t it. I guess that’s what you get when you don’t have a stick up your ass.” Wilson swats your ass and you are too angry to even try and stop him. You can feel the tears threatening to spill over.

“You. Aren’t. Even. Qualified.” You manage to get out through your teeth.

“You know, your right, sweetheart,” Wilson smiles at you. “I guess my Spanish just wasn’t good enough.” Both of them begin to laugh wildly at this. You take a deep breath, then smile at the two.

“You’re right, Wilson. I guess they just couldn’t trust you around all that blow,” You make an obscene gesture towards the both of them and turn on your heels to stride away.

You don’t remember the walk home, but as soon as you were able you jumped on your bed and curled into a ball. You told yourself that you were going to be sad just for tonight. That was it. You had this one night to be devastated, upset, and everything else in between.

But tomorrow you were going to wake up and you were going to pour yourself into your work. You were going to learn everything there was to know about Columbia. About the drug trade. About Pablo Escobar. And you were going to go to your job. You were going to do the best damn job anyone had ever seen.

And sure enough, as you gazed out the plane window early Monday morning you no longer felt sad about this new assignment, but optimistic, excited even. You were going to prove to them wrong once and for all that you had a place in the agency.

____♡____


	2. uno - sweet creature

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Your arrival in Colombia doesn’t go as smoothly as you pictured.

____♡____

Summer - 1985 - Colombia

“Damas y caballeros, estamos a punto de hacer nuestro descenso final a Bogotá.”

You glance up at the announcement as it pulls you from your reading. You had spent the entire flight doing everything you could to catch yourself up on the current political state of Columbia, trying your best to memorize names of important figures and facts that you figured would come in use later. You look out of the tiny window next to your seat and see the beautiful Columbian city below as the plane descends. 

Sure, this hadn’t been your first choice. Hell, it hadn’t even been in your top 20 choices. But you knew that you could do a lot of good here if given the opportunity. You knew that your expertise could help. You just needed to make sure that they understood that. And you figured that was all up to making a good first impression. 

You hustle off the plane and grab the two small bags that you had carefully packed full of your most essential items. The rest of your stuff would be arriving via mail anywhere from 10-28 business days. You glanced around the bag claim and saw a tall, blonde man standing close to the bar with his back turned. Without hesitation, you approached him and tapped him on the shoulder. 

“Agent Murphy, I presume,” you extend your hand as the man turns around surprised by your sudden appearance. He shakes your hand slowly as he looks you up and down.

“I am seriously hoping you are the new CIA agent I am picking up, or this is about to get real awkward,” he smirks down and waits for a response and he takes one final drag of his cigarette. 

“That I am,” you pick up your bags. 

“That’s all you brought?” He questions.

“Didn’t have a ton of warning about this transfer,” you just shrug and quickly try to change the subject. “Are you going to show me around?”

“Sorry, Doc, but we have a meeting. And we are gonna be late.” He reaches over and takes one of the small bags from your hand and gestures towards the exit. 

“Oh, great.” You weren’t thrilled about being thrown in so quickly, but you aren’t sure you expected anything less. 

“Don’t worry, you look great. Peña is going to be thrilled to meet you” he smiles at you and you feel as if there is some inside joke that you are missing. You decide to dismiss it as your paranoia kicking into high gear. Before you can think too much into Murphy interrupts your thoughts. “Hey, how’d you know who I was?”

“Well, you were the only gringo waiting in the terminal for someone, plus I could tell you were carrying a gun.” He just shrugs and looks at you thoughtfully. 

“Maybe you are as good as they say.”

“No, Agent Murphy, I’m better,” you wink at him as you exit the terminal. He leads you to the car and you jump in, exhausted and wanting nothing more than to just relax for a few minutes. You look in the side mirror and you can see that your make-up is slightly smudged, likely from the nap you took on the plane. You pull down the mirror and try and fix it as best as you can and you can feel Murphy looking at you. 

"So Doc, what exactly are you a doctor of, if you don’t mind me asking?” You look over at him and raise your eyebrows. “We will be spending quite a bit of time together this next little while. Just wanna know who I am working with,” he muses. 

“International narcotics trade,” you answer. “I’ll admit, my research focused primarily on the drug trade within Europe and the Soviet Union and its supplies on the Middle East and its effects on the United States. South America….is new on my radar.” You hate to admit it but you had decided that you wanted to come into this job honestly. You did not want to appear like you were trying to use your knowledge to cause trouble within the investigation. 

The car ride is shorter than you expected. You spend most of it staring out the window at the new city, enjoying taking in the new sights. Murphy briefly explains that you are meeting with the Head of Search Bloc, Horatio Carrillo. You nod along, you already know his name and you know his reputation. 

“So you did some research before you got down here?” He asks you.

“Yes.”

“Well, you are going to be a hell of a lot better off than I was when I first got down here,” he remarks as he pulls up in front of the police station and slams the car into park. You go to exit the vehicle, nervous but knowing that you are fully prepared for whatever is going to be discussed. But you feel Murphy’s hand on your shoulder. “Hey, don’t take it personally when Peña talks over you. He did it to me. I’m sure he’ll do it to you. He can be a….well, you’ll see.” He takes his hand off your shoulder and turns yanking the door open. 

“Wow, thank you, Agent Murphy. That’s very kind of you,” you try to keep the sarcasm out of your voice and make it sound like you are being genuinely polite. After all, you are quite used to gentlemen trying to warn you about someone being rude to you. But you were so used to being talked down by other gentlemen that it hardly warranted a warning. 

You step out of the car. You had tried to dress business casual for the flight: a pair of dress pants and a simple button-up. But now you regretted not dressing down a little more. The pants were a bit tight, you knew they hugged your curves, and as you stepped out of the car every head within 50 yards turned to stare at the new gringo in town. 

You tried to ignore the stares of every police officer followed by a few dog whistles and catcalls, but you could feel Agent Murphy tense up and walk a little closer behind you as if he was trying to protect you from the attention. As you ascend the steps to the building you see a tall dark-haired man talking to a small group of police officers. As soon as they lay eyes on you and Murphy they lose attention to anything that the man may have been saying and he slowly turns following their stares. 

You don’t smile as you approach the group and you see the dark-haired man scanning you head to toe as if analyzing everything about your appearance. 

“Parece que tienes una nueva novia, ay Peña?” 

The man turns and gives the man a stern look towards the officers, obviously disapproving of what they said. He turns back and extends his hand. 

“Javier Peña,” he says sternly. “I am assuming you are the new expert from Washington. Come to join the team. Unless Murphy made another mistake.”

“No. No mistake,” you just nod your head. Still aware of the officers whispering behind your back. 

“You’re awfully young,” Peña remarks. 

“And you’re awfully old,” you quip back with a smirk. You hear Murphy let out a small laugh from behind. You see Peña’s eyebrows arch up in surprise as he looks down at you through his yellow aviator sunglasses. 

“Cute,” Peña doesn’t smile but there is something in his voice that tells you he isn’t angry.

“¿Cuánto tiempo va a durar éste luego Peña?” One of the officers shouts out from behind. 

“Los últimos pocos de estos no lo han hecho tan bien amigos.” A few of them let out short laughs. 

“La única diferencia es que este es estadounidense. Pero eso no lo cambia para ti, ¿Peña?” One of the officers slaps him on the back and a few in the group like out long whistles. You are about to say something when Murphy steps in front of you. 

“What the fuck are they saying?”

“Nothing important.” Peña still keeps his eyes on you as you look out on the group of officers. 

“Are they saying something about our new partner because if so - ” Peña jerks his head towards Murphy. You try and say something but the two men seem to have forgotten that you were just a mere foot behind them. 

“You think I would let that happen?”

“Actually, I am not so sure you wouldn’t.” At this, you physically put a hand on Peña’s chest and smile.

“Hi, partner you are referring to here. If they are, I don’t care. Can we get this over with? I would like to unpack at some point today.” They both still look at each other and then Peña motions to the inside of the building. 

“Carrillo is waiting for us.”

“Thank you,” you stride past him. 

“20 platas que este se habrá ido a fin de mes!”

“Apuesto 20 platas que es porque Peña se la folla.” At this, there is a huge eruption of laughter and you look to see Peña grimace. 

“Any idea what this is about?” Murphy asks.

“Possibly.”

“Well, you are helpful,” Murphy sounds annoyed as he slaps his partner on the back

You walk into the small office and you are greeted by two officers. One of the two is a broad shouldered man with a stern look on his face. He nods at the other officer who quickly retreats without making eye contact. 

“Carrillo, we have been blessed with another addition. She’s here to help advise us on how to do our jobs better,” Peña gestures towards you and you introduce yourself. Carrillo extends his hand and gives you a firm handshake. 

“I was not aware we would be joined today,” you can tell he is not pleased to see you. He barely looks at you before turning to Peña. “La información que tengo es muy sensible. No tenemos mucho tiempo”

“Entiendo. Pero ella nos fue enviada de la nada. Si prefieres que esto sea privado - “

“Lo que mi compañero está tratando de decir es que si prefiere que salga de esta reunión, estoy feliz de hacerlo hasta que podamos hacer una presentación adecuada.”  
 _(“What my partner is trying to say is that if you would rather I step out of this meeting, I am happy to do so until we can make a proper introduction.”)_

All three men turn and look at you, all three appear confused. 

“Asi, que hablas espanol?”  
 _(“So you speak Spanish?”)_

You just nod back at the captain, trying not to look too triumphant. You spoke Spanish. You have been fluent since you were 10 years old. It was the second language, after English, that you had learned. You can tell that Peña is thinking this over in his head. 

“Please, don’t stop this meeting on my behalf,” You turn towards the door to leave. With your hand on the knob, you turn back.

“No desarraigé toda mi vida en los Estados Unidos solo para dejar de lado las conversaciones en Columbia. ¿Estoy seguro de que el Agente Murphy está de acuerdo?”  
 _(“I didn’t uproot my entire life in the US just to left out of the conversations in Columbia. I am sure Agent Murphy agrees?”)_

You look at him expectantly and can see that he is completely lost for nearly all of the conversation, and he is doing his best to piece together the few words he does know.

The police captain looks at you for a moment before he motions at you to return to the room. There is a briefest of moments where you feel triumph wash over you. You know that you had impressed him enough to allow you to stay in the meeting, and while you aren’t sure you can take the credit based solely on the way you acted, you are proud nonetheless. The meeting turns out to be brief and to the point. You don’t add anything else to the conversation, although you want to, deciding it is best to ease your way into the case, instead of trying to bulldoze your way in. As you are leaving you to see two of the officers that had been calling after you earlier. 

“Hey, can you give me just a second?” you don’t wait as you bounce towards the officers. “¡oficial! ¡oficial!” The two officers turn to you in surprise. 

“Antes estabas haciendo apuestas. ¿Si?”  
 _(“Earlier you were making bets. Yes?)_

They look at each other, uncomfortable, clearly realizing that you understood every word that was spoken. 

“Quería agregar a la apuesta. Aquí. 20 platas dice que soy yo quien trae a Pablo Escobar. Yo mismo.”  
( _“I wanted to add to the bet. Here. 20 dollars says I am the one to bring Pablo Escobar. Myself.”_ )

You slide the money out of your pocket and place it in the officers and give them the biggest, fakest grin you can manage. 

“Tener un día precioso.”  
 _(“Have a lovely day.”)_

You don’t wait for a response and instead turn on your heels to rejoin your partners. You just give them a smile as you walk past them towards the parked car. Both of your partners stand still for a moment looking at the two officers, who are still watching as you walk away, embarrassed. The little interaction had garnered the attention of everyone nearby, including Carillo, who gave a small nod towards your partners before retreating into the office. Murphy and Peña watch your retreating figure and Murphy lets out a long slow sigh before slapping Javier on the back with a laugh. 

“You’re fucked, partner.” 

  
____♡____

Fall - 1985 - Colombia

The next three months pass in a confusing blur of sleeplessness. You are working too much while still trying to adjust to your new life and new home. Even when you aren’t at work, you push yourself to learn more about Columbia. On the days when you aren’t working you spend time exploring the city - visiting museums and landmarks. Trying to find the best local food. Most importantly the best Columbian coffee. 

There was nothing easy about work. Not only was the case impossibly complicated, not to mention heartbreaking, but it was taking everything you had to make sure that everyone in your department saw you as more than a glorified secretary. You were often left out of meetings or people would conveniently forget to fill you in on important info.

For their part, both Peña and Murphy had done their best to include you in all the information. 

So needless to say that you were more than a little excited to finally settle down and dive into another book on this beautiful Friday night. You were excited to read more about one of the artists that were featured at the museum you planned to visit the following day. You had lost track of the time when you hear a loud knock at the door which snaps you out of your reading. You hadn’t been expecting anyone, you barely even knew anyone outside of your department, and so you cautiously looked out the peephole and to your surprise, your partner, Javier Peña, was waiting on the other side. You quickly unlock the three locks on your door.

“Javier, I wasn’t expecting you,” you say as you swing the door open. You see him open his mouth then close it as he takes in your outfit and suddenly you feel very self-conscious. You are wearing a t-shirt that is much too small and it is much too tight across your chest and it’s exposing a large portion of your stomach. On top of some shorts that are loose and comfortable, but very short. You see his eyes go wide for a second before looking back at you. 

“I wanted to brief you on something,” he says curtly. 

“Oh, yeah, sure come on in,” you step back to let him in. And he quickly crosses the threshold glancing around your space.

“Um, let me just grab something….” You quickly scoot past him and it is not lost on you that your ass passes dangerously close to him as you hurry to cover yourself up. You slip into your room and grab a pair of sweats and a baggy sweater and pull them on quickly before gliding back into the room. “Sorry, I was getting ready to go to sleep.”

“Little light reading?” Javier is holding the book you’d just put down with a smirk. 

“Yes.” You cross over and grab the book from him. “What was it you wanted?”

“Some new information came in late. I am headed to Medellin. Tonight.”

“Oh. Okay. What do you need from me?”

“To pack. I need you there with me.” Your eyes widen in surprise and you can tell he is a bit amused by your reaction.

“Are -are you sure you want me to go?”

“Yes. You know the information better than anyone in the Embassy.” You don’t want to admit how touched by this you are. You had been struggling to make people understand your value, and here Javier was telling you that your hard work was finally starting to show. “Plus, I need someone I can trust with me on this.” 

Again his words touch you, but you refuse to let him know that. 

“Well alright, when does the plane leave?”

“It’s cute you think the US government can afford a plane ticket.”

“Wait, you want us to drive there in the middle of the night? How long would we be staying?”

“Yes. Just the weekend. Back by Monday morning. At the latest.” You let out a heavy sigh.

“Can you give me a few? Just to pack some stuff.”

“Course.”

“Make yourself at home. Mi casa es tu casa.” You motion at the small living room and couch that had very few of your personal belongings. You walk back towards your bedroom as Javier settles himself on the couch and grabs at another book you have on the small coffee table. You can see that he is studying your apartment and for some reason, you feel incredibly self-conscious. For some bizarre reason, you need him to approve of it. 

“Is your place always this clean?” he asks as he looks around. You poke your head back out and smile. 

“No, actually this is a messy day for me.”

“Jesus, where the fuck is the mess?” You just smile at him and duck back into your room as you begin to pack the few outfits you had allotted yourself for the move down here. Your stuff still hadn’t arrived so you had been forced to make do with what you had. After a few minutes, you come out of the bathroom changed into a fresh pair of clothes, and completely packed. 

“Are we meeting Steve somewhere?” You ask.

“Well, actually, I think Steve is going to sit this one out.” He doesn’t look at you as he says this. And that’s when it dawns on you and you are suddenly furious with yourself for it not dawning on you sooner.

“You are a real piece of shit Peña. You know that?” Javier throws his hands up as you glare at him. “This mission isn’t sanctioned. And you thought you could dupe me into going along with you cause I’m the stupid new girl.”

“I don’t think you are the stupid new girl…because you figured this out a lot quicker than I anticipated.”

“Well, good thing. Have fun in Medellin.” You turn to go put your stuff back but you feel him grab your arm. 

“Wait, will you hear me out?” You tilt your head at his grip on your arm and look at him with furrowed brows. He pulls his arm back and rubs his hands together. “The information I got is good. But we don’t have a lot of time to act on it. If we go through the proper channels, it’s useless.” You glare at him for a moment. 

“I’m not a field agent, Peña. I am supposed to be a consultant. You know, so you don’t do something stupid to fuck things up more.”

“Then come with me. Make sure I don’t.”

“Where did you get the information?” Javier doesn’t respond and you roll your eyes. In the short time at the embassy, you had become familiar with his reputation. There weren’t many women in the office, but nearly all of them had a story of just how charming he could be. “Was she pretty at least?” 

Javier smirks. “A gentleman never tells.”

You step closer to Javier and stare at him for a long moment. There is a part of you that knows this is a desperately bad idea. You know that you should listen to what your head is saying, but your gut is telling you to go. You aren’t sure why. If it is to prove that you can be trusted, or if you feel like you need to prove something to Javier Peña. Or maybe the whole department. 

You take one step closer so you a mere inch from Javier’s face. You can feel his breath on your face as he continues to stare you down too. 

“I go if you promise to listen to what I have to say. I call the shots.”

“Why do you think I’m here, compañera?”

“Then what are we waiting for?” You smirk at Javier and push past him, leaving him to grab your bag as you exit your apartment.

____♡____

It turns out the information was good after all. Javier had been able to use his contact within the police force to gather a small group together rather quickly. But it was only a matter of time before someone tipped the narcos off about the lab that was about to be hit. So time was of the essence as the two of you parked the car a block up to join the rest of the raiding party.

“Here,” Javier hands you a bulletproof vest out of the trunk and you take it slowly and secure it around your torso nervously.

Javier cocks a gun and tries to hand it to you. You gulp and wave it away.

“I’m not a field agent,” You state. Javier looks at you for a long moment in disbelief. 

“You want to go into a narcos lab, with no gun?”

“I figure I got America’s bravest standing next to me. Why worry.” You wink at him but he doesn’t seem amused by this. 

“You seriously aren’t going to take it.”

“No, Peña, I am not a field agent. I have barely any training.” 

“And they sent you here. To a warzone.”

“You know if I had to guess, I would say you’re worried about me Agent Peña. And I am touched.” You make a fake over the top motion touching your heart.

“No, I am not. If you die here it’s going to be a lot of paperwork. And not to mention my job.”

“You are the sweetest man I’ve ever met,” you pinch his cheek and push past him and look through your binoculars. You can see the building and you can tell it is well guarded. “I count at least 4 guards. On the outside.” You hand the binoculars to Javier. 

“Yeah, they are well armed too. So you are staying here. To consult.” He looks at you and you swear you see a smirk starting at the corner of his lips.

“Fine. But stay in radio contact. Everything you do, I hear about.”

“Wouldn’t have it any other way, compañera.” 

You watch as the raiding party begins to move on the lab. Javier had ordered that one of the officers stay behind to protect you. You wanted to argue with him but you knew it was worthless because you have no good reason to say no. 

You decide to get on top of the car to get a better look with the binoculars. 

“Señorita, no creo que sea una buena idea. Las balas viajan lejos.”   
_(Miss, I don’t think that’s a good idea. Bullets travel far.)_

You look down at the officer and smile.

“Right, gracias,” you glance at his name tag as you jump, rather ungracefully from the car. “Santiago.” You hear the bullets start and you whip around. 

“Peña, come in. What the hell was that?”

In a heavy accent, Santiago smiles at you “Don’t worry, Miss. Estos hombres son los mejores en lo que hacen.  
 _(These men are the best at what they do.)_

You don’t say anything in return and instead, try and look back through the binoculars to see if you can see any of the action. You wait another full two minutes, hearing a few shouts here and there before trying the radio again. 

“Peña, come in. What’s the situation?” You listen to the radio but there is nothing but static. “Goddamit Peña, what the fuck is going on?” 

Then you hear a loud crash directly behind you and a yell. You whirl around and see a man wrestling for Santiago’s gun. Without thinking you run full force at the man but he is quicker than you anticipated. He reaches out and grabs you by your hair and shoves you down on the ground hard. You feel your nose hit the pavement and you hear a sick crack. You go to stand but you feel the man grab you again by your shirt and jerk you around so you are pulled against his chest. You can feel the warm trickle of blood running down your face as your vision blurs. You see him point the gun at Santigo and you try your best to kick back against him. You can make contact with his chin and he jerks violently back. 

The pain from your face is so intense and your vision is still blurred. You hear the shots ring out. You can’t tell if he hit Santigo. And so you continue to scream at the top of your lungs as you struggle against him with all your strength. Then you hear several voices and you try and blink to make the world come more into focus before you feel a cold metal pressed against your throat. 

“Parar. O le corté la garganta.”  
 _(Stop. Or I slit her throat.)_

You stop struggling as you feel the knife pressed against your throat a little harder. You can feel a small cut forming just below your jaw. 

“No, quieres lastimarla. Ella es Americana”  
 _(You don’t want to hurt her. She is an American.)_

You hear Javier’s voice and you suddenly feel a little calmer. You try and blink back the tears and focus on Javier but you can only see his outline. He has his hands raised. 

“Don Pablo me recompensará. Muerte a las putas gringos.”  
 _(Don Pablo will reward me. Death to American whores.)_

At this, you do something incredibly impulsive and incredibly stupid. His arm is right against your mouth and so without a second thought, you bite down as hard as you possibly can. When you hear him react, you kick as hard as you can landing it right between his legs. And you try and scramble out of his grasp but before you are out of his reach you feel him pull you back just enough to stick his knife right into your upper arm. You scream and fall forward on all fours and you hear several gunshots ring out around you and you try to crawl away. You can still feel the knife in your back and your breathing is heavy as you try and gain control. 

“Hey, compañera,” you feel someone touch your face and you slap it away. “Hey, hey, I got you.” Your vision is starting to come in and out. And you can barely focus on his voice. “You got to stay with me here, okay?” 

“Javier is - is Santiago - is he -” you can finish your sentence before you feel the blackness starting to engulf you and you feel your arms give out before everything goes black. 

____♡____ 

The first thing you are aware of is a loud beeping. 

For some reason, it takes you a ridiculous amount of time to open your eyes, and the light immediately blinds you You let out a groan and feel a sharp pain in your shoulder and arm. 

Then it hits you and you remember everything. And you try to sit up in the hospital bed. 

“Hey now, let’s take this slow,” you turn your head and see Javier coming to the side of your bed looking at you with tired eyes. You want to say something, but your head feels heavy and so you just stare at him for a minute. You slowly reach your good hand up and feel a thick bandage over your nose and you move your hand to your shoulder. Finally, you turn back to Javier.

“What… what happened to Santiago?” He looks at you surprised. He opens his mouth as if he is about to say something, then closes it. He looks at you and smiles. 

“You are safe,” he finally says. Without answering your question, you somehow still got your answer. You feel the tears begin to well up in your eyes. And it hurts. Your stupid nose begins to ache as you feel the tears spill over. You can barely move to wipe them away. “I’m going to go grab the nurse, yeah?”

You don’t say anything, just give him a small nod. He leaves the room and you feel your emotions start to overwhelm you. You start to breathe a little heavier and you can feel a panic rising in your chest. It is a feeling you are not familiar with, a panic that you don’t understand, and something you can’t seem to stop. You start to shake but your shoulder screams in protest. You hear the beeping from the machine behind you gets louder and more frantic, and two nurses rush into the room followed by a concerned-looking Javier. 

“Hi, I am one of the nurses who will be taking care of you,” a short older woman says in a very thick accent. “I am going to give you medicine to calm down, and it’ll help with the pain.” 

You don’t resist the two of them as they pull out a syringe and the nurse dips into her pocket and pulls out a tiny little bottle. You had always hated needles. You hated hospitals even more. You hated everything that had to do with medicine and doctors. So you turn and look at Javier who is watching from the end of your bed with his hands on his hips. 

“Tres, dos, uno,” the younger nurse counts down as she puts the syringe in your IV. The effect is instantaneous as you feel the medicine hit your system. You immediately close your eyes as your body becomes much lighter. Your mind stops racing and it fills with a fogginess. You blink your eyes a few times and then completely relax into the pillow.

When you open your eyes again the room is much quieter and much darker. You blink up and realize you must’ve drifted off. The lights are off in the room save for one small light in the corner that is laminating Javier as he hunches over a book. Your book. 

“A little light reading?” you rasp. Your throat is extremely dry and you take a big gulp. Javier looks up from his book and smiles at you softly. 

“Something like that,” he walks over to your side and gently sits down on the side of the bed. Without asking he hands you a small cup of ice water. You take it and gulp it down. “How are you feeling?”

You roll your eyes at him, and somehow even that hurts. “I’m doing great. Just great, thanks, partner.” Javier looks away from you and stands to rub his hands together. You can tell he is nervous about something. After a moment you set your water down and look at him. “Hey, Javier, this isn’t your fault.” 

“No, it is. This whole operation was a bust,” He looks out the window and puts his hands on his hips. “And you almost died because of it.”

“I almost died?” You raise your eyebrows at him, trying and failing to sound shocked. He chuckles softly. “The ambassador is not thrilled, I take it.” 

Javier reaches into his pocket and takes out a cigarette. He flicks his lighter and takes a long drag. “You know the answer, Doc.” He says as he lets out a long exhale. “It looks like you’ll be getting rid of me sooner than expected.”

“Don’t even joke about that,” You are surprised by your reaction. There is an overwhelming sense of….sadness at the thought of not having Javier as a partner. Even though you barely know him and yet you don’t want to imagine having to show up at work without seeing him. He was one of the few people that showed you real genuine kindness. Not only that but he had shown respect towards your opinions, which was rare enough. But to have a man of his status actually actively making sure you were included in conversations and debriefs was a level of respect you seldom received. “I think I will worry about that tomorrow.”

You wince as the pain in your shoulder begins to throb. 

“Do you want me to grab the nurse again?”

“Yeah, whatever they gave me…was nice.” You look at him shyly. 

“I figured. You were out all afternoon. I almost left, but your book saved me.” At this, you let out a small giggle. 

“You know a lot about the Colombian art scene, Peña?” 

“I am a man of many talents.”

You smile at him and then wince again at the pain. He turns to leave the room and you aren’t sure what possesses you. Maybe it’s the drugs already in your system. Maybe it is the fact that you are stuck in your least favorite place on Earth in a foreign country. But before you can stop yourself, you reach out for Javier.

“But….you’ll stay? Right?” You sound pathetic even to yourself. Javier turns and looks at you and he can see the tears starting to form in your eyes. “I don’t want to be left alone. Here.”

“Wouldn’t dream of leaving,” he winks at you as he opens the door to wave down one of the nurses. You sit there for a minute, your thoughts starting to go a million miles a minute again. You can feel the panic begin to rise in your stomach as a different nurse walks in. Without exchanging any words this nurse checks your vitals. She changes out the IV bag slowly stipping above your head. Then without warning, you feel the same feeling as before as your body begins to get lighter and your thoughts begin to retreat. The nurse says something to Javier but you can’t quite catch it. You see him flash his badge and the nurse just nods her head and retreats out of the room. 

“You know, Agent Peña of the D.E.A, I’ll tell you what? I like these drugs. A lot.”

“Yeah, well you are lucky I don’t bust you just for saying that.”

“In your dreams, Peña.” You look at him and see him take his seat across the room. He shuffles to get comfortable and pulls out your book. Again without any thought, all filters taken away you look at him. “Read to me?”

It was supposed to be a question but it sounds like a demand. Javier just smirks. 

“You want me to read you to sleep?”

“Yes, please, you have a nice voice.” Somewhere in the back of your head, there is a small sober part of you that is screaming at the embarrassment for saying something so personal. Something that hinted you had thought about him in more than a professional manner. But the drugs flowing through your veins are too strong for you to care.

“Alright.” He gets up and moves his chair a little closer to your bedside. And props the book open dramatically while looking at you. You just smile and close your eyes. “I just started chapter 4 discussing the influences that came from the impressionist era in Europe……”

____♡____

“The three of you better have a pretty damn good explanation as to why I am just now hearing about one of my agents getting injured in Medellin when she was supposed to be in here. And that there is an operation being run that I know nothing about that cost three Colombian lives”

“Ambassador there is a perfectly logical explanation - “

“Peña, I have just about had it with your bullshit around here, I have every reason to - “

“It wasn’t Peña’s idea,” You interject before she can finish her sentence. “I decided to drive to Medellin. By myself. Peña came because he couldn’t talk me out of it. He knew I didn’t have the field experience. He saved my life, actually.” 

You look at each face in the room. Steve looks utterly confused, Javier looks at you with amazement and the Ambassador looks at you dumbfounded before it turns to anger. And you know from that look that she doesn’t believe a word that you are saying. 

“Ambassador, what she is trying to say is that - ” 

“No, Peña,” you step in front of him. “It was all me. Peña had nothing to do with it besides saving my ass. I am the one that deserves punishment.”

“You know, Doctor, the Director spoke so highly of you before you came to us,” the Ambassador starts. “I have to confess I am a bit disappointed.” You try not to scoff at the idea of the Director having one nice word to say about you. You know she was lying straight through her teeth - trying to guilt you into confessing the real story, but you know better.

“As such, You’re suspended. Without pay. Until further notice. Now get out of here before I change my mind about him,” she points at Peña. You don’t say another word as you exit and make your way to your office. You were in a much smaller space that shared a wall with the DEA but you had it to yourself. Peña slams the door once you enter and you don’t turn to look at him as you start to gather your things. 

“What the fuck?” You can hear Peña’s anger and you just sigh. 

“I thought you would start with a thank you.”

“No, I didn’t need you to take the fall for me.”

“I know you didn’t. I did it because I am a gentleman like you.” You turn and smile at him. “Now if you’ll excuse me I believe I have a vacation to attend to.”

“No,” Javier grabs your good arm so you are looking at him. “Why did you do that for me?”

“Javier, they would’ve sent you packing. You know that” you look up at him. “She can’t fire me, so it’s better this way.”

“What do you mean?”

“You really don’t see why I’m down here?” You motion around the room. “You still don’t get why they put me here?”

“Isn’t it because you are an expert in drug trafficking or international law or something? One of the best?” He seems confused by your words. 

“Oh Javier no, you see I’m an expert in Middle Eastern and Soviet policy and European drug trafficking. I hardly knew a thing about Columbia before 3 months ago,” You put your hand up and pat his cheek. Maybe he really was genuinely a sweet man who couldn’t see the truth. He looks at you curiously with those big brown eyes. “I’m here to be the token woman. They want more women in the workplace, right? Well, you got one right here in Columbia. When you get Escobar or some other communist loser they will parade me around - to show off what women can do nowadays. To give speeches to recruits. Make the CIA look good. And so I’m stuck here.” 

“That’s - I don’t think that about you,” and there was such a sincerity in his voice that you can’t help but smile a little brighter. You just look at him for a moment longer than is normal, the pain medication you were on was making everything a little fuzzy - but in a good way. You realize in that moment that Javier Peña is a very attractive man. And you start to think that maybe the women around here were on to something.

You realize that you have been staring at him for an absurd amount of time, and there is a small smirk forming on his face. You shake your head and try and think clearly as you turn to leave.

“Sorry, these pain meds are stronger than I thought,” you stammer as you go back to grab your stuff to leave. You don’t look at him in case he still has that stupid, knowing smirk on his face. 

“At least let me make it up to you, compañera.”

“Peña, really, it is fine. Just get some work done while I’m gone, yeah?” You are trying to wrestle with your bag, but with the sling it makes it very difficult for you to get on. Plus you are still having a hard time seeing because of the stupid bandage on your nose. Overall you feel ridiculous and you know you probably look ridiculous too. 

“Hey, come on,” he steps up and grabs your bag, taking it into his hands. “At least let me drive you home. I don’t think you should be driving anyway.”

You huff. “Okay, fine. But only because my shoulder is killing me. Don’t get any ideas, Peña.”

He lets out a soft chuckle. “None, whatsoever.”

Seeing the drive, you shift uncomfortably several times as the car bumps along. Your shoulder really was killing you and you planned on popping another pill and heading straight to bed. You can see out of the corner of your eye that Peña is eyeing you closely as you go over another bump and you let out a small hiss of pain. 

“Come on, there must be something I can help with,” He stops the car in front of your building. And you struggle to reach for your keys. 

“If you are such a gentleman, you can bring me dinner so I don’t have to cook with this stupid thing. But honestly Peña, I am fine. I will see you when I see you.” You step out of the car and slam the door and you hear the window roll down. 

“You like tamales?”

You turn and see him leaning out of the car. “Of course.”

“Alright, good. I will see you later then.” 

You are in too much pain to think anything of that comment as you struggle into your apartment. You don’t even bother to make it to the bedroom. You just grab your bag of frozen peas that you had stashed away, pop another pill and collapse on the couch.

____♡____

There is a loud noise and you aren’t sure where you are for a moment. It takes you several seconds to blink your eyes open and you turn groggily to the side. Then you hear a knocking at the door. You sit straight up and you let out a tiny whimper of pain. You had been out of it for at least several hours because there was no longer any sunlight streaming through. Your shoulder was on fire as you tried and failed to stand. You heard another knock at your door. 

You weren’t expecting anyone. And a sudden fear ran through your veins. What if it was the sicarios here to finish the job? You quickly walk to the kitchen holding your injured arm and rummage around for a knife. You find one. Dull and basically useless since you could barely lift one of your arms, but you were hoping it was more for show. There is another louder knock.

You walk to the door and look through the peephole. To your utter surprise, your partner Javier Peña is waiting on the other side. Baffled as to why he had returned you slowly undo the locks and swing the door open without another thought.

He was raising his hand to knock again as the door swings open and you stare at him as he freezes for a moment. A sly smile plays on his lips as he takes in your appearance. 

“Good nap?” He quips.

“The best,” you say quickly. You reach up and hold your shoulder with your hand still holding on to the knife. “What are you doing here Javier?”

“You said that I could help by bringing you dinner and something to numb the pain,” he reaches in and grabs a bottle of whiskey. “And you said you liked tamales.” 

You just stare at him for a moment wondering what his plan is, and why he is really here. There is another stab in your shoulder and you wince. You know you need to eat something before you take more medication so you don’t say another as you step aside to let him in. 

“Is that your home security then?” he nods at the knife in your hand. 

“This and my rage,” you look at him deadpanned. 

“Right, well remind me that we need to get you something better.” He chuckles as he takes the knife from your good hand and makes his way into your apartment. He doesn’t even hesitate as he makes his way into your kitchen and sets down the bag of food and begins to rummage around looking for plates. 

“Jesus, kid, are you always so fucking neat?” You smile at him. 

“Yes.” 

“You color-code your glasses? Really?” He points at the cupboard and you see the neat little rows of glasses that had been provided with the apartment, all arranged by color and size. 

“It is….,” you hesitate to answer. You never liked to reveal too much of yourself to your co-workers. You had found that in the man’s world, getting too personal meant that they would always think less of you. That somehow those personal details made you a more emotional partner. That those details somehow impeded your abilities. “It’s a habit I picked up.”

You answer, deciding that while you were impressed by Javier, you still did not fully trust that he wasn’t like every other male co-worker you’d ever had. 

“Ever considered that a little disorganization might be a good thing?”

“I have,” you reply as you sit down at the small table trying to move your stiff shoulder. And you wince in pain as you try and roll your shoulders back. “Fuck,” you hiss. “Shit, this fucking sucks,” You say as you move your good arm up and along your jaw, which was littered with bruises, and touching the small cut the knife had made on your neck and up to the bandage on your nose. 

“For what it’s worth, you are still one of the most beautiful women I’ve ever seen. Even with all that,” Javier sat down across from you as he motioned to your torn up face. 

“Jesus, Javier, you really can’t help yourself can you,” you let out a small giggle. 

“Please, call me Javi. And it is just an observation. Plain and simple,” he sets out the takeout containers he brought and puts a plate in front of you. He pours himself a large glass of whiskey and then pours you a smaller one and sets it in front of you. You don’t say anything about it and instead just push it aside.

“Okay, Javi. I keep forgetting that you are an expert in all things women,” he scoops up two tamales and places it in front of you. The smell fills your nostrils and you realize you are famished. You don’t wait for him to serve himself before you are unwrapping the tamales. You don’t even use the fork he set out - instead diving right in, all sense of manners gone. 

“I think I might be the opposite, actually,” he smirks at you as you continue to devour the tamales basically whole. “There’s plenty of food. Don’t rush.” You want to say something witty back at him but your mouth is too full for you to form the words. You let out a little giggle and a small piece of food launches out of your mouth and lands somewhere on the table. 

For a split second you are mortified but then as you think about it - it becomes the funniest thing in the world. And you have to hold your hand over your mouth to stop more food from coming out as you start to laugh harder. You see Javi start to laugh along with you and for a moment the two of you laugh together. Then a pain shots down your shoulder and let out a small gasp as you place your good hand over it. Javi nods towards your shoulder. 

“Do you need help with those bandages?” he says softly.

“No, I’m not supposed to change them again till tomorrow. Though I’m considering taking this off before then,” you run your hand along your nose. He reaches across and pours himself another glass of whiskey. And you note he is taking much smaller bites of his food. 

“Are you going to need help? I mean you can’t really - ” he motions to your slung shoulder.

“Do anything?” you finish his sentence with a smile. “No, I’m a big girl. I can take care of myself.”

“Are you sure? I can help. It’s not a problem, I live 5 blocks away.”

“You know? If you don’t mind, I would like to stay up to date on the case. It will make it easier for me. To be here. Not working,” you look at him as you motion around your sparsely decorated apartment.

“You want to work, while you’re supposed to not be working?” he cocks his eyebrows at you, amused. 

“Just little updates. So I don’t feel completely useless,” you give him a little half-smile, not wanting to sound too eager. He considers you for a long moment. 

“I can do that.”

“Wait, really?” You are surprised that you don’t have to push him further to be included.

“Yeah, you deserve to be involved. And after what you did…it’s the least…” he doesn’t make eye contact and instead takes a long sip out of his drink. You roll your eyes at him.

“Seriously. Don’t mention it again, Javi. I mean that.”

“Well, I owe it to you.”

“Fine. Then don’t leave me out of it, partner.” He raises his glass to you. 

“I guess I’ll have to stop by tomorrow, then? Help you with bandages and debrief?”

“Any excuse for me to have these tamales again, I’ll take it.” You smile at him as you take another huge bite. And for the first time today, you feel like everything might just turn out okay after all.


	3. dos - medicine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You recover from your injuries with the help of your new friend.

Fall - 1985 - Colombia 

The first two weeks of suspension were spent in a haze of painkillers, long naps, and putting minimal effort into anything and everything else. Javier had made good on his word and had been by every night with some form of food and a debrief of any events that may have occurred. He is surprisingly helpful... And he introduces you to some amazing local food, which you have to admit is the most exciting part of your day: to see what he brought you for dinner. He always brings a bottle of whiskey with your dinner. You don’t comment on the amount of half-drunk bottles now stored under your sink because you don’t want to seem ungrateful. He also helps with changing the bandages, which you think would be impossible without him.

The first couple of days you were very self-conscious to take off your t-shirt and stand in front of him in just a sports bra. But he never commented on your appearance or your nakedness, in fact, the softness of his touch made you feel comfortable. Not to mention how he did his best to distract you from the pain with bad jokes. 

Both he and Murphy were trying to keep a low profile after his last fuck up. They, like many others, had been thrilled by the extradition treaty, which was seen as a victory against the narcos. You voiced your concern about how they might try and retaliate - which earned you an eye roll from nearly everyone. But besides trying to further help the Minister of Justice there was very little work coming from the DEA. The CIA, however, was actively pursuing the leads of FARC leaders and attempts they were making against the current Colombia government. 

After the second week, you started to pay very close attention to the debriefs that Javier was bringing. You had asked him to bring you certain files so that you could try and continue to work from home. As you are looking closely over notes made about your incident, you heard Javier behind you.

“You’re crazy. You should be enjoying suspension. Not getting caught up in this shit,” You ignore Javier as he pours himself another drink watching you scribble notes on your notepad. 

“Did you know this?” You slide the file over, pointing at a picture. “The man who attacked me has a brother. Also with the narcos.”

“Yes, he is just a lab rat. Nothing major,” Javi takes a sip of his whiskey and looks at your concerned expression. “There’s nothing there. I checked it out.”

“Oh?” You look at him with an amused expression. “Concerned about me again, Peña?”

“Yes. I’ve told you, you dying would be a major inconvenience to the investigation.”

You just smile at him. You really didn’t want to admit how much you enjoyed your nightly routine with Javier. Besides all the work talk, it turned out that he was also easy to talk to about anything and everything. You were surprised about just how much you enjoyed sharing tidbits from your day. You think it was because you were starting to go crazy being stuck in your apartment, but you also think it’s because Javier is a great listener. He never interrupts you. He always seems invested in what you are saying. And he seems to enjoy whatever it is you chose to share.

So the next evening when the clock strikes 8 pm and you hadn’t heard the familiar knock, you begin to pace nervously, hoping that nothing happened at the office to keep him. At 9 pm you decide to call the office to see if there is still anyone there. It eventually goes to the machine. Still concerned, you decide to call Javier at home just to make sure he is okay. You sit nervously next to the phone as it rings several times before you hear his low voice on the other line.

“Agent Peña.”

“Javi, it’s me,” you realize that you have nothing to add and so you sit for a second, kicking yourself for even calling him in the first place.

“How can I help you, Doctor?” He sounds slightly annoyed and so you shrink a little bit into your chair. 

“I just wanted to make sure you were okay….you know…since you aren't…..here,” it takes you way too long to stumble through that sentence because you can hear another voice in the background. And you realize in horror that you had interrupted Javier in the middle of one of his late-night meetings. You can hear him whisper something to whoever is there and then to your relief, you hear him chuckling a little into the phone. 

“It’s Saturday, Doc,” your jaw drops for a moment because you had completely lost track of time during the week. “Or are you always working?”

“Oh my god, Javi, I forgot it was the weekend. I think I’m going crazy being stuck here. Forgive me.”

“Easy. Nothing to forgive.” You can hear the other voice get a little closer to the phone and sounding a little more eager to get Javier’s attention back. 

“I can tell you already have plans for the evening. I won’t keep you then,” you have to stifle a laugh at how awkward this feels.

“You know, I think we need to work on getting you out of the house,” he muses. 

“I’ll think about trying it tomorrow. Don’t have too much fun without me, Peña,” you hang up the phone and let out a laugh. Maybe you really were going crazy. So you decide to make a plan for something to occupy your time for the next few days. You wanted to check out a few things you had made note of from the files Javier had brought you. So you spend the next little while contently making a plan for the following week and making sure your apartment is spotless before putting yourself to bed. And you can’t help but feel a bit sad you didn’t get to see Javier. You had a whole speech planned for him about why you didn’t support Regan’s drastic anti-communism agenda and your opinion on the matter. As you start to drift off, your thoughts linger on Javier and how happy you feel when you are around him. He had become a good friend, someone you felt comfortable around. But that was it. Nothing more than two adults being friends. 

Yeah. Right. 

____♡____

You spend Sunday following through on your plan. You know you can’t drive so you take the local buses and a taxi. You follow the notes you had taken from the files, trying to casually take a few pictures. You tried your best to look like a dumb American tourist as you traveled around as to not raise any suspicions. You doubted that your presence was notable but you did your best to make sure that you didn’t do anything to call attention to yourself. Once the sun starts setting and you know you can’t do much more, you turn your sights towards home.

You’re exhausted by the time you slug yourself up the three flights of stairs to your apartment. And you are surprised to see a figure sitting outside your door. You jingle your keys and Javier’s eyes meet yours before he jumps to his feet and grabs you by both arms looking you up and down. 

“Are you okay? Where were you?” He says frantically. You look at him bewildered. You have to shake yourself out of his grasp.

“I was out,” you look at him, still confused by his reaction. “What’s going on?”

“I came over with dinner, and you weren’t here. I was worried,” he pulls back and looks at you for a minute. “Where’d you go?

"Around,” you push past him and open your door. Still exhausted from today, you were very much looking forward to collapsing onto your bed as soon as you got home, but Javier picked up the bag of half-eaten take out and followed you inside.

“Yeah, well I was looking everywhere I could - ”

"You went looking for me?“ You turn around and look at him with a mixed expression. 

"Yes,” he just rests his hands on his hips. You look at him for a moment and try to understand what exactly he was thinking. Why would he come here, on a Sunday, to just bring you dinner and talk? Was he looking for something else? You find that you are too tired to entertain any of those ideas and so you point to the bag.

“What’s for dinner?" 

"Well, it’s cold. But I brought pupusas,” he doesn’t wait for you as you go to your room to change out of your street clothes. He just goes to the kitchen and you can hear him shuffling around looking for your microwave plates, which you had pointed out on more than one occasion were different than your regular plates. 

“Hey, so today I decided - ” you walk back in on Javier on all fours reaching under your sink and pulling out yet another bottle of half-empty whiskey - the ones you had been stashing away and meaning to get rid of. He looks up at you as you approach and you bite your lip.

“Either you have a serious problem or there is something else you don’t want to tell me,” he looks at the dozen or so bottles on the floor of the kitchen and then back at you. 

“Uh, yeah I can explain,” you regret not throwing the whiskey away as you bend over to pick a bottle up. “I - uh - I just don’t like whiskey.”

“You know, you are a tough nut to crack sometimes. I can bring you wine,” he chuckles as he grabs one of the bottles, opens it, and sniffs it before pouring some into a glass.

“No, actually, I’m good with just the food,” you sit down as he heats up one of the plates. 

“What? You don’t drink?” He smirks at you meaning it to be a joke, but he sees you shift uncomfortably in your chair, avoiding eye contact and unintentionally answering him. “You know, you can share things. About yourself. With me. I’m not going to…say anything." 

"I know,” you play with the sleeves of your sweater. “I just have had bad experiences. In the past. With people getting to know me… and not having my best intentions in mind.”

“Alright,” Javier puts your food in front of you and shrugs. “We start small. I’ll tell you something and you tell me why you don’t drink.”

“Depends on how good your secret is,” you smile at him as you take the first bite and the flatbread starts to fall apart.

“Well, the first thing you should know about me is that reheating a pupusa is not the right way to eat a pupusa,” he points at the masa flatbread in your mouth. “And second, I’m from a small town in Texas. But I don’t miss it. At all actually.”

“Hardly a secret since you’ve mentioned it before, but you tried so,” you set the food down and look at him for a moment. “My parents…..my whole family really….but my father really….,” You start slowly, trying to find the right words. “My parents drank. A lot. Among other things. But they were not kind. To each other. Or us. And alcohol is what I blame most.” There is a long pause as you just stare at the ceiling. You hated talking about your past. You had found it made you look weak, pathetic even. And so you avoided it altogether. You were guilty of doing this with everyone, not just your colleagues. 

“Hey, I’m sorry,” He reaches out and takes your arm in his hand and you look into his soft brown eyes as he smiles at you gently. “I didn’t mean to pry. I just meant you can trust me. As a friend." 

"No, I know, I just don’t like mentioning it because people think it’s odd for someone in our profession not to drink,” you look at him and put your hand on top of his. “I do trust you. A little at least." 

"Well, I don’t know how you do it, but I don’t think you’re strange,” he tips his glass to you as he takes another sip. “At least I have a hefty supply here for a while." 

You both look over at the bottles lined up on the floor and laugh. Your heart feels a little lighter as you look at the laughing Javier. You had just told him something you had been shamed for so many times in the past, and he hadn’t even blinked an eye at you. He had embraced it. And you felt happy to have that connection. You just look at him and smile as you take another large bite of the crumpling pupusas.

You are startled back into reality by your phone ringing. You look at it puzzled and try to chew your food quickly to answer but Javier beats you to it grabbing the phone.

"This is Agent Peña,” he answers. And you jump up trying to get the phone out of his hand as he listens to the other line. He cocks his eyebrows at you and looks at you with a look of concern, before slowly handing the phone to you. “I think you need to take this….alone.”


	4. tres - so open

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> there are some major hiccups as you return to work in Colombia.

____♡____

fall - 1985 - Colombia

The next day Javier was surprised when the phone rang as soon as he walked into the office. He was even more surprised when he heard your voice on the other line, given how you had left things the night before. 

"Oh thank God," you breathe through the phone. "I really need to talk to you."

"Yeah," Javier sits down at his desk and takes a cigarette. "What do I owe the pleasure of such an early call?"

"I called to apologize for last night and well, I need your help, kinda," you rush the words out as quickly as you can, Javier can tell that you are moving around your apartment in a hurry as he hears you swear when there is a loud clatter on the other end. "Fuck sorry, are you still there?"

"Yes, I am waiting for the apology," Javier smirks.

"Right, I am sorry I kicked you out. I just wasn't expecting….that person. And something has come up because of it, that's why I need your help," again you are rushing through your words clearly trying to get through this conversation as quickly as possible. 

"Of course," Javier just takes another long drag of his cigarette as he looks up at a tired-looking Murphy walking in the office. He doesn't even acknowledge Javier as he comes and picks up the mug on his desk. Javier snaps his fingers and points to the mug on his own desk, and Murphy rolls his eyes as he dramatically grabs the mug.

"I'm needed elsewhere. For personal reasons. It will only be a couple of days. Can you make sure they don't call me back into work? Just till I get back."

"Is everything alright?" Javier asks knowing full well you won't give him the truthful answer. 

"Yes, I'm fine. It's just some personal things I need to take care of real quick. Not a big deal. Can you just cover for me?" 

"I suppose. What if they do decide they do need you?" Javier takes the last drag of his cigarette before stubbing it out in the ashtray.

"Well tell them I'm busy or something," you are clearly annoyed, but Javier can't tell if it is from him or if you are just in a bad mood. 

"What if I need to get a hold of you? To consult?" 

"If I give you a number you might be able to reach me at, will that suffice?"

"Might be able to reach you? I'm not sure - "

"Listen, it's my cousin's house phone. They are a little rough around the edges but if you ask for me they will be able to track me down and I'll call you back. Alright?"

"You are being awfully mysterious about this..."

"And what are you going to do about it, Peña?"

"Can I at least ask where you are headed?"

"You may not." There is a very long silence on the phone, and you can tell that Javier is not amused by your mysteriousness. You wait for him to say something and when he doesn't you let out a frustrated sigh. "Ugh, fine. Home. I'm going home." 

"I don't think you ever mentioned..." he lets the sentence trail off. You stop packing and pinch the bridge of your nose. You still don't know why you are so reluctant to share information. Especially since Javier had proven he was trustworthy. But it was not in your nature to share any personal details. Ever. Even if you did actually like Javier as a friend, you just didn't share it with people. You had built big, huge, giant walls around yourself and no one had been able to climb over them in years. And you had no plans on changing that anytime soon.

"Colorado. I'm from Colorado." You whisper it into the receiver as if there may be someone eavesdropping. Javier can tell from your tone that this was another fact you very rarely share with others. 

"See? That wasn't terrible. Trust goes both ways, Doc," he smirks into the receiver as Murphy hands him a fresh mug of coffee. "Course I'll help. Are you sure you should be traveling….with your shoulder and all?”

"I don't exactly have a choice. But don't worry about me."

"I'm not worried. Will you at least call and let me know you got there safe?" This time you are surprised by his request. You pause from zipping up your bag and tilt your head. You aren't sure the last time someone had said something like this to you - that they wanted you to call, they wanted to know you were safe. And a warm feeling starts to rise in your chest. 

"You know Peña, I am starting to think you're getting a little too concerned about me." You sit on the edge of your bed and bite your lip. The idea of Javier caring about you terrified you beyond reason. Even if it was just friendship, it scared you to think that there was someone that might care if you decide to disappear. That there was someone, especially someone in such a dangerous profession, that you would be attached to and care about should something happen to them. 

"Not concerned, simply making sure the person I am covering for isn't dead. Again, that would be very inconvenient for me. And Murphy."

"Fine, do you have a pen? I'll give you the number," you hear him grunt in return and you give him your cousin's number. "I would only call them if it's important. They are not….the easiest. I'm so sorry in advance if you talk to them."

"I think if I can handle the sicarios, I can handle your cousins."

"Yeah, well you haven't met them yet," you mumble through the phone as you lean forward and rub your temple. There is a long silence and you can hear Murphy in the background asking a question and a few other voices. 

"If that's all Doc…"

"Yeah, yeah," you sit up. "And thanks, Javi. I appreciate it. Anything you need stateside?"

"Nope, I got everything I need right here."

"Okay, well, I will see you in a few days…." you are about to hang up the phone when the rational part of your brain shuts off. "Wait Javi!"

"Yes?"

"Whatever Josue said….I can explain. I swear. He isn't who he says he is. He is….well okay, he is a good friend. But it's so much more complicated than that," you have no idea why you are explaining to him the personal phone call that he had answered in your own apartment. But you feel this urgent need to make him understand. You wanted him to know that you aren't crazy. You need him to know that whatever this might look like, you still want to be friends. "It's difficult to explain...impossible actually...but this isn't what it looks like." 

"I think we got enough personal info out of you for the day, Doc," Javier chuckles slowly on the phone. "You can explain everything over dinner when you get back." 

"Right. Be safe, Javi. I'll call you when I'm back."

"Be safe, Doc. I'll try and keep the stupid to a minimum while you are away." You giggle at him as you hear the line go dead. You look back over at your bag and let out a long breath dreading the next 24 hours, but instead of delaying it anymore, you grab your bag and trudge out the door.

____♡____

Going back to work turned out to be easier than you expected. It happened in a rush. After your very quick trip home you had spent a few weeks passing the time following up on the case notes Javier brought you. This was before one afternoon when you received a frantic call from your department head. Something had happened to the Colombian Palace of Justice. M-19 was involved. And you were needed to speak to leaders and politicians to assure them that the situation was under investigation and being taken very seriously by all those involved. 

During the few days during and after the hostage crisis, you had almost no extra time, even spending two nights sleeping at the embassy. You had barely seen any of your DEA partners until the next briefing when to your surprise, Javier and Murphy both tried to connect the attack back to their investigation into Pablo Escobar. It was the first you were hearing about it and it surprised you how confident both seemed in their suggestion. 

After the briefing you pull them both aside, trying to get a clearer picture as to why they were willing to make such a bold assumption. Both seem hesitant to answer you. Finally, Javier tells you he will explain everything if you come over to his apartment tonight. And so you do, arriving promptly at 8 pm and letting yourself up the stairs and knocking at his door. He opens the door and you are just about to comment on the mess that he lives in when you see another woman standing a ways back looking at you sheepishly. A woman who you instantly recognize. 

"Are you out of your fucking mind?" you whirl around and face Javier as the realization of what is happening dawns on you and you do nothing to hide your anger. 

"I can explain -”

"Fuck no!" You shout as you make your way back to the door, but Javier blocks you from leaving. "You do know that she is a wanted felon here in Colombia, right? Not only that but she is wanted by, oh hmm I don't know - the United States government for her connection to M-19."

"I am well aware - "

"Are you Javier because harboring a fugitive is not only illegal but it is considered treason to enable a communist and now, you stupid bastard, you got me involved and I'm a fucking accomplice!"

"Hey, look," he takes both your arms so you are forced to face him but you rip them away and huff in anger as you glare at the woman. She looks a little taken aback by your outburst as she sits down on the couch. "Give her ten minutes. Then if you still don't believe she's important we will forget this ever happened."

"Oh, I'm going to fucking forget this happened, you can believe that," you look at him with narrowed eyes. 

"I wouldn't be asking you this if it wasn't important," he says softly and there is something about the way he looks at you that causes you to crack and you look at the girl with a sigh.

"She gets five, and only because I'm choosing to trust you, Javier. Remember that," you just give him a long hard look trying to understand what he could possibly be thinking. He just nods towards the couch. So you go and sit down in front of the woman as the two of you glare at each other.

"Talk," you bark at her. And so she does. She explains everything. Her connection to M-19. Her brother. The deal that was made with Escobar. And why it worried her and how she had been able to connect with Javier. You listen to what she has to say and when she is finished you don't say a word to her. Instead, you stand up and give her a little nod grabbing your bag as you make your way to the door. You glare at Javier as you put your hand on the knob. "You really are one dumb fucking cunt."

You yank the door open and intend to slam it closed but you can hear Javier marching out behind you and down the stairs. You push the door to the building open, and start to frantically reach through your purse looking for the emergency cigarettes you only use in times of high stress. You can feel a tap on your shoulder as Javier's hands you an already lit cigarette and you yank it from him and scowl at him. 

"Go back to your girlfriend, Peña," you snap as you turn and start to walk towards your apartment. 

"It's dark. I'm not letting you walk home alone," he says as he lights his own cigarette and starts to follow a few feet behind. You roll your eyes. It is silent for a few minutes, except for the sounds of your footsteps. As you get within sight of your building you feel Javier get closer and lightly grab your arm so you are half-looking at him. "Can you help, or not?"

"Help how?" 

"She is important. She connects the attack to Escobar. If she can testify - " At this, you throw back your head and let out a bitter laugh. 

"Javier, you can't be serious?" He looks at you with a shrug of the shoulders. "Even if what she said is true, which I am still skeptical of some of the details, and if she could somehow prove that and, wait - " you hold up your hand as Javier takes a step forward. "I'm not finished. If she can prove everything. The connection to Pablo. Her non-involvement. The payment. She is still M-19. She is still a communist in the eyes of the US government. Nothing else matters."

"She can prove that he is paying M-19 to sabotage a foreign government! He is aiding and abetting communists - " 

"According to _one other_ communist," you look at him with a sad smile. "I know how important this is to you. But she can't help your case. I'm sorry that's just how these assholes see it."

"Yeah? And how do you see it?"

"It doesn't matter how I see it, I can't change the US policy. No one in the department is going to care what I think about her story. "

"I care what you think."

"Of course I believe her, Javier," you look at him and put your hand on his cheek. "And yes, I think what she is saying is important. But I am trying to tell you, none of that matters." He looks at you for a long moment and you can see a sadness behind his eyes that you don't recognize. "You love her?"

He shrugs your handoff and rolls his eyes. He doesn't answer but reaches back in his pocket and pulls out another cigarette. 

"Wow, well, I'll be damned. The great Javier Peña. In love."

"I didn't say that."

"You didn't have to," you wink at him. And he just turns away from you as he takes a long drag of his cigarette. You walk up next to him and put out your hand, and he looks at you reluctantly before handing it to you. "Please tell me you didn't offer her a visa."

"I did. But I doubt she will take it."

"Well, you better hope not, because she won't be getting one. And it's not because I'm jealous that she's captured such a handsome man's heart. She won't be welcome in the US. Regardless of circumstance."

"She can help us catch one of the world's most dangerous men."

"You need to remember that the US is only fighting one war here in Colombia. And it has nothing to do with cocaine. Or Escobar."

"She can prove otherwise," Javi looks at you exasperated. 

"If she was anyone else, possibly. But it won't work that way. I am sorry, Javier. But that's just politics." 

"Yeah, well what now?"

"I am sure Pablo is already looking for her. If she really can connect him to M-19. She needs to flee the country before…" You can't bring yourself to finish the thought. 

"Can you help me with that?"

"You want me to smuggle a known communist across the border of a foreign country that is actively seeking her for her involvement in one of the worst crises this country has ever seen?"

"Yeah," he looks at you with a frown. "Is that too much to ask?"

"Perhaps." You sigh and look at a defeated looking Javier. You walk over and take his hand and squeeze it tightly on your own. You look up into his eyes and you can see that he is being sincere. You know him well enough to know that Javier is a good man with good intentions, even if it meant that there were other consequences. "I'll get you what you need."

He looks up at you with a much brighter expression. 

"Can you just promise me one thing in return?"

"Anything."

"No more sleeping with communists. It's making this case more complicated," you look up and see him smirking at you. 

"I can't make any promises, but I'll try my best,"

"I guess that's all I can ask, Agent Peña. Now go home. I'll see you tomorrow," you give him a brief side hug. You want him to know that despite your anger earlier, you're actually proud that he isn't as brainwashed as the rest of the world. He saw someone who needed help and he had helped her, despite the fact she was considered an enemy of the people. It only furthered your belief that Javier Peña was a good man under his rough (very rough) exterior. He didn't like to admit it or show it really, but it was moments like this that helped you to paint a different picture than what others saw in him. And it made you grateful that he was your partner and you suppose he was a good friend now too. 

____♡____

winter - 1986 - Colombia

"Well, since this isn't going anywhere tonight, do you mind if I head out?" You glance up from the stack of papers in front of you and see Javier standing to shrug on his leather jacket. 

"Afraid of a little extra work, Peña?" You look down at the humongous stack of papers and photos mixed in a chaotic mess and you suddenly feel the need to join him.

"No, actually I have a late-night meeting, with a potential lead."

"Oh, well then," you roll your eyes at him as he snubs out his cigarette and looks at you with a smirk. "By all means Agent Peña, leave me here with all the _real_ fun stuff, while you are forced to attend another meeting." You put the last two words in air quotes without even glancing up at him. 

"I knew you'd understand," he puts his hand on your shoulder and gives it a quick squeeze. You glance up and roll your eyes making sure he sees you in the process. 

"Don't interrogate her too hard Peña," he winks at you as he opens the door and exits, leaving you staring at the massive job you had in front of you. You twirl the pen in your hand and look at your notepad. So far in your search of these records there had been almost nothing of interest, so you hadn't bothered to really take any notes. 

You look back at the door where Javier had just exited. And you can't help but let your thoughts follow him out the door. Okay, Javier Peña was a handsome man. You can see that, I mean, you aren't blind for Christ's sake. But from all the office gossip the women here painted him to be a giant flirt, who liked his whiskey and his women. But towards you, he hadn't been anything but completely respectful. Besides his first comment about your age, he had treated you as an equal - making sure that your opinion was always heard and more importantly always considered. 

He had become a good friend over the past few months. Even after you had returned to work the two of you still saw each other frequently outside the office. Often he would take you to dinner or you would ask him to accompany you on one of your 'cultural visits', as Javier had dubbed them. It was very apparent that the two of you got along well and enjoyed each other's company.

So you can't help but wonder why he hadn't been a huge flirt towards you. He hadn't hit on you or asked you out when several other men from the office had taken it upon themselves to do so. Maybe he really is bothered by the age gap or maybe, worse still, he didn't find you attractive. You had always tried not to be vain about the way you look. It was a fine balance as a woman in a professional setting - the need to be taken seriously therefore you can't be seen as too superficial about your looks. Balanced with the need to be attractive enough to be seen as valid. So you did put some effort into the way you looked, and you felt very confident in the way you looked on most days.

But there were times when you were self-conscious. And this was one of those times. If the man, known for being a massive flirt and serial womanizer, didn't show even the slightest interest in you, maybe you really were all those names other men had called you from around the office.

You shake your head and try to turn back to your work. You aren't sure how two more hours pass but they do. And you realize it is much later than you thought. You neatly pile your different stacks of papers and grab your jacket and bag. You pull your jacket on and regret your decision to stay late. It's dark and you walked here. It was only 11 or so blocks, but this is a not-great area to be in when it's late and you're alone. You shrug and begin to carefully trudge home. 

When you get to your building you notice that the front door to the building is wide open. And you look around in concern, trying to see if someone was coming or going nearby. You shrug and close the door behind you. You walk the three flights of stairs and when you get to the top of the stairs you freeze. Your door is at the end of the hall and it is kicked in and you can see things overturned inside. Panic sets in as you realize someone could be waiting right inside. 

So you keep walking up the stairs to the top floor, there is a payphone near the landlord's office there. You walk confidently down the hall and grab the receiver. You grab your bag and pull out the coins and slide them in while frantically flipping through your address book for his number. You close your eyes when it starts to ring - praying he is there.

"Agent Peña," he picks up on the 5th ring and you let out a sigh of relief.

"Javi, it's me," you whisper into the phone. You can hear a voice in the background and he shhs them quickly. "I don't want to bother you, but someone’s here. At my apartment." You realize you are shaking badly as the phone trembles in your hand. 

"Who? Are you safe?" You can hear him moving around urgently through the phone as you try and take a deep breath.

"I don't know, I have no clue. The door was kicked in, Javi what do I do?"

"Did you call the police?"

"No, not yet," you whisper as you hear a loud crash from down below followed by laughter. 

"Good. Keep it that way. I'll be there in 5. Don't move." He hangs up the phone and you shakily replace the phone. You can hear the laughter getting louder and you really start to panic. You decide to disobey Javier and you start to make your way back to the stairs. You look over the railing and you can see a retreating group at the bottom singing loudly together. You debate whether you should stay put or walk out of the building and onto the street where the chances of you being seen by someone were much higher. You reach inside your bag and feel the shameful box of cigarettes that you keep for when the stress gets to be too much - and this is one of those times. You walk back down the stairs and out onto the street and stand under the closest street lamp, lighting your cigarette. 

You lean casually on the wall holding the cigarette close and try to control the shaking. You hear the jeep before you see it as it rushes up the hill and Javier parks hastily on the curb. He jumps out and doesn't see you leaning against the wall across the way. He is rushing towards the front with his gun already drawn. You jump out from the shadows and rush after him. 

"Javi," he jumps when you shout his name and turns towards you. You just rush forward and throw your arms around his neck as you start to cry. You swear you can feel him press a kiss to your scalp as he wraps his arms around you protectively. 

"Thank Christ," he pulls back and grabs your chin, and exams your face looking to see if there is any damage. You smile at him through your tears. 

"I'm fine. I don't know if there is anyone in there. A big group just left. But I don't know - "

"Get behind me," he puts his arm up and pushes you back protectively. You grab onto his shirt tightly. 

"Please don't leave me alone," you beg and look at him with huge eyes. 

"Never," He reaches behind him and hands you a small black pistol. You look down at the weapon and back at him with worry. He holds his gun out in front of him and motions for you to follow. "Stay very close."

The two of you walk up the 3 flights of stairs very carefully. You hold tighter to the back of his belt as you follow behind. He pushes open the door and you let out a tiny squeal as both of you stumble forward. All the furniture is overturned. All bottles and glasses had been shattered on the floor. And books and pillows were ripped to shreds on the floor. But you let out a loud gasp as you look at the back wall in complete horror. 

"Oh my god, Javi, is that - that's not blood. Please tell me it isn't blood?" He motions for you to stay back and he walks cautiously forward looking for any intruders. He looks in the bedroom and the bathroom and seems satisfied that you are alone and lowers his gun to examine the writing. You are standing looking at it shaking with huge tears streaming down your face. 

There on the wall of your apartment were the words, "DEATH TO AMERICAN WHORES" in Spanish written with blood. At the bottom of the wall, a decapitated chicken sits with its wings and legs ripped off. You look at Javier and burst into tears. You can't contain the fear and adrenaline any longer. Javier reaches forward and pulls you close in a protective hug but he still keeps his gun at the ready.

"Hey, we need to get you somewhere safe," Javi says. 

"But what about - "

"I will make sure my guys handle it, I don't trust just any cop here, don't worry about that. We need to make sure you're safe." You can't think straight and so you just nod at him and take his hand as he leads you out of the apartment. You stop in the doorway.

"Can I grab some stuff?".

"Is there anything case related here?"

"No, of course not."

"Then no, leave it for them to look over." He sees you glance back uncertainly at the trashed apartment as your lip starts to quiver again.

"Hey, look at me." You look back at him again and blink back the tears as best as you can. "You are the most important thing here. We need to make sure you stay safe. Yeah?"

You just nod and take his outstretched hand. He still has his gun at the ready as you descend back out onto the street and he leads you to his Jeep. He opens the door for you making sure you are secure before he walks around and hops in, quickly starting the engine. 

"I will take you back to my place," he says as he drives recklessly down the road. You know the situation is serious, your life has just been threatened after all, but you can't help but try and ease the tension. 

"Jeez, Peña, at least buy me a drink first," you hear a soft snort from his direction. But he chooses to ignore you.

"Murphy can watch you while I deal with the police. I don't want you on your own. Not till I know who did this," You perch up a little at the thought of not having to be alone. You really liked Murphy's wife, Connie. She was a refreshing change of pace from just about every other person you interacted with here. So you just nod and look back out the window trying not to let him see that you are doing your best to hold back more tears. "Hey, I'm not going to let anything happen to you. Yeah?" 

You look back at your partner but you can't find it in yourself to acknowledge him, and instead, you can hear a sob crack through your lips. He doesn't say anything but just reaches over and takes your hand and squeezes it tightly. You hold onto his hand as tightly as you can as you feel the car eased to a stop. He silently leads you up the stairs and into the apartment building holding your hand the entire time and stroking your back as you continue to sob quietly. He knocks on a door and you can hear a shuffling of feet and voices before it opens to reveal a tired-looking Murphy. He immediately takes in your appearance and perks up slightly. You can hear Javi explaining everything to him as he ushers you inside. You see Connie appear and without saying anything she guides you to the couch but you don’t let go of Javi's hand as you continue to sob. You refuse to let him go as you yank him closer. There is a part of you that knows how childish this appears but the panic in your bones consumes you so completely that you can't think of anything but holding on to the one thing that feels safe.

Once you are on the couch, Javi gently removes his hand from yours and puts his hands on either side of your face, running a finger over your very puffy red cheeks. 

"I'm coming back for you. You're safe here, try and rest okay?" he leans forward and presses his forehead to yours. "I'll be right back." Very slowly and very reluctantly Javi stands and releases your face. You look after him and the sheer panic behind your eyes hurts his heart. He turns to his other partner. "Keep her safe. I'll send some back up your way." 

Steve follows Javi out of the apartment and grabs his arm. "Should we be worried? Is someone after her?"

"Yeah, and I think I know who," Javier runs a finger over his chin. "She didn't….she didn't see everything. Let's keep it that way." Javier turns to exit the apartment before he turns back to his partner. "I mean it, Murphy, keep her safe." 

Steve gives him a wave of the hand before returning to find Connie making you a cup of tea trying to make conversation. You jump at the sound of the door closing and look at Steve with a wild and worried expression. The next little while is spent in a haze of listening to Connie and staring nervously at the door. You see Steve leave a few times, each time trying to conceal the gun he is carrying, but each time you are disappointed when it is just him that returns. Finally, you can lay down on the couch with the promise that no one else in the apartment will be sleeping. 

Your mind wanders to the words written on the wall. The smell in your apartment. Everything that was overturned, ripped, destroyed. You have to turn over to try and get rid of the images in your mind. But when you shift positions you can feel a pain that is still there in your injured shoulder and you let out a small whimper. 

At some point, you must have drifted off because you wake with a jump when you feel a slight dip in the couch next to you. You shoot up and push the individual away.

"Hey, hey," you feel Javier grabbing your arms and trying to calm you down. "It's me. It's just me." 

"Javi?" You throw your arms around your neck and try to control your shaking. You pull yourself flush against his chest and he strokes your back trying to calm your breathing. You sit like that for a few minutes as you bury your head into his chest. You feel safe and so your breathing starts to slow and you pull back just enough to look at him through blurry vision. He kisses the top of your forehead.

"I just came to tell you that we found him. You're safe. You can go back to sleep." You can feel him whisper in your ear as he pulls you a little closer. You can feel him gently lay you back down on the couch as he goes to stand and you grab his hand.

"But you...you promised. You promised me you wouldn't leave me alone." 

____♡____


	5. cuatro - meet me in the hallway

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You have to come up with a plan after your life is threatened.

____♡____

winter - 1986 - Colombia

You wake with a jump after another nightmare crept into your resting mind. You let out a few long breaths before you reach over the edge of the couch and find Javier's hand resting next to his head on his make-shift bed. After you had told him that you didn't want to be left alone, that he had promised to stay with you, he didn't argue or even say anything. Instead, he found a spare blanket and pillow, moved the coffee table to the side, and laid it down next to you. He reached out and took your hand and placed a kiss on it before mumbling a brief goodnight. You had sat like that for a long time, calm for the first time that evening - feeling safe. Throughout your restless hours of sleep you had reached out for his hand and each time you would feel a slight squeeze as he laced his fingers into your before you would once again drift off. You knew he wasn't comfortable on his make-shift bed, but he stayed. Right there. All night. Making sure you were safe. Making sure you were okay. Making sure you felt comfortable enough to sleep.

This time as you wake, you can see the daylight creeping in. You can hear hushed voices coming from Murphy's kitchen. You scoot forward just enough to see all of Javier's sleeping profile and you let out a long slow breath. You have to keep reminding yourself that you were safe here. That you are alive. That you were going to be okay. And as you watch Javier sleeping in the soft light you want to crawl next to him and thank him. You can't help but admire how nice he looks when he is resting, how peaceful he looks in this particular light. The usual scowl that dons his features is gone and is replaced by a content, nearly perfectly tranquil appearance. You move a little closer to the edge of the couch so you can take in his whole form. And for the first time, you let yourself admire just how incredibly handsome Javier really is. Also for the first time, you let your thoughts wander to what he might look like without those tight pants and the ridiculous unbuttoned shirts, and you let your mind wonder what all the fuss must be about; if he really was a good lover or if he was all talk. You let your thoughts start to move to some truly spectacular places about a partner that is asleep a mere foot from you until there is a loud crash. You are startled out of your thoughts as you jump up in shock. You look around for the source of the noise and you feel a hand on your back and glance over and see a barely awake Javier standing next to you, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. 

"Fuck, sorry, I dropped the fucking coffee pot," you scan the room and see Steve emerging from the kitchen covered in coffee and looking angry. 

"Lucky for you, I already poured you both some," you hear Connie chirp, as she appears holding two mugs of coffee. You just smile at her as she sets it down on the little coffee table that Javier had moved in order to sleep directly next to you. Javier sits next to you on the couch and rubs his eyes before putting his hand on your thigh. You look up at him with an earnest smile and you can tell without saying anything he is asking if you are okay. You just give a small nod before you put your hand on his and lightly squeeze back. You reach for the coffee and take a small sip but you don't let go of his hand. It felt too safe. Mostly it felt too right.

"Well, good. Since I have both of you here. Might as well fill you in," Steve continues to dab at his shirt trying to get the coffee stain out but you can tell it is a useless effort.

"Brief? About what?" Javier's voice is raspy and he still sounds half asleep as he reaches for his coffee. He doesn't let go of your hand - just takes a sip and leans his head back on the couch, blinking heavily. 

"The Ambassador. She is not happy." You cock your eyebrow up at Murphy. 

"Not happy? About what? Me being threatened with a dead chicken," you state angrily. You hadn't asked for this and it seemed counterproductive to be annoyed when she should be outraged for her threatened agent.

"Yeah, about that. It's more the way - well, she isn't upset with you," he stops cleaning his shirt and looks at you. "She seems very concerned about you actually. She's upset with the way it was handled. By….you." At this, he gives Javier a long look but Javier's eyes are closed as his head rests on the back of the couch. You clutch his hand hard as if you were trying to wake him.

"No. I heard him. I just don't really care," Javier opens his eyes slightly and stares back at Steve. 

"Regardless, she wants all of us at the Embassy ASAP. We have to escort you, Doctor... along with a police escort," Murphy adds the last part softly because he knows it will get a reaction out of Javier. 

"What?! Fuck no," Javier jerks his head and looks at him incredulously. 

"Hey, boss's orders. They are waiting outside when she's ready to go," he points to you and you pull your arm across your chest and bite your lip. You look terrible. And the idea of having to be escorted to work like some wounded animal makes you feel even worse about yourself. 

"We can't trust them," Javier stands up and grabs his gun from the coffee table, and starts to tuck in his shirt, hurrying to get ready.

"I'm not a moron Javi, I called your guys," Steve walks over and flicks Javier on the forehead triumphantly before retreating out of the room. Javier looks after him clearly annoyed before turning to look at your concerned face.

"Hey, it's gonna be okay. I'm sure - " you put up your hand to stop him from talking. 

"I'm not worried about whoever is after me," you stand up and pull your arms across your chest trying to hug yourself a little closer. You suddenly feel so vulnerable as you look at Javier's quizzical expression. "I - it sounds stupid - but I look ridiculous, and I don't want the men in the office to think less of me."

Javi's eyes go wide at your confession. 

" _That's_ what you're worried about?"

"Yes, I don't want to think I'm just some damsel in distress that _you_ magically saved."

"I can assure you, not a single man in the office is going to think you look ridiculous. And no one is going to think less of you. You have my word," he puts his hand over his heart and slightly dips his head. Usually, you would make some smartass remark about Javier's inability to not put on the charm for any woman within 10 feet, but at that moment your heart feels too heavy. You step forward and wrap your arms around his waist and pull him close. You feel him hesitate slightly at your touch before relaxing and pulling you in closer. You stand there for a long moment just taking him in before you hear Steve clearing his throat. 

The two of you break apart and you glance around and see a newly changed Murphy looking at you with a smirk. He holds out a pair of women's clothing. 

"Connie thinks these might fit you. Bathroom's back there," he nods his head behind him. You look to Javier and he nods and you retreat to get changed. As you walk by Steve you see him giving Javier the biggest grin you'd ever seen on him - the kind of 'I told you so' grin. You look back at both of them and just roll your eyes. 

You lock the bathroom door behind you and stare at your reflection. You aren't going to let yourself be intimidated. Last night was a fluke. Nothing more than a prank. And you refused to let it get under your skin. You were better than that. You weren't going to be scared off by the first death threat. You weren't going to let them win. And you weren't going to let anyone at work see you cry. Last night was the first and the last time. You splash some cold water on your face and decide to use whatever you can find in the small bathroom to freshen up. You were wearing Connie's clothes so you figured using a little bit of perfume and toothpaste wasn't a huge deal.

With one final look in the mirror, you give yourself a nod. It was time to get to work. 

____♡____

"I don't want her to see," Javier holds your arm to stop you from approaching the desk as he addresses the room. 

"It's my life they are threatening, Javier," You shake off his touch and straighten yourself. "Plus it's my stuff they trashed."

You walk over to the Ambassador's desk that is currently littered with the photos of the crime scene. Your apartment, you remind yourself, that is now a crime scene. You look at them and run your hand along the first row and you see the kicked in the door. You see the shattered glass and torn up books. You see the poor little chicken's dismembered body. You see the words on the wall. But next to it you see more words that you hadn't seen before. Your name. Written again in blood. Next to that is a picture of something hanging on the wall and what appears to be another body? You gag at the next picture and have to turn away. 

"So you didn't make it in the bedroom then," the Ambassador nods. 

"What the fuck?" Your eyes go wide as you turn to Javier, who is running his finger along his lips. 

"I was hoping you could try and tell me if you know the significance of the goat?" The Ambassador points to the picture of the goat's head stuck to the wall of your bedroom right above your bed. Below in Spanish the words, 'YOU ARE NEXT' are written out. Part of the goat's body is slug across your bed in a bloody mess on the sheets.

"What?!" You say flabbergasted. "No, I have no clue. What even...why would they?" 

"Do you want to fill her in Agent Peña, or should I?" The Ambassador looks angrily towards Peña. He looks at her and then at you with a worried expression.

"It would appear that your attack a few months ago, which resulted in the death of this man Luis Alebijo," Javier points to the photo of the man who had stabbed you in the shoulder and you instinctively reach up and touch where it still aches sometimes. "Well. It caught more attention than we originally thought, I'm sure you remember him."

"Yes, I remember him."

"Well, it appears that his half-brother, Miguel Delgado was not thrilled about his brother's death. His wife is a cousin to Escobar. Apparently, he recently took over parts of the family business here in Bogata." 

"Are you going to mention why?" Murphy looks at Peña with a bemused expression. Javier shoots him an angry glance before continuing 

"They've been seeking a certain American CIA agent responsible for the death of a family member. The bounty is larger than the average American agent. Much larger." Javier looks distraught as he says this and he is surprised when he doesn't see you react in the slightest to this information.

"That doesn't make sense," you cock your head and look back down at the pictures. 

"Which part?" 

"Well, I've been all around Bogata. Unaccompanied. I've even gone close to where many of these men are working. They've seen me, I know they have. And none of them have taken the hit. Why?" You look up from the photos of several of the men that you had followed up on from the debriefs that Javier had brought you. 

"Hold on," Murphy looks at you incredulously. "What do you mean you've seen them?"

"Forget that! What do you mean, you've gone unaccompanied?"

"Oh grow up, Peña. I was doing your job and following up on leads. Or things I found suspicious that may have slipped through the cracks. Miguel moved here months ago. If he wanted me dead. I'd be dead."

"So you believe the information Agent Peña received is false?" The Ambassador looks between the three of you. 

"Well, I guess I don't understand why they would've killed these poor animals when they could've just waited for me. If they figured out where I lived, it would've been easier I have to imagine," you look back down at the rest of the dismembered goat body on the floor of your apartment and shutter. You look up between the three of them and wait for an answer. You can see that they are all thinking through the information before answering. 

There is a knock on the door and your CIA partners stride in and you barely pay them any mind, your gaze still on the pictures. You hear the voices exchanging information but you just stare at the picture of Luis as you feel a tingling in your shoulder. You can hear the five other individuals in the room start to argue about what should be done about the obvious threat to an American citizen. You can hear the men talking amongst themselves as if you weren't even there, as if you weren't somehow tied to this case. You decide to ignore the conversation and pull out the notepad from your bag and scribble a few observations down from the photos. You look more closely at the gruesome scene, trying to hide how much the photos distributed you. After several long minutes, you can hear the argument coming to a close and you look up.

"Fine, until then she stays here. We will find a place for you to stay. You don't leave until we know who and why," you were about to protest but the Ambassador stands and holds up her hand. "I'm sorry Doctor, but your life is not a negotiation. So you are staying put. And for God's sake, teach her to shoot Peña. That's an order."

Everyone else stands and nods as the Ambassador exits the conversation. You are about to run after her and plead with her. You can't be kept here. You don't do well when confined. But you feel Javier grab your arm and he shakes his head at you. And you know he thinks it's a bad idea to make a scene. But he doesn't understand, you cannot be restrained like this. It will drive you mad. You look in his eyes and for some reason decide to follow him out of the room. 

"Javi," you whisper. You grab his arm and separate him from the others. "I don't do well with being in one place for a long time. I can't be kept here."

"Jeez, Doc, you could've fooled me, I thought you loved to work," he looks at you with a bright smile but it quickly drops when he sees how seriously worried you look. You pull him closer so you are standing directly in front of him. You grab both of his arms and look up at him with huge eyes. 

"Javi, I'm serious. I don't do well, you need to figure this out. For me," you look at him pleading. For a second you see his eyes soften as he looks into yours, then a smirk appears as he leans in a little closer. 

"You know if you throw in a please, I think I can have it done by the end of the week," he muses.

"Oh Javier," you throw your hand up onto your forehead and toss your head back dramatically, and fall slightly in his arms. "I am just begging you, won't you solve this, for me, pretty please?" There is a long pause where you feel him lifting you back up and you can see that he is examining your features closely. You look at him with a smug grin. 

"You always gonna be a smartass?" 

"Always," You tap his nose with a wink before you push past him. 

"Well, in that case…" you hear him call out after you. You don't turn as you throw your hand around holding it in an obscene gesture and you hear Javier let out a low laugh.

____♡____

You felt like you were going to scream. And it was only your first day here at the embassy. It was nearly midnight and you were pacing the small room trying to calm yourself down enough to sleep. But you knew it was a useless effort. Finally, after quite a lot of pacing, you look at the phone and make up your mind. 

You dial his number and bite your lip. You really hope that you aren't overstepping your bounds as a friend but if you don't talk to someone you might just run. And you knew that between annoying a friend and running away from your responsibilities, the second was the worst of those two options.

"Hello?" you hear a raspy voice on the other end. 

"I know I woke you up," you say quietly. "I just _really_ needed to talk to someone. Before I do something incredibly stupid."

"Well, now, Doctor, we can't have that now can we," you can hear the sleep in his voice as he lets out a long sigh.

"I'm sorry I keep calling you with my problems," you whisper. 

"Who said I wasn't enjoying dealing with your problems?" 

"You didn't. I just don't like to be a burden," you are still whispering on the phone, even though you are completely alone with very little chance of being overheard.

"It's a good thing you aren't then."

"You are too sweet to me, you know that right?"

"I think you might be the first woman who has ever said that to me," Javier chuckles on the other line. You can hear him shuffling around as you hear the familiar click of his lighter.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah…." Javier takes a long exhale of his cigarette before bringing the phone closer to his ear. "Now what was this thing you were planning on doing before you called me?"

"Something stupid."

"I got that part. Do you want to elaborate?"

"Not particularly," you huff into the phone as you sit down in the small desk chair in the corner of the room. There is a pause on the other end as you hear Javier take another long drag.

"One day you are going to trust me, Doctor."

"Oh, I doubt that very much, Agent Peña."

"Tell me, is there anyone in the world you do trust?"

"If there was, do you think I would reveal that to you?"

"I suppose not." There is a long moment of silence and you know that he might be falling back asleep. Or worse he might actually be upset that you called him.

"I need to run away," you whisper so quietly you are sure he doesn't hear you.

"No one would blame you for leaving."

"Yeah?"

"I would miss you, but I wouldn't blame you."

"You'd….miss me?" your voice is so quiet that you are surprised he can even hear you. You are so surprised by his words you bite your lip as a small smile forms and the warm feeling from earlier returns.

"Definitely."

"I think you are the first man who has ever said that to me," you giggle slightly.

"Oh, I seriously doubt that." 

"Well, Agent Peña, I'm happy to inform you that you aren't the only person in my life who has become fed up with my trust issues and decided to move on," you get up from the chair and start to pace again, trying to shake the growing warmth in the pit of your stomach. You start to bite your nails as the feeling continues to grow stronger.

"And you didn't learn from it?"

"No, just got more trust issues."

"Well, Doc, I think we gotta work on that."

"You think so?"

"I do," Javier says this in a casual way. But it sounds sincere. It sounds so simple when he phrases it like that, that you let out a small puff of air from between your lips. Maybe it was simple. But again you think of all the walls you had built around yourself, and you know that you won't be able to let someone in easily. "Promise me you won't run away tonight. At least let me give you a proper goodbye."

"Hmm, what is a proper Peña goodbye?"

"Don't run away and you'll find out."

"And if I stay?"

"Then we can have another discussion."

"If I had to guess...and maybe it's the late-night talk we are having...but you have a crush, Agent Peña," you are half-joking. But there is a small part of you that wants it to be true. You would never openly admit it, but there is a part of you that wants to be wanted by him. A part of you likes the idea of being wanted by him.

"And if I did?"

"I'd tell you to fuck off." 

"Noted," you hear him chuckle through the phone. You can hear him take another long exhale as he shuffles around and you try not to picture him 

"Javi?," you hesitate, "I didn't- well I didn't say thank you. For staying with me. For not...abandoning me. The other night. I owe you."

"You don't owe me a thing, Chiquita," you sneer at his new term of endearment. 

"So, that's all I am now? A little girl?"

"You are awfully young."

"And you are awfully old, viejo," you quip back. There is a pause as you hear more shuffling on the other end of the phone. 

"Are you going to insult me or are you going to try and sleep?"

"I'm going to insult you because there is no way I am going to be able to sleep here."

"Why not? I always thought the Embassy beds were reasonably comfortable." 

"It's not that."

"Then what?"

"I….I don't feel…." your words drift off as you try and think of a way to explain it.

"Safe?"

"Yeah, I don't want to keep my eyes closed. For long. Just in case."

"Nothing is going to happen to you in there, Doc. You know that right?" you can hear Javier pausing from whatever he is doing to try and reassure you that you were in fact safe.

"No, I know. It's just the images in my head. They won't go away," you confess.

"Ah, I see," Javier answers you with an understanding tone.

"You do?"

"Believe it or not, I've seen some things I'd rather forget too."

"So how do you sleep at night?" you bite your nails as you continue to pace back and forth. 

"I drink."

"Right, well what if that's not an option?"

"I fuck until I'm tired," you laugh at Javier's honesty.

"Hmm, what if neither of these are options?"

"I suppose I would call my partner in the middle of the night and wake him up, only to insult him."

"You're amusing."

"I'm aware." You sit for another long moment in silence as you hear a lot of shuffling, and you hear him swear under his breath a few times. 

"I guess I'm sorry I called. I don't know why I did. I just feel….."

"I told you not to apologize. I am always here to take your calls. Even if they are just to insult me. But now that I'm awake I think I'll head into the office early."

"Javi, it's 12:45 am."

"And I have a case to solve for a friend."

"You need to sleep just as much as I do."

"Well, then why don't I come to the office and we can take turns sleeping there. Just so I can make sure you're safe." You are surprised by his offer. You know the couch in his office is comfortable, you had secretly slept on it during the palace raid. You stop pacing and tilt your head considering his offer. 

"You'd do that for me?"

"I'll be there in 20." He hangs up the phone and you have to let out your breath. You remembered the promise you made to yourself so long ago - never fall in love at work. You would always keep your feelings far away. You were never going to allow yourself to be distracted by someone at work because your career was too important. Then you remember that your work partner was on his way to comfort you because you couldn't sleep. 

Fuck.

____♡____

1986 - spring - Colombia

"Agent Peña is confident in his report. And I have to agree with his findings," The Ambassador nods towards Javier and you uncross your legs and perk up. 

"Does this mean I can get back out there? In the field, I mean?"

"Yes," The Ambassador gives you a smile and she can see the relief wash over you. "But, there are stipulations if you choose to stay here in Colombia."

"Well, I've already told you I am going to stay," you are annoyed that you have to keep reminding her of your choice to stay.

"Then we are going to follow the protocols I have set," you look between the Ambassador, your DEA partners, and your CIA peers and you can tell that they are all waiting for her to tell you something that you are not going to like. 

"Just tell me," you sigh. 

"When you leave the Embassy you will need to be escorted by someone from the Marine guard, until a time when I no longer see fit to do so," your lips form a thin line as you take in the information. "You will check-in with your secretary every hour when you are off-campus. You will be issued a standard satellite phone for cases of emergency. And you will contact the embassy first in all cases of emergencies so we can assess the situation and issue an appropriate response." At this, she looks between you and Javier. You cross your arms across your chest and try to contain your frustration. 

"Ambassador, I understand the need for precautions, but surely there is some way we can find a way for me to return to some sense of normalcy. It's been two months. I'm ready to be useful," you try not to sound desperate. You needed to get out of this building. Now.

"You are not useful to me dead, Doctor."

"I think what my partner is trying to say, is that she isn't nearly as effective as we would like her to be if she is kept on such a tight leash," to your surprise this comment came from Special Agent Bill. Bill was with the CIA and the two of you butted heads on just about every single issue. You had come to find that he, like most of the men here, didn't particularly care about doing what was best for the Colombian people. They wanted to maintain the status quo in the United States, and they would sacrifice anything to make sure America came out on top.

"I have to agree with Bill. The Doctor here is one of the best agents we have and we need her working every angle," your other partner, Carl added. You were so shocked you looked between the two of them wondering what exactly they were up to. 

"And what do you think, Agent Peña?" The Ambassador asks.

"We need her. In the field. Working. I'm sorry Ambassador, but she's important to our work here," you expected as much from Javi. Besides a few late-night meetings in the Embassy when you couldn't sleep and Javi would offer to come to keep watch over you, sometimes in his office, sometimes from the corner of your room, you had hardly got to spend any time with him being confined here. You missed him greatly and you had a feeling that it was mutual. 

"Well, then. I want to speak to the doctor alone. Out," the four other men look at you as you shift uncomfortably in your seat. You can sense Javier hesitate out of the corner of your eye, before reluctantly following the others. After the door closes you turn and look at the Ambassador who is staring at you with narrowed eyes.

"Let's be frank with each other. What do you plan on achieving here? We both know this wasn't your first choice. And we both know that you aren't enjoying yourself," she scowls at you. You know she is trying to get you to be more open. To be intimidated into confessing something. She wants you gone because she sees you as a liability. But fuck that.

"I'm not sure what you mean, Ambassador. I am _very_ happy with my post here," you just give her the most pleasant smile you can muster. 

"Oh cut the bullshit, Doctor. I am not sure what that little show was there - them acting like you are necessary. But I know why they sent you here. And I also know you aren't the type to be happy about it."

"I'm sorry. I am not sure what you mean. I am under the impression I was sent here to do my job. Which I _am_ _very_ happy to do." At this you see the Ambassador's nostrils flare. You were getting under her skin but you just continued to smile at her acting as if nothing is wrong. 

"Fine, Doctor. We will do this your way. You are permitted to stay off the grounds starting tomorrow. You are permitted to do whatever fieldwork is deemed necessary by the department heads. But I still want someone to escort you. Everywhere you go. I don't care if it's to the corner cafe. Where you go. They go. I want someone who actually has experience with a gun," she gives you a long hard look at this. "I have no clue why they would send someone who won't even hold a gun to a warzone."

"Maybe they figured another gun wouldn't help the fight."

"Figured you would say that. Can you at least agree to those terms?" 

"I can," you just nod as you stand. 

"Then bring us a written plan of what you are going to do and we will talk about your possible move. You're dismissed," she doesn't look at you again as you stand to leave. 

Leaning against the wall right outside the office you see Murphy and Peña as soon as you open the door. Javier is shuffling his feet as he looks up at your distraught face. 

"Well?" Steve asks as you walk past them.

"I'm back on," you see them both smile and Javier claps you on the back. "But she says I need to be escorted everywhere I go. Everywhere outside this God-forsaken building. Which is bullshit."

"Who is going to do that?" Javier asks, clearly concerned. 

"I don't think there _is_ a person to babysit me. And that's the fucking point. She's trying to push me out," you let out a frustrated sigh. The boys look at each other and then back at you, almost as if they had already considered this problem.

"You thinking what I'm thinking, Javi?" 

"Yeah, Murphy. For the first time, I might actually agree with you about something."

"Okay, not to break up this beautiful friendship moment but what in the goddamn hell are you talking about?"

"We'll do it," Murphy grabs your shoulder. "We will be your babysitters."

"What?!" You look between them slapping Murphy's hand away. "Fuck no! I don't need your - "

"Spare us, Doc. You need our help. We need you in the field. Plus we are the least annoying babysitters you are going to find," Javier smirks at you. You open your mouth to say something back but quickly close it and consider what he just said. You look between the two of them and you want to slap the smug look off both their stupid faces. But you also know Javier is right. You needed their help. 

"If you stop saying you are babysitting me, I will consider it." 

"Alright, the team is back!" Murphy gives you another pat on the back and you look at him very annoyed as the three of you start walking towards your offices.

"This doesn't solve the problem of where I am going to live," you half mutter to yourself. 

"Well, if you do decide to go with us for the babysitting gig, I might have a solution to that too," Javier grins down at you.

____♡____

"No, absolutely not," the Ambassador looks between Javier and you with a look of bewilderment. "There is no chance I am going to allow two of my unmarried agents to share an apartment."

"Well, according to the budget it would be very beneficial to both you and the department. Plus Javier has agreed to escort me wherever I need to go. With a gun," you throw the last part just because you want her to know that you are following every part of the deal. "And Agent Murphy, when Javier isn't available. Since we will be neighbors." 

"Oh, I am sure that is not the only escort Agent Peña has in mind," you can hear her voice dripping in sarcasm. "No, I'm sorry. But a female agent and a male agent, especially one with your reputation Javier, is not a headache I am willing to put up with. No," the Ambassador turns around and starts to pour herself a drink. 

"Ambassador, this is purely out of necessity. You asked that she have 24-hour surveillance, which I am happy to help with. As is Agent Murphy," Javier leans over her desk and pushes the report you had typed up the morning. "Not to mention it helps tremendously with your budget issue."

"If you look at the numbers we provided, it will help with the budget crisis you are facing. Not having to pay for 24hr security for me, plus using an already occupied apartment, instead of buying another one with the level of security you are asking for. It's impossible with this budget crisis. And you can't send me home. You know that" you know that if you push the idea that this was the only way for the Ambassador to avoid the looming budget crisis she was facing, you'd get your way. You needed her to see the numbers. It was undeniable that it would be beneficial to the budget. 

"You want me to allow two unmarried agents to live together?"

"The aspect you're worried about won't be a problem, I can assure you," Javier gives the Ambassador a charming smile. You nearly laugh at the exasperated look she gives in return. 

"I think I have a right to be concerned, Agent Peña. Given your less than stellar history," she takes a sip of her drink and glances down at the report. "These numbers….are significant. I am still not thrilled at the idea of two unmarried agents sharing an apartment."

"Well," you pull at the hem of your shirt. You had been dreading this. You knew it would come up. You knew this was the final card to pull but you didn't want to have to use it. "That isn't entirely true."

"I'm sorry?" Both of them say at the same time as they look at you. 

"I'm married." You say it quickly and avoid Javier's gaze completely. You can hear him shift uncomfortably beside you. 

"You are married and you want to live with Agent Peña?" The Ambassador looks at you but you avoid eye contact. "And your husband has been consulted on this and he is alright with this arrangement?"

"Actually, we have been separated for quite some time but I know he would prefer that I stay with a man that knows how to handle a gun. He would prefer that I live somewhere he knows I will be safe." 

The Ambassador seems to consider this for a moment. She looks at Javier and you also chance a glance at him and he is looking at you with an unreadable expression. You know you should have mentioned this before the meeting but you had hoped beyond hope that you wouldn't have to bring him up - that this whole topic could've been avoided. 

"And you are alright with this, Javier?"

"Yes, as she said, it'll be somewhere we know she can be safe," his voice had changed. "And I like older women, Ambassador. I am sure you have heard that. You have nothing to be concerned about."

"Fine. But if I get even a hint that there is something wrong, one sniff that something might be happening between the two of you, and both of you are heading straight back to the States, yes?" You both nod at her. "Out, before I change my mind."

You don't hesitate as you exit the office. You make it three feet out the door before you feel Javier's hand wrap around your bicep and pull you close. You let out a groan.

"What Javier?"

"Seriously? You don't want to explain what the fuck just happened?"

"There isn't much to explain."

"You weren't going to mention we were married?!" You are both whispering but you can hear the anger in his voice. "The man that called, back in your apartment, he was telling the truth, wasn't he?"

"Technically, yes," you grimace at your own words.

"Technically? Jesus, are you married or not, kid?" He puts his hands on his hips and you let out a sigh. 

"Yes. I am. I have been since I was 18," you say looking at the ground. When Javier doesn't say anything you look at him and he shakes his head and looks away, disgusted. "But will you let me explain? Please. It's not….a normal marriage. It, well, can we get out of here? And I will tell you." You can tell Javier is hesitant and you don't blame him, why should he trust you now? "I haven't lied to you and I won't lie now. I promise that much, Agent Peña."

"Alright, fine. You deserve to get out of here at least," He puts his hand on the small of your back and starts to lead you towards the exit. 

"And you deserve to hear at least a little bit more about me, roomie," you look up at him and wink. You can tell he is still angry but it doesn't stop a slight smile from forming. 

The two of you walk in silence to Javier's car and he drives you off the Embassy campus. You instantly roll down the window and excitedly breathe in the fresh Colombian air. It's ridiculous to complain about your stay at the embassy. You had been shown nothing but respect, and your living space had been more than adequate - but damn you were happy to be out of there. 

"Thank you, Javier. For agreeing to help me. I really may have run away. I don't do well when confined," you turn to him with the biggest smile he had ever seen. He was still furious at your omission in the ambassador's office but his heart softened a bit when he saw you looking at him with that smile. 

"Is that why your marriage failed? Or was it the trust issues?" 

"Okay, I deserved that. But at least let me explain before you judge me too harshly."

"I'm all ears, Doc." Javi casually leans his arm out the window as he drives slowly down the crowded street.

"Well, alright, where to begin," you run your hand through your hair and stare at the window. "At 18 I didn't have a home. I met a young man. A young Mexican immigrant who was desperate to stay in the US. I needed a place to stay for the foreseeable future. He needed a US visa. So we got married. And that was that."

"That's it?" Javier looks at you, dumbfounded. "That's all you're going to give me?"

"There isn't much more to it, Javier. We never formally divorced. But we were never really married so I've never thought much about it, to be honest," you turn your head a little and stare out the window, slightly ashamed.

"Are you going to tell me why he needed the visa so badly?"

"His mom was sick. He needed to stay to take care of her. She wasn't documented either, but well, she couldn't work. And she needed the treatment in the US. She had this rare blood condition. It was outrageously expensive and took some of the top doctors." 

"It was easier if he was a citizen. To help her." Javier states it matter-of-factly and he looks at you with a much different expression. It looked like admiration like he was almost awestruck by the story. And you knew of all the people here, Javier was the most likely to understand. You knew his background and you knew that this was likely something that could've happened within the sphere of his own life.

"Yes. Josue needed to be able to work freely without fear of leaving his mother behind. If he got deported for whatever reason, she would've been left for dead," you look at him with a sad smile. "And they had a nice house next to the college I was attending and I was homeless, so it seemed practical."

"Practical? Not how I would want to describe marriage, but I'm no expert," he smiles at you. 

"No, you aren't. And before you ask. We weren't romantic. It was strictly a practical union. He got a green card. I got stable housing for once. It worked out."

"And what happened? Now that you are...here?"

"Oh, well a lot. I went off to Columbia University first when I was 20, then NYU, then Havard. And he has been in the same place all that time. He is a good friend. And I love him dearly for everything he has done for me. But he has never been my husband."

"Why no divorce?" Javier slants his eyebrows at you.

"I...I don't have a good answer. At first, it was so we didn't look suspicious. Then it was too expensive, what with all my schooling and everything. Now….I guess it seems impractical?" You laugh at your own words. "That sounds ridiculous. We've just never really discussed it. I don't see him very often. I don't exactly keep up with his life, even though I probably should."

"And if you decided to settle down one day?"

"He would be the first in line to congratulate me. And I hope you are not implying anything with that Peña, because you _know_ I am using you. For the apartment. And your trigger finger. It's practical," you see his shoulder shake slightly as he tries to contain his laughter. 

"Yeah, I am aware," he looks at you for a long moment as he stops the car in front of a small cafe. He runs his finger along his bottom lip and you just smile back at him. You have a warm feeling in your chest as you look at him and you can't quite place it. But you like it. "I have a feeling there is more to your story. But you aren't going to tell me." 

"You would be correct. Trust issues remember?" 

"Well, I guess we'll just have to keep working on that," he takes the keys out of the ignition. "Roomie." He adds with a smug grin and you give him a playful slap on the shoulder as he goes to get out of the car. "Can I ask one more question?"

"You can. Won't promise I'll answer it though."

"Have there been other men...in your life...since whatever Josue was…"

"Oh Javier, a lady never tells." You wink at him as you yank the car door open and feel the fresh air hit you. Finally, you were free. And you were going to be okay. 

____♡____

Javier was surprised by the lack of boxes that you had to move but impressed by your ability to organize things. He hauled the last box into your newly shared apartment and wiped the sweat from his forehead as he looked at you already getting out the cleaning supplies and beginning to wipe down every surface you could. 

"You really can't help yourself can you?" he smirks at you. 

"Nope," you just throw him a wink. He looks down at one of the boxes that you had opened and sees a few pictures laying on top. He can't help himself as he reaches down and picks up two of the framed pictures. The first is of a younger you next to a beautiful German Shepard, you have the biggest goofiest grin on your face as you hug the dog close to your chest. 

The next picture causes Javier's jaw to drop. He has to take a closer look because in the picture there are two of you. Both of you are smiling widely at the camera with your arms slung around each other in a tight embrace. The more he looks at the picture the more confused he gets. Both of the women in the photo look exactly like you. He glances up at you cleaning his apartment and back down at the picture. Javier continues to stare at the picture for a long moment and doesn't hear you asking him a question. 

"Uhh, Javier is everything okay?"

"What?" He glances up and sees you staring at him expectantly as he tucks the picture behind his back. He isn't sure why he does this, only because he feels like he stumbled upon something extremely private and he doesn't want you to get upset. 

"I asked if… what are you hiding?" You smile at him as you approach and reach around taking the picture out of his hand. You don't react in the slightest as you look at the picture and then back up at him. "Were you planning on stealing this to use later for some personal time?" 

"Are you going to explain why there are two of you?" 

"I'm a twin," you state it so matter-of-factly that Javier stares at you for several seconds as he absorbs the information. "Identical twin, obviously." You motion to the picture before throwing it back in the box nonchalantly. 

"I'm sorry. You have an identical twin sister and you didn't think to mention it?" Javier is incredulous that you are being so casual with this bit of information. 

"You never asked," you are purposely ignoring his reaction, focusing instead on making his bachelor pad liveable. 

"So, were you going to mention the twin before or after the husband?" You roll your eyes at him and ignore the look on his face as you go into the living room with a trash bag and start to toss whatever you deemed unworthy into the bag. Javier doesn't seem to mind this action as he continues to stare at you. 

"I am starting to think I don't know you at all, Doc," Javier looks at you with a mixture of sadness and confusion. You know it isn't fair to him. He had been nothing but kind. He had shown you nothing but respect. And since the break-in, he had been extra protective of you and you knew it was because he cared about you. But the thought scared you and so you tried to ignore the reality for any feelings that you or Javier may feel for one another. 

"Maybe?" You look up at him with a quizzical glance. You are met with a dumbfounded Javier, who for the first time since you had met him is truly speechless. "God, Javier, I didn't tell you my _sad_ sob story because it is not the least bit interesting. Plus you don't need to know every detail of my personal life to work with me."

"Well, you are my roommate now. And second, I think an identical twin is a major detail to just leave out. Not to mention - " you cut him off before he can bring up Josue again. You didn't need to, or better yet, want to be reminded of your shortcomings. 

"Do you have any siblings?" You raise your eyebrows at him. "What about your childhood? Are we gonna hash out all the details right here and now?" 

"That's not what I meant - " 

"My twin is just my sibling. And you know I try not to bring any personal connections to work. Because it's not a good thing to do for me." 

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, that if I told all my partners any personal details, as a woman they would think I was too emotionally invested in my work. That it somehow affects my judgment and therefore my opinion isn't as valid," you can see Javier about to open his mouth and you hold up your hand. "And don't try and argue with me on this, please." He opens his mouth again to say something but then closes it as if he is considering what you are saying more thoughtfully. 

"Well, maybe you won't tell your partner. But I think you owe it to me, your roommate."

"I don't owe you anything Javi," you just sigh as you roll your eyes at him giving him an annoyed look. "But if you care that much about it, there isn't much to the story. But if you really want to know…" You are secretly hoping he won't push the subject, but you can see he is looking at you expecting you to continue. You nervously run your fingers through your hair and start to fidget with your hands. 

"I grew up with parents who liked to fight. Drugs and alcohol were always involved. My dad got violent with me and my sister. I have always been the stronger twin and so as we got older he left me alone, but not her. Never her." You let out another long slow sigh as you take the picture out of the box again and run your hand over both your smiling faces. "She was really amazing, you know? She loved music. And she was good too. Violin." You give Javier a huge grin as you walk over to the box and start to shuffle through the box looking for another picture and are surprised when you don't see it anymore. You realize that it must've been destroyed and you huff in frustration.

"Well, finally when I was 14 I ran away from home. But my sister was terrified of our father. So she chickened out and stayed. I can't believe I - well I left her there. With him. And things stayed the same for her. Got worse actually. But I bounced between cousins, aunt, uncles, friends, whatever I could find really. I was determined to get an education. And so when I was 16 I applied to college. I lied on all my applications, said I was 18. I started at some small community college and graduated in just under 2 years." You sit down on the couch and take a deep breath and close your eyes before leaning back on the couch. You can feel the couch shift as Javier sits down next to you. He clutches your hand for a moment before letting go. You turn your head and look at him dully.

"So yeah, I was 18. Had a degree in biology. And my twin sister was a drug addict. She had been with more abusive boyfriends at that point than I could even count. She started drinking right when I left and by the time we were 18 she was already an addict. Cocaine mostly, I don't like to think about everything she's tried. I really try not to think about everything she's done and what she's gone through. I - I try not to blame myself. But it's my fault. I shouldn't have left her with him." You look down at the picture in your lap and you feel Javi wrap his arm around you and pull you a little closer. You rest your head on his shoulder. 

"I met Josue. We eloped. She spiraled. Again. She didn't understand why I did what I did. She thought I really loved him. I mean I did - I do - but not like that. We never have, and never will be romantic." 

"Never say never, Doc," Javier whispers in your ear. And you have to giggle at him. 

"Javier, you have to trust me when I say, he will never be my type. And I will never ever be his type. It just isn't like that," you turn your head on his shoulder and look up at him. 

"I have a hard time believing you aren't someone's type," he mumbles. 

"Yeah, well, it's true. He...well he just doesn't see me like that," you laugh a little into Javier's shoulder thinking about how ridiculous you sound to him. He doesn't understand, and he likely won't ever understand. But you had made a promise to Josue to keep his identity a secret. And you would be damned if you broke that secret now. The two of you sit in silence for a moment as Javier considered what you just said. After a moment, Javier pulls back and looks at you with an odd expression. He takes his time in finding the right words. 

"Is he - you know - is he different…. then me and you, I mean?" You laugh at the way he says it. The way he is dancing around his words. You know what he is implying but you decide to ignore the question.

"It isn't my story to tell. He may be my husband by law, but his secrets are his own to keep," your tone has a finality to it that tells Javier you don't want to talk about it anymore.

"What happened? To your sister?" Javi tips his head back down to the picture and so you lean back on his shoulder and take a long exhale. You always have to compose yourself when you think about her. It's why you seldom mention her. It was too much to think about on top of the problems you faced daily with your chosen profession. 

"I wanted to help her, so I decided to go back to school. I applied to all the Ivy League schools as a joke and somehow I got into Columbia with a full-ride scholarship. I studied psychology. I thought I could help her. But it wasn't enough. So I just kept going to school. I poured everything I could into finding ways to help her. My Master's was in drug psychology and addiction. That didn't help either so I went back to Havard and got my Ph.D. in drug trafficking because I really thought maybe I could try and stop the problem before it started. The CIA recruited me straight out of Harvard. And so….here I am." 

Javier is speechless. 

"What happened? Where is she now?" 

"Well, she is sober now. 4 months. I went back when she relapsed and it got bad again. A few months ago or whatever. Helped her sober up...for now. But it won't last. It never does. Once she breaks up with a boyfriend or girlfriend. Or loses her job. The whole cycle starts over again. I… Well, I moved to the CIA to put some distance between us. I just, I was so exhausted. I couldn't do it anymore. And I know that makes me terrible but I just needed a break. And somehow they ended up assigning me here." 

"You aren't a terrible person, Doc." 

"Yeah, well try telling Kelly that."

"Kelly? That's your twin."

"Yeah, that's her. And that's her with the dog. I got her to be her sober companion. It...well it didn't work out." 

Javier is silent as he looks at the picture and sees you looking down at the two pictures with a mix of sadness and longing. 

"That's why you don't drink," he states. 

"Hmmm," you are pulled from your thoughts and you look at him. 

"You don't drink because of your family. Because of your father. And you joined the DEA to help save others like your sister," he states again. 

"Yes," is all you reply and you look at him sadly. There is a long moment of silence as both of you try and think of what to say next. "I would really rather you not mention this to anyone. Especially at the office."

"Doc, who in the hell am I going to tell? You know I am not a popular guy."

"That may be the understatement of the year, Javier." 

Javier hadn't wanted to admit it to himself but he had started to develop feelings for you. Beyond just friends. But as he looks at you now he knows he had to stop from anything else forming within him. You didn't need a lover. You needed a friend and an ally. You needed someone that would stand behind you and help. You needed someone who would support and protect you. And he desperately wanted to be that for you. As he looked down at your sorrowed expression he decided then and there that he would do whatever it took to keep you safe. He would make sure to support you in the office and he would support you with all the crazy exploring you loved to do throughout Colombia. He wanted to be your friend, your partner but more than anything he wanted you to trust him. And so he slipped his arm around your shoulders and gave you a small hug. 

"You can trust me, Doc. My lips are sealed," you lean your head to the side on his shoulder and gaze up into his soft, brown eyes.

"You know when I have this place cleaned up, you are going to have one of your guests over to show it off," you smirk up at him.

"You know, Doc. I am thinking you're right," he smirks down at you as you giggle into his shoulder. For the first time in months, you feel okay. You feel happy, even. And you don't ever want the feelings that Javier causes you to feel to go away. You pull yourself a little closer and lean into him and convince yourself it'll only happen this once. Just this one time. After all, Javier knew more about you than most of your 'friends' back home. And this is what friends do. Right? 

____♡____


	6. cinco - girl crush

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You settle back into a routine as you continue your work in Colombia.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are some major time jumps in this chapter, they are labeled. This chapter takes place over the course of several years :) some political talk that doesn't match with the 80s, sorry folks I wasn't alive so IDK

____♡____

1986 - summer - colombia 

The first night in your new apartment and you can't seem to find any way to get your eyes to close. You know Javier is just across the hall. You know you are safe here, this is what you wanted after all, but you still can't bring your mind to settle down. You roll over and stare at the door. Your mind is screaming at you to not even entertain the thought crossing your mind, but before you can stop yourself you push yourself off the bed. You grab your blanket and tip-toe across the hall and hesitantly crack Javier's door open. You can see his figure turn slightly as he sees you in the doorframe. You silently walk in and crawl onto his bed pulling your blanket close to you as you balance on the edge of the bed. You keep yourself turned away from him. He doesn't say anything as you quietly reach out and tap his bare side one time. You feel his hand meet you and give you a soft tap back before you pull yourself into a small ball and bury yourself into his bed breathing in his scent and instantly relaxing. Javier smiles at your small sleeping form and resists the urge to pull you closer. Instead, he just looks at the small rising and falling of your back until it becomes slow and steady and he feels the pull of sleep. 

This becomes a new unspoken routine for both of you. 

You both silently work on whatever you have to do, working closely with each other, but rarely speaking. And then at 9 pm, you saunter off to take your shower and climb into bed. Javi waits until he is sure enough time has passed to make his way to his own bed.

You sit in bed staring at the ceiling knowing sleep will never come. And so you listen for Javier to make his way to bed as his door creaks close, then you count to 60 in your head 5 times before you wrap yourself in your blanket and quietly trudge across the hall. You ever so gently open his door and quietly close it before making your way to his bed and climb in. You always wrap yourself up in your own blanket and face away from him on your side. But once, every night, before you drift off, you reach out and tap Javi to make sure he is still there. Just to feel his comforting, protective presence as he lays next to you.

And Javier waits patiently every night for the little tap on his side before he settles into sleep. Every night since you moved in, he would get into bed, and then exactly five minutes later you would make your way into his room without uttering a word and shuffle quietly into his bed. He had taken to going to bed earlier knowing that you were waiting to join him. He would crawl under his blanket and look at the clock, and precisely five minutes later, he would hear the small creak of the door and he would feel the little ruffle of the bed as it dips with you settling in. And every night he would feel the small tap on his side before you nestle into his pillow and curl into a small ball. It was as if you were reaching out, just making sure he was still there. Letting him know that you were here in his bed now. And you wanted to make sure he was too. 

And every morning when he awoke and you were already gone. Shuffling around outside in the apartment getting ready for work or whatever activity you had planned for the two of you that weekend. 

Neither of you acknowledged this strange new routine. But neither of you wanted to admit how important it had become to both of you. For you it was a way for you to sleep knowing you were safe, knowing that you were going to be okay as long as he was close. For Javier, it was a connection that he hadn’t felt in a long time to another human. And he cherished the tiny tap because it helped him to know that you were there. And that you cared about him enough to trust him as you slept. This meant a lot to Javier, but he would never admit it, least of all to you - the woman he was sleeping with every night. 

____♡____

“Thank you for coming with me today. I know that this probably wasn’t on the top of your to-do list.” You smile up at him as you take a bite of the sandwich. "I could tell that your interest in Pedro Nel Gómez and his influence here in Colombia was seriously waning towards the end."

“You are right, but it was better than anything else I could’ve done. Plus like you said on the way. It's important to understand the culture we're fighting for.”

“Or who you could’ve done,” you smirk at him and he just shrugs as he turns to stare out the window. You continue to eat your sandwich and the two of you sit in comfortable silence. “Do you sleep with all your informants?” 

It is a question you had been dying to ask him. You knew the reputation he had. And you knew he knew that you weren’t oblivious to it. But the side that Javier had chosen to show you was much different than how much people described him. With you he was different. He was still quiet and oftentimes very reserved about saying much more than a few sentences at a time. But he never did anything other than show you the greatest amount of respect. He listened intently to everything you had to say, even when it was you just babbling away about something meaningless within your own life. And he was funny. Over the past year since the two of you had started to work together, and then moved in together rather quickly due to the death threats you kept receiving, he had become your only real friend in Colombia. 

“No,” he answers curtly.

“Geez, Javi. I’m not judging you. I’m just making conversation,” you roll your eyes and take another sip of your drink. “You know what I miss most about America?”

Javi looks at you through his yellow aviators waiting for an answer. 

“Big gulps. I miss just a huge fucking thing of soda,” you say as you look at the tiny excuse of a cup. At this Javi smiles at you as you look genuinely sad about the small portion size of your soda. 

“I didn’t take you for a big soda drinker. You seem more like a tea or coffee kind of girl.”

“Well, it appears Javier Pen̄a, that I am once again full of surprises. Because back in the States I drank one of those huge Dr. Pepper’s every goddamn day.”

"You are full of surprises, I will give you that," he smiles at you and you feel a slight flutter in your stomach with the way he looks at you.

"So, tomorrow. You really are gonna make me shoot a gun?" you grimace at the thought. While it was required as part of your training at the CIA, you had done the bare minimum and you were just able to scrape by on the examination. 

"It was the Ambassador's orders. It won't be that bad, kid. I promise," he is sincere when he says this but you still appear upset. 

"Yeah, I know...I just don't like...guns...at all," you mutter out. You didn't just dislike guns. You detested everything about them. You hated violence, which you are sure had something to do with your upbringing, and you loathed anything that could cause more pain and more suffering to those involved. 

"Oh really? I hadn't figured that part out," you see Javier smirking down at you. "Is there a reason? Or is this another trust issue?

"No, I think the reason is pretty clear," you look at him. "They are fucking disgusting. And I am opposed to violence. In all forms." 

"You know, Doc, 20 years ago they would've called you a hippie. I think now they call you a liberal," you can see the amusement behind his eyes. 

"Very original, Javi, Never been called those things before. I'm so hurt," you fake being hurt as you put a hand over your heart and throw your head back in disgust.

"Well, I promise I will only show you the basics for your new pistol. The hit is still on your head, I'll rest easier at night knowing you can at least defend yourself."

"Javier, you have to know the chances of me actually shooting a gun in a real-life scenario….are slim to none."

"Even if your life depended on it?"

"I wouldn't want to die knowing I took a life. I want to die knowing I defended life until the very end."

"Even if they are bad people? Even people like Escobar?"

"Even Escobar. He deserves his day in court and _you_ are going to give it to him," Javier just considers you for a minute so you decide to continue. "Bad people are shaped by things we can't understand or choose to ignore."

"God, how much grass did you smoke? You really _do_ sound like a hippie. A communist, actually."

"What are you going to do about Agent Pen̄a? Arrest me?"

"Possibly."

"Pretty sure I'm the expert on communism here. Plus takes one to know one." You wink at him as you take the last big sip from your tiny cup and sigh. Javi is looking at you with an unreadable expression. He doesn't say anything as he stares at you. It is as if he is trying to really understand what you are saying. To really get inside your head. You just smile back at him and try to contain the fluttering in your chest as he looks at you. A feeling you'd come to know very well but constantly chose to ignore. 

____♡____

"You need to plant your feet. There isn't much recoil, but for someone of your size and experience it'll be a lot." You glare down at your hand, which is holding a sleek silver pistol. It looks out of place and you shift awkwardly on your feet. 

"God, Javi, I hate this." You feel a soft chuckle radiate from his chest as he wraps his arm around you and helps you bring your arm up to aim. The cold metal in your hand feels so wrong you want to chuck it across the small space. Javier had brought you to one of the National Police shooting ranges. He had requested that the officers take the morning off so that the two of you could have some private practice time. He said it was so you wouldn't be distracted by the noise, he knew you didn't practically enjoy loud noises. But you had a feeling he did it so you wouldn't be embarrassed in front of the other officers with your abilities - or lack thereof. 

"I know, but it's important you learn," he had pulled himself behind you so that your back was flush against his chest. He leaned in closer so his lips were right against your ear. "Both eyes on the target while aiming. Then shoot."

"Just like that?" you whisper as you consider the target some 50 yards away.

"Just like that. Now, whenever you feel comfortable," You feel his hand slide off of yours and onto your hips anchoring you. You take a deep breath and without really thinking much of it you close your eyes and pull the small trigger. The noise is overwhelming but the recoil in your arm is much worse than you anticipated and you stumble back. Javi catches you and studies you for a moment. 

"Did I hit anything?" you look up expectantly. You are hoping that you can prove that you have enough skill to only have to do this once. He grins down at you. 

"If you were aiming for the sun, then I think you did exceptionally well," he says with a hint of amusement. 

"Ugh, why didn't it go straight? Isn't that the point?" you grumble as you look down at the weapon in your hand. 

"Because you closed your eyes. You need to keep both of them open to aim. And you need to anticipate the recoil. Come on, try again."Javier helps you position yourself again. He puts his hands on your hips to anchor and helps you lift your arm aiming it directly at the target. You go to close your eyes but you feel his breath on your ear as he whispers, "Eyes open." 

You open them both and look at the target and pull the trigger. To your surprise this time it isn't as bad, you are ready for the jolt in your arm and the noise that echoes around you. You can hold your own as you look at the target. You see that you hit the very edge of the paper target and excitement fills your stomach. So without thinking, you unload the rest of your clip towards the target. 

"Well, I suppose that's one way to do it," Javier mumbles in your ear. You turn and look at him eagerly. 

"So do I pass your little test Agent Pen̄a?" You jokingly raise the gun and blow on the end. Javier takes it out of your hand and rolls his eyes. You look back at the target and are pretty sure you hit it at least one or two times and feel pretty accomplished. 

"Not even remotely."

"Oh come on, seriously?" you groan. 

"Seriously."

"Javi, _I hate this,"_ you hiss at him. He reloads the gun with another clip and hands it back to you. You take it and it still feels so wrong in your hand.

"Maybe you should've picked another career, Doc," he smirks at you as you take another awkward stance and you feel him adjust your hips slightly then he takes a step back. "Now both eyes open. Hit the target where it counts this time." 

You take a deep breath and do your best to keep your eyes open as you pull the trigger. This time you take your time with each shot, doing your best to aim at the paper target across the short distance. You can tell when you hit it from the small splinter in the paper and wood you create. You repeat this process several times. Each time Javier gives you advice about aiming better and how to improve your stance so that you are more sturdy on your feet. When you complain again about how much dislike this activity Javier throws you a smirk. 

"Okay, last one. Let's make it count. Whoever hits within the target the most buys lunch."

"Can we skip this part and I'll buy lunch?"

"No, back-up, and watch how the pros do it." You roll your eyes and go to stand behind Javier. You tilt your head slightly to take in his full form when you are directly behind him. You think you are being subtle about your observation of his nicely fitting jeans but as Javier raises the gun he turns his head and gives you the smuggest smile. 

"Like what you see?"

"Not particularly," you lie. "Just seeing what all the fuss is about." He doesn't answer and instead aims. You cringe at the sound of the gunshots but try not to shy away. You are trying your best to show that you aren't afraid of guns so the men around won't have the opportunity to comment. Javier sets the gun down and looks at the target.

"Go count."

"What? No way!" You look at him as if he had just suggested you strip down right then and there. "I'm not walking out on a shooting range. That's where I draw the line."

"There is no one else here. And I'm not going to shoot you in the back," Javier motions at the empty spots around showing that it is in fact only the two of you. 

"I don't know you won't shoot me. You go count," you walk up next to him and grab your pistol but then make a strange face and drop it back down. "Maybe I'll shoot you in the back." You muttered angrily. 

"Yeah, I'm not worried about that given you can't aim worth shit," he smirks. He tucks his pistol in the back of his jeans and makes his way across the small field to the target. You are half tempted to aim the gun at him just to prove a point but that thought terrifies you beyond belief. And you shake your head in disgust. You see Javier counting and he holds his hand up. Four. Somehow you have a feeling he wasn't exactly trying since you know that he is an excellent marksman but you just shrug. He replaces the target and makes his way back to you. 

"Okay, show me what you got."

You go to stand in front of the target and raise your arm to aim. You feel Javier get close behind you and wrap his arms around you to correct your stance. He doesn't say anything as he straightens your hips - moving your ass just enough to be pressed up against his jeans. 

"Eyes open," he whispers into your neck and you can feel his hot breath. This sends a shiver down your spine but you look forward with both eyes open and pull the trigger. You pull the trigger ten times without flickering away thanks to Javier's closeness. You smile as you look at the target. 

"Okay, go, count," you turn and look at him excitedly. He smirks at your expression. You watch as he walks across the short distance. After a moment he turns and holds his hand up.

Five.

"Holy shit," you yell at him. "I beat you, you bastard." He grins at you as he walks towards you as you throw him the middle figure as you take a little bow. "I do believe, sir, that a bet was made."

"I know, I know, go easy on me. Shoulder's hurting." 

"Right, I'm sure that's the reason, viejo." You watch as Javier checks the two pistols making sure they are empty before handing it back to you. He didn't trust you enough yet to carry around a loaded gun. Not as if you were planning on doing so regardless. 

"Where are we going? The usual?"

"Oh no, Agent Pen̄a I want to celebrate. You're taking me to the most expensive place in town." 

____♡____

summer - 1987 - Colombia

You are sitting in your office feverishly scribbling down notes from the latest CIA debrief when there is a knock on the door. 

"Come in," you shout as you continue to scribble down the information from the file without bothering to look up.

"I thought you might need a little break," you glance up and see Javier holding two cups of coffee. "You've been working too much."

"That's cute coming from you," you say as you put down your pen and notes and reach up from the cup as Javier walks in and sits down across from you. 

"Well, it's still true," he just smiles at you as you lean back in your chair, relaxing.

"Yeah, why don't you tell your buddy Escobar to stop making such a mess for me then maybe I can take a vacation."

"I'll see what I can do," he takes a sip of his coffee and studies you for a minute. "How are you really, kid? Things have gotten a little...crazy around here and I know I'm no help."

"You know that's not true, Javi. You're my only friend in this entire country."

"I won't tell Murphy you said that." You just smirk at him as the two of you fall into a comfortable silence. You gaze at Javier as he looks down at the copious amount of notes thrown across your desk. You can tell he is interested and your heart flutters at the thought that he cares about your work and your opinions. You are startled out of your thoughts by the phone and grab it quickly. 

"Hello?" You don't answer it properly, still too wrapped up in your thoughts about Javier. 

Javier watches as he hears a voice greet you on the other end and your expression instantly changes. 

"No, Helen, put him through. I will take care of it," you look at Javier and mouth an 'I'm sorry' but he just ignores you and continues to look down at your notes with invested interest. There is another voice. A male voice and Javier looks up at your pained expression. 

"What do you need, Josue?" A brief pause. Javier tries his best to pretend he is still reading your notes but really he is doing his best to hear the voice on the other end. 

"What? What are you talking about? Of course not!" You sound upset and Javier looks up. You are biting your nails, a nervous habit you had that he had noticed. 

"Josue you need to ask me before you just - " Again he hears the voice on the other end. This time louder and sounding angrier. 

"No, I understand that. I've been sending you as much as I can, but - " This time Javier can hear them shouting through the phone and he sees you tense up. 

"Well, what do you want from me? More money? Because that is not going to happen. Not after what Kelly told me - " The shouting is just barely audible and Javier can make out the words 'whore', 'bitch', 'horrible', and 'worthless'. Despite the yelling on the other end, Javier watches as you remain level headed, a trait he inspired to achieve. 

"Fine. I'll pay whatever I have to. But only if she agrees to it. And please, I am begging you to do it nicely. The last thing I need is another phone call from you," you look at Javier again and mouth another 'I'm sorry" as you point to the phone and roll your eyes. This time there is a longer pause as the voice on the other end drones on.

"I am well aware, Josue. Send whatever papers you need to the address I gave you. I will happily sign them. And tell Jonathan hi for me. I really have to go," you don't say goodbye as you hang up the phone and look at Javier. "Families - what can you do?"

"Everything okay?"

"Yeah, well no, but I think it will be now," you sigh and run your hand through your hair as you stare at the ceiling. 

"Not gonna give me anything else?" There is a long few minutes where Javier watches you fidgeting in your chair as if you are considering what to say. He watches as you look back at him with a mixed expression before leaning forward on your desk and resting your forehead in your hands. 

"Oh, what the hell. Josue filed for divorce and is kicking Kelly out of the house. Which she is thrilled about but it'll be that much easier for her to…." you don't finish the thought as you just sit there trying to remain composed. "She isn't speaking to me currently. So I don't know what headspace she is in and well, I'm worried. That's all."

"Why didn't...why didn't you mention this before? And don't say trust issues."

"I'm not sure. I guess I'm used to dealing with things on my own."

"Even though you don't have to?"

"Yeah, well like I said you are my only friend in this entire country, and no offense but you're not the greatest at talking about feelings and shit."

"You're right about that," he looks at you with a sad look. "You know what I am good at?"

"Annoying me in the mornings?"

"That. And drinking. Come on. You need a drink."

"Um, did you forget one important detail?"

"I didn't forget. But usually, when a person is getting divorced or going through a break-up they go out to celebrate at a bar. It's the least you can do." He stands up and grabs your jacket and bag off the back of the door. "I'll get Murphy and Connie to come. Obviously, sparing the details." 

You look back down at the growing pile of work and bite your lip. A part of you wants to take Javier up on the offer because there is a small part of you that is sad to see this chapter in your life close. But as you look at the pile of work you remember your sister and the reason you are here in the first place. 

"The work will be there tomorrow, Doc. A good time might not. Come on. We both need this," Javier is looking at you sincerely. And you know that the puppy eyes he gives you will always win out over any rational thinking. So you dramatically push yourself back from the desk and stand up. You saunter over to Javier and pinch his cheek. 

"Fine. But ask me one personal question in front of the others and I'm out."

"Tu secreto es mi secreto."

_"(Your secret is my secret)."_

____♡____

The music is loud and you are sweating in the small space. You had asked Javier if you could go somewhere where dancing was an option, given that you wouldn't be drinking. He wasn't used to places like this and you can feel him shifting uncomfortably next to you as you fiddle with the soda in your hand. You reach out and grab his hand and bring it into your lap and lean over and whisper in his ear. 

"You need to relax, Pen̄a. This divorce party is no fun if you are a nervous wreck," you lean back and take a sip of your drink staring at him innocently. He looks at you and leans in close, squeezing your exposed thigh. 

"And this party will be even less fun if someone decides to take that hit on your head," he grumbles in your ear. You roll your eyes at him as you take another long sip of your drink. You feel his hand rubbing up and down your thigh in the short dress you had insisted on changing into before coming here. It was a short yellow tea dress that also left little to the imagination when you wore your lace push up bra. When you walked out of your room announcing you were ready to leave, Javier's eyes had practically bulged out of his head. He didn't mind the view, quite the opposite. But he didn't like the idea of others enjoying looking at your toned legs and low cut neckline, but he couldn't figure out why. He had long since forgotten about any feelings he might harbor towards you and focused instead on being the best friend and partner he could be. But tonight, for the first time in months, the thoughts of what he wanted to do to you had started to creep back in and he was having a difficult time stopping them. Especially when you were being uncharacteristically affectionate towards him. 

"And what were you two love birds, whispering about?" You turn and feel Connie wrap her arms around you in an awkward, but a warm hug. Steven claps Javier on the shoulder as the two of them take the seats opposite handing the two of you a beer. You smile as you take it and raise it a little to show your thanks. 

"The Doctor here was just picking out which of these lovely ladies I will be taking home tonight," Javier chances a glance at you as you twist the beer awkwardly in your hand. 

"That's right," you don't break eye contact with him as you smile. "And Agent Pen̄a here was helping him choose the safest option for me. To take home. I mean, I need a good fuck, isn't that right Javi?" 

"Only way to get over your ex," he doesn't look away as he raises the beer to his lips and you can see the lust starting to fill his eyes. 

"Are...are we supposed to ignore….this?" Steve motions between the two of you. Javier still has his hand firmly on your exposed thigh and he grasps it firmly under the table. He slings his other hand across the back of the chair and he is stroking small circles on your bare shoulder. Both of you refuse to be the first person to break eye contact and so you don't look at Steve as you sway your hand in his direction. 

"I have no idea what you mean, Murph," you continue to stare at Javi as he takes another sip of his beer. You realize you have unintentionally been leaning closer to him and you bring your hand up and rest your chin as you stare directly while you bite your lip. 

"Well, while you two continue to eye fuck each other, I'm going to dance with my wife," Out of the corner of your eye you see Steve grab Connie as she giggles and leads her out on the crowded dancefloor. 

"Maybe we should dial it back, yeah?" Javier cocks his eyebrows up at you. And you give him a sly smile as you use your other hand to run your fingers up his leg gently stopping when you can feel the outline of his bugle. 

"Oh, I think you _are_ enjoying this Agent Pen̄a." 

"I am. But I am not the only man in this bar with his eyes on you." 

"Yeah, have you picked one for me yet?" 

"I have but you won't like him." 

"Oh?" And for the first time since your move, you actually hope that Jaiver's flirting isn't just flirting. You find yourself hot, not just from the bar, but from your proximity to him. It is the first time that you wish that the two of you could figure out exactly just what you feel for one another. 

"Yeah," he nods his head in the direction of the bar. "That man there, in the white shirt. And glasses." You casually turn your head towards the bar and see a man leaning against the bar looking in your direction but trying his best to make it look as if he hadn't just been checking you out. 

"Is there a reason you choose the only white man in this entire bar?" You look at Javier suspiciously. 

"Well, Murphy isn't an option." He laughs lowly in your ear.

"Fine. He's my target. And yours is that beautiful blonde who hasn't stopped staring at us across the room." Without thinking you lean over and give him a tiny kiss on the cheek. "Good luck, Agent Pen̄a. Happy hunting." You wink at him as you push yourself up from the table and saunter over towards the bar. You know Javier's eyes are on the entire time as you make your way over to the bar.

Javier watches your body sway over to the bar as you lightly touch the man's shoulders to introduce yourself. He feels the ping of jealous rise as you make a flirtatious gesture that brings attention to your chest and he can see the man's eyes looking at you hungrily. Javier watches for a minute until he catches your eye and he sees you jerk your head towards the woman across the room you had pointed to, he hesitantly pushes himself away from the table and makes his way to the woman. 

You are bored. The man Javier had picked for you was so incredibly boring that you have to use every ounce of self-control not to just get up and walk away from the conversation. The music is loud and you want to dance. You will do anything to get away from this endlessly boring conversation. You look over at him. He has electric blue eyes that are enthusiastically explaining something to you. You look over to the corner that Javier had retreated with the blonde woman you had chosen, partly because you know he prefers brunettes, and you don't see him. You look around the bar not even trying to hide your boredom from….Joe? You had forgotten his name already, that's how forgettable he was. To your utter surprise, you see Javier out on the dancefloor with this mouth on the neck of another woman you hadn't seen before. You tilt your head at this, what was this feeling rising in your chest? 

"You know Joe - Josh? Right?" He nods at you excitedly. "You look so cute and I would just love to dance with you." Without waiting for a reply you grab his hand and lead him out on the dance floor where you turn around and grind up on him making sure you are within view of Javier. It would appear that he is more than occupied as he has two women dancing around him as he stands awkwardly trying to touch the blonde but she seems too excited by the music to want to stop dancing and further their interaction. You push your ass hard into your new friend and can feel that he is already hard. So you turn around and drape your arms around his neck and lead him closer to Javier before you start to kiss up and down his jaw. 

Things quickly heat up between the two of you as you start to kiss him deeply. But you keep one eye open to make sure that you remain within eyesight of Javier. Just because you wanted him to know that you were enjoying yourself. Not because you were trying to prove anything. Finally, you feel Josh grab your ass under your dress and he groans into your mouth. 

"Fuck, you're perfect," he whispers as he kisses down your neck. Your bodies continue to sway in sync with the music. You don't say anything, closing your eyes and trying to enjoy the moment and how good it actually feels to be touched like this. You don't like to admit that it had been a while since you had enjoyed intimacy like this because of the focus on your career. 

And so you decide to kiss him back and you find yourself getting lost in his kiss as his hands start to roam over your body more liberally than before. And you don't hate the feeling. You pull back and rest your head against his forehead before he starts to kiss down your neck and onto your chest. You close your eyes and moan as he hits the spot right above your collarbone. 

"Yeah," he looks up at you and with lust-filled eyes. "Do you wanna get out of here?"

Your eyes open wide at this, you hadn't actually thought that far into the future. You hadn't thought there would be a proposal for leaving with someone. And so you stare at him for a moment too long and his hands leave your side. 

"It's okay if you don't," he mutters. "We can just enjoy...this." He shuffles a little closer and pulls you into his body but he is much less relaxed and you can hear the disappointment in his voice as he looks around the room at the other couples dancing. 

"This was nice, Joe, but I'm going to go find my friends and check-in real quick," you crank your head around trying to spot Javier. All you see is Connie and Steve laughing at a table across the room. "Uh, can I come to find you?” 

He doesn't say anything just nods his head because both of you know that you are only being polite. You give him a small kiss on the cheek and then push yourself through the dancing bodies towards Steve and Connie. You quickly slide into the chair across from them trying not to look guilty. 

"Looks like you were having a good time there partner," Steve raises his eyebrows with a smirk. 

"Oh leave her alone, Steve. She just got her heartbroken. She can do whatever she wants," Connie winks at you.

"I never said she couldn't," Steve casually takes a sip of his beer. "I liked the part where you made sure Javi was watching. The look on his face - " Connie elbows him hard in the side. 

"Stop," she gives him a stern look of warning and he throws his hands up in retreat. "Agent Pen̄a and the Doctor here have told us many times that they are just friends. And we are going to respect that." The look she gives Steve tells you something more - the two of them had discussed your relationship with Javier and you could tell Connie was encouraging Steve to stay out of it. And you were grateful for Connie's grace.

"I don't know why you are so jealous, Murph. You have the most beautiful woman in the bar going home with you tonight. Why worry about me?"

"Damn straight I do," he leans over and gives her a peck on the forehead as she giggles. "I like to make sure my partners aren't up to anything….unsavory."

"Well, we aren't. And where is Javi anyways?" 

"He left," Connie looks at you and studies your reaction. 

"Oh, well good for him." You try to hide the way your insides feel like they are going to explode at the idea that Javier was at your apartment with another woman. That wasn't you. You can't believe the feelings in your heart as your mind start to wander to what they are doing. And so you do something, you swore you would never do. You grab the half-empty glass of whiskey on the table and try and down the entire thing. You don't think as you force the horrible tasting liquid down your throat. 

"Alright, now we are talking!" Murphy slaps the table as you slam the glass down trying desperately to not throw up the liquid. You feel it slowly burning down your throat as you look over at the Murphy's cheering you on. "Let's get another round of shots!" Steve shouts as he jumps up and heads towards the bar. 

"I'm really sorry about the break-up," Connie leans over and takes your hand, and smiles at you. You are so focused on the feeling of the alcohol hitting your system that you barely hear her. You look up at her with a dazed look. 

"Oh, yeah, Josue. Well, it's about time," you mutter. You blink your eyes a couple of times and try to focus your eyes. You start to think about the alcohol you had just consumed and realized it will take a lot less alcohol to get you even slightly buzzed. You smile to yourself because the alcohol is taking effect and there is something thrilling about it.

You hold Connie's hand as they lead you up the stairs. Evidently, a beer and 3 whiskey shots were all it took to get you completely intoxicated. Connie leads you down the hall as you giggle excitedly. You had never felt this light before like you were floating down the hall. It takes you stumbling over your heels and back into Steve's arms to bring you back to reality. 

"I swear you guys, I've never _ever_ , never _ever_ been drunk before. This is so exciting," you slur out. 

"Yeah, Doc, I'm sure you are going to love this in the morning," Steve says as he taps lightly on the door. 

"Oh I really, really don't - here if….please - I - not good." The word jumble that leaves your mouth makes no sense to the remaining part of your brain that is sober. And you feel yourself trying to push yourself away from your front door because you know you can't see Javier with someone else. Murphy holds you steady as the door blurs in front of you. There is a bit of shuffling on the other side and you feel like the contents of your stomach are going to come back up and you have to swallow hard to keep them down. Javier opens the door and takes in the three people. He can see that your eyes are glasses over and you are swaying slightly as you try and focus on his face. You look flushed and suddenly without warning before he can ask what's wrong you bring your hand to your mouth and rush past him stumbling over the threshold. 

"Glad you waited up. Doc here had a little too much to drink," you hear Murphy slap, Javier, on the back as you stumble over your heels and fall on all fours. You know that you look astonishingly stupid as you feel your short dress exposing your ass. But somehow you just don't really care. 

"She drank?" You can hear the confusion in Javier's voice. 

"We were at a bar weren't we?" You can feel Javier's hands come to your side as he tries to help you up. You try and wave him off but he continues to drag you to your feet and then to your horror you can't hold it anymore and you feel the bile rise in your throat. You buckle over and feel the contents of your stomach come out in a disgusting scene, you feel Javier freeze as you lean over, breathing heavily wiping away the puke from your mouth. You turn to him and see his eyes are filled with concern.

"No one mentions this part," you smirk but you feel more bile rise in your throat and you lean over and more puke escapes. You feel Javier rubbing your back. 

"I think I'll let you take care of this," you hear Murphy chuckle in the background. "Fun night, Doc." You don't look up and give him a wave as you are still leaned over the small pile of puke you had just created. You hear the door close and you slowly try and stand straight as you stumble over to the couch and reach to try and take your heels off. You can feel Javier guiding you as you sink into the sofa. 

"You want to explain this?" You can feel him walking around to the kitchen but you keep your eyes close to try and stop the spinning that is now consuming your head. After what feels like seconds you feel a small pull on your shoulder. "I'm going to take you to bed, chiquita." 

You open your eyes and see Javier leaning over as he starts to pick up your sleeping form. You look over to the mess you had made and see nothing there. How? Had you imagined that?

"Did you...clean?" 

"I know. Shocking," he chuckles softly as he takes you in his arms and you wrap your arms around his neck and lean comfortably into him. 

"Was I asleep?" you murmur.

"You passed out. But you need to sleep in a bed. Did you eat anything today?"

"No, just that coffee you brought me," you whisper into his neck. 

"Chiquita….you can't keep doing this to yourself. You need to eat." You can see he is leading you to your room and you push yourself back in his arms to try and stop him. 

"No, Javi, I need to sleep with you. Please," he stops and looks down at you. "It's the only way I sleep." He considers you for a minute. You are still in your dress and his thoughts wander, but he knows he could never take advantage of you when you are in this state of mind, as much as he would like to test the waters of your friendship. So he just gives a small nod. 

"You can only stay with me if you eat a piece of toast," you groan at his statement. 

"But I just threw up," you whine. 

"No, it's been quite a while, Doc," he walks into his room with you still in his arms and gently leans down and places you on his bed. "You need to eat something. And you need to drink some water. I think I may know a bit more about hangovers than you."

You don't argue just curl up into your usual ball and pull his covers up around you burying yourself into his pillows. 

"Don't fall asleep till you drink something at least." You just hum at him as you hear him retreat out of the room. Your head's still spinning but less so than earlier. All you feel now is a bit of a headache coming on and the growl of your stomach. Your mind wanders to the events of this evening and you remember with a sudden clinch in your stomach that Javier had left the bar with someone, and possibly brought them home and possibly….you stop yourself. You sit up and lean back against the headboard. After a few minutes, Javier reenters holding a glass of water, toast, and a bottle of Tylenol. 

"Here," he hands you the toast and you gingerly take it in your hands. Javier sits down on the side of the bed as he studies you. You take a few small bites before you reach for the water. It isn't until the cool liquid hits your mouth that you realize how thirsty you are and you start to gulp down the entire glass. "Take these," he shakes two white pills out of the bottle and hands it to you. You take them and finish off the water surprised by your thirst. Javier strokes your legs, which are wrapped up in his blanket. 

"Do you wanna explain? Or should we wait till morning?" 

"Come to bed, Javier. You must be tired too," you hand him your glass and your half-eaten toast. He sighs and shunters off shutting out the lights on his way. You slump back down in the bed and bury yourself under the covers. A few minutes later you feel the dip of Javier getting into bed and you can feel him pull on the blanket you are now sharing and you stubbornly pull it closer to your chest not wanting to relent any of your warmth. Without warning, you feel Javier's arms wrap around your waist and pull you a little closer. You are surprised and you turn to face him completely and in the darkness, you can just make out his outline. You reach up and run your hand along his jaw. 

"No, Javier, we can't do this," you whisper. 

"I'm not sure what you're referring to. I'm trying to get a piece of _my_ blanket," he whispers as he leans into your touch. He kisses the palm of your hand as you run your finger along his jaw. You giggle at him. 

"Is that all?"

"Yes. I am not sure what kind of man you think I am. Taking advantage of a young woman such as yourself," with that you feel him pick up your legs and yank the blanket out from under you. You affectionately run your fingers down his neck and along his collarbone drawing shapes along the way. You feel him relax as he lays back down. You aren't sure what possessed you but you scoot closer to him. You feel his body tense before he reaches down and wraps his arms around you and buries your head into his shoulder, snuggling as close as you can. 

"You're warm," you whisper. 

"Yeah?"

"Yeah," you feel your eyes growing heavy as he runs his hand along your arm mindlessly. You can feel your mind push forward certain thoughts, thought you'd rather not have, but as you snuggle closer to Javier your sleepy mind can't help the words that come out. "I didn't want to see you with another person. Tonight….I thought the drinks would help. Thank you for taking care of Javier, you're a really good friend." 

"I had my eyes on you all night, chiquita. There wasn't anyone else in that room but you." At this, you open your eyes a little as you shift your body so your legs are hooked around his. 

"I know you don't mean that Agent Pen̄a because this is a bad idea."

"I'd have to agree with you. But I mean it, carin̄a, I didn't bring anyone home because I knew I'd only be thinking of you." At this, you open your eyes all the way. 

"Wait," you sit up trying to see his face through the darkness. "You didn't bring anyone home from the bar?"

"No."

"But, when you left…."

"I left because I got jealous of that man grabbing your perfect ass." 

"Oh my god," your eyes widened in surprise. And anger spreads through you. You bring your hand up and playfully slap Javier on the shoulder. "You fucking jerk! I got drunk and embarrassed myself because I thought you were here fucking some bimbo." 

You can see he sits up a little too as he takes your face in his hand. " _That's_ why you picked tonight to get drunk?"

"Yes, you fucking prick. I was jealous too."

"Why didn't you say anything?"

"Are _you_ fucking kidding me right now?" You can hear him chuckle lightly at your reaction as he lowers himself back down onto the pillow. You pull yourself close to his chest and you bury yourself in the crook of his neck, wrapping your arm around his bare chest and breathing in his scent. 

"Hey, Javi?"

"Yeah?"

"What happens now?" you whisper your question quietly into his neck as you start to draw a line down his collarbone. You feel him turn and place a kiss in your hair. 

"I'm not sure. You're the responsible one."

"Let's just…..worry about it. Later. I like this too much." You don't say anything more to each other as you both drift off to sleep in each other's arms. But you know this is a terrible idea, so why did it feel so good?

____♡____

fall - 1987 - colombia

It's another beautiful Saturday in Bogata. You had once again dragged Javier to a small history museum on the edge of the city. Javier never complained about having to accompany you on the weekend, though you knew he would much rather stay home and watch fútbol while drinking beer. 

It had been nearly 2 months since your incident at the bar. The two of you had once again decided to completely ignore what both of you had confessed that night and went back to life as normal the next morning. You never discussed with him your feelings and he never brought up what he had admitted. 

Everything remained the same, except for the occasional holding of hands while driving in the car or while walking around one of your many 'cultural excursions'. Sometimes you'd read your book with your head in his lap while he mindless flipped through the channels on the TV. But it was never more than passing affection. Even now, you still shared his bed every night but it was never more than just to be in each other's presence. To feel safe. 

Today you were dragging him by the arm around this small history museum describing the history of some of the indigenous tribes of Colombia. Of course, you found all the information fascinating. Javier wasn't particularly interested, but watching your eyes brighten and turn and excitedly explain the information to him with other little tidbits you know made his heart melt. Every single time.

Now Javier has his hand casually resting on your thigh as he drives towards your apartment. You are gazing out the window as the sunsets and the radio plays softly. It is so perfectly comfortable, it feels criminal. The two of you pull up to your complex and you notice Murphy on the steps smoking with two other gentlemen. 

"Who's that?" you look over a Javier as he opens the garage to park his jeep. 

"I have no idea. Never seen them before."

"Should we be worried? Should we - " as the car comes to a stop in front of the steps the two gentlemen turn to look at you and your heart sinks. "Holy fucking shit...no," you whisper as you turn to Javier with wide eyes. 

"Do you know them?" Javier is looking between you and the two men now approaching the vehicle. And you don't have time to respond as one of them wraps on the window. You clench your jaw and turn to roll down the window with the fakest smile you can manage. 

"You are a very difficult person to get a hold of," a tall, dark-skinned man smirks at you as he leans into the window. 

"Yeah, well, might be why I moved here, Josue," you grimace as you see realization dawn on Javier's face and he grips the steering wheel a little tighter. 

"Are you going to invite me into your apartment here? We have some things to catch up on." You don't say anything as you yank the door open and purposefully hit Josue with it. 

"You're such a fucking prick," you whisper in his direction as you walk up the stairs to unlock the door. You don't even acknowledge the concerned looking Murphy. Whatever the reason for Josue's sudden appearance you know it cannot be good. And you also know that you aren't ready to deal with whatever issues he decided to bring with him. You make your way into the building and unlock the door silently as Josue and his friend follow you. 

"You remember Jonathan, I'm sure," Josue pushes past you as you motion for them to join you. You don't say anything as you slam the door shut. 

"Okay, talk," you cross your arms and glare at the both of them. 

"Whoa, is that any way to greet your husband?" he smirks at you as he takes an envelope out of his pocket. 

"There's an 'ex' in there somewhere, I believe."

"No, actually there's not. You didn't sign the papers. So sign them. And I'll be gone." You relax slightly. You remember signing the papers the morning they came. You remember sending them back as priority mail to make sure they got there fast enough. So when you take the envelope and see more papers that require your signature you look at him with growing suspicion. 

"I signed the papers already. Why didn't you send these to my lawyer?" As this door to the apartment opens and you feel Javier's presence enter the room. You don't glance up from the papers but you can hear Josue and Jonathan shift.

"Hey, she's fine. I'm an old friend," Josue says as he looks at Javier. 

"Well, that's good. I won't have to kick you out," You feel Javier put his arm around your shoulder as you are still too involved in figuring out the documents you had just been handed. 

"Josue, Javier. Javier, Josue, and Jonathan. Javier is my roommate," you don't even glance up to see his reaction. 

" _Just_ your roommate," Jonathan quips, sarcastically. Javier really didn't appreciate his tone. You look up from the paper to see him close the small distance so he is standing over Jonathan and glaring down at him with his most intimidating stare. 

"Yeah, just her roommate. Is that a problem?" you can see Jonathan visibly shrink under his gaze and you smile. You walk over and put your arm on Javier's shoulder. 

"Hey, Javi, why don't you take Jonathan out for a quick drink?" You look up at him brightly. You can see a concern behind his eyes as he glances between you and Josue. "I'm sure he's tired. After the long trip here." He doesn't say anything as he jerks his head towards the door and you see a defeated Jonathan following him. When you hear the door shut you turn and smile at Josue. 

"You know? You could've just called if you were that worried about me, Jo. You didn't need to make a big show of it."

"I came down because I wanted to give you one final chance to change your mind," he smirks as he motions at his portly but incredibly handsome figure. You throw back your head and laugh at him.

"I think you already replaced me. Plus we both know you are too handsome for me."

"I really came down because I wanted this last part to be in person. I wanted to thank you. One last time. For myself. And Maria."

"Jo, you don't have to thank me for anything. I didn't do anything. And your mother was my friend too. I would've done whatever I needed to help her." You walk over and put your hand on his cheek as you look softly up into his eyes. "You've done more for me than I can ever properly thank you for. So why don't we call it even."

He takes your arms and pulls you in for a hug and the two of you just stand there for a long moment. You feel him kiss the top of your head as he whispers, "I owe you everything. Don't think I'll forget it."

"How about I find us something to toast to and I finish this up by signing the fucking paper?" You pull away and walk into the kitchen sure that Javier has some form of alcohol appropriate for this occasion. 

"You drink now?" Josue sounds surprised. 

"Well, no. But I did get drunk down here."

"Look at you, hermana," he laughs. You smile as you pour him a small glass from an old bottle of whiskey. And you pour yourself an even smaller glass then fill it up with a little bit of water. Josue doesn't comment on this because he does know you well enough to know some of your strange corks. You walk over to where you had set the documents down and grab a pen. You glance through them again then sit on the edge of your couch and take a deep breath.

"Well, Jo, here's to a successful fake marriage," you sign your name on the line, then flip the page and sign it several more times. After you flip to the end with nothing more to sign you look up at Josue and he raises his glass. 

"And here's to a bright future as just friends." You let out a small snort as you take a small sip of your watered-down whiskey. Josue sits on the side of the couch and looks towards the door as if you could read his thoughts you reply before he asks.

"You can trust Javier. He isn't going to do anything. He's a really good guy."

"Yeah. And is that all he is to you?" 

"I don't see why it matters to you," you snap at him a little. You can see him raise his eyebrows as if he understands. "Listen, we are _just_ friends. Regardless of if…."

"Ah," he takes another sip of his whiskey. "It's one of those situations."

"I have an idea, why don't we go find the two men and you can tell me _exactly_ what kind of situation it is."

"How can I deny such a request from my ex," he stands up and offers you a hand. "Happy to know you need my approval of the next man." You roll your eyes at him as you pitch his cheek. Then you look at him for a long moment. 

"Hey, Jo, we're still friends, right? No matter what happened here and some of the things we said before, we are okay?" you ask him sincerely. He smiles at you and pulls you in for another hug. 

"Of course, hermana, you're one of the only friends I got." You just squeeze him a little tighter and can't help but feel like a huge weight has been lifted off your shoulders. This chapter had come to an end, and you felt a little sad, but you were okay. Your friendship with Josue was okay. And somehow this made it so much easier to start thinking about the future. 

____♡____

fall - 1988 - colombia

The next year passes consumed with work and little else.

The only good thing is that you now know Javier is your best friend. That much is clear. In the three years since your arrival in Colombia, the two of you had become inseparable. You spend practically every waking moment together, both at work and at home, and it still isn't nearly enough time. 

You know that people at the office think your relationship is strange. You know no one quite understands it. You also know most people assume the two of you are sleeping together and lying about it. But they would be wrong. It had long been the unspoken agreement that despite the very obvious chemistry, and the very obvious attraction the two of you share the two of you were just friends. Best friends. That did absolutely everything together. That told each other every detail of each other's day. That slept in each other's bed every night - even kicking out other guests often to make sure the other got enough rest. That sometimes fell asleep in each other's arms after some particularly rough days. That would snuggle up on the couch and give each other back massages and foot massages as you gossiped about co-workers you both mutually disliked. That knew each other's deepest secrets. You know, that kind of best friend.

Javier loved spending time with you. He cherished your friendship deeply. More deeply than any other person he had the pleasure of considering a friend. Your smile, your laughter was his drug. It was the only thing that kept him going on some of the most difficult nights. You were his drug and he was addicted. But he never expressed as much. He knew that you knew he cared about you. He knew that you were not obvious to the love he felt towards you - you would've had to have been blind not to see it. But he could never bring himself to confess just how much he loved you. How much he was willing to sacrifice for you. How much happiness you brought into his life just by existing in the same space. 

So when the phone call comes in at the office about the possibility of a transfer, you practically run down the hall desperately seeking Javi. You find him crowded around a large map with several other agents and officers. 

"Hi, I need to borrow Agent Pen̄a for a minute. It's urgent," you are out of breath as everyone in the room looks up at your appearance. You can see two of the guards exchange a look between them and you choose to ignore it as Carrillo nods at Pen̄a and he follows you out of the room. You are rushing down the hall as he grabs your arms and swings you around to face him. 

"Hey, hey, you okay?"

"Javier, they called."

"Am I supposed to know who?"

"The Eastern European CIA division. They requested my immediate transfer. If I accept I leave next week." You see a million emotions rush over Javier's face. You can tell he is trying to find the right words to react. But you can see that behind the eyes there is a sadness, a deep sadness that he refuses to acknowledge. You reach out and put your hand on the side of his cheek as he smiles sadly and leans into your touch. 

"That's - I mean - this is great news, kid," he puts his hand on top of yours. "You wanted this."

"Yeah, I did...but I - well now that it's here - I guess, I am no longer sure. And they need an answer. Tonight."

"Wait, you didn't tell them yes already?"

"No, I needed to make sure it was okay with you."

"What? Why the hell would it matter to me?" you can tell he doesn't mean those words. You know him well enough to know that he is trying to mask the other emotions he is feeling. You know him and you know that he doesn't like to admit how much he cares about other people- you included. Even though you had spent every night for the past two years asleep in his bed. Even though he knew the intimate details of your life like no one else before. Even though you know every dirty, idiotic secret he possessed. He still had a difficult time admitting that he cared about you so deeply.

"If you ask me to stay Javier... I will," you say softly. You look up at Javier and you can see the pain in his eyes as he looks down at you. There is a moment where the two of you just look at each other. You know he is thinking about all the things he wants to say to you because you are thinking the same thing. You glance down at his lips and for the briefest moment, you think about closing the distance. You think about finally doing the one thing the two of you had silently agreed against. But you force yourself back into the moment and look bad at Javier's expression which changes as his eyes soften. 

"I wouldn't ask you to give this up. Not for me," his words are barely audible. For some reason, your heart sinks. These aren't the words you wanted to hear. And you realize now that you had wanted him to ask you to stay. You had wanted him to beg you to stay. You had wanted him to tell you that he needed you here with him in Colombia. That he needs to stay because you are the only person he can trust in this whole damn country. And you know you would've. You would do anything he asked without question because at that moment it dawns on you how much you love Javier Pen̄a. You realize how deeply you'd fallen in love with the man in front of you, even if both of you are too stubborn to admit it.

So the following week when you look back at his smiling face as you hand your ticket to the flight attendant your heart breaks for the final time. You want to run into his arms and tell him exactly how you feel. You want to tell him that you will stay with him for as long as he'll have you. You want to finally kiss him. You want him. All of him. And you look into his eyes and think about running away from all the responsibilities and just existing with your best friend. 

But you don't. You turn on your heels and walk onto the plane not looking back, your mind made-up. You shuffle onto the plane making sure no one around can see the tears forming in your eyes. 

____♡____


	7. seis - fine line

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You hate your new job. Javier hates it too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know these chapters are long, but I don't do short. Sorry.

____♡____

December - 1989 - East Berlin, Germany

"It's not Sunday," Javi says after the phone rings a few times, and you can hear the shuffle of papers in the background.

"You are so smart Juvi Penny," you shriek in laughter as soon as the words leave your mouth.

"What….are you…" he sounds gravely concerned as you continue to laugh loudly over the phone. "Are you alright, Doc?"

"Well, you see there was a work function, and they had an OPEN bar. Can you believe that? At a work function. Anyways I decided - "

"Chiquita...are you drunk?"

"Is that what this is? I thought I was only tipsy," you can't contain your giggles. "JavIBARR PENIS!" You literally scream into the receiver at this. "Did you get it? Did you get my joke, Javi?"

"Not sure if I did...are you with someone?"

"Nope, just me."

"Are you safe?"

"How many TIMES have I TOLD you that I don't NEED you to constantly WORRY about me Javibar Penis?!" You emphasize the words over the phone and then immediately break down into a giggling mess as you collapse onto your bed and start laughing into the pillows.

"Do I need to worry that those communists over there are changing you?" You laugh at his remark as you roll over on your bed and pull the receiver close to your ear.

"I will have you know it was a Christmas party. And I still haven't made any friends here so I decided to drink. And now Javier Penis I have FRIENDS!" you shout as you stretch your arms wide across your bed. "I think they like me. Well, I didn't really talk to them much...because I don't really like them much if I'm being perfectly honest with you. But I mean I DID talk to them at some point. And there was this one woman Connie no, wait, Kimmy, yes her name was Kimmy and she was Mr. Banner's "date" but she was so obviously an escort I felt sort of bad. Why would you bring an escort to a Christmas work party?" There is silence at the other end. You can hear the usual hum of the office and a few clicks but no Javier. "Javi, are you there?"

"You know how much I love listening to you, but it is very busy around here since…." he doesn't finish his sentence and your heartaches. He had been devastated by the plane attack. He ended up calling you every night for a week, just to hear your voice, just to know you were okay.

"I'm sorry, Javier, you know, I shouldn't have bothered you - I just - something happened. And I needed to tell you," you try to will yourself to be sober.

"What?" you can hear him pause his movements. "You alright?"

"Yes, well no, well yes I am fine. I just feel guilty."

"What'd you do?"

"There's a woman...we've been talking quite a bit. She's from Amsterdam. And we've really hit it off…," there is silence on the other line but you know he is listening to you. "She came with me to the party tonight. I guess it was a date in some ways but it also wasn't because we aren't dating." There is still silence on the other end and you start to pick at your nails nervously. "Javi, say something."

"How long?"

"What?

"How long have you been seeing her?"

"Oh, well…"

"How long, Doc?"

"About six weeks," you squeak out.

"Well, I'm happy you've found someone over there," there is something slightly bitter in his tone.

"Javi, please don't be angry at me. I don't like that feeling."

"Why would I care who you're fucking, Doc? You're allowed to do whatever you want over there."

"That's the thing nothing happened....until tonight," you whisper the last part.

"And you called to brag about it while I work this shitstorm?"

"No! Javier, I called because I couldn't stop thinking of you," you plead through the phone.

"Am I supposed to feel flattered?"

"No, Javi, please I didn't call to fight I called because - "

"You wanted to inform me, you're dating someone. This could've waited till Sunday, Doc. I have to go, a lot is going on. Talk soon."

"Wait!" You yell into the receiver but it's too late. You hear the click and he's gone. You gulp back tears and put the phone down slowly. You know that you should try and sober yourself up. Wash your face and change your clothes. But you can't will yourself to get out of your bed. So you just curl up into yourself and start to sob.

You hated it here. You didn't want to admit it to a single person because this is what you had wanted, but you hated it here. You wanted to go home. You didn't know exactly what home meant to you. But you wanted to go there. Anywhere but here. As you cry yourself to sleep, you desperately wish for someone to just be lying next to you, so you know you are safe. To know you are going to be okay. To know you are loved.

____♡____

Christmas - 1989 - East Berlin, Germany

It's been two weeks since you spoke to Javier. You know he is busy. You know that the situation in Colombia is escalating. But he had missed your weekly phone calls for the past two Sundays and your heart is aching. Ever since you admitted that you had been seeing Tess, it would seem he didn't want anything to do with you.

You had told him so long ago on a late evening in Colombia that you and your sister were the same. That you had dated a few people throughout college. Mostly men. But there had been a few girls that had captured your heart and even though they had been brief affairs, they had left impressions on you. He didn't seem to mind. In fact, he seemed intrigued by your dating history. At the time he had wanted to know more about each person. It was from these conversations you also learned of Javier's soiled past of breaking women's hearts. He confessed his fears of commitment and admitted he never planned on having a serious relationship, as long as he could avoid it.

So now you were sitting alone in your tiny apartment in East Berlin on Christmas morning. No presents. You hadn't even bothered to get a tree. You had gotten a poinsettia on a whim from the local corner shop but it had died within a few days. It now sat sadly on your coffee table as a reminder of how this Christmas felt.

You tucked your legs under and pulled your blanket close. You had decided to spend the holiday week reading up on the history of the banana trade in Latin America and how it shaped the modern American supermarket. It wasn't exactly how you had pictured this Christmas, but it wasn't terrible. The phone rings and you jump.

It was your sister. She was checking in every 4 hours upon your request. She usually had a slip-up around the holiday season due to the stress of being near family or the stress of money or the stress of her relationship. There was always a reason you couldn't understand, so you were doing your best from halfway around the world to keep her safe.

"Anyways, sis, you should see Uncle Jimmy, he's totally shitfaced. Pissed himself and everything."

"Well, nothing new there. Promise me you are staying away from the booze, Kel?"

"I know you like to worry, but I have a handle on it this time. I swear. I haven't slipped up in 11 months. Can you just try and relax? Can you trust me?" Before you can answer there is a beep that you are getting another call.

"Hey, I'm getting another call. Call me in 4 hours. And Merry Christmas Kelly. I love you."

"Love you."

You press the button and switch over answering harshly, assuming it was someone from work calling to bother you on Christmas.

"And here I thought you'd be in a good mood on Christmas." You perk up at the sound of his voice.

"What the fuck Javi? I haven't talked to you in two weeks!"

"I know…" you hear him taking a drag of his cigarette. "You caught me at the worst possible time. Can you forgive an old man for being jealous?"

"No, you didn't even let me explain, you bastard."

"Well, I'm listening now."

"Yeah, no, you blew your chance there, Peña."

"Fair enough," you hear him take another long breath. "Are you having a good Christmas?"

"No, I'm having a shit Christmas. Thanks for asking. I absolutely hate it here," as you say this you feel tears start to fill your eyes. "I fucking hate everything about it."

"You alone?"

"Obviously, Javier," you start to cry in earnest. "And you?"

"Obviously."

"Wow, what a couple of losers we are," your voice cracks weakly. "You talk to your father yet?"

"No, because it's 1 in the morning."

"Oh right, I keep forgetting your halfway around the world." There is a long silence where you pull the blanket close to your face and start to wipe your tears away. "I know you want to ask Javi, so just get it over with."

"If you want to talk about it, I'm willing to listen this time. I - you caught me off guard. I just wasn't expecting it - and well, I was an asshole. Am I allowed to say sorry?"

"Doesn't matter anyway, I called to tell you that it was over," you can feel more tears starting to form at the thoughts of how alone you feel. It wasn't that you weren't used to the feeling, it was just hitting you a little differently today with it being Christmas and all. "That night when I went home with her, I couldn't stop thinking about...well it wasn't fair to her. So I left. She wasn't very pleased with that."

"Is that why you drank?"

"Possibly."

"You know, it is not a good idea to drink only when you're sad, that's how problems start."

"Javier Peña, you are the last person on earth I am going to take drinking advice from," you have to laugh a little at him. You hear him chuckle at your comment.

"Did you like her?"

"Not really, no. I think I was just lonely, to be honest," you murmur into the phone. This conversation is getting dangerously close to why you hated Berlin as much as you did. You aren't totally sure you are ready to confess this information to Javier just yet. "What about you, anyone new lately?"

"No one interesting enough to waste your time talking about."

"Are the best ones more expensive on Christmas or something?" You know he won't answer this. You know how much he hates it when you bring up his habitual use of hookers as a form of release. But you love the thrill when you ask him and he gets flustered.

"Something along those lines."

"If I was there, you could use me for free," you say before your mind catches up to your mouth. And you take a sharp inhale before bursting out laughing. You can hear Javier laughing through the phone and your heart beats a little quicker. "God, Javi, you need to laugh more. It's my favorite sound in the world."

"If you were here, I might take you up on that deal. Then we could laugh about it."

"Shut up, don't be mean to me. It's Christmas."

"I'm not. If you were here I would love nothing more than give you my Christmas gift."

"Is sleeping with you the gift?"

"A lot of women say it's the best gift they've ever received."

"Oh really? And tell me exactly what would you do if I was there to receive this incredible gift?" For some reason, your hand is slowly making its way down your stomach. You can hear the rasp of Javier's voice as it gets lower when he starts to describe the way he wants to take you. You feel your hand dip below your waistband and start to lightly circle your clit. You let out a moan as you press your thumb on your clit and start to rub a little harder as Javier continues to describe all the things he wants to do to you. Another pathetic whimper leaves your mouth and Javier pauses.

"Chiquita, are you touching yourself?"

"Fuck, Javi, keep talking, I need to hear you."

"Are you thinking of me while you play with your pussy?" When he says those words you can feel yourself clench around your hand as you groan. You can't resist the urge and so you dip one finger into yourself and start to pump yourself. "I need you to answer me, hermosa."

"Fuck, yes, I wish - " you are cut out by a cry of pleasure as you press down on your clit. You slip another finger in and start to pump as quickly as you can.

"If you were here I would fuck you till you couldn't walk. I would fuck you like the angel you are. Did you hear me?" You hear a noise on the other end. You can barely make it out over the noise your own body is making. But it's the sound of a zipper and Javier moaning quietly into the receiver. You are full on fucking yourself now to the sound of Javier's heavy panting and quieting curses of your name. After a moment you decide to return the favor with a breathy whisper.

"If I were there Jav, I'd let you cum down my throat." At that, you let out the longest, breathest moan of his name as you come undone around your fingers.

"Fuck," he yells on the other side of the phone as he loudly grunts and groans. You can hear him breathing heavily on the other end as you slowly trace your fingers back up your stomach still slick with your pleasure. You mindlessly trace your fingers along your torso and you hear the heavy breathing on the phone started to grow more steady. You hear the familiar click of his lighter as he takes a long drag of his cigarette and breathes out through the phone.

"So," he takes another long drag. "Do you accept my apology? For being such an asshole?"

"That was your apology? Maybe you should be an asshole to me more often," you giggle. This is followed by more silence and you shift so you are sitting up on your couch. "Hey, Javi?"

"Yes?"

"I really really really miss you."

"You wanted this, Doc."

"Yeah, but not….like this," you confess. "I think maybe….there's more important things...than my job."

"Alright, that's it," you hear him shift on the other side of the phone. "I think I need to fly over there and rescue you from whatever these communists are feeding you. This isn't the Doctor I know."

"You know I'd come with you in a heartbeat, Javier Peña."

"Yeah, but I don't want you to give this up. Not for me. Not for anyone. Promise me you will see this through?" You don't answer right away as you consider his words. You want to say that of course, you would never sacrifice your career for anyone or anything, but you know this isn't true. If he asked, you'd run to him in a heartbeat. And that thought scares you.

"Only if you promise to call me as much as possible. So we can do this."

"Are you referring to talking or the sex?"

"I guess you'll have to call me back sometime to find out, Peña."

____♡____

January - 1990 - Bogota, Colombia

Javier and Steve pushed themselves through the crowd of people in the hallway. It was just as busy as it had been for the last 6 weeks since the plane attack. More resources had been sent to the Colombian embassy in the last 6 weeks than in the previous 3 decades combined. Weirdly, Pablo's attack made Javier almost grateful for the attention it had brought to the crisis down here. Almost. There was another meeting scheduled with the President to discuss the role America would take on the renewed effort to hunt down Escobar, and both Peña and Murphy were dreading it.

"Hey, Peña! Murphy," one of the new Agents, Greg, from the CIA rushed forward to greet them. Javier stopped and put his hands on his hips annoyed. Greg stepped up and leaned in, "You should know, Washington sent us another resource officer. Suppose to be the liaison between the Colombian government and U.S agents. She'll meet at the Palace. She's got a real reputation. Some big shot from Europe. Supposed to be a real pistol. So, play nice."

"Great," Murphy sighs. "Another hoop to jump through. That's what we needed down here. Thanks for the heads up, Greg."

"Yeah, good luck gentlemen," Greg nods before retreating down the hall.

On the ride to the Palace Javier considers the possibility. How could he not? You consumed nearly half of all his thoughts. But he shook his head for even considering it. He knew better than to even get his hopes up, you would have told him. He knew you. And he knew that you were terrible at keeping things from him. Javier is on automatic pilot as they make their way to the President's office, too consumed with the idea of you back here in Colombia. Before he can readjust his thoughts the doors swing open and they are escorted into a room filled with the top military and political officials in Colombia. Javier scans the room as he shakes hands with a few of his military connections before his eyes land on a figure standing in front of the President.

Javier's jaw nearly drops to the floor. He would've recognized your ass anywhere. You looked like you were glowing as you turned slightly smiling as you nodded along with the Vice-President. Javier nearly shouted your name from across the room to get your attention. And when you turned and faced the room, he couldn't help but let out a little gasp. You look absolutely stunning. You were even prettier than he remembered. Your eyes meet, and Javier watches your mouth twist into the smuggest grin he'd ever seen on you as you wink at him. For a split second, he thinks he might actually be hallucinating before he feels a hand on his shoulder and looks over to see a smiling Murphy.

"You can stop staring there, partner. It's really her. Plus this is starting to get a little weird."

He looks at Murphy annoyed. He starts to make his way across the room but before he can properly greet you the Vice President steps forward and calls the meeting to order and everyone begins to sit in the assigned seating. To Javier's dismay, you turn and make your way toward a seat across the room. Exactly opposite from him. He bites his lip and makes his way to his seat. He notices you staring at him intently, still with that smug grin as he sits down and returns the stare. The two of you don't break eye contact until the President begins the meeting and both of you turn your attention back to your job.

Towards the end of the meeting, Javier's leg is shaking as he taps his fingers on his thigh. It would seem that everyone here wants to drag this meeting out as long as possible. As always, you are concentrated on what's being said, furiously scribbling notes on one of the small notepads you always carried with you. Javier can't help but admire how dedicated you are to your work, despite what's being said and even though he knew you disagreed with the way the Colombian government was handling this crisis, you remain unbiased and level-headed. He couldn't help but stare as you nod along with the President's closing remarks and the feeling he had tried so hard to fuck and drink away over the past two years came flooding back over him as you glance up and give him the tiniest wink.

"I thank the Americans for their continued support. But again, I expect that the resources will be put to better use back home." And with that, the meeting is concluded. Javier practically jumps out of his chair to cross the room wanting nothing more than to hug you.

You don't acknowledge him in the slightest as you shake hands with several other political officials, making your job clear. You offer your full support to the Colombian government and promise to work diligently to bring Escobar to justice. You completely ignore Javier staring at you expectantly as you approach the President offering you thanks, and you shake hands with the Vice President promising to contact him as soon as new information comes in. You turn and stride past Javier as if he isn't even there and exit the room.

Javier is speechless as he follows your clicking heels down the long marble hall. He catches up to you and grabs your arm and spins you around to see you grinning ear to ear.

"I got you, you bastard," you throw your arms around his neck and start to giggle.

"You had me worried for a second there," he laughs into your hair. He pulls you back and looks at your bright smile and his heart fills with joy for the first time in what feels like years. Probably since the last time he saw you. "Look at you, you look more beautiful than remember."

"Oh fuck you, Peña," You laugh as you bring him closer for another hug and just relax into his chest. "I'm here for less than three hours and you are already flirting with me, let me settle in at least." He just pulls you closer and you relax into his touch. He can't believe you are really here. With him. In his arms. You can't believe how perfect he still feels, even after all this time. Both of you are so lost that you don't hear the approach of another familiar face.

"Hey, don't waste your best hugs on this ugly fucker." You peek up from Javier's shoulder to see a smiling Steve.

"Oh you know I always save my best for you Murph," you peel yourself away from Javier and walk into Steve's arms as he gives you the biggest bear hug and you giggle at his brotherly sense of affection.

"Do I need to give you two love birds sometime or would you both like a ride back to the Embassy?"

You feel Javier wrap his arms around you again in a very uncharacteristic display of affection and pull you back into his arms. You laugh at him as he can't seem to stop touching you. He really can't believe you are real, and his body is moving faster than his mind.

"As much as I would love to catch up, I am supposed to meet with my new staff. And Ambassador Noonan. Right now, actually."

"Wow, look at you Ms. Big Shot. You got your own staff now," Murphy cocks his eyebrows at you as he starts to make his way to the exit. Javier doesn't let you go as he takes your hand and the two of you fall into stride behind.

"That's right, and I do believe you two clowns will be reporting to me, as well." At this, they both turn and look at you surprised. You just continue to grin between the two of them as they process the information

"You have got to be shitting me, Doc," Steve says.

"Is that any way to talk to you superior now, Murphy?" Javier says as he looks at you with a small smirk. You giggle into his shoulder and pull yourself closer as you hook your other arm through his. He peels you away from his arm and looks at you. "Are you being serious? You're taking over the investigation?"

"Not quite. They sent me in because the current administration cannot risk another conflict right now. So they are sending experts to every corner of the world to keep everyone in check with very strict policies to avoid such conflicts. And you boys got stuck with me." You turn and tap Javier on the nose. "Plus I know you were sad when I left, Murph, so I came to make that right."

"Yeah, I missed you sure, but it's nothing compared to this chum. He's been unbearable since you left. Practically cried whenever I - "

"Hey, now, let's not get carried away," Javier holds up his hand annoyed by your and Murphy's joking. "The Doctor has meetings to get to."

"Right, tough guy. Come on," Steve starts to lead the way and you feel Javier grab your hand and hold you back as he looks down at you with the softest smile and bright eyes.

"Happy you're back, chiquita. Even if you are just here to boss me around."

"Is what Murphy said true? Were you unbearable without me?"

"You know the answer to that."

"Yeah. Yeah, I guess I do."

"Hey, assholes! Let's go!" Murphy yells at the both of you from across the courtyard. You lean on Javier's shoulder as the two of you walk, hands intertwined to join Murphy.

"Where are you staying while you're here?" Javier asks.

"Oh about that…," you turn and look at him shyly. "I told them I would take care of my housing situation. That I already had a connection down here….who would let me stay in his spare room."

"Wow, a very bold assumption."

"Yeah, well I already knew your answer," Javier chuckles as he leans in and kisses the top of your head. "I filled the paperwork already. You don't need to worry about it."

"Don't I need to sign something?"

"Yeah, you did," You smirk at him as you approach the car, and he opens the passenger side door for you and you climb in grinning wickedly. "I took care of that for you too." Javier can't help but smile at your casual mention of your rule-breaking, something a few years ago you would've been horrified by. He also knows that had he been in charge of taking care of it, it likely wouldn't have gotten done. You knew that. He knew that. And so you just took care of it. He leans forward as you buckle yourself into Murphy's jeep.

"God, I really missed you. Have I mentioned that?" he whispers.

"Only once. Maybe twice."

"This is already getting old. Come on guys, we got a schedule to keep." Murphy is looking at the scene playing out in front of him with a very annoyed expression as he taps on the steering wheel.

"Sorry, Murph. But my girl here and I have a lot to catch up on." You turn and grin at Javier. Javier slams the door shut and climbs in behind you as he pulls out one of his cigarettes. Your stomach flutters at his use of the term 'my girl'. You were his girl. Through and through. But what exactly did that mean? You turn and give him a wink as Murphy turns onto the busy Colombian street.

You know that the real reason you were back in Colombia was to find the answer to that question.

  
____♡____

Javier is waiting as he is resisting smoking his last cigarette. It was very late, and you had yet to return from the Embassy, it turned out that your new role was going to be a lot of responsibility and was going to keep you very busy. He glanced at the clock again and wondered if he should call your office just to make sure you didn't need a ride home. Right as he grabs the phone he hears a light knock on the door. Javier jumps up and rushes over and swings the door open to reveal two large bags and your retreating figure as you go to the stairs and start to drag the third bag down the hall.

"Hey, let me get these," Javier walks over and takes the bag from your hand. "You must be exhausted." He takes your chin in his hand and can see your tired looking eyes as you grin at him lazily. You wrap yourself around him and pull yourself into his chest, breathing deeply. He smells exactly like you remember and his arms feel like you remember. Safe. It felt like you were finally home. You look up at him with a warm smile before finally turning to scan the apartment.

"Jesus Christ, Javier, you've been living like this?" your jaw almost hits the floor as you look around. The apartment is completely trashed It looks like it hasn't been cleaned since the last time you were here nearly 2 years ago. There are old food containers on every surface. Old case folders are stacked high on the tables and desk. The floor is covered in case photos and old newspaper clippings. You don't think it's possible to count the number of empty whiskey bottles and glasses scattered in every direction, on every surface. You turn and look at Javier flabbergasted.

"Hey, it's been a rough few weeks," he scratches the back of his neck.

"Well," you make your way across to the kitchen and dig through the drawers until you find a trash bag. "Good to know you can take care of yourself without me." You start to wander around the apartment throwing basically everything on the surfaces into the trash bag while collecting all the papers and photos and starting piles on the table. You see Javier begrudgingly walks over to the kitchen and gets his own bag and follows suit.

"You know, it's very late. You can clean all this tomorrow," he reminds you.

"If you think I am going to be able to sleep in this filth, then I'm afraid you don't know me at all, Javi." He just chuckles at you as he throws away several empty beer bottles. You move quickly through the apartment, like a whirling dervish of cleanliness, throwing away everything that needed to be and wiping down every surface.

When you get to your room you open the door and to your surprise, it's already clean. It looks like it has remained untouched since you had packed up. You look and see a small pile on the dresser of things you must've left behind stacked neatly. You feel him walk behind you and look in and he smirks down at you.

"I know you don't like it when I touch your stuff. So I didn't." You really don't want him to see how shocked you are by this simple gesture. Something is stirring inside you as you look at your untouched room. Something that is telling you how much you must mean to Javier for him to have carefully gathered the things you left. For him to have left your room completely untouched. Like he knew you would return.

"You could've used this room, Javi. I mean, I moved away, I'm not dead. It looks like a shrine to my memory."

"Yeah, well, I wanted to make sure you didn't yell at me when you came back." You pause at this and turn to face Javier.

"Wow, you were really sure I'd be back, weren't you?"

"No, not at all. Just a hopeless romantic." You throw back your head and let out a loud laugh at his words.

"Now there is a sentence I never thought I'd hear," you continue to chuckle at his joke as you drag your bags into your old room. "A hopeless romantic. HA!" You drop your bags before you collapse onto your old bed and let out a content sigh.

"Comfortable?"

"Yes, it's so much more comfortable than my bed in Berlin," you close your eyes and realize you are tired. You bring your hands up to your eyes and rub them as you let out a frustrated huff. You feel the bed dip and look over to Javier looking at you with concern.

"Please, you need to sleep. We can clean the rest of this up tomorrow. I promise it'll still be a mess." You roll your eyes at him as you look up at the ceiling.

"You're right," before Javier can say anything else you jump up off the bed. "Out I need to get changed. And then hopefully sleep."

Javier thought things might be different, you had been gone for quite a long time. But like clockwork five minutes after he closed the door to go to sleep, he heard his door creak open and hear you shuffle in as you make your way to the bed. He feels the bed dip down as he glances over and sees you wrapped up in your favorite blanket. Your hand reaches over and taps him gently and before he can stop himself, he grabs it and starts to pull you closer. You don't resist as he pulls you into his chest and you feel your ass touch his groin which had an unusually hard object grinding up on you.

"God, Javi, are you really that happy to see me?" you giggle as you bury your head into the pillow to contain the flutters in your stomach.

"Yes," he whispers as you feel his lips ghosting along the back of your neck. "Do you know how often I thought about you? Back here in my bed?" At this, you shuffle around in his arm so you are facing him. You bring your hand up and run your finger along his stubble and into his hair. He turns his head and presses a few kisses on your wrist. "You know what I promised myself if I ever got you back?" He interlaces your hands as he wraps his other arm around your waist and pulls you closer to him.

"What's that Agent Peña?" you whisper. You are ridiculously close to him now. You can feel his breath on your lips. You let your eyes scan his face in the dark, and you pull yourself closer so your forehead is pressed against his. You both sit there for a long moment as you simply soak up the presence of the other.

"I promised myself I would do this," he whispers as he brings his lips to yours in the smallest, softest kiss possible. You feel the warmth of his lips on yours and can't help but giggle a little as he pulls away.

"That's it? That's all you promised you would do? I thought you were - " you're cut off by his lips smashing against yours as he hungrily pulls you as close as he can. You wrap your arms around his neck and thread your hands into his hair. The kiss deepens and you feel his tongue slide along your bottom lip asking for access, and you don't hesitate as you open your mouth. You groan as he kisses you deeply and passionately. You have to pull away for a second to regain your breath, but he doesn't let you stay away as he clutches onto your back and pulls you in closer. You feel his hands wandering up your legs as they dip below the hem of your loose shorts and squeeze your ass. You moan into his mouth.

You can feel yourself getting hotter and so you throw yourself away from him. You yank your blanket that had become a tangled mess around your legs off of you and throw it onto the floor. You can feel Javier reaching for you to bring you back into his arms, and you surprise him when you swing your leg over his body to straddle him.

"This is a really bad idea, Javier Peña," you lean down and capture his lips on your own. Javier takes his hands and runs them up the outside of your thighs while you grind down hard on his bulging cock.

"Fuck," he hisses at you as he scrambles to grab your hips to stop you from repeating the motion. You put your hands on top of his and grin down at him hungrily.

"I'm sorry, Agent Peña, I thought we were going to fuck," you lean down and lick up his bare chest starting at his belly button and moving as slowly as you can up to his chin where you bite down before you move to his lips and whisper against them. "Or did I miss something?"

"Goddammit," he growls. Javier reaches down and grabs your ass, pulling you down in one quick motion. You let out a surprised moan at the sensation you feel, and you desperately need more friction. But Javier has other plans. You feel his hands dive under your shirt and grope your breast roughly under your shirt. Before he can do anything, you grab the bottom of the thin fabric and yank it up and over your head in one fluid motion. You feel Javier stop for a second as he leans back and drinks in your naked chest.

"Something wrong?" you tilt your head at him as he just stares towards you.

"You're fucking perfect," he mutters. He leans up and captures one of your breasts in his mouth and you feel him suck down hard. You whimper as you bring your hands into his hair and tug. He nips his way up to your neck and he bites down lightly right under your ear. This sends a wave of pleasure down your spine, and you squirm forward and bury your head into his hair. You hear him let out a low laugh as he brings his mouth back down to your other breast and nips before running his tongue around your nipple as he sucks. He reaches down and runs his hand along your core before rubbing his thumb on top of your clit and you whine. "Do you know how long I've waited for this? To see you like this?"

"Fuck, Javi, I'm not going to last long," you gasp out.

"I can tell," He lets go of your breast and looks up at you with lust-filled eyes. "Really? This wet? For me?" He continues to run his finger delicately along your folds. You were already soaking through both layers of clothing. All for him. And he knows exactly the spot to press circles on to get you to let out a little gasp each time. You can see each time you flinch forward from another wave of pleasure Javier's eye darkened with lust.

"Fuck, Javi, seriously I don't think I can - " you feel him start to rub his thumb harder on your clit, and you start to move your hips along with his motions. But with your shorts and underwear in the way, you can't get enough friction and so you whimper. "Why the fuck are these still on?"

Javier pushes you down on the bed in one motion, using his other hand to grab your shorts and underwear and yanks them down unceremoniously. He tosses them to the side and then he stops and looks down at you. He backs away slowly and you prop yourself up on your elbows to see him getting off the bed and flicking on the light. You cover your eyes from the sudden change in light. You look up at him as he stands over your naked figure, taking your hand and uncovering your eyes. You just give him a questioning look, hoping you hadn't done anything wrong because you were rather enjoying yourself.

"Fuck," he whispers as he runs his hands along your arms and into your hair. "I've thought about you every day. I just needed to see you. Really, see you," he reaches down and brings his lips to yours and kisses you deeply. You feel his hand ghosting along your chest and stomach as they make their way lower. "I've pictured you a thousand times, but nothing could ever come close to this."

"Shut up and fuck me, you cheeseball."

"Oh, no no no, hermosa, I am going to take my time and touch every inch of you." He lifts your leg and starts kissing up the side before grabbing your other leg and kissing all the way up the inside of your thigh. You groan at how achingly slow he is going. But you can see how much he is enjoying himself. You grab at his boxer, which for some insane reason were still on, and dip your fingers under the waistband and twist your fingers in the curls you can feel there. He continues to kiss every single inch of skin he can find as you try and awkwardly maneuver his boxer down his legs without much help. His dick springs free and you lick your lips with anticipation.

You put your leg on his chest and push him back so he is standing naked in front of you at the edge of the bed. You grin at him as you take his cock in your hand and stroke him slowly. Your other hand makes his way into his hair and tug softly so he is looking up. He doesn't expect it when you bend down, licking up his cock and sucking at the tip which is already leaking precum. The gasp that escapes his lips is tantalizing. You don't hesitate and take him in your mouth and suck down hard. He groans. And so you take him completely in your mouth and gag as he touches the back of your throat. But you don't let that break your determination. But he grabs a fistful of your hair and pulls you away so you are looking up at him

"Sorry, chiquita, but I - I won't last like this, I need you. Now."

You bite your lip as you wipe your mouth with the back of your hand. You shimmy up the bed without breaking eye contact and he crawls up and top of you. Before he does anything else he takes your mouth in his and kisses you fiercely, like he was claiming you. And you can't help but run your hands up his back, under his perfectly smooth skin. He kisses down your neck before he sits up and looks down at you.

"You want this? You want me?" He tilts his head slightly as he looks down at your naked figure.

"Javier, my legs are spread. Just fuck me already." He growls at your response and you feel him push up against your core gently stroking it with the tip of his dick before he finds your entrance and pushes himself inside. You let out a gasp at the feeling as he enters you. You had been with other men in your life, but no one compared to how full you felt as he continued to push into you. You curse quietly as your hips move to adjust to the new sensation.

"Fuck, you feel good," he murmurs. You can't even reply because the pleasure is too overwhelming. You just shut your eyes and let out a guttural moan, usually, you would be embarrassed by the amount of noise you are making, but you can't think straight. "Hey, you okay?"

"Yes," you gasp out. "Now fucking move." It is slow at first as both of you adjust to the new sensation of each other. You can't believe how much pleasure is radiating through your body. It feels like there is a tension building in your stomach, that could snap at any moment and you can't help but cry out in pleasure.

Javier starts moving in and out of you slowly, not wanting to go too quickly. He knows he isn't going to be able to last long. He usually prided himself on his stamina but the noises you were making below him were helping him to come undone. You look absolutely perfect underneath him as you whimper. You feel him run a finger along your cheeks and your neck. You bring your hand up and guide one of his fingers to your mouth where you bite lightly. He groans.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck," Javier pace becomes more frantic as he desperately seeks his high. He holds one hand near your mouth as you continue to suck his fingers before his other hand moves your stomach and circles your clit expertly. He applies the lightest amount of pressure and it is all it takes for you to see stars. The tension in your stomach is released so suddenly, there is no warning, and you scream out in pleasure. Your orgasm is so strong you can feel your legs twitching and your hips bucking but you can't seem to control your body's movements because it is so overcome with satisfaction.

That's all it takes for you to completely lose all sense of control. And it's all it takes for Javier to reach his release as he spills out inside of you. You hear him grunting and groaning and you pull him forward and kiss him passionately as he rides out his orgasm.

You both sit there for a minute catching your breath as you trace along his jaw and he still kisses every inch of skin he sees.

"I knew you'd be perfect," he whispers as he kisses you gently.

"And I guess I understand all the fuss now," you whisper back as you pull yourself close to him. You don't want him to leave you. You never want this feeling to leave. So when he slips out of you you whimper at the sudden loss of warmth. Javier smiles down at you as he kisses your forehead.

"Oh hermosa, that was only the first round, I can promise you that."

____♡____

You roll over and look at the sleeping figure next to you. It was late on Sunday, and the light from the afternoon was just starting to fade, basking Javier in a golden glow that makes him somehow even more handsome. You silently take your hand and bring it up to his resting face. You delicately run your finger along his nose and the thin wrinkles starting to form around his eyes and cheeks. You can't believe how peaceful he looks when he is asleep next to you like this. He looks so perfect. So content as he lays there. And you smile as you think of the past three days.

You arrived in Colombia on Wednesday. That night you had slept with Javier Peña for the first time. And fucked him the next three times in a span of a few hours while trying to sleep off the jetlag. The next morning both of you had scrambled to get ready for work, avoiding each other at all costs. Because you knew one look and you wouldn't be able to keep your hands off of him. Javier knew that if he saw you he wouldn't be able to contain his most basic instincts. Now that he had tasted you he didn't think he could ever go without you.

So naturally, when the two of you were about to leave the apartment, it turned into a quickie with Javier slamming into you as you moaned loudly against the door. You had to stop Javier from playing with the hem of the skirt throughout the entire car ride to the embassy as you tried to readjust your outfit to make it look like you hadn't just been fucked senseless.

You wander through the embassy that day in a post-sex haze that you couldn't shake. You were also running on very little sleep, but the adrenaline that coursed through your veins every time you saw Javier was enough to power you through the day. You had to avoid him like the plague because you didn't know if you had the willpower to control the sudden urge in your stomach every time you saw him. So you try to push any thought of him to the side as you struggle through your Thursday. By the middle of the day, you know that there is just no way you will be able to struggle through the next day without some manner of rest, so you excuse yourself for the following day to "unpack" and "settle in".

Finally, at the end of your day, you wander into Javier's office as he sits behind his desk looking over some papers. He is smoking a cigarette and concentrating so hard that his eyebrows look like they are touching. You lean on the door frame and knock lightly. Javier looks up and his expression immediately softens when he sees you.

"Hey, Doc. Are you ready to leave already?" He flicks his wrist to check the time. "It's only 8 pm. Why not work for a few more hours?"

"I am not in the mood, Javier. Not even a little bit. Do not test me," your words are empty threats behind a very tired voice as you close your eyes and lean against the doorframe.

"Am I going to have to carry you to the car?"

"I won't say no if you are offering."

"You give me a kiss, and I'll do anything you ask." He raises his eyebrows at you as he snubs out his cigarette and slams the file closed on his desk as he stands.

"In your fucking dreams, Peña. In your fucking dreams," you lazily roll your eyes in his direction.

"Yeah, is that what that was?" He shrugs on his jacket. "You really want me to carry you?" He leans down and starts to pick you up from behind the legs as he runs his hands down your backside grabbing your ass firmly in the process. You slap his shoulder.

"No, you buffoon," You take two steps back and glare at him, "Jesus, Javier, not here."

"There's no one around, Doc. Come on. We're fine," he takes another step towards and wraps his arms around your waist, and brings his lips to your forehead.

"Javier Peña, if you don't get your hands off of me in two seconds, I will take the gun from your hip and shoot you in the foot," you hiss. You scowl up at him as he looks down at you with a twinkle in his eye.

"Yeah?"

"I'm being serious, Javi. Please. We need to be smart." He takes his hands off of you and throws them up in defeat.

"Besides," you get on your tiptoes and lean over to whisper in his ear. "You can have me anytime you want for the next three days." He raises his eyebrows at you. "I'm taking tomorrow off," you shrug at him as you start to walk out of the office. "I have a lot of things to unpack."

You look at him with a wink. You see him run his tongue along his bottom lip before he starts to follow you. He grabs your arm before you leave the Embassy and turns to the poor secretary at the front desk.

"Hey Debra, How are you? That's a beautiful necklace," you roll your eyes at his very obvious attempt at flirting. "Did your boyfriend get that for ya?"

"What do you need, Javier?" You can hear her giggling up at him and you can't help feel a pang of jealousy at her response.

"I need you to leave a note for my office. I got a late-night call. For a lead. I'll be out all morning. Do you think you could let them know for me, Deb?"

"I suppose so, but you owe me one, Javi," she smiles up at him so sweetly you want to gag.

"Oh we both know I owe you more than one there, Deb," he winks down at her as he turns to leave. You follow him out the doors and towards the parking garage.

"Laying it on a little thick, don't you think?" Javier turns and looks at you as he walks backward. He flicks his lighter to the cigarette in his mouth.

"I'm sorry? Did I hear correctly? Are you...jealous?" He opens the passenger side door for you and you can feel his gaze on the pencil tight skirt you are wearing.

"And what if I am, Peña? What are you going to do? Take me home and fuck me over every inch of your apartment?"

"Oh don't fucking tempt me, hermosa." He grins at you wickedly, and you bite your lip as you clench your thighs together.

So naturally, over the past three days, Javier had made good on his promise and fucked you over every square inch of the apartment that he could. The shower. The kitchen counter. The couch. The living room rug. The bathroom floor. His desk. His closet. Your closet. Your bed. But mostly his bed. The two of you had hardly left the bed for the better part of three days. Just laying wrapped up in each other's arms. Talking and smoking. Laughing and joking. Soaking up all the happiness that you felt in each other's presence. And then eventually it turned into another session that left both of you breathless and sweaty.

Both of you cannot believe how impossible it feels to keep your hands off one another. Javier had been your best friend. And you had been Javier's best friend. But this new attraction to one another felt impossible. It felt like the two of you were magnets, constantly being pulled towards one another, unable to resist one another’s pull.

Now as you lay looking at his resting face as Sunday afternoon slowly fades into the evening, you let out a sad sigh. You don't want him to wake up. You don't want this weekend to end. You don't want to face the reality that is looming right ahead for both of you. Javier stirs slightly in his sleep, and his arm reaches out and wraps around your back and pulls you close to his chest. You feel him bury his head into your hair and take a deep breath.

"Tell me why we didn't do this before?"

"Cause you're a stubborn asshole," you giggle as you draw circles on his chest.

"That can't possibly be true," he murmurs. You don't respond and instead furrow your brows at the thoughts creeping in. Javier notices your change in demeanor and pulls back to get a good look at your face, but you don't look into his eyes because you know that it will overwhelm you.

"Hey," he tilts your face up, and you bite your lip, still looking away. "What's wrong?"

"It's nothing, Javi," you finally make eye contact with him, and there is a swell of tears there and you can see the concern growing. "I just don't want this to end. That's all." At this, he pulls away and leans over you. You feel him kiss your forehead before he runs his nose along your nose and down to your lips.

"You think this is a one-time thing?"

"No, well maybe, I - I don't know what you are thinking, Javier. I just don't want us to not be friends, after this. Whatever this was." He pulls away from you and looks down at you with the saddest expression in his soft brown eyes. You reach up and run your hand along his cheek.

"You're really worried about that?"

"Should I not be?"

"No, of course, fucking not. You're still my best friend. I just happen to have fucked you a couple of times now." You giggle up at his suggestion that it had only been a couple of times.

"I lost count at 10," you reach up with a laugh as you tuck a piece of hair behind his ear. He just hums as he reaches down and kisses you lightly on the lips.

"This doesn't change anything between you and me," he ghosts his lips all over your jaw and chin before landing on your lips. You sigh into his kiss.

"I know you don't usually do relationships, Javi, but this does change things. This changes everything." You look at him sadly as you run your fingers through his messy curls he tries so hard to hide.

"But - but it doesn't have to. Right?"

"Javi, are you sure you're ready to have this conversation?" you continue to run your hand through his hair as his brows pull together in concern.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean," you push yourself up on your elbows and pull the sheet up to cover your naked chest. "What is this?" you motion between the two of you as he reaches over to continue running his hands over your naked body.

"It's whatever you want it to be."

"No, that's not an answer," you lean back and feel your head hit the headboard. "Fuck, I need a smoke." You swing your feet over the edge of his bed and go to stand but feel Javier's slight tug on your arm. You dramatically turn your head toward him. You mindlessly pat his thigh behind you. "Come on, you need a drink anyway." He sits up and crawls over behind you and starts to kiss along your neck.

"I can think of something else I need right now," he whispers in your ear as he nips playfully at the lobe. You feel his arm wrap around your waist and you feel yourself relent into his touch. He moves his hands up, tears the sheet you're holding to your chest away so you are once again completely bare. "Let me taste you, yeah?"

"Goddammit, Javi," you moan as he moves his hand along your collarbone and delicately runs one finger outlining your breast. "You can't keep pulling this shit. I need to get back to reality."

"You are absolutely right," you feel him gently pull you back so you are laying on the bed as he crawls around you and onto his knees in front of you. You feel him tapping on the inside of your thighs asking for permission. You sigh and spread your legs open, hooking them around his shoulders. You feel him pressing kisses up both your legs, nipping at your most sensitive spots.

"Fuck you, Peña," you moan as his hands work their way up to your legs and pin your hips down.

"We'll get to that later," he smirks at you, and before you can reply he licks up your slit and you moan at the sensation. "You taste divine," he mumbles as you wrap your legs tighter around him. He dives into you and licks every part of you moaning at the taste. He finds your clit and applies the lightest amount of pressure with his tongue. You groan and move your hips into him. You feel his hand move under your ass and squeeze lightly as his tongue circles your clit. The sensation starts to grow in your core, and you start to let out little moans mixed with curses. Javier motions get quicker, and you start to squirm as the sensation starts to get more intense. It continues to build, and you feel Javier press gently down on your hips to keep you steady. Your hands fly into his hair and you run your fingers through it trying to grasp something to keep your focus straight before you are overcome with pleasure. It's no use. At that moment, Javier sucks down hard on your clit and the wave of pleasure comes crashing over so hard you jump up straight, grabbing his shoulders and letting out a scream. Javier brings his hand down and pumps his fingers into you to work you through your pleasure. You're clutching onto Javier's neck like your life depends on it as you let a long groan as his finger pumps into and you collapse forward onto his shoulder.

"Fuck," you whisper as you sit up on the side of the bed and Javier leans his forehead onto your bare chest. "The intensity - it's not getting any less." You hear Javier chuckle into your chest as you run your finger through his locks. He turns his head up and looks at you with lust-filled eyes.

"You still gonna call me an old man?"

"Probably," you smile at him as you lean down and kiss him. You can still taste yourself on his lips as they part and you slide your tongue into his mouth. You moan at the thought. How could one person give you this much pleasure?

"Do you...need help?" You look down at his erection and he smiles at you before kissing your nose and standing. His cock brushes dangerously close to your face.

"No. You were right. I need a drink."

You take another long drag from your cigarette. It was the second one since you had left the bed. You were sitting next to the cracked window in your underwear staring out the street. Neither of you seemed willing to be the first to speak. So instead the two of you sat in silence as Javier took long sips of his drink and absentmindedly looked over some old intel photos. When you get to the end of the cigarette you stand and walk over and snub it out in one of the many ashtrays Javier has collected around the apartment. You brush past him and run your fingers through his hair without much thought - just wanting to feel some part of him. You feel his hand reach for you and graze your legs and pull you gently into his lap. You don't resist. You fall easily into his lap, draping your arm around his neck and running your fingers along the picture he is holding.

"These are old," you murmur. You feel him lightly kiss your shoulder.

"Are you really worried? About this changing something?" You don't answer him. Instead, you concentrate on the picture and stare at it intently as if you were trying to make sense of a puzzle. "Fuck….," his voice trails off, and he leans on your shoulder. "Why are you worried?"

"Javier," you turn and look at him. "You don't exactly have the best relationship history. Which is fine. It just...this isn't you."

"That's not fair," he pulls away and looks at you with resentment.

"Well, it's true," you reach down and kiss the tip of his nose.

"I have...I've barely been able to be with anyone else since you left," he mutters against your skin. "They aren't you. No one has been you."

"I know, it's just. We can't do this. Not with work. What if you need….what if they find out?"

"Why not? It's not against the rules."

"For you, maybe," you sigh. "It would make me look bad to be sleeping with one of the guys I'm supposed to be keeping in line. People would question my judgment. Especially if I give you special treatment."

There is a long moment of quiet as Javier moves his nose up and down your shoulder.

"Do...do you give me special treatment?"

"Of course, Javi. But mostly because I agree with you for ignoring the politics and doing your job," you smile and bring your hand around and take his chin so he is looking at you. "But it can't look like I give you special treatment or else my reputation is shot."

"So we keep it secret," Javier looks at you earnestly. "I'm not going to tell anyone."

"Will you be able to do that?"

"If it means I get to keep this, yes."

"And when a pretty girl bats her eyelashes at you?"

"I will walk right by her to you." You roll your eyes.

"When you get bored? Javier, you have a history….you can't blame me for not exactly wanting to jump at being your girlfriend."

"Then don't be my girlfriend. Just be my friend."

"Well, we will need to set some ground rules," you push yourself off of Javier's lap and you feel him give an angry groan. You walk over to what was your desk, Javier had kept most of your unused notepads, pen, and pencils stacked to the side collecting dust. You grab some paper and pen and walk back over to Javier and sit down and start to scribble some notes.

"What are you doing?" He looks at you as he pours himself some more whiskey.

"Writing out the rules, obviously"

"I think you are the only person I know that writes down the rules for sex."

"And here I was thinking you thought my organization was endearing," you look up at him with a smirk before you continue to scribble out the rules coming to your mind. Javier just watches you with the smallest smile playing at the corner of his lips.

He cannot believe how lucky he feels. You were here. And you wanted to be with him in the way he had dreamed of so many times. You were more beautiful than he could've ever dreamed of. The noises you made when he was thrusting inside of you were the most beautiful noises he had ever heard. Javier would be the first to admit that he didn't have the best history with relationships. He hadn't even attempted a relationship since he came to Colombia. But you were different. You had chipped away at the walls he had built and any reservations he felt were not because of you - but because he thought he might not be good enough for you. He didn't deserve you. And he was afraid that you were going to figure that out all too soon.

"Alright, sign your name if you agree to these. This means you are swearing to me that you are going to follow these rules. No matter what."

"What is it, a contract?" He takes your notepad with a smirk.

"That's exactly what this is. And if you want me again then you agree to these rules."

"Well, it looks like I don't have much of a choice, then," Javier sets his drink down carefully looks over the notepad before reading them out loud. "Let's see 1 - no public displays of affection. All sexual acts will take place in the apartment. And the apartment only. ABSOLUTELY NO TOUCHING AT WORK. NO FLIRTING. NOTHING," you had underlined that several times to emphasize your point. "Alright, fine. I agree. 2 - friendship comes first, we promise to remain friends despite physical relationships, if threatened we stop. I can agree with that. 3 - this stays between us, you are to tell no one else. 4 - no labels, it is what it is," He puts the paper down and takes a sip of his whiskey.

"Did I forget anything?"

"I like not having to label it. Less pressure that I'll screw it up," you can hear a hint of bitterness there.

"This is a fine line we must walk, Javi."

"Yeah, and what exactly is that?"

"A fine line between friendship and….. a really good friendship."

He looks back down at the notepad and sees where you had scribbled your signature at the bottom with a little heart next to it. He sighs and signs his name on your line, and you nod your head. You rip the tiny paper off the notepad as you walk over to the fridge and stick it on the front for display.

"Alright, well, congratulations Agent Peña. We are officially friends with benefits. Should we celebrate?"

"Yeah, yeah, I think this is cause for celebration."

"I believe you mentioned something about fucking you?" You smile at him wickedly as you start to kneel in front of him. "I think we should start there."

____♡____

June - 1990 - Colombia

It is just another typical Thursday.

You are trying to ignore the urge to call Javier at his desk and have him take the afternoon off. So both of you can spend time together.

You stare down at the report you are supposed to be committing to memory not absorbing a single word, twirling your hair, and sighing deeply. Finally, you set the paper down, and against your better judgment, grab the phone and dial the boys’ extension. It rings a total of once before you hear a familiar voice, but the wrong familiar voice.

"DEA, this is Murphy."

"Murphy put Agent Peña on the phone," you say as you twist in your chair mindlessly twisting a pen in your hand.

"No," he answers, and you can hear a smile in his voice. "He is really busy right now. We both are, can I take a message?"

"I'm not fucking around Murphy, put him on the phone," you bark.

"If this is DEA related I am sure I can also help," now you can fully hear the smirk in his voice and you are very irritated by this little charade.

"Okay, here's my message for you - vete a la mierda."

"You know my Spanish is getting better, let me make sure I got this written down correctly. You want Javier to go fuck himself?" You can hear another voice behind him. You are silent for a minute as Murphy starts to argue, and you can hear an annoyed Javi trying to grab the phone out of his hand. You hear a muffled exchange of profanities.

"This is Peña." You let out a hum of contentment.

"Hi."

"Hi, Doctor, what can I help you with?" You know better than to say something on a phone that could be tapped. This was a government building after all and the chances of someone else listening in were high.

"I was hoping to go over something I found with you. Would you mind meeting me for lunch?"

You can hear the hesitation in his voice. "Chiquita….I don't think -"

"You're right. I will just come down," you try not to sound defeated. But you know the disappointment leaks through. There is a momentary silence.

"You like empanadas?" He knows the answer but asks anyway. Just for show.

"I am not sure...probably?" The answer was a definite yes, but you decide to play along.

"Give me 30." He hangs up the phone and you smile to yourself knowing the effect you had on him. The feeling was mutual, obviously, but for some reason, it made your heart flutter just thinking about how THE Javier Peña - the man every woman here called the biggest womanizer in the world - was willing to sneak out of the office for you.

You spend the next little while trying to absorb any information that you can from the report in front of you. When you hear a knock at the door, you let out a sigh in relief.

"Come in." You call and quickly stand to gather your things.

"Hey, Doctor," a voice you don't recognize greets you as you turn.

"Russel, hello," you awkwardly extend your hand. Russel was from one of the departments that worked with all the fancy technology that the military used. You barely knew him. His work in the other department had very little to do with you, and the two of you had maybe shared a total of two conversations together. You couldn't imagine why he would need to speak with you now, as the two of you didn't share anything work-related. "How can I help you?"

"I just wanted to check in and say hi," he awkwardly hangs his hands at his side as he looks around.

"Oh wow, thank you. That's really sweet. I'm great. Lots of work," you motion at the paperwork you had just failed to read.

"Yeah, yeah," he looks around avoiding eye contact. He takes another step in, reluctantly looking towards you and closing the door behind him. "I was just wondering. Well, since we work together, and I barely know a thing about you, and I would love to get to know you better, I was hoping that you would grab a drink with me sometime."

You are left speechless for a second by his proposal, trying to think of a way to not make this exceptionally awkward for the both of you.

"Wow, thank you. I have a policy - " there is another knock on the door that cuts you off from your rejection, and they don't wait as it swings it open.

"How do you feel about patacones - " Javi stops dead when he sees that you have a guest. "Oh sorry, I didn't realize…"

"No, no," Russel is quick to answer. He seems to know that you were about to reject him. "I was just - uh - checking in." He twists awkwardly around your office and avoids Javi's gaze.

You suddenly realize what this must look like to your peers. And a thought crosses your mind. A terrible idea really. One you know is sure to anger Javier. One that is sure to push him to his limit and excitement fills your stomach and before Russel can leave you grab his arm.

"Agent Peña was just going to grab some lunch for me while we discussed the latest debrief. Why don't you join us?" You can see the flash of anger that crosses Javi's eyes when you suggest this. "Or maybe we can grab a drink after work?"

Javier's jaw is set in a firm scowl as Russel looks between the two of you.

"You know I already ate, but I'll take you up on the drink."

"Great!" You give a short wave, and he nods at Javier who doesn't return the gesture.

"Ready?" You say to Javier as you grab your bag and make it to exit. You can tell he is livid under his cool exterior. You can feel his hand on the small of your back as he leads you out of the building. It was such a small gesture, but it symbolized something more to you. You could tell that because of your little conversation Javier Peña was seriously trying to signal that you were his, and his alone.

He opens the door to his jeep and you hop in trying to stifle a giggle at the way Javi's brows are set in a hardline. He gets in and flexes his hands over the steering wheel as if trying to release the anger.

"Wow, Javier, I may have pressed your buttons a little too much," You tilt your head and smile up at him. He doesn't look at the cute and innocent expression you wear and instead throws the car into gear. Deciding on exactly what he wants.

The car ride is silent. And you can't help but keep a satisfied grin on your face for successfully making him this jealous and possessive. Strangely he keeps driving past many of the restaurants the two of you frequented. Past many parks you liked to sit in together. Past the turn to your shared apartment. He keeps driving further away from the city. After 20 minutes of silence, it's killing you, and you reach over to take one of his hands but he jerks it away.

"Peña, don't be such a baby," you roll your eyes at him.

"Oh?" he arches his eyebrows as he looks at you. "I'm just supposed to ignore your little agreement."

"Yes, actually, you should," you say matter-of-factly. You look at the window and see that the buildings have become few and far between, the jungle slowly reclaiming the land as the jeep starts to climb higher. "I thought it might look suspicious to say no, I don't date co-workers, as I am going out with a coworker."

"Is this a date?" He asks.

"You tell me, hombre," you wave your hand at the landscape, and he just shrugs it off. You let out a hum of contentment. You decide that you love seeing this jealous side of Javier, so you push him. "You know Peña, it sounds to me like you are jealous. Of a little competition."

"It's a competition now?" You can hear just a hint of a smile behind his voice.

"Maybe it is, viejo," without warning Javi veers the car off the road onto a small outlook. It is surrounded by dense trees and you can just barely make out the beginnings of the cityscape. You feel Javi's hand touch the exposed skin just below your knee as it snakes its way up to your thigh.

"I'm old?" He asks as he leans over and brings his other hand to cup the side of your face his lips ghosting over yours. His hand makes its way to your underwear and you feel his finger dip under and start to stroke your clit. You throw your head back and let out a moan. "I don't remember you complaining about that before." He slips another finger and begins to stroke a little harder, and you bring the back of your hand to your mouth to silence the gasp from your lips. "And you really don't seem to be complaining now."

You just bring your other hand and wrap it around his neck wanting him closer.

"No, I'm not going to complain if you keep this up," you whimper against his lips. You can feel him circle your clit with his finger a little bit harder before he pushes a finger inside of you and you close your eyes and moan at the feeling. He starts to work his finger inside of you and you try and pull him closer to kiss him, but he suddenly pulls back removing his finger from you. You open your eyes and he sits up and slowly licks his fingers looking at you with the smuggest grin you've ever seen. You let out a frustrated huff as you grab his hand and try and bring it back between your legs.

"No," he says with a smile. "You can take care of yourself. Or maybe your new friend can help you."

You look at him in stunned silence, anger growing in your stomach, and you feel the ache between your thighs grow. You are completely incensed by his actions. You cannot believe that Javier would challenge you like this, but you decide that two can play at this game and so you smile, biting your lip.

"You know for once, Peña, you're right. I can take care of myself," you dip your fingers under your skirt and begin to circle your clit. You stare straight at him as you let your head tilt back and you close your eyes. You let out a breathy moan. You feel his hand on your chin and open your eyes and look straight at him.

"Eyes on me," he orders. You bite your lip as another moan escapes your lips.

"No," you say breathlessly as you turn your head and arch your back, and you begin to make an ungodly amount of noise. Something you know drives Javi wild. You don't have to open your eyes to know that you are causing him a great deal of distress. You continue to moan and whine out curses mixed with Javi's name. "Oh my god I'm gonna - " at this you let out a scream and kick out your legs, trying to make it as dramatic as possible, to emphasize what he just missed out on.

After a quiet moment, you open your eyes and see Javier with his hands clenched around the steering wheel staring straight at you. You glance down and see a large bulge in his impossible tight pants, and you let out a satisfied sigh.

"Now, Agent Peña, were we supposed to be discussing the case, or something?" you say it casually as you readjust your skirt and grin up at him.

Javier doesn't say anything and just stares out the front of the windshield. You can tell he is really focused on his thoughts because he has the far off look that you know so well, where his mind has traveled somewhere else entirely. So you just shrug back and turn the radio on, not bothered by the silence between the two of you. You roll down the window and reach across into Javier's front pocket grabbing the box of cigarettes and the lighter. You take one out and light it and take a long drag as you hum along to the radio. There are another few moments that pass in silence before you feel Javi's hand grab yours and lightly place his in yours as he stares down at your two hands intertwined.

"I - I really - " you can see there is a strain in his voice as he rubs the back of his neck with his free hand. "I really don't want there to be anyone else." He says it in a rush without looking at you. You just smirk at him as you take another drag of the cigarette.

"Viejo, is this the dementia talking?"

"Hey, I'm being serious," your smirk drops as you realize from the tone of his voice that he is, in fact, being serious. You sit up a little straighter and snuff out the cigarette.

"Javi," you reach over and grab his face with your hands. "There isn't anyone else. It's just you. You know that."

"Kind of feels like you want to test that," he looks at you and you can see there is a very real concern there. And for the first time since this had all started, you realize that there were very real feelings behind his soft brown eyes.

"You already know what everyone thinks about the two of us. Even you cannot be that clueless to office gossip. It may not affect you, but I would like to leave here with my reputation intact. If possible," you reach across and gently kiss the tip of his nose. "Hopefully people will finally gossip about something else for a change. Besides, it might be nice to have them think I am fucking some dude in another department, and not just being used as your little side piece of ass."

Javi is silent and so you slowly put your lips to his and you can feel him hesitate under your touch. You kiss him gently, and you can feel him pull you closer and you desperately want to crawl over the middle and into his lap. But you feel him pull back and you close your eyes as he runs his fingers along your cheek and tucks a piece of hair behind your ear. He brings his lips to yours again and places the gentlest kiss.

"You aren't just some piece of ass to me, chiquita," he whispers as he kisses along your nose and forehead. "I need you to know that." He says as he places a kiss into your hair. "Please, please believe that."

There is an urgent way in which he says this that makes your heart swell. He says it with such sincerity that you know he is trying to tell you something more. You know that he is a man of few words. You know he struggles to explain how he feels more often than not. And right now him telling this to you was his way of telling you how deeply he had come to care for you. You just sit there as he kisses you back down your nose and to your lips.

"Please tell me you understand," he whispers.

You open your eyes and grin up at his soft brown eyes. "I really care about you too, Javier Peña. I really do." He smiles at you and gives one final lingering kiss as he rubs your noses together.

"Good," he pulls back but he still keeps your hands intertwined and rests them gently on your thigh. "We should probably get something to eat. Might look weird."

"Ugh, finally. I am starving."

"Why didn't you say anything earlier?" He throws a cheeky grin at you as he turns the car on and throws it into reverse.

"I was distracted by my jealous boyfriend," you decide to use the word. Even though you know this isn't a typical relationship. Even though you know Javi detests putting labels on anything. It sort of slips out before you can stop it. Because it was what you were thinking. You should have flinched at the word, knowing Javi is likely to reject it. To your surprise, he just smiles down at you and brings your hand up and kisses it.

"Yeah. You were," he places another kiss on your knuckles. Your heart starts to swell. Was it possible that this was going to be more than either of you intended?

Was it possible that you were falling in….love? Were you really in love with your best friend?

As soon as the word crosses your mind, it sends a shiver down your spine.

Suddenly, you can see all too clearly that you're completely fucked.

____♡____

"Thanks, Russel, I had a nice time tonight," you say as you tug at the car handle. "I guess, I will see you around, yeah?" You are trying to make a hasty exit to avoid having to spend another minute in his presence. But the door is locked. You go to unlock it but you hear it click again and you turn and see Russell with his finger on the lock button. And you feel so incredibly trapped you want to cry.

"Could I see you again? This weekend maybe?"

"Ah, well, I am not sure. I am driving to Cali to see an art exhibit," you frantically make up an excuse. You hadn't been planning on going anywhere but it was the first thing that came to your mind.

"I could take you. Cali isn't all that far. I like art. We could make a weekend of it." He looks at you. You feel bad for not being honest with him. The truth was that you had an awful time tonight, and you were desperate to escape him, not to mention a little intimidated by him. His behavior at the restaurant had been alarming - yelling at several servers, bribing the hostess to get a 'better' table that was completely isolated and out of view of other patrons, touching your legs and arms throughout dinner. But it was when he grabbed your ass on the way out of the restaurant that you had to actually turn and slap his hand away. Instead of apologizing, he made a mocking hissing noise in your direction as if it were some joke. You were appalled and desperately wanted to be home. You wanted to with the man that made you feel safe.

"Listen, Russell, you seem really great. But I don't think this," you motion between the two of you. "I don't think it would work. You are really great. But we have nothing in common. And honestly, I think we would bore each other to death."

That may have been a little too honest because you see his face sink as you say this.

"Yeah, I figured. I'm sure I'm nothing compared to your partner in there," there is a bitterness in his voice - a wave of anger that sounds almost sinister. It makes you perk up in defense.

"Not sure what you are implying with that, but regardless, I had a nice time," you decide that is enough and turn to exit the car yanking on the handle harder than necessary as soon as you flip the lock. You get out of the car and turn to go up the stairs when you hear the car door open and slam behind you.

"Answer me this," you turn and see him charging around the car with his hands clenched in his pockets. "You fucking him?" He points to your apartment building. He seems genuinely angry at this and so you throw your head back and laugh.

"Not sure what you heard, but Peña is a little too old for me," you turn and walk up a few steps. "And I don't date assholes. Hints, why I don't think we will be doing this again."

You see his eyes flare at this and he follows you up the stairs and gets dangerously close as you scramble to get your keys out of your bag. You feel him grab your wrist and twist it so you are looking at him.

"Hey let go of me," you yell loudly, hoping you are loud enough that a certain roommate of yours will hear your call for help.

"I bought you dinner and you call me an asshole," he hisses at you. You yank your hand away but he grabs you again by the other wrist and pulls you closer to him. You can feel his drunken breath on your face and you wiggle out of his grasp.

"Yeah, I did! Now get away from me!" He takes a step back and looks up at you placing his hands back in his pockets.

"Every man in the office is placing bets, who is gonna bed you first," he says this in a level headed voice. "But looks like he's already called dibs." He nods at the door as Javier steps out and you instinctively reach for him. He grabs your hand and yanks you behind him, placing himself between you and Russell.

"I think you should go ahead and leave," Javier's voice is low but there is something ominous behind it that scares you. You had never heard him sound so threatening before.

"Yeah, yeah, I get it, man," he waves him off and walks down a few stairs. But he turns as if he can't help but have the final word. "You know, Doctor, you’re no better than the whores he pays to suck him off. It's pathetic really."

"Excuse me?" Javier takes a few steps towards him. You grab his hand and prevent him from going further.

"Please, Peña, let's not act like you haven't visited every brothel in Bogota. She's just your crowning jewel," You squeeze Javier's hand tight trying desperately to pull him inside.

"Stop, Javi. He's not worth it," you whisper harshly.

"No please, Peña, come on," Russell pounds his chest. "Why don't you prove you're a real man? And not just some rich fuck using Uncle Sam’s money to get off every other night." You feel Javier yank his hand out of yours and you urgently grab for his shoulder.

"Javi, please, he's not worth this. He's just an asshole," you plead with him.

"Yeah, an asshole who put up with this fucking cunt for 3 hours. How can you stand her? Is she always this annoying in - " he is interrupted by the door behind you swinging open. And a disgruntled-looking Murphy steps out assessing the situation.

"Heya fellas, there isn't a problem here, is there?" He places a protective hand on your shoulder as he says this and looks at Javier expectantly. There is a momentary pause before Javier turns to his partner.

"Glad you came, Murphy. I caught Russell here roughing up our girl," He says this in a very serious tone as he looks between Murphy and you as if asking for permission. "Seems this pig can't keep his hands to himself."

"What the fuck are you talking about? I barely touched her," Russell looks angry at the accusation.

"That's not what I saw," Javier crosses his arms and glares at him.

"Not what I saw either," Murphy interjects. You glance between them as it dawns on you what these two men are threatening. You puff out your chest a little. You had never before been fortunate enough to have someone stand up for you before, so as you look between Javier and Steve your heart glows with love. Both of them were willing to protect you no matter what and you had never had that level of friendship before. With anyone.

"What are you talking about? You two fucks didn't see jackshit."

"I saw you hurt my partner," Murphy takes another step down and places his hand on Javier’s shoulder as his other hand strokes his chin. "And as you may know, us DEA folks, we don't stand for that kind of shit."

"No, we don't," Javier crosses his arms.

"I can't believe this. You two dumb fucks have nothing. You can all go fuck yourself."

"Now there is one idea," Murphy takes another step down so he is right in front of Russell. "Or you can get in your car. Drive away. And hope we never see you again."

"And if I ever see you talking to this fine Doctor again, I will make sure you don't forget this," Javier takes another step down and puts his hands on either side of Russell's head. "If you are in the same room as her, if you even breathe the same air as her, I will make sure that you don't forget who you are messing with. You understand?" You can see Russell shirk under Javier's very intense gaze.

"Yeah, yeah," he tries to shrug off Javi's grasp but he holds on.

"Don't ever talk to her again. Because I'm not afraid to get my hands dirty," he gives him a pat on the cheek. And Russell looks back up at you. You have your arms crossed at the top of the steps and you smirk down at him - triumphant.

"Hey, pendejo," Javier snaps his finger in front of his eyes. "Don't even look at her. Go before we change our minds." Russell gives one last dirty look to the two of them before crossing the street and getting into his car. You hear the engine roar to life as he speeds off down the street.

You see Javier take a cigarette out from behind his ear and light it as you descend the steps. Once you are just a step behind you bring your arms around Javier's middle and rest your head on his shoulder. You feel one of his hands rest on top of yours. Murphy looks at the two of you and smirks.

"Good date then?" he quips. You turn your head and start to giggle into the nape of Javi's neck.

"Surprisingly, that wasn't the worst way a date has ended for me."

"Yeah, well, you better take him up. He's been insufferable all evening," Murphy motions to the two of you and turns to head back inside.

"Hey Murph," you turn and look at him. "Thank you. For well….for everything." You want to say thank you for keeping your secret but decide against it. You know Javier would never tell him willingly. Although both of you had shown small bits of affection around him, and you know he isn't stupid, you still feel better leaving some things unsaid. Plausible deniability and all that.

"Yeah, yeah I know," he shrugs you off and turns into the apartment. You turn and rest your head back on Javier's shoulder and sigh. He just continues to stroke the hand placed on his waist as he takes another long drag. You kiss him gently on the neck and bury your face into his neck with a deep breath, inhaling - you love the way he smells.

"Penny for your thoughts?" you finally say with your face still buried in his shoulder. There is a moment of silence. You feel him rubbing your arm softly as he takes one last drag of his cigarette. He flicks it to the side and smashes it with his foot, before turning, taking both your hands in his and looking you straight in the eyes.

"Let's not do that again," you feel his hand run along your cheek and into your hair. "I thought for a moment I might kill him. If he hurt you…" You close your eyes and lean into his touch and smile softly, loving this feeling.

"Okay, no more dates," you open your eyes and look at him. "Just you and me."

"Just you and me," he leans in and kisses the tip of your nose. "I could get used to that." You take his hand and start to lead him up to the apartment. As you open the door you feel him wrap his arms around your waist and you laugh as he lifts you off the ground and spins you around. You try and wiggle your way out of his grasp, but he grabs you tight to his chest. You feel his head bury itself in your neck. "Can I just hold you? Tonight? Just you and me?"

"Javi, you don't have to ask," you say as he continues to walk you down the hall holding you the entire time. "But I am obligated to comment on how soft you've gone, Peña." At this, he spins you around so you are facing him and he backs you against the apartment door.

"Only for you, chiquita," he runs his nose along your neck and jaw. "And I don't want it ruining my reputation around town." You feel him reach around and open the door and before you can do anything to prevent it you feel him grab you by the ass picking you up and throwing you over his shoulder. You let out a small shriek as he hauls you into the apartment despite your protests. Without stopping, he moves into your bedroom and plops you down on the bed so you are sitting up looking at him.

"Will you wear that thing I like?" He asks as he leans down and starts kissing you in earnest. He slowly is pushing you back with the intensity of his kisses. You feel your head hit the mattress and you wrap your arm around his neck. You pull away and look at him with a smile.

"You are so needy tonight."

Javier collapses on the bed next to you and turns so he is facing you. He runs his thumb along your cheek and along your jaw. He puts his thumb on your lips and you part them slightly so you can just lightly bite his thumb.

"I just like you in it."

"Fine, but I want pancakes in the morning."

"That's fair."

You return to bed in the lingerie you had bought in Paris - a black lacy slip-on that was completely see-through around your breasts with a huge slit up the middle. It was tiny. And showed off everything Javier loved about your body. You crawl under the covers and turn away from Javier as you bury your head into the pillows. You feel Javier wrap his arms around you and he pulls you impossibly close. You feel his head resting on your back. There are several long moments of silence, where Javier runs his fingers mindlessly over your nearly naked body. You close your eyes and relax into his touch. You are on the brink of sleep when you hear his voice break the silence - so soft you almost can't make out the words.

"I really care about you too. I think - I think I care about you more than I know," he whispers in the dark. You open your eyes to this. You don't say anything back, but pull yourself close to him. You know that it took a lot for him to say that. You know that he isn't used to being with someone for this long. You know his deep fears of commitment because you know him. You know everything about him. For him to admit his feelings, to vocalize them to you, meant a lot. Javier Peña never said anything out loud unless he was certain. And for him to be certain that he cared deeply about you meant that this was starting to become more than either of you had ever intended.

And suddenly you feel your heart flutter a little because you realize that Javier Peña just might love you in the way you are certain you love him.

  
____♡____


	8. siete - golden

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You struggle to balance life in Colombia and your not-relationship, relationship with Agent Peña.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it should be noted that this follows the last 3 episodes of season one pretty closely. (Spoiler warning? I guess?) for the sake of my story, I changed some rather LARGE portions to better fit my narrative.

____♡____

November - 1990 - Colombia

"You're staying in the car," Javier cocks his gun as he glances at you in the back seat.

"Fat chance, Agent Peña," you know that he wouldn't let you out of the car if he thought the danger was high. But you refused to stay behind like some useless partner. He already knew that would be your response, so he pulled out the silver pistol he had gifted you.

"Take it. And don't argue."

"Wasn't planning on it," you murmur as you take the sleek pistol in your hand and cock it. You hated the heavy feeling in your hand, but you knew the risk you were walking into. You jump out of the car and begin to follow closely behind Murphy and Peña. Javier reaches with his spare hand and you reach forward and give it a quick squeeze to reassure him you are close behind. You feel him tug at you so you are directly behind, and he stands in front of you protectively. He swings his arm back around pointing his gun forward. You very hesitantly do the same.

It all happens in a blur.

You hear the gunshots ring out, and you automatically cower down at the sound. You feel a hand push you down hard to the ground. You hit the dirt and your pistol goes flying out of your hand.

"Stay there," you hear Javier's voice yell back at you as he runs towards the source of the gunfire. You barely have time to register what happened before both he and Murphy are out of sight. You push yourself off the ground and whirl around as you hear screams and more gunfire from the street over.

"Fuck," you mutter to yourself. You look down at your hands, and there is a bit of blood mixed with dirt on your palms from fall. "Fuck, fuck fuck," you look around wildly for your pistol and spot it a few yards away. You hear more gunfire and your mind begins to race at the thought of what could be happening. The boys hadn't been wearing tactical gear. There was no back-up on the way.

Except you. You were the only support for Javier and Murphy. You look down at your slightly heeled shoes and toss them to the side and start to run towards the source of the noise. You stop for a second in front of the destroyed house as you hear what sounds like the shrieks of a baby. You hesitate. What if there was a child in danger? Then there is more gunfire in the distance and your body is running towards Javier.

You race down the street trying desperately to follow the source of the noise. You yell at the people on the street if they had seen the source of the disturbance. Some point in a vague direction, most ignore you completely. You continue to run down the street as fast as you can when you reach a small wooden cart being hauled by two men.

"Disculpe, ¿ha visto a dos gringos persiguiendo a unos hombres con armas?"  
 _(Pardon me, have you seen two gringos chasing some men with guns?)_

"Si, Si," the man points down the road a bit further and tells you they just ran around that corner. You thank him and push past them and trot down the road raising your gun. You are about to turn the corner when a man in a black shirt runs into you knocking both to the ground. He lands on top of you with a wild expression. He doesn't say anything as he pushes off you and starts retreating in the other direction. You are too worried about what could've happened to Javier to even consider going after him. You don't care who he was or what he could offer. You needed to know that Javier was alright.

You round the corner and you gasp in shock. Javier has his gun trained on a kid, no older than 10, who has a gun pointed right back at him. Without thinking you rush forward and hit Javier hard with the full force of your body and knock the gun out of his hand, pushing him against the wall. He tries to grab you and shove you back, but he stops once his hand is on your neck as he stares down at you.

"¡Vamos! ¡Correr!"  
 _(Go! Run!)_

You shout over your shoulder at the kid and you can hear the sound of retreating footsteps. Javier just stares down at you before he closes his eyes and leans back on the wall.

"Fuck," you hear him whisper angrily. "What the fuck are you doing here?"

"Saving your ass from doing something incredibly stupid." You hiss towards him. He looks at you and you can see the anger retreating from his eyes. A look of frustration mixed with concern crosses his features.

"I wasn't going to pull the trigger." He whispers.

"Yeah...but still Javier, he was a child."

"A child with a gun pointed right at me. I'm fine by the way." He breaks away from you and leans down to pick up his gun. He can see a smudge of blood on his arm and he looks back at you and he takes in your full figure.

"Goddammit, you're bleeding," he leans over and takes your hands in his and sees the blood, mixed with dirt on the palms before looking down at your feet, which are practically black with grime. You try not to shift your weight to show just how badly they are also aching. "Why are you barefoot?"

"I couldn't run in my shoes."

"I told you to stay put," He is running his hands up and down your arms making sure that there isn't another scratch on you.

"Since when have I ever listened to you?"

"I'm being serious, this was life or death today."

"It isn't every day?"

"No, and you know that. Why did you come after me?"

"Javi…" you whisper as he seems satisfied that you only sustained minor injuries. In a very uncharacteristic moment, you reach up and kiss him on the cheek. "I didn't want to - I don't like the idea of you being hurt. That's all." He leans forward and puts his forehead against yours.

"That's why you need to stay behind. Until you learn to use this," he runs his hands along the gun still in your hand. "You stay out of harm's way. For my sake."

"Then I'm always going to be left behind."

He is about to say something when there is a single gunshot heard from somewhere close by and the two of you jerk your heads around at the sound of the noise.

"Fuck. Murphy," he looks at you. "Stay close. There could be a lot more of them on the way." You just nod as you cock your gun and grab tightly to the back of his shirt. You both move slowly around the corner, making sure there aren't any other surprises waiting for you. You both make your way down the street walking cautiously this time. Most people had retreated into the small houses lining the streets. You hear the clammer of footsteps and see a mop of blonde hair jumping down from the rooftop.

"About fucking time you showed up," Murphy is sweating all over as he looks both of you up and down. "I see neither of us was successful. And what the fuck happened to you?" Murphy points to your hands and feet.

"Don't ask," Javier snaps at him. "We need to get moving before more of them show up."

"Wait! We need to check that house they were in," you tug on Javier's belt, and he looks back at you annoyed.

"Why?"

"I think - I just have a feeling," you mutter.

Neither of them argues with you as you make your way back to the house. Your feet are starting to ache, and you know there are cuts on the bottom from the rough gravel. Now that the adrenaline is wearing off, your hands and feet are starting to hurt a lot more, not that you would admit this to either of your partners. When you arrive back at the house, you grab your disregarded shoes and look at the torn front of the house, and grimace. There are bullet holes all through the front and the windows are shattered. But you hear it again, the unmistakable noise of a child inside.

You cautiously follow your partners up the steps. The small house reeks of blood and you can feel the bile rising to the back of your throat as the smell overwhelms you. Then you see the first body of a young woman - a bullet hole straight through her head. You gasp. And next to her in another huge pool of blood is a young woman you recognize from just a few weeks prior. The woman you had interviewed about the plane bombing. You have to let out a small gag as you can see the skin split in two where the bullet entered.

When you look up into the room and see the face of a beautiful smiling child, you have to cover your mouth as a scream escapes your lips. Javier slumps down in the chair next to you and brings his hand to his forehead. You reach out for him and you feel him wrap his arm around your legs and bring you in closer as you start to let the tears flow down your cheeks. You feel him bury his head into your stomach and you start to run your fingers through his hair. You want to say something. You want to tell them both that you need to do something. You need to call the police. You need to get the child to a hospital. But you can't. You just stare at her. Her wide eyes looking at the three strangers in front of her with wonder and curiosity.

It wasn't until this moment that you grapple with the realities of the job you are facing. This wasn't just a theoretical war that was tearing families apart. You were literally standing in the blood of a family now destroyed by the war you were trying to stop. You drop the gun in your hand and back out of the room tripping over the young woman's body and stumbling into the wall.

Javier looks as you trip and stumble backward, your eyes wild and unreadable. You don't look at him before you turn and flee from the house. He looks at Steve, and he only nods in your direction in a silent communication telling him to go after you. Javier hesitates before getting up and following you out.

Javier sees you are leaning over some bushes, as you lurch forward and puke covers the ground in front of you. He walks over and starts rubbing your back gently as you feel more bile rise in your throat and you throw up again. Neither of you say anything as you slowly stand up and look at him. He just reaches forward and takes you into his arms and holds you as tightly as he can. You both stand there for a long time.

"These people," you choke out. "They don't follow any rules. There's no code. Nothing. They just…"

"Yeah, I know. Trust me I know."

"That's why we have to, Javier. We have to follow something or else we are no better than them. It's the only thing that is separating us from them. Please tell me you understand." He looks down at you and nods. You stand there for a moment as he continues to rub your back. You silently cry into his shoulder, the images of the dead girls in front of their infant daughter won't leave your mind. And you let out a small wail into his chest. "I can't do this, Javi. I don't think I'm strong enough."

"Why don't we get through today, yeah? Then we can talk about what's next for us."

You don't want to linger on what he just said. You are so overcome with your emotions from the last 30 minutes that you don't even think twice about his use of the word 'us'. You just nod and lean back into his touch as you start to sob again. It is another few minutes before Murphy walks out of the house with the baby in tow and you become so focused on the problem at hand, that you forget to ask Javier what he meant. In fact, you forget that conversation ever happened. You forget yourself and start pouring everything you have into getting justice for those women and the baby who would never meet her parents.

____♡____

January - 1991 - Colombia

It had been nearly a year since you had returned to Colombia. And since you had returned to Javier Peña.

It had been one year since the two of you had made your rather strange arrangement. And even after all this time, neither of you could admit how in love you really were. You refused to acknowledge how deeply you cared about Javier. You didn't like to think about what would happen if you were to lose him while he was in the field. You refused to even entertain the thought of what you would do should you receive a phone call after one of the raids ended badly. You wouldn't let yourself admit you had become dependent on him for many things because you had never been so reliant on another person before.

You only felt safe when Javier was near. You could only sleep when you were in his arms. He was the only person who could cheer you up after rough days. He was the only person who knew how to handle your crazy cleaning habits, your deeply ingrained trust issues, your fear of commitment, your need for independence and alone time, your giggly self when you were so tired you couldn't think straight, and your grumpy moods when you weren't sleeping. He was better to you than you were to yourself. He treated you with respect and kindness, even in moments when you didn't deserve it. You knew that you could be mean, that you could say things you didn't mean when you were angry when the stress got to you and it felt like everything was too much. But Javier always forgave you. He always welcomed you into his arms with a kiss. Because he understood you.

He understood the little things that made you tick, and he didn't mind understanding them. That was how you knew he loved you as much as he did. He knew how you liked your coffee in the mornings. He knew that you liked to shower alone so you could talk to yourself to practice conversations for the upcoming day. He knew you loved disco music, but would never admit it. He knew you liked to dance. He knew you hated sports but didn't mind entertaining him for an evening or two as long as he supplied a few kisses along the way. He knew you enjoyed the quiet morning hours before most people had risen to write in your journal and exercise. He knew you loved animals, and despite his protests, you would always stop to pet a stray cat or dog. He knew you were competitive and hated losing in any capacity, no matter what, and so you were always silently competing with the world around you. He knew that you valued knowledge, and you valued your education above anything else. He knew that your biggest goal was to absorb and learn as much as you could, no matter where you were in the world. You wanted to know everything. And he knew he loved watching you as you tried, by reading every book you thought looked mildly interesting or dragging him through museums. He knew he loved you.

And you knew that you loved him.

But Javier refused to think about how much he needed you in his life. He had become reliant on your positivity. The sunshine you brought into his life, even on the worst of days, it was something he couldn't stand to think about losing. You were an important part of his life. He couldn't remember ever loving another soul more. In his eyes, you were perfect. Your optimism, your grace, even in the most trying circumstances never failed to amaze him.

You were his best friend, and the two of you just happen to sleep together. Almost exclusively, for a year now. There was no one else that Javier wanted to be with. He couldn't even imagine attempting to be with another woman. Javier really believed you were the most beautiful woman he had ever laid eyes on. On your worst days, when insecurity would strike and you would complain, Javier would take extra time to make sure and kiss everything you said you hated - because to him every inch of you was perfect. You were flawless in his eyes. Every time he touched you he felt the same thrill as the first time.

He loved you more than he could express. You knew everything there was to know about him. You were aware of all the things he had done - in Colombia and before - and yet you still saw the best version of him. You always found a way to see past his mistakes and see the good person Javier struggled to be.

But neither of you would acknowledge these feelings. It would mean acknowledging that both of you were relying on each other. That both of you didn't see a life without the other in it. Saying "I Love You" meant you were committed to something more - something you couldn't just run away from. And both of you were good at running away whenever things got too real.

And so you spend the day walking around a small farmers market, followed by a bookstore, followed by beers and some sporting event. Neither of you saying a simple happy anniversary or 'I love you'.

When you get home you strip down and put on Javier's favorite pair of underwear. You find him playing a soft love song on the record player in the living room pouring two glasses of champagne. He sees you and smirks as he pulls you in close, grabbing your ass tightly before he spins you slowly, and you both dance along to the music. You don't say anything as you lean into his chest and pull him close. You both sway there for a long time and when the song ends, Javier pulls your chin up and kisses you deeply.

"Hey, chiquita. You know I adore you, right? Everything about you?" He whispers against your lips. You don't reply and kiss him softly. He pulls you back so you are staring at his soft brown eyes. "Please. I need you to understand how much I adore you. Tell me you understand."

"Oh I understand, Javier Peña," you reach up on your tiptoes and kiss him deeply, putting your full weight against his chest so he stumbles back a bit and falls lightly on the couch. You stand above him and bite your lip as you get down on your knees and wiggle your way in between his legs as you run your hands over his thighs gently. "Now can I show you how much I worship you?"

____♡____

June - 1991 - Colombia

Javier and Murphy needed to see this for themselves. After the past few years of chasing and fighting, Escobar was going to just turn himself over to the Colombian government. Just like that. He was going to surrender himself, and the war he had started would effectively be over. All their work would be wiped away by the President's signature. So as they rushed out to the coordinates you had secretly given them and watched through binoculars as Pablo shook the Vice President's hand, both of them were overcome with anger and disbelief.

Javier watched as you stepped off the helicopter. There you were staring down one of the world's most wanted men. You don't smile - your expression is blank. You stood in front of him and offered him a piece of paper. It was the official recension of the extradition treaty, signed by the United States Ambassador, and delivered by a US diplomat. Guaranteeing that Escobar got everything he wanted out of this deal. There is a strange jealousy that rises in Javier's chest as he watches you approach Escobar. He isn't sure if it's because you're the one bringing him in, or if he is jealous that Escobar gets to share the same space as your beautiful soul. He didn't deserve that. He didn't deserve to even look at you or breathe the same air as you. You were too special, too wonderful to be around the likes of an evil man Escobar.

Javier watches Pablo offer you a handshake, and you glance down at it before turning your back and retreating into the helicopter. Javier smirks.

"That's my girl," he mutters to himself.

" _Your girl_ has got some balls on her. Fuck," Murphy lowers his binoculars and looks at Javier. "She's dancing with the devil now."

"Did you really expect anything less, Murph?"

"Suppose not."

The two remain silent as they watch Escobar surrender himself. There isn't much to say in a moment like this - both of them feel like all their hard work is being washed away. And it hurt.

Javier, Steve, and Carrillo sit together at the back of a dimly lit bar just a few hours later. Not saying much, but letting the defeat wash over them as they sip on their drinks. Steve pretends to be invested in some sporting event on TV. Javier keeps glancing at the door waiting for you to appear. Carrillo takes notice of Javier's shifting eyes and smirks at him.

"Estoy segura de que estará aquí pronto, Peña."  
(I am sure she will be here soon, Peña.)

"Si lo se."  
 _(Yeah, I know)_

"Estoy segura de que ella se está haciendo bonita para ti."  
 _(I am sure she is making herself pretty for you.)_

"¿Qué demonios significa eso?"  
 _(What the hell does that mean?)_

"Nada. Solo una observación.”  
 _(Nothing. Just an observation.)_

"Am I missing something here, boys?" Murphy breaks his focus from the TV and looks between the two of them.

"No, I am telling Peña, I am sure the Doctor will be here very soon."

"Oh, I'm sure she is just as eager to see you, Javi. Always is."

"Will both of you cut it out? There isn't anything…" Javier doesn't finish that sentence because as if on queue the door opens and you timidly walk into the bar. He immediately stands to make his way toward you without acknowledging the knowing smirks on Carrillo and Murphy's faces.

"Yeah, nothing going on, sure," Murphy mutters, and Javier slaps him on the back of the head.

As Javier gets closer he can see that your cheeks are puffy and that your eyes are red. You had clearly just been crying. And nothing makes him angrier or more concerned than the thought of you being hurt. You see him walking towards you and put out your hand for him to take. Instead, he pulls you in for a hug, completely encompassing you with his strong arms. He pulls back after a moment and runs his finger along your cheeks.

"What happened? Are you hurt?" You playfully swat his hand away.

"No, Javier, it's just been...a really rough day."

"Yeah, I bet. Can I buy you a drink?"

"Please, but make it something fruity. And not a lot of alcohol. Please." He winks at you as he retreats to the bar, and you make your way to the table. Murphy stands and hugs you, muttering something about how brave you were to stand up to him like that.

"Oh, you saw that?"

"Yeah, I told Peña that his girl here has some steel balls to stand up to Escobar like that."

Javier returns with a very pink looking drink - which is a massive contrast from the bottles of beer and glasses of whiskey on the table, and you internally laugh. Javier pulls you down in the chair next to him and you feel his hand start to rub up and down your leg.

"You stood up to Escobar?" Carrillo asks as he takes a sip of his drink.

"Hardly. I just refused to shake his hand. Which, I guess was not a good thing. I got pretty badly chewed out once we landed. The Vice President was….very unhappy with me." You feel Javier squeeze tightly at the inside of your thigh and you turn your head toward him. He is looking at you with the biggest puppy eyes. You have a feeling that he is going to be extra needy tonight once you are out of sight of these people. You know him, and you know when he is jealous. You know when he wants to make sure and remind you that you are his girl. You sigh as you look into his soft brown eyes. "I honestly don't want to talk about it. It...was, not an enjoyable experience. The whole thing feels wrong."

"Here, here," Carrillo raises his glass toward you as he downs the rest of the glass. "I guess we will have to discuss the weather then, hey amigos." At this, the three of you laugh. You don't spend much longer there with your partners and Carrillo, long enough to finish your drink. Much of the time is spent in silence - but somehow at the end, you do feel a bit better. As Murphy and Carrillo make their excuses to leave you give them both small hugs and thank them for their company.

Once they exit the bar, it is a mere second before Javier’s lips are on your own. It is deep and passionate. Like he wants to make sure you know he is there. You pull back and giggle.

"Javi, not here. You know the rules, babe," you run your finger across his lips as you lick your own, wanting nothing more than to break your own rules and kiss him back.

"Well, then I say we need to take this somewhere more private." He smiles at you wickedly as you feel his fingers ghosting higher and higher on your thigh. You don't reply as you stand, making sure to give him a full view of your ass, before walking out onto the street. You get barely two steps when you feel him tug at your arm and pull you back in for a kiss. This one is softer. Sweeter. Just Javier reminding you that he is there and that he would always be right behind you every step of the way.

  
____♡____

January - 1992 - Colombia

Two years. You had been with Javier for two years. You weren't planning on reminding him of the anniversary. It might be a little odd to celebrate a "we-aren't-technically-dating-because-we-are-both terrified-of-commitment-but-we-also-aren't-seeing-anyone-else-and-that's-because-you-are- the-only-person-that-makes-me-happy" anniversary.

It had been two years together of your not relationship status. Yet, you referred to Javier as your boyfriend when you spoke to your sister, and he knew that. He spoke to his father often and while you tried not to eavesdrop, your ears always perked up when you heard him mention the woman he had been seeing for quite some time. No matter how many times you insisted on not putting labels on this, even in your own mind Javier was your boyfriend. He wasn't just your boyfriend - you believed he was your soulmate. Of course, you were too stubborn to admit this to anyone, including Javier.

You knew that Murphy was aware that there was something more between the two of you. His comments Although you tried to conceal it from him as best as you could, you didn't want him to have to keep your secret, so you decided to just not share it. No one in Colombia was supposed to be aware of your relationship. However, you weren't dumb and remained grossly aware of how people viewed your relationship with suspicion.

But even you had to admit it was a bit strange the amount of time you and Javier spent together for being 'just friends'. You believed that adult men and women could be just friends, but in your case, you never truly spent any time outside the office without Javier in close proximity. And people noticed. You explained it away as friendship. Or that Javier felt rather protective of you after the death threat you had received, over 4 years ago now, and very obviously forgotten by the narcos.

Despite your relationship being somewhat obvious to some, you and Javier had yet to use those three little words. He had often told you he cared for you. Once he even told you, when he was very drunk, that he adored you. But he had never said he loved you. And you had never once told him you loved him. You didn't know why. You couldn't explain your fear of telling Javier how you really felt. It felt like you needed to keep it secret in order to keep it safe. If someone, anyone knew they would use it against you.

And sometimes you had the terrifying thoughts that Javier didn't really love you in the way you loved him. Maybe now after two years had passed he had grown bored of you. Maybe he had grown annoyed with all your little habits he had to put up with. Maybe he never loved you, maybe it was just an intense infatuation that had worn off. You often think that Javier might not love you, but he loves the idea of you. He loves the idea of another person being there for him, for the comfort of it. Despite what he might say, Javier desperately needs others' company. He loves feeling needed. And you gave that to him. But what if both of you were just two people so desperate to find somewhere or someone to belong that your entire relationship was a lie?

These thoughts had been plaguing you for months but they melt away when you walk into your office and to your surprise, there is a bright pink orchid on your desk the morning of the anniversary with a note tucked under it. Written in Javier's sloppy cursive are just the words - "For dealing with my shit."

You smile to yourself as you admire the flower. Javier remembered your favorite flower and your favorite color. All on an anniversary, you hadn't reminded him about - maybe you really were rubbing off on him after all. You walk around and sit down behind your desk still smiling widely at the addition to your office. There is a soft knock at the door. You call for them to come in, and Rebecca, your assistant, pushes herself into the room with a grin and a cup of coffee. She sets it down on your desk and gasps when she sees the flower.

"Good morning, Doctor. Beautiful flower! Wow! What's the occasion?"

"Present. From a friend. Did you check and see if the Vice Minister of Justice called?"

"Good friend," she winks at you as she hands you some envelopes. "And no, he hasn't called. But I will make sure and get him through to you right away when he does. Oh, I almost forgot!" She dodges out of the room. This was left outside your door last night. Not sure by who - "

She reveals a small box wrapped in bright red paper with a huge white bow on it. You grab it from her to see if there is a name, fearing that a certain someone had gotten sloppy. But there is nothing.

"Is it your birthday?" Rebecca looks at you with a smirk.

"What?" you look up from the package. "Oh no, my birthday is in March." You can't believe that you so casually let information like that slip. You hadn't even hesitated in your answer. "Thanks, Rebecca! Let me know when you get him on the phone please."

You don't leave any room for her to answer as you shut the door and whirl around to open the small package. You carefully rip the paper off and see a simple white box in which you peek open to see what is inside. You gasp and drop the box to the floor. Before anyone else can see, you shove it into your bag - making sure there is no part of it showing. Then you turn and march out of your office.

You don't knock on Peña and Murphy's door as you storm in, fuming, fists clenched.

"Get out, Murphy," you snap. They both look up from their desk surprised. You don't make eye contact with Murphy as you glare at Javier from across the room.

"We were actually - " Javier tries to say something but you hold up your hand. You point to Murphy then jerk your head. He looks between the two of you with a smug grin.

"I want no part of this, Javi," he stands slapping him on the back. "Coffee, Doc?" You don't reply as he exits the room. You walk slowly towards Javier glaring at him. He just leans back in his chair and fixes a natural expression on his face.

"You didn't like your gift then?"

"No, Javier, why would you send that to _my office?_ "

"Why?" Javier looks at you incredulously. "You're the one who wanted to spice things up around the apartment and try it."

"Javier, I am not referring to the gift itself, because I appreciate the sentiment. I do. But I can't have them thinking that we - "

"Who? Who is the 'them' you are referring to?"

"Anyone! You know it could end my career if they found out that we were...you know whatever!" You make a motion between the two of you and Javier looks at you for a long moment in time. He doesn't say anything as he takes the cigarette pack out and lights one. He offers you one but you wave it away. He lets out a long exhale before answering in a monotone voice.

"That we're just fucking around."

"Yes, Javi, 'just fucking around,'" you put it in air quotes as you roll your eyes at him. "Seriously, Javi, you know that I like you. Why do you like to push my buttons on this?"

"You want the truth?" he raises his eyebrows at you and you nod. "Because you look super hot right now." This catches you off guard completely.

"You...wanted me to react like this?"

"Yeah, you look super sexy when you get flustered and angry," he stands up and makes his way toward you. He doesn't touch you, just stands dangerously close as he exhales his cigarette. You frown at him.

"If this is some weird sex thing, Peña, it's not working."

"If I touched your cunt would it give away that lie?" You look at him with surprise.

"What the fuck has gotten into you?"

"Excuse me for thinking you are a beautiful woman," he carefully places his hands on your hips. You don't move into his touch as he leans his forehead against yours. "Two years is a long time for me, hermosa," he lets his voice drop off and you smile at him. You shrug. You put your arms around his neck and hug him close.

"You remembered?"

"Of course." He says softly. You look up at his eyes and your smile.

"I did like the gift," you giggle. "Even if you are an asshole for making me open it at work.

"Yeah? I thought you might. You've been talking about it for a while now."

"Hmm, well, I am willing to try them tonight."

"Am I allowed to ask where you got them?"

"Do you really want to know?"

"Javier, I swear if they aren't new - "

"What!?" he steps back and looks at you with a flabbergasted look. "I didn't take them from one of my informants if that's what you are implying."

"I can't even believe I had to ask that," you laugh as you bury your head into his chest. You can feel a chuckle vibrate through his chest and you lose yourself in him.

"You didn't need to. You know you're the only girl for me, right?"

"If I told you, you weren't the first person to send me dildos and butt plugs at work would you believe me?"

"I think I would have more questions about that actually."

"Well, Agent Peña, that's another story for another time." You reach up on your tiptoes and kiss him. At first, it's a chaste kiss but as you start to pull away he grabs your ass and pulls you up to his mouth. You give a surprised squeal as he starts to kiss you deeply. You wrap your arms around his neck and lose yourself in this feeling, as his tongue explores your mouth. You moan as one of his legs grinds up against your core under your skirt. You reach up and start to loosen his tie and unbutton his shirt. His hands move up and grip your ass tightly and on instinct, you jump up and wrap your legs around his waist. He backs you up against the wall and you groan as you hit the wall. His hands run under your skirt and allow the bare skin of your thighs. You start bringing your hands to his chest and look him in the eye as you run your hand down and the top of his pants.

You hear a throat clearing behind Javier and you tap his back to get his attention. Javier turns to see Steve looking at you with a smug grin and three cups of coffee. You bury your horrified expression into Javier's shoulder not wanting to meet Steve's gaze.

"Hate to interrupt an important meeting here guys, but we do have some work to get done."

You feel Javier's breath as he laughs against your neck. He leans down and kisses you gently on the jaw before letting you go.

"Sorry, Agent Murphy, we were just catching up," Javier adjusts his tie and you scramble back and adjust your skirt a little, Javier stands in front of you to block you from the view of Steve. After you adjust you step out and smile at Steve as if he hadn't just caught you very intensely making out with Javier.

"Well, I can see you boys have it all handled here, I will be on my way then. Good chatting Peña. Always a pleasure murphy." You don't make eye contact with either of them as you exit the door and close the door quickly. You do here Steve chuckling as Javier scoffs at him. You weren't going to lean close to the door to listen to the rest of the conversation - you weren't going to eavesdrop on your boyfriend, but curiosity got the better of you. You lean in just out of view of your two partners.

"I'm telling you to be quiet for once, Murphy."

"I didn't say anything, Javi," you can hear Murphy's laugh through the small crack in the door. "You know you can trust me though, right?" Javier doesn't reply except for an annoyed grunt in Steve's direction. "Hey, I mean it. I may think you're an asshole, Javier, but I'd die before I'd let something happen to girlfriend, who's right there on the other side of that door "

You feel your face get hot as you realize you weren't as sneaky as you had thought and tried to silently back away before you call any more attention to yourself. You can hear Steve's voice a little louder as you back away.

"I hope your girlfriend knows that she can trust her friends, Javier." You can hear a very clearly annoyed Javier answer with his voice a lot louder than necessary making sure to reach your ears.

"I wouldn't know, Steve because I don't have a girlfriend."

____♡____

February - 1992 - Colombia

Seven months. That's how long Escobar had been in his own personal prison.

It's also how long it had been since there had been any significant violence in Colombia. It felt almost peaceful to walk outside on the streets now. You had even convinced Javier to let you go on runs in a nearby park. Of course, he sat on a bench nearby watching your every move as you lapped around and around. As the fresh air hit your lungs you felt almost hopeful for the future. There were children here. Families were finally free to roam outside without fear of violence. Maybe, just maybe, this wasn't the worst possible thing that could've happened.

This peace agreement also meant you and Javier had a lot more time to spend together. Without the constant battle happening with narcos, Javier actually did have a lot more free time to spend almost entirely with you. You never took Javier to be the romantic type. But for the weekends that the two of you spent together, he pulled out all the stops in trying to impress you. From picnics in parks to touring vineyards and coffee plantations, taking you to the beach because you complained about how badly you wanted to swim, and of course more 'cultural excursions.'

Javier never particularly enjoyed going to museums or bookstores you picked out. But he never complained. Because your enthusiasm for the culture in Colombia and learning the history of its people was contagious. He didn't like the art, nor did he enjoy looking at some crazy old artifact - it was always you who captured his attention. Your beauty, your bright and cheery expressions never failed to make his heart melt. You would always squeeze his hand in excitement when you wanted to share some tidbit you knew or you would grab his hand and drag him along rambling off facts that he couldn't follow as you showed him something. It was in these quiet moments that you were grateful for the new-found peace here in Colombia. You felt for the first time you could balance both your career and a relationship. That you didn't need to sacrifice one for the other. And you had the peace agreement to thank for that, so how bad could putting him in jail really be?

Javier felt much differently than you. Since seeing pictures of the prison, he spent every day trying to find ways to legally - without breaking the contract signed by the Colombian government - prove he was violating the terms of his surrender. You did your best to ignore his efforts. You didn't actually believe there was a way for him to prove anything. But you made him swear to keep you in the loop of whatever crazy scheme he and Murphy had cooked up this time.

This was a silent strain between the two of you that was never discussed - your acceptance of the surrender deal and Javier's persistent efforts to undermine it.

So one afternoon in the office when there is a knock on your door and Javier lets himself in holding several photos, you try not to let out an angry sigh.

"I know you don't want to hear it," Javier says when he sees the expression on your face. "But Murphy may have found something."

"Javi, please don't tell me this is about La Catedral."

"When I say it is, are you going to be mad?"

"No, just disappointed."

"We both know that is much worse, chiquita." You smirk at him as he comes around your desk and shows you the aerial photos.

"Murphy believes this is a coop. Now if we can catch one of the birds - "

"Hold on, a coop? Like a chicken coop?"

"Yes, except they are using pigeons. Messenger pigeons."

"You have got to be fucking kidding me," you groan as you lean your head on the back of your chair.

"Wish I was."

"These fucking assholes just don't know when to quit do they?"

"Murphy thinks we can get one of the birds without violating any of the terms. If we can get a bird or two we may be able to get a glimpse of how he is running things inside the prison." He looks at you excitedly. You wish that you could share his enthusiasm, but at the moment you look back down at the pictures running your fingers over the tiny circled spot.

"I don't know, Javi…. it seems risky. If you are caught around the prison it would look very very bad for us."

"So we won't get caught."

"I know you aren't here asking for permission. So go and come straight back here if you find something. But you need to be careful, Javier," you only use his full name when you are being serious or when you want to make a point.

"Always am, sweetheart." He grabs the photos and winks at you. And because you have no impulse control around him, you stand.

"Hey, Javi?" He turns and looks at you with his hand on the doorknob. "Kiss me."

He smiles at you and doesn't ask why the sudden change of heart. He just closes the distance between the two of you and kisses you firmly on the lips. You wrap your arms around his neck and pull him closer. You bite his bottom lip before slipping your tongue into his mouth. You can feel him backing you up until you hit your desk. His hands grab your ass and lift you ever so slightly onto the desk. Your kissing has become frantic now. You are pulling on his shirt wanting to feel the skin beneath, but you feel him take your hands in his and break away.

"I thought we had rules about this," Javier breathes against you as he rests his forehead against yours. You reach up and kiss him gently.

"We do. And I am breaking them. Is that a problem Agent Peña?"

"No. Not for me at least. But let's not take any chances today," he places one final kiss on the tip of your nose before he pulls away entirely. You groan at his absence. He smirks down at you as he adjusts his appearance. He turns to leave before adding, "Besides, I have a weekend trip planned with a gorgeous girl. And I would hate to make her jealous."

You know he is referring to you. He had made sure to remind you that you couldn't work this weekend because he had made special plans. You didn't know what he was up to, but you knew that it involved the beach given that out of the blue, Javier had insisted on buying you a rather revealing bikini the week before. You decided to play along with his little joke and frown at him.

"Well, Agent Peña, I do hope she's better than this," You turn your backside to him and bend over pretending to pick something up. You toss him a wink before you sit down behind your desk. "You better hurry back to Murphy. I would hate for the two of you to miss out on your weekend time."

____♡____

March - 1992 - Colombia

It's late. You are on your second glass of wine, and your head is starting to hurt a little. Connie and you had been laughing for close to two hours now while the boys worked. They were staring at old pictures, courtesy of you, and trying to figure out the tunnel mystery. You had long since given up on trying to work the case, mostly because it came as a direct order from your superiors. But it didn't mean you couldn't give your boys a helping hand now and again with your CIA resources.

Connie had insisted you come along to dinner. You had told her that since Javier and you weren't a couple, that it was perfectly fine for just him to enjoy the evening with them. But she had insisted you come because you had nothing else to do. Unfortunately, she wasn't completely wrong.

As it turns out, you and Connie got along fabulously when there weren't drug lords and wars to discuss. She had painted your nails while telling you all about her crazy family back home. You still weren't completely trustful of people, but since you had been with Javier, you had gotten better at allowing there to be some form of intimacy between you and the people you considered friends. So it shocked everyone in the room when you revealed you had a twin sister - Steve and Connie because they couldn't believe they'd not seen one picture of your identical twin or even heard about her until now, and Javier because he was shocked to see you revealing details of your life to anyone but him.

"I'm sorry? I've known you for… 7 years and I am just now finding out you have an identical twin sister," Murphy leans back in his chair looking at you in disbelief. "As in, there is another you walking around somewhere out there, and I didn't know?"

"Surprised the hell out of me too when I found out," Javier laughs.

"You knew?" Murphy looks at him.

"Of course Javi knew, we fucking live together Steve."

"You ever met…." Steve seems unsure if he should press you anymore on the matter and looks to you to make sure it is okay to ask for more details.

"Kelly. Her name is Kelly. We barely look anything alike despite being identical and we are very very different people."

"Actually, you do look a lot alike. And no, Steve, I've only spoken to her on the phone," Javier says as he takes a sip of his drink and returns his attention back to the photos.

"Yeah, and she has a major crush on you, you dumb flirt," the wine was starting to kick in as you giggle up towards him. He looks back at you with a hint of surprise.

"Well, I don't blame her," Steve claps Javier on the back with a smile. "Javi here can charm the pants off just about anyone. You should've seen him charming the Ambassador today."

"Oh please, no work talk, this was just starting to get fun," Connie always groans at the mention of anything work-related. "The Doctor here actually told us something personal."

"Unfortunately, we do need to make the Doc work at some point," Javier says.

You make a dramatic show of standing up and walk over to the table to look over all the material again. You are feeling uncharacteristically affectionate, and you blame the wine. You run your hand along Javier's shoulders as you pass behind him and down his arm as you sit before interlacing your fingers together and smiling up at him. He looks down at your interlaced fingers and rolls his eyes. He leans over so he is a few inches from your face.

"Being cute doesn't get you out of working," He whispers. If Steve hadn't been watching the two of you with raised eyebrows, you would've kissed Javier. And you wouldn't have stopped kissing him until all your clothes and all his clothes were on the ground beside this table. You clench your thighs together and bite your lip, hoping Javi gets the message that it's time to take your tipsy ass home and put you to bed.

"Alright, man, I'm calling it a night," Javier looks at you before leaning back and stretching. You look down at the photos at the table and pull a couple of them closer as you start to stack them neatly. You glance at the pictures and notice something. You grab a few more pictures - suddenly very interested.

"Come on man, finish up."

"No, you can't even smoke in here." You feel Javier tap you on the back but you pull a few of the other photos closer.

"So no luck tonight, huh?" Connie grabs the glass in front of you as she clears the table.

"All these aerials don't indicate a single tunnel in the entire mountainside."

"Well, maybe that's cause there isn't one then," you say as you stand up and grab all the pictures and spread them out. "But I can see this truck. It's in every photo." You point to the tiny truck in each picture. You can feel Javier's hand come onto your back. You look up at him with wide eyes. He is biting his tongue like he does when he is thinking deeply. He leans forward so his mouth is right next to your ear.

"You really need to start drinking more often, hermosa." You giggle as the boys look over every picture. Steve takes a marker and circles the truck several times before Javier takes the magnifying glass and looks closer at the truck. You just stand there and sway happily feeling giddy about your discovery.

"I need to get her home. Before she solves this entire case for us and puts us out of our jobs," Javier grabs your jacket and hangs it loosely on your shoulders. "We get a jump on this first thing tomorrow."

Steve agrees. You thank them both for dinner and good conversation. Steve reminds you again that he is blown away that there are two of you just walking around and he had no idea. You give him a small hug and thank him.

"You're my more favorite partner. But don't tell Javi."

"Yeah, I know. Now go get some rest. You really need to learn to hold your liquor, Doc." At this, you laugh. Without thinking you extend your hand behind you as a force of habit, just waiting for Javier to take it. He does, and he gently guides you out of the apartment and into the hall. When he hears the door shut behind, his hand finds your ass instantly and gives it a firm squeeze.

"You really are here to put me out of a job aren't you?" You turn and face him with a sly grin.

"Oh no! Now that you've figured out my bastardly plan, what are you going to do to me, Agent Peña?" You feign innocence as you look at him while reaching over and hooking your fingers under his belt. "You know, I would love it if it involved me on top of you."

"I can make arrangements." He leans down and kisses you. It is just supposed to be a gentle reminder kiss. A kiss to remind you that you are his girl, but you pull him in and start to kiss him passionately. You tug on his belt and pull him flush against you, wrapping your arms around his neck. His hands find your ass, and you jump up and hook your legs around his waist. You don't break away but keep kissing him as he ever so slowly makes his way down the hall to your door. He pushes you up against it hard as his hands search his pockets for the keys. In his haste to open the door, he fumbles for a moment and he drops the keys. He swears as he breaks away from your swollen lips. You place your forehead on his shoulder and start to giggle. You feel him slowly guiding your legs down to the floor before he reaches down to grab the keys.

"You know," you whisper. "We are breaking the rules, Agent Peña. We are not IN the apartment yet."

"I know, Doc," he looks at you with lust-filled eyes and a sly smile. "Isn't it exciting?"

____♡____

July - 1992 - Colombia

Peña and Murphy had spent most of their time tracking down the truck from the photos. It ended up being a solid lead. Photos taken from that truck proved that Escobar wasn't living up to the terms of his surrender. Javier was convinced that with the increasing pile of photos he kept bringing you that one of these times would finally be the time the President would decide to act. So when you walk back down the hall of the embassy after returning from meeting with the President, yet again, Javier is only a few steps behind you. He doesn't say anything just waits in the doorway as you put your stuff away. You turn and look at him with a sad smile.

"No."

"You have got to be fucking kidding me? Did you show him the pictures? They are clearly - "

"Javi, I know. I am trying. But they are still convinced that having him locked up is more beneficial for the people of Colombia. They think trying to move him would be more a disaster than trying to reign in whatever party he is having in his little getaway castle."

He curses and storms out of the office. This had become somewhat of a weekly ritual for the two of you since they had installed the camera in that stupid truck. You slump down in your chair and run your temples.

You hated disappointing Javier. You really did. You felt a loyalty to him that you felt to no one else. You knew this was a problem. You needed to be level headed and treat everyone equally. But that was impossible when it came to Javier.

The more time that pressed on the more it became apparent that you couldn't do your job properly and date Javier. You had been debating bringing this up to him for a while now. But it never felt like the right time. The two of you were spending more and more time apart. You were having to make frequent trips to DC to brief key figures. Javier was spending much of his time in Medellín tracing leads. But when you were with Javier everything felt better. You couldn't deny your attraction to him. You couldn't deny how much better he made you feel. This job had become so much of a drain, you felt like you were losing touch with a part of yourself, but Javier helped you find it. He made you laugh. He made you smile. He really was everything that you needed at the end of the day.

It isn't until the next week when Javier comes home strangely late and non-talkative that alarm bells start ringing again. You try and snuggle in closer to him but he doesn't seem interested. He is sitting in the low light searching through a large stack of photos. You sit up and look at him.

"Are you going to tell me what this is about?" You motion to the photos he is flipping through.

"Met with an informant. I need to verify the information before we move forward."

"Oh."

It's the only thing you can muster. If he had met with an informant this late….no, he would've told you if it was like that, right? You look at him wanting to ask more, but he is too focused on the pictures to see the hurt look in your eye. So you turn your back and curl into a tiny ball trying not to focus on the thoughts running wild in your head.

The next morning Javier is gone before you even wake up. The fear strikes you harder this time as you get ready to go to work. Were you really going to act jealous? Javier was not your boyfriend. You always made that clear. He was free to sleep with whomever he chose. But it was impossible not to feel the hurt.

Work feels longer than usual. You aren't sure why but you blame it on not sleeping well the night before. A little before 5 there's a knock on the door and Murphy and Peña make their way into your office. You look at them exceedingly annoyed.

"I was just about to leave," you snap at them.

"It's not even 5, Doc," Javier chuckles.

"Yeah, and last time I checked I was your boss Peña. What the fuck do you want?" Your sour attitude surprises both of them. You can see concern flicker across Javier's face as he considers you. Before he can say anything Steve hands you two photographs.

"Finally something you can use."

"What am I looking at?"

Javier jumps in and explains. Realization dawns on you as you look between the two photos. The significance of the photos leaves you speechless and you slowly lower yourself back down onto your chair.

"He's fucking idiot. Jesus Christ," you can't take your eyes off the photos. "Have you verified with the families? Are they confirmed missing people?"

"Yes, both families filed missing people reports within 36 hours of these photos."

"Fucking hell," you look down at them again then back up at your overly eager partner. "Okay, this is compelling. If it turns out to be true, it might be enough to push them into action. But you need to give me time. They aren't going to like this."

"Yeah, do what you do best, Doc," Murphy smiles at you.

"This is going to cause a shit storm but both of you need to be patient, I will handle it from here. You have my word." This seems to satisfy them for the time being.

But over the coming days, it turned out to be more difficult than you originally thought to get the President to act on your information. No one actually cared about the two dead Narcos. It was more a matter of how much they were willing to let slide while Pablo was locked away in the name of peace. You were on your third trip to the Palace to explain why they needed to act immediately before the information got into the wrong hands when an unexpected voice greeted you.

"Are you going to explain why you are avoiding me? Or am I going to have to chase you down every time I need to talk to you?" You whirl around to see Javier leaning casually on the outside of the building smoking a cigarette.

"Jesus, Javi, you scared me," you barely acknowledge me and keep walking.

"Hey," he lightly grabs your arm so you are facing him. "Answer me."

"I'm not avoiding you, Javier. I've been a little busy dealing with the information you gave me," you avoid his gaze as you turn and start to continue on your way.

"That's bullshit and you know it." You whirl around.

"What the fuck do you want me to say, Javi? That I am just fine! That it didn't phase me at all that you met with one of your informants late at night without even telling me! Is that what you need to hear?" Your voice gets higher and higher as you continue. "Is it? That I am totally okay with you fucking other people?"

You are surprised at how confused he looks at your confession. He looks genuinely flabbergasted by your response.

"Is that what this is about? You think I slept with someone else?"

"You know what? I don't care if you did. You are free to do whomever you choose. It shouldn't mean anything to me. I have a meeting to get to. See you around, Javi." You don't wait for him to respond as you trot away.

Like some never-ending nightmare, the debate about what to do with the information drones on and on without a real conclusion. No one wants to stand up to Escobar and risk open war, but the risk of the photos leaking is becoming a threat no one can ignore. You leave another meeting with no answers - only to be greeted by a disgruntled Javier.

"Don't you have a job too?" You snap at him.

"I waited so we could finish our conversation."

"Well, good luck. Because I have no interest in speaking with you."

"Hey," he steps in front of you and puts his arms on your shoulder so you are forced to look at him. "I didn't sleep with anyone else. I wouldn't….you know….I couldn't…."

"I guess I don't know that, Javi."

"You're the only girl for me, chiquita. You gotta know that by now."

"Not here," you try to brush him off and start walking but he grabs your hand and interlaces your fingers. "Seriously?! I don't need you to lie about it."

"I'm not fucking lying." You just roll your eyes at him. You keep walking trying to wiggle your hand out of his grasp. “Fuck, what can I do to make you believe me?”

“Just do your job, Pena.” He doesn't say anything as he just follows behind you in step. "Just make sure you are not something else I need to worry about, yeah?"

"Any progress with the photos then?" He asks as he glances down at your folder.

"No. I have to hand it to Escobar. He really has these people terrified of him," you reach around inside your purse looking for your guilty, stress cigarettes. Before you can even fully form the thought Javier is lighting one and handing it to you. "That or they're paid off so well they can't afford to go after him."

"You know, there are other ways to get people's attention, Doc."

"No. We are not leaking these. We are going to play by the rules because that's how this works." Javier looks down at you and nods. "Please, Javi, I'm begging you - don't do anything stupid. Just give me a little more time. I promise to get you what you want. Just….I need time. Promise me?"

He doesn't say anything just puts his hands on his hips and bites his lips. He nods in your direction. You know he is displeased with how long this is taking but you also know that he trusts you to get the job done. You put your hand up to his cheek and smile.

"Tan's your color, Jav. You look good today."

"Yeah?" He leans into your touch and puts his hand on top of yours.

"Yeah, I might even say you look sexy," you smile at him but there is a sadness in your heart that prevents the words from sounding genuine.

"I didn't sleep with anyone. Not since we made our…..little arrangement. I swear," he whispers as he places a kiss on the palm of your hand. You tilt your head as you consider him. He is being serious and sincere. "You're my girl."

"Unfortunately, I think you're right," you mutter as you pull your hand away. "Don't make me fucking regret it."

____♡____

July - 1992 - Colombia

Javier dials your number praying that you pick up on the first try. You had been so busy these past three days that he had hardly spoken to you.

"What?" You answer gruffly.

"Hey, I need your help with something," Javier says as he runs his thumb across his lips.

"Now is not a really good time, Javier. Kinda dealing with a few things over here," he can hear the commotion in the background of dozens of voices and phones ringing."Thanks to you, by the way."

"Steve got snatched."

"What? What the hell? When?"

"Today. Someone took him. Could be Cali. Possibly Escobar. Can you look into it, put a feeler out and see if you find anything?"

"Fuck, I...Javi, I don't have time to - I'm about to - hold on a sec - " Javier hears you as you whisper something to another person before yelling orders. He smiles at the thought of you being fierce and in command. "Javier, I can't help right now. You need to go to the Colonel. They won't hurt him because they aren't idiots. I really have to go. Find Steve, okay?"

You hang up before he can say anything. Frustrated, he slams the phone down and hits the steering wheel with his fist. Ever since the photo leak, you had been frustratingly distant towards him. He didn't blame you for being upset. He and Steve had caused a lot of trouble by leaking those pictures to the press. But he had thought that you believed in doing the greater good. And he believed that bringing Escobar to justice was the greater good.

He hadn't seen you in nearly two days. You had blamed it on the amount of work you now had in front of you, making sure to remind him that it was because of him that you were working overtime. But Javier wasn't stupid. He knew that you were still angry, despite saying that you had gotten past him going behind your back because you needed to focus on work, he knew better. You hadn't returned any of his calls or answered any of his messages. He was starting to worry that your anger was deeper, and something Javier might not be able to just fix with his words and charm. But he also knew he would leak the photos again, even if it meant losing you. You had both agreed that work came first. No matter what. And he did what he had to do to get his job done. But the thought that this might be the end for the both of you sent Javier into a spiral of dark thoughts.

Javier makes the calls to all police stations and hospitals before asking the Colonel for help. He doesn't like asking for help, plus he isn't welcome in the building currently so he would like to avoid it if possible. But when he can't turn up any leads with Steve's whereabouts he reluctantly asks him to ask his contacts for any information. He agrees. Javier waits impatiently in the parking garage tapping his hands on the steering wheel. His thoughts shifted between whatever danger Steve could be in and how he was going to fix his relationship with you.

Should he confess how much you matter to him? Should he admit he can't see a future without you in it? Should he just wait and let your anger fade away like it had so many times before? He knows this time is different. He knows that. He knows if he wants to salvage what the two of you had he needed to do something to show you how much you meant to him. Maybe if Escobar was actually behind bars in a real prison he could finally focus on a future that didn't involve narcos.

Javier is so wrapped up in his thoughts that he doesn't hear the Colonel tap on the window. He gives him that bad news - it's time to ring the alarms. Javier agrees and thanks to him before rolling the window back up, deciding to call Connie before making his way into the Ambassador's office

"Hey, Peña," Javier rolls the window back down and looks at the Colonel. "You talked to your girlfriend before she took off? It sounds like she is about to walk into a hell of a fight."

"What're you talking about?"

"Didn't you hear? She's there. Or on the way. He requested to speak to an American…" the Colonel motions to the radio that is playing softly from the interior of Javier's jeep. "She volunteered. Going against the President's order. Gotta say your girl's got nerves of steel."

Javier's blood freezes. He doesn't completely register what the Colonel is saying. All he can think of is you. He doesn't reply to the Colonel but punches the car into gear and speeds away. He grabs his phone and dials your number. You don't answer.

"FUCK!"

Javier doesn't know where he is driving. He needed to find Steve. He had an obligation to his partner. But Javier knew if Connie was in danger Steve wouldn't hesitate to leave him behind to go after his wife. Javier thinks over the options in his head. He needed to get to Medellín. He needed to be there to protect you in whatever capacity he could.

He is about to head to the airport without another thought when a nagging feeling enters his stomach. He knows if you were here you would be screaming at him to find Steve. You would be furious if he followed you to Medellín without fulfilling his basic obligation to his partner. He curses angrily as he slams the car back into gear and makes his way into the Embassy.

He knocks on the Ambassador's door and lets himself in.

"We may have a problem," Javier announces. He turns and to his utter surprise, Steve Murphy is staring straight back at him.

Turns out Murphy did get snatched and threatened by the Cali cartel. But at the moment this problem didn't exactly matter to Javier. What mattered was getting to you.

"Ambassador, can I request that myself and Murphy get on a plane tonight to Medellín? To assist the Doctor in whatever way we can?"

"Wait," Murphy looks at Javier. "She's there?" Javier just nods grimly.

"Ambassador, we need to go," Murphy says a lot more urgently.

"I understand Agent Peña, your relationship with this partner is special," she frowns at him. "But may I remind you that it is supposed to be in a strictly professional manner?"

"It is, Ambassador. I am asking to go there because we need to be there should they need back-up. We need to make sure nothing happens. We can't screw this up."

"And why do you think I sent your partner? Because it sounded fun?" The Ambassador crosses her arms as she eyes the both of them. "No, she is there to oversee the operation. And I trust that she will do America proud."

"Ambassador, I think what my partner is trying to say, is that we have invested a lot into this, and both of us would like to make sure to see it to the very end. Now hopefully that's tonight, and we can all go home. But both of us deserve to be there."

"Oh don't tell me what you deserve. You're the reason this mess exists, to begin with. But only because I know I will be sending you there tomorrow to make sure all loose ends are tied up, you can take a plane there tonight. But I am warning you both, it is a diplomatic disaster if you set foot inside that prison without explicit permission from Colombian officials. If you do, it will be considered treason. Go."

  
____♡____

They really weren't kidding when they said it was a shit show. There are dozens of vehicles lined up at the gate. Military guards and police officers are running in every direction. Steve throws the car into park and Javier jumps out and looks at the ominous building. Both of them ask around to see where you might be and get a gauge on the situation. To Javier's horror, one of the officers nods when he mentions your name and points to the building.

"Escobar requested her himself. She's inside now."

There is nothing either of them can do but wait until something happens. Javier anxiously taps his leg on the ground as he waits just outside the gates. Just when Javier thought he wouldn't be able to wait any longer there is an eruption of gunfire.

Without thinking, Javier runs towards the gunfire but he feels Steve holding him back.

"She's fucking in there Steve," he hisses as he fights Steve's grasp.

"And we can't be," he is holding Javier back with everything he has. There is a lot of shouting, and Javier hears a very distinct woman's scream, and he pulls against Steve's arm to try and get loose. Steve tackles him to the ground and pins him down. "She can handle herself, Peña. You can't get yourself killed in the crossfire or she really will kick your ass for the headache you cause her!"

Javier sees you running across the field escorted by two Colombian officers. You look terrified. One of the men helping you fall and you scream. You reach down to help him back up and hoist him into your side as he limps toward the gates holding his now bleeding leg. You start to yell for help as soon as you are near the gate. Javier pushes Steve aside and runs to you.

When you see Javier making his way across the chaos, you don't even hesitate. You run towards him as he opens his arms wide, and you rush into them and begin to sob. You can't say anything. Everything is too loud. Everyone is too close. There is so much gunfire in the background and you cringe as you hear each shot, knowing that that shot could've ended another life. You feel along Javier's back trying to get a closer grip and you feel the unmistakable outline of the gun tucked behind his belt. A fear so strong it consumes all rational thinking overtakes every thought you have and you let out a small scream.

You push Javier away and stumble away from the chaos of people. You needed it to quiet down. You needed to find somewhere to think. You can hear Javier and Steve trying to talk to you, but you wave them away. You look down at the road. There are dozens and dozens of vehicles and hundreds of men. You hated this place. There was too much noise. Too much gunfire. Too many people. And so you start to run into the darkness. Just so it could quiet down. For one second. That's all you needed. Quiet.

You feel Javier grab your arm and yank you back. He grabs your face. He is speaking to you, but there is still so much gunfire and so many men screaming in pain you can't focus on any of the words he says. Your eyes frantically dart around his face before you try and pull away again. But he holds onto you. He covers your ears as he tries to pull you closer into his chest. You feel someone behind you and glanced behind to see Murphy hugging you from behind. You couldn't wiggle out of their grasp. So you just try to relax. You feel Javier breathing and focus on trying to match his, you lean your head against his chest and you can hear his heartbeat, and for a moment that is all you let your mind focus on. Finally, after several long minutes, you pull back and look at Javier.

"Hey," he says as he looks into your eyes. There is still so much chaos but you find yourself focused on him as he looks at you like you are the only thing that matters to him.

"Hey," you whisper back as you pull yourself against him again.

"Hey, I need you to look at me," you look up at him. Your eyes are filled with tears. Your nose is running, and you try and sniffle it away. You know you look pathetic, but you just don't care. "You're bleeding." He murmurs as he runs his fingers through your hair and across your chin.

"It - " You choke on your words. "It's not mine."

"Are you sure?" Javier runs his hand down your side, and you whimper as he presses slightly on your side. You look down and are surprised when he pulls his hand away and there is blood. You examine your shirt and see blood soaking through the fabric. Underneath there is a large wound bleeding quite a bit, but you can hardly feel it. You pull away from Javier and try and walk further away from all the noise. "Hey, you need to see a doctor. You're losing a lot of blood here."

"I can't feel it though." It's all you can say as you stare at the darkness outstretched in front of you. You try to walk a little further but Javier's hand is pressing hard on your side and you hiss in pain.

"I'm sorry. I know it hurts. But I need to stop the bleeding, okay?" You try to swat his hand away but he grabs it with his free hand and holds it in his hand tightly. He is pressing into your stomach hard and it hurts. You try and squirm away but his grip is too strong. "Steve, can you find a fucking doctor or something?"

After an hour of trying to convince you that you needed to go to the hospital and your refusal to leave the scene because you had a job to do and then another hour getting authorization from the Embassy the three of you were finally on the way to get ER.

Javier was holding you in the back seat pressing down on the wound, though your blood had started to clot by now and the bleeding didn't seem to be as bad. But you look sickly. You had barely been able to form words when he put you in his lap for the drive to the hospital and panic was starting to take over. The available doctors confirmed Javier's suspension that you had suffered a concussion. But they couldn't treat you there. Finally, when you passed out for the fourth time you relented and agreed to go with Javier, not that you had much of a choice as he was supporting most of your weight at that point.

"Hey, I need you to hold on, yeah? I really don't want to have to kick your ass for dying on me," Your eyes are flickering between open and shut. You smile at Javier after a moment as you finally comprehend his words.

"Yeah, I'd like to see you try, rat bastard," you whine as the pain in your side overtakes you. "Javi, please don't stop talking. I can't stay awake…please," there is fear in your voice that scares Javier. And so he starts talking as if your life depends on it.

And then Javier starts rambling. He doesn't know what he is saying but he keeps talking. He doesn't stop until he sees the hospital. Even then he keeps talking until they take you back where he is told he can't follow. Steve sits with Javier while you're in surgery. It feels like an eternity to both of them before a doctor emerges telling them that you will be just fine. A scar maybe, but you are going to make a full recovery.

When Javier goes back to see you and sighs in relief when he sees you sleeping form. He sits on the side of the bed and takes your hand. He kisses it gently. He knows you can't hear him. You are resting comfortably, happily sedated, and out of pain. And so he chooses right then to whisper those precious three words to you. He chooses that moment to let you know that he loves you more than anything else in the world. That no matter what there was no future for him without you in it. You were his everything and he knew that now more than ever. He confesses his love to you in the quietness of that hospital suite.

But you never hear him.

____♡____

August - 1992 - Colombia

The breakout of Pablo Escobar was the biggest public embarrassment any world government has ever faced and you were lucky enough to be in the middle of it. Since his escape from his own prison, it had been non-stop work. And then more work.

You had spent several days in the hospital recovering from your surgery. Your injury was nothing incredibly serious, but it was made worse because you had waited so long to treat it. You needed a blood transfusion which was unpleasant, to say the least. And the concussion was serious enough that you needed to see a doctor every two weeks for the next six months. Overall, it wasn't serious enough to keep you for a few days before being sent back to Bogotá.

To your surprise, The United States had decided to pour additional resources into this 'new threat'. Pablo Escobar's escape had caught enough public attention that it was deemed worthwhile to send some new resources down south to fight the war on drugs. You disagreed with the reasoning but you couldn't but feel some level of relief for having more to work with.

You were going to be overseeing all intelligence delivered between the United States and the Colombian government. You were in charge of making sure that all agencies were kept in the loop and connected to each other. You were the one who decided what information was the most important to send back home to be used for the US President during his daily briefings on the hunt for Escobar. It meant you would be spending a lot of time working with top Colombian officials and keeping tabs on everything the United States was doing in regards to Escobar.

You also hadn't spoken to Javier since you had exited the plane in Bogotá.

You couldn't decide if you were still furious at him for going behind your back and leaking the photos. Or if you were disappointed he didn't trust you enough to warn you. Or if you felt some strange betrayal for him not trusting that you could do your job and convince the President of the importance of the photos.

But you had convinced yourself that you didn't have time to focus on your relationship. Or lack thereof.

You had a job to do.

The President welcomed you into your new role. He liked you and trusted you, you think in part because you had expressed some rather liberal views in private conversations between the two of you. The Vice President was less enthusiastic about your new role, mostly because he was aware of your connection to the DEA, and he had less than favorable views of your two partners. You assured him that wouldn't be a problem.

To your surprise you were invited, on behalf of the Colombian government, to move into a house near the Palace that could provide you with security and transport. You knew it was in part because the Vice President didn't fully trust you and wanted to keep an eye on you, but you tried to think of it as a great honor. You were essentially becoming the second-highest-ranking American in Colombia. Unofficially, of course.

You humbly accepted.

Now you were quietly packing your essentials in small bins trying not to think about the conversation that needed to happen with your roommate. Javier hadn't exactly apologized for his role in leaking the photos, though you knew he did feel bad for the way things played out. And your resentment only grew as time went on. You felt like an idiot for trusting him with the photos. You felt foolish for trusting him to do the right thing. And all this made you feel even worse about the current state of your relationship. If Javier didn't trust you to do your job, what else didn't he trust you with? You had become distant from him. Once again building walls and retreating into yourself and running away from your feelings instead of confronting them head-on.

This awkwardness hadn't worn off. You had barely touched Javier since you had returned to Bogotá. Both of you were so consumed by work that neither of you could find the time, or was willing to find the time, to discuss what exactly was happening. But finally, just a little over two weeks after the prison escape, you are both home. You sit quietly on your bed looking at the door. You could hear the television playing softly and you knew Javier was likely watching some fútbol game he would pretend to care about. You knew you needed to get up and go out there. You knew that the conversation you had been rehearsing in your head needed to happen. Tonight.

But you couldn't get your feet to move you off the bed. You could feel the tears already stinging in your eyes. You had no idea how you were going to carry on an entire conversation without breaking down completely. Finally, you whisper 'fuck it' to yourself and push yourself out into the living space.

You were right. Javier is casually perched on the couch, drinking a beer, watching some fútbol game you know he doesn't care about - it's just a way for him to be distracted from his thoughts. You approach him cautiously. You can see him shift and lift his arm expectantly like he knows how badly you want to crawl up next to him like the practice routine it was. But instead, you sit on the other end of the couch and tuck your legs underneath you and face him with your arms crossed. This gets his attention enough to mute the game and look at you with a questioning look.

"Javier," you choke on his name and try your best to sound level headed. "We - uh - we really need to talk."

Now, this gets his full attention.

"I accepted the offer. I'm moving out." He looks completely caught off guard by this and scoots closer to you. You hold your hand up before he can speak. "I think it's best if we - no - oh my god, okay - listen, Javi," you are struggling to find the right words and so you rush through it. "There are some people who don't love how close we are, and I need to take that seriously. So, I'm going to call this off."

There is complete silence in the apartment.

"I am not understanding…." Javier looks at you with desperation in his eyes.

"Javi, I really care about you. But I can't be with you if it affects my job. I'm sorry. But that's a part of the deal we made."

"Fuck the rules! You know this isn't that anymore!"

"Yeah? And what exactly is this then?"

"Are you seriously asking me that? After two and half fucking years together you're asking me what this is?"

"Umm…" your confidence in being able to handle this without crying is gone. You feel the tears start to spill over. "I guess I am. Yes."

"Man, fuck this," he stands up. And starts to pace around the living area.

"Javier, I have to be able to do my job - "

"Then don't."

"What?"

"Don't do your job. Quit. You're overqualified to be here as it is. You hate it. Quit and then this," he motions between the two of you. "Won't be a problem anymore."

"Are you fucking joking right now?" You stand as you raise your voice in his direction. "You don't get to decide if I hate it here or not. And if you care so fucking much about me why don't you quit your job. Huh?"

"It's different. I need to - "

"No, it's not. It's not different and you fucking know it, you goddamn hypocrite," you hiss in his direction you glare at him. Your words are laced with venom as you look at him. "It's fine to admit that you care more about catching Escobar than you do about me, Javier. But I just don't feel like lying about it anymore."

"You can't possibly believe - "

"Of course I fucking believe that! You went behind my back! You _lied_ to my fucking face, Javi. You LIED. _To me._ Do you have any idea how much that hurt? Fuck! I looked like a fucking fool. I couldn't even get my boyfriend to listen to me. And every single person knows that."

"Hey," he approaches you, and hesitantly puts his hands on your shoulders. "No one thinks you're an idiot for what happened. You couldn't have known what would happen. No one did."

"Yeah, I know that," you wipe a tear away as Javier continues to stare at you intently.

"I need you to know something. This has never been just us fucking around. Never. Not once. For me at least. I think I'm ready to admit - " you don't want to hear what he has to say so you lean up and kiss him fiercely. You throw your arms around his neck and pull yourself as close as you can. Javier seems surprised by this gesture but leans into the kiss and begins to kiss you back in earnest.

"Agent Peña, please, I don't want to say you love me just to keep me from leaving again. I really don't want that."

"But I - " you put your finger to his lips and smile sadly.

"I know, Javi. Please, just not now. I...I can't do that. I can't hear that. I've made up my mind. I can't do this right now." He looks at you with such confusion and sadness that all you can think to do is lean up and kiss him gently on the tip of his nose. "But I know, Javier Peña. I know how you feel about me. Even if you are too stubborn to admit it."

He smiles at you sadly before pulling you in close to his chest.

"I really don't deserve you," you just stand there in his arms, knowing that this would likely be the last time you would allow yourself this level of intimacy with Javier Peña. The tears start to fall in earnest and you bury your head in his chest as you start to shake from the sobs. He holds you tighter as if he never wants to let you go. And a huge part of you doesn't want him to. But after a long time, your sobs start to soften and start to pull away. He holds on tighter.

"We're still...friends, right? I can't…..I can't lose you, Doc," he whispers into your hair as he presses kisses to your scalp. You pull back and take a step away from him as you wipe away your tears on the back of your hands. You put out your hand for a handshake and Javier looks at you questioning your actions.

"It's been a pleasure doing business with you Agent Peña. I enjoyed our arrangement a great deal," your voice cracks. You shake his hand vigorously. "Now we can go back to being just friends, right? Like we agreed?"

"Of course," he shakes your hand in return and grins - one that doesn't quite reach his eyes. "Just friends."

  
____♡____

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you wanna be involved in the shaping of this story, follow me on Tumblr @perropascal and vote in my polls!


	9. ocho - falling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You struggle to stick to your new arrangement with Javier.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it should be noted that I changed the timeline of events from the show so the things here are happening in a different order at different points in time than the show suggests. OOPS. (neither are historically accurate so... double oops)

____♡____

August - 1992 - Colombia

And so life took a turn into a new direction for everyone involved in the Escobar case. All operations were going to be headed out of the Medellín offices, and many of your colleagues, including Javier Peña, packed up and moved to the Colombian National Police headquarters. Your new job would require you to visit often, but you were to be housed closer to the President in order to more effectively communicate with him and all official lines of US diplomacy.

Javier was quick to pack up and move out to Medellín with Murphy in tow. The DEA and most CIA were to be housed out of the headquarters to properly coordinate with the Colombian police in Medellín. You were being left behind to deal with the 'politics' - at first, you didn't mind, but when you realized that almost everyone you knew was leaving you were suddenly very eager to visit Medellín as much as possible.

It had become awkward after your 'break-up', though promises were made that there were no hard feelings and everything was fine between the two of you. It quickly became obvious that this was not the case. Javier avoided being in the same space as you and avoided all forms of physical contact. You didn't want to mention how much it was hurting you to lose even a small part of his friendship - you hated that you had to lose any part of your relationship with Javier, but he knew that if he touched you if he was close to you, he wouldn't be able to resist the urge to touch you. He missed your body, and he didn't want to risk doing anything stupid to compromise you in your new position.

But he still tried his best to keep up appearances. He was doing his best not to show you how heartbroken he was over losing you. He kept running through all the ways in which he screwed this up. He couldn't believe that he had been able to hold onto you for as long as he had, and then still managed to mess it up. Every time he saw you he could physically feel the loss, so much so that he needed to leave the room.

And you always noticed. You noticed that he jumped at the first opportunity to leave any room you shared. You noticed that your phone calls were getting shorter. You noticed that all offers of seeing each other outside of work were revoked. You noticed how new feelings of loneliness were starting to creep in every night as you slept alone.

Your new house is so much larger than any other place you have ever lived. You had the luxury of multiple bathrooms and bedrooms - all with walk-in closets - something you couldn't believe people actually used. The master suite had a fireplace, something you thought only existed in movies. You had a large garden, with the greenest grass and most beautiful fruit trees. This house came complete with a small pool and hot tube, something you couldn't begin to think of ever using. It was much larger and grander than anything you could've expected. You were slightly overwhelmed by the level of luxury. It seemed a bit too much since it would be only you staying there, but the Colombian government insisted.

The biggest adjustment was the new 24-hour security detail that had been assigned to you. As an official representative of the Colombian government, you were granted a small security detail. You didn't think it was necessary, but because there was still technically a credible threat to your life, they insisted on it. During most days, you were followed by one or two men who introduced themselves in the morning and stayed out of your way throughout the day. Then they would switch, and the night swift would come and introduce themselves. It was a strange routine, and something you did not particularly enjoy, but it did give you some comfort to know someone was watching the house at night.

You did have a sneaking suspicion by the third week of this new routine that the men were reporting back to the vice president on your comings and goings. You had a feeling that he still didn't trust you and your connection to the DEA, and it was starting to frustrate you. But you decided to keep your head down and play along. The only real way to gain his trust would be to prove yourself.

It turns out living alone in such a large space for the first time in your life, and doing it completely alone, meant more often than not you found yourself fighting the overwhelming sense of loneliness.

One evening you are jogging along the sidewalk of your neighborhood. You insisted on exercising every day and your bodyguards hated you for it. But you allowed them to follow along in the car if they chose to, and this afternoon they had stopped some ways back at the local cafe. You rolled your eyes. It wasn't that you didn't feel safe, you did. You were in a secure neighborhood that had enough of a police presence to scare away any narcos. But the strange thought of what Javier Peña would do if he found out you were running along a Colombian street alone as dusk crept into your head. You half-smile, half-cringe at the thought of what he would say to your security detail. You again have the crushing realization of how much you miss Javier.

At that exact moment, you glanced down to find a tabby cat crawling around your ankles, purring up at you. You looked around the abandoned street. You reach down and gently pet the cat. It appeared skittish for a moment before you slowly reached out your hand and showed it you meant no harm. After several moments of you gently petting it, you reached out and picked it up. It barely protested as you spoke quietly to it.

"Do you have a home, little guy?"

You look around the street. There were only one or two houses along here. And this cat felt much much too skinny to have eaten regularly. You look around one more time and make a decision, turning back towards your new house.

____♡____

You see Javier awkwardly opening the front door glancing around. You can see he is also taken aback by how nice of a house it is and you can't help but grin.

"I know you're jealous, so I'll try not to rub it in Javi," he looks up to see you smiling at him.

Mittens comes bounding out from the kitchen and bounces around your legs, letting out a small meow. Javier looks bewildered by the small cat before looking to you with a bemused expression.

"A new friend?" You smile and bend down to pick up Mittens walking over to Javier to introduce him. His aversion to cats, animals in general really, was always something you found amusing. You lift Mittens so he is eye level with Javier.

"Mittens, this is Javier. He's a friend of mine." You press Mitten's tiny face against Javier's cheek, and you see him cringe at the contact as Mittens turns and begins to lick the tip of Javier's nose. "He's a grumpy old man who will pretend not to care about you. But secretly, so secretly he'll never say it, he loves you."

"That's how you're going to introduce me to the cat?"

"His name is Mittens. And he has a right to know how you're going to treat him."

"And you are referring to how I am going to treat your cat? That wasn't about anything else?" He cocks his eyebrows at you as you pull Mittens back into your chest and kiss his tiny tabby head.

"Obviously. Unless you think I am trying to imply something else, Peña?"

"I know you would be honest with me, Doc. Not like you've ever hid anything before." You chuckle at this as you set Mittens down, and he immediately begins to rub himself on Javier’s legs asking for his attention. You can see Javier is less than thrilled about the tiny creature's close proximity but doesn't say anything.

"I assume you are here on business," you motion for him to follow you into the kitchen. Javier carefully treads around Mittens as he follows you, paying close attention not to step on the cat that was completely enthralled with the new visitor. You couldn't blame Mittens for wanting Javier's attention, he looked particularly good this evening, something you were sure was intentional on his part.

"Yes, I'm here because they are sending a new Head of the DEA."

You stop at the small bar set up beside the kitchen. You hadn't used it since your move. It had been set up for you in your new home and since you didn't get much of a say in the furnishings of the home they had stocked it to the brim with expensive alcohol, not that you were going to complain - this house was incredible, despite its lack of any personal touches. You grab a bottle of what you believe is whiskey and pour it into a small glass and hand it to Javier.

"Okay. And what exactly has that got to do with me?"

"I wanted to know if you had any more information on…..them?" The way Javier stumbles over the end of that sentence makes you perk up. You smile at him curiously. He came over here because he wanted to know if you knew about the woman they were sending down here.

"You came to me because I'm a woman," you state, blankly.

"What, no! I mean I thought maybe - "

"That all women in this profession know each other?" You turn your back to him and head to the fridge for a drink. "God, you're such an asshole, Javier."

"You know I didn't mean it like that, hermosa," Javier says. "I am much too afraid of you to even suggest such a thing."

"Yeah I know, Peña. I'm messing with you." You smile and wink at him as you open the fridge. The entire top shelf is dedicated to your Dr. Peppers. You grab a bottle of Dr. Pepper and before really thinking about it, you hand it to Javier. He does the usual as he taps it to the countertop with practiced ease, and the top pops off and he hands it back. "Because I do know her. And you're fucked."

"You didn't think to warn me?"

"Not much you can do is there? You won't like her, and she won't like you."

"Are you sure about that? I can be quite charming."

"Hardly Jav, and yes. Messina is a hard ass. Everything is by the book. Her way. No slips-up. Your charm isn't going to be enough to win her over."

"Well, you're the same and I charmed the pants off you, didn't I?"

"Pretty sure it was the other way around, pal." You roll your eyes at him as you take a long sip of your Dr. Pepper. You smile at Javier as he leans against the counter and stares at you. You know he wants more information from you but you aren't going to give in to him so easily.

"So…. how do you suggest we handle this?" Javier asks.

"I suggest you and Murph keep your heads low and do as you're told for a while. At least until you earn her trust. I won't be able to bail you guys out of trouble. Not anymore."

"Who says we are going to get into trouble?"

"Javi, things are different now." You set your drink down and walk around to stand in front of him. You casually rest your hands on his chest as he takes another sip of his whiskey. "The Colombian government isn't going to let you do whatever you want. You are going to be reporting to them. And they are going to sideline you."

Javier sets his drink down and looks down at you with a hungry expression. His hands make their way down your sides and grab your ass firmly. You gasp a little as he lifts you up placing you gently on the kitchen island. You giggle as you lean up and kiss the tip of his nose and wrap your arms around his neck. He stands between your legs as he rests his forehead on yours gently. He sees you glance down at his lips, and you want to slap the knowing smirk that arrives on his face. He leans down and kisses you down your jaw and neck before biting right at the sweet spot above your collarbone. You let out a moan and pull at the back of his hair so that he is looking you in the eye.

"No."

"Can't I at least kiss you?" He whispers as he runs his nose along your jaw.

"No, Javi. We can't do this. We both know once we start…." your words trail off as he nips on your earlobe, and you lean back as you arch your back. You unintentionally rub yourself on Javier's thigh and instantly curse yourself. Just the briefest contact from him down there, and you were done for. You know there is no point now in trying to hold back now, so you grab his face in both hands and look at him. "You better make me fucking regret this in the morning."

He just grins at you as he pushes you back onto the counter lightly. Your head hits the marble countertops as Javier's hands reach up and pull at the hem of your sweatpants. You feel his hands trailing along your exposed skin as he tosses them aside. You hear him laugh as he reaches under your ass and starts pulling off your thong pressing a few delicate kisses along your waist and thighs.

"What are you laughing at?" you say as you prop yourself up on your elbow.

"I've never seen you in one of these before," he holds up the thong and takes a sniff. "It's almost like you were dressed to impress someone. God, you're amazing."

"I've worn a thong before you loon," you playfully reach up to grab them back but he jerks his hand away and tucks them in his shirt pocket. You giggle at how mischievous Javier is making this. You see that glint in his eye as he takes in your half-naked form and it sends an ache straight to your core. You grab him by the back of the head and pull him toward you crashing your lips into his. You needed to kiss him. You needed to taste him. It wasn't until this moment that you realized how much you missed Javier. You missed him as a friend, but you really missed him as a lover. And so you kiss him and continue to pull him on top of you needing him closer, needing him to feel every part of him right now.

He awkwardly climbs up on the countertop so he is straddling you. But you don't stop kissing. The two of you never break apart. As you feel him make his way on top of you, you can feel an overwhelming sense of sadness.

You loved Javier Peña more than you could stand. And you knew deep down under everything, Javier loved you too. And it hurt to know that for whatever reason the two of you couldn't seem to put aside your stubbornness, put aside your pride and put aside everything else that stood in the way of the two of you truly being able to be together. Javier was far too intertwined in this investigation to give it up and you had sacrificed too much to just give up your career and everything you had worked so hard for. But you loved him. You loved him so much that right now with him kissing you it felt like nothing else mattered. It felt like the only thing in the world that could ever matter again was being with him. So tears start to form at the corner of your eyes. And soon you are crying without even realizing it, but of course, Javier notices. He pulls back and gently rubs away the tears on your cheeks.

"Am I hurting you?" he whispers

"No, please I don't want you to stop," you whimper up at him as you try and bring his lips back to yours but he pulls back when he sees that you are really crying. You try and hide your face in the palm of his hand feeling embarrassed.

"Hey. Hey, chiquita, what's wrong?"

"Please stay with me," you whisper in the darkness. "Please stay here with me tonight."

"Are you sure that's a good idea? Will you….will there be consequences?"

"I don't care, Javier Peña. Right now, all that matters to me in this world is you." He leans down and presses his forehead to yours. You can tell that a million thoughts are running through his head. You know it's a bad idea. You know that there is a security detail right outside that will likely report. You know that your connection to Javier makes your job harder, and it makes people doubt you. You know all these things. But right now all you can think of is how much you love him.

"Please Javi, don't make me beg."

There is a long pause before he starts to kiss along your neck. you can feel his hands working their way up your waist pulling at your shirt. You sit up to pull the garment off, leaving you on the countertop in nothing but your bra.

"Would you like me to make you beg for something?" he whispers into your neck as leans down and nips along the top of your breasts.

"Please, Javi. I still need to show you the bedroom."

"Oh no, I think I'd like to have a taste of you in this kitchen."

____♡____

There is a knock on the door. It's late, and you are in a bad mood. You plan on telling whoever it is to fuck off until you've had at least eight hours of rest. So when you look out the window and see a crying Connie Murphy holding Olivia standing on your doorstep, you sigh and open the door. You weren't going to turn her and her daughter away.

"I'm - I'm so sorry. I didn't know where else to turn," she sobs at you, and you take her free hand and help her inside. She has a small bag and Olivia's car seat. You grab the stuff and lead her in. She hadn't been here yet, and you can see that she is blown away at the size of your new living arrangements. You don't say anything as you lead them both to the living room. You run to the kitchen and grab two glasses of water - you don't know if babies drink water from a glass so you decide to offer to be polite.

After Connie had composed herself, and Olivia is happily occupied on the floor with a few toys, she turns to you and places a hand on your knee.

"I am so sorry to barge in like this. Uninvited. But I don't have anywhere else to turn," her voice cracks. You take her hand in yours and squeeze it tightly.

"There is no need to apologize, Connie. You are always welcome here. Do….do you want to tell me what's going on?"

"I - " she begins to tear up again. You squeeze her hand and wait as she takes her time in finding the right words. "I don't think it's safe here anymore. For Olivia. With Steve."

You're shocked by this. You weren't as close as maybe you should be with Connie, but she had never mentioned feelings of discontent. You had always looked at Steve and Connie as the adorably happy couple you wished you could be with your significant other someday.

"Connie, I - well - I don't know what to say," you confess.

"You don't need to say anything. I just needed to - I don't know….." she takes a deep breath and looks at you. "We are supposed to go with Steve tomorrow in Medellín. But I really don't want to. I think there are things he isn't telling me. I think this is more dangerous than he is letting on. And I'm scared," she sobs out in a hysterical mess. She collapses forward in your arms and begins to cry. You are surprised by the action but quietly pat her on the back as she cries on your shoulder. You didn't know what to do. Steve was your friend, and you loved him dearly, and you didn't like the idea of meddling in his relationship. But you also couldn't stand the idea of lying to Connie. It was dangerous here. It would be even more dangerous in Medellín. You sit there contemplating for a long time while Connie composes herself. She sits back up and looks at you.

"I know I shouldn't be imposing, I just, I feel lost. I just want what's best for my daughter."

"Connie, I don't want to pretend I know what it's like to be a parent," you look down a little Olivia playing happily on the floor - completely unaware of her mother's panic. "All I can say is that things here are not going to get better overnight. It's going to take….time for things to return to normal again."

This was not what she wanted to hear. She just slowly shakes her head as more tears begin to form.

"I just can't risk her safety," she whispers as you both stare at Olivia. "Can you promise she will be safe if…. we stay? Can you promise me, like Steve can?"

Your breath hitches in your throat. You don't know what to say as you glance up at her. She is clearly worried about the safety of her child, and you couldn't in good faith lie to her. She had become a good friend and you cared for her deeply. You look between her and Olivia and bite your lip. You felt conflicted between the loyalty to your partner, Steve, and wanting to be truthful to your friend, Connie.

"Connie….." you put both your hands on top of hers. "I don't think it is my place to say how you should raise your child."

"But I am asking you, as a friend, would you stay here with your child?"

"Connie, I don't feel comfortable telling you yes or no because I cannot imagine being a parent. I don't plan on ever being a parent. So I don't think I am the right person to help you decide."

"But...you're the only person I trust. You're much smarter than Steve. Much more level headed. You know what's going on. You work with the President for God's sake! Please, as your friend, as my only friend, will Olivia be safe if I go to Medellín with him?"

You let out a long slow breath. You see tears starting to form in Connie's eyes because you know she already knows the answer. You know she didn't come here without knowing what you would say. She came here to be reassured that she was making the right decision.

"No one can guarantee your safety anywhere, Connie. No matter where you are. But especially right now, no, I don't think being in Medellín is the best option for you. Or Olivia." She only nodded as she tried to hold back the tears. You scoot over and wrap your arms around her. "Whatever you decide, you are a great mother. I wish I had someone who cared half as much as you do for your little girl."

At this, she begins to fully sob into your shoulder. You don't say anything more, just gently rub her back for comfort. You look over to see Olivia beginning to fuss after several minutes and reaching for her mother. Olivia lets out a tiny cry, and Connie lets you go and wipes her face.

"I'm so sorry to do this. Really, we should be going."

"Don't be crazy Connie. It's late. I know Steve is already in Medellín. Sleep here. You will feel safer. I have security guards and everything."

"I couldn't possibly - "

"I wasn't asking. Plus you need to meet Mittens." She doesn't say anything just throws her arms around you and pulls you in for a tight hug. You hug her back. She pulls away and reaches down for Olivia and then pulls you in for another hug with the baby wedged between the two of you.

"You are a good person and a great friend. Thank you," Connie whispers. You don't say anything to this, you just hug her and her daughter a little closer feeling grateful.

____♡____

You feel Javier grab your arm. You're surprised by the gesture so you turn and look at him startled. The meeting was quick and painless. It was clear that the new ambassador and new DEA head were not interested in the way things had been done around here and were looking for things to change.

"I need you to do something for me. Please."

"What's up, Javi?"

"It's Steve. He isn't…. well. Can you….use your magic touch? Slap some sense into him?"

"Javi, he's a grown man. He needed to be here today. I don't care what heartbreak he is going through, we all look incompetent when one of us fucks up this badly," you turn to leave and Javier grabs your arm again so you are forced to look at his angry expression

"Jesus, his wife left him. Show him some sympathy. You of all people should feel bad."

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" You yank your arm away from him.

"It means Steve's a friend. This isn't about work. So help your friend out."

You look up at Javier and you can see the same worry he usually only reserves for you. A look you know he only reserves for the people he cares about most. So you shrug him off and agree to make your way to the apartment as soon as you have a moment.

You knock on the door anxiously. You hear a stumbling from behind and it swings open to reveal a drunken, smelly, confused-looking Murphy.

“Jesus, Murphy, what the fuck?” You say as you move past him into the apartment. It is nothing short of a complete wreck. The lighting is dim, but you can see the trash scattered everywhere - take out containers mixed with bottles, mixed with half-smoked cigarettes.

“Javier sent you,” he states as he stumbles back into the apartment. He doesn't even acknowledge the mess. He makes his way into the kitchen, grabs a beer from the fridge, and opens it before he hands it to you. You take it briefly looking at him disgusted, but also worried.

“Have you eaten?” You set the beer down and look straight at him.

“What are you, my wife?” He laughs at his own joke, but there is a pain behind the laugh that makes you wince a little. You didn't want to admit that there was a large part of you that felt guilty when Connie left for Miami, she had stayed at your house the night before and you had told her your thoughts on the safety in Medellín. You weren't sure if Steve was aware of the conversation you had with Connie, but you would rather not bring it up and find out.

“Go take a shower. I’ll clean up and make you something to eat. And don’t fucking argue with me. I don’t have time for this shit,” you bark at him. He looks at you through his drunken eyes, and you can see he is debating saying something.

“Go, you asshole!” You yell loudly, and he stumbles his way into the bathroom.

You are able to make a small thing of rice, mixed with veggies and some toast. There wasn’t a lot of choice in what you could make and you decide to make a list of a few things for Javier to drop off at some point when Murphy emerges from the bathroom looking slightly more put together. You had managed to get the apartment looking at least somewhat cleaner, collecting the trash and doing the dishes. You set the food down without saying anything, and you hear him mutter a thank you. You can see he is looking at you as you are finishing tidying up the rest of his stuff.

“Peña said you were a neat freak,” he comments.

“Oh yeah, what else did you two gossip whores say about me?”

“Nothing,” there is a long moment of silence as you gather the final bits of trash. Finally, you come and sit down across from your friend. You give him a long and knowing look before reaching across and taking his hand.

“I’m sorry, Steve. I really am.”

“Ah, don’t act sorry for me. I know you think what she did was right.” He looks at you, and you shake your head wanting to protest. “What with your ethics degrees and shit.”

“Yeah sure, I am doing a great job applying all my ethics here,” you laugh and throw him a sad smile.

“Speaking of ethics,” he says as he looks directly at you. “How long you been fucking Javier?”

You know that you do nothing to disguise your surprise at his words. And you know that your reaction tells him everything he needs to know. You just sit in stunned silence for a beat longer than normal.

“I - um - I am not sure - ” Steve raises his hand to stop you.

“It’s just us, Doctor. And I know you wouldn’t lie to a federal agent.”

“Ah, that’s where you're wrong Murphy. I would lie to a federal agent. But I would never lie to a friend.”

He just looks at you with a questioning look, knowing the weight that your words hold.

“It’s been - we’ve been on the - it’s not anything...you aren’t planning on telling anyone else?” you finally stammer out.

“No, because I am not going to snitch on my friends, but I would advise the both of you to tread carefully.”

“Says the agent who just got arrested.”

“Yeah, so learn from my mistakes,” he looks at you with a smile. “You may know him better than me at this point, and you still like him."

You don't say anything as you look at Steve. His eyes are still glassy from the alcohol. You can see the sadness behind his eyes as he looks between his half-eaten dinner and the window.

"Connie kept saying that there was this spark between the two of you. I gotta admit there are times when I can see what she's talking about. Do you love him?”

“I think that’s enough drunken confessions for one night,” you stand quickly. You feel Steve grab your wrist and you look down at his sad form.

"He's a better man when you're around. He knows it too. Hell, I think you know it. You made him better." You open your mouth to say something but can see tears forming in Steve's eyes. "Connie made me better," he looks up at you and frowns. "Don't fuck up whatever it is you guys have. Cause I know Javi is terrified of losing you too."

You don't reply as you gather your things. You're trying to dwell on what he just said. You want to focus on your friend and his feelings. But how could you ignore something like that? From Steve? Steve - who was probably Javier's closest friend, besides yourself. Steve - whom Javier trusted more than anyone else in Colombia. You were beginning to think that Javier may have discussed your relationship with Steve, which was so out of character, that you had to wonder what would have possessed him to do such a thing.

“Sober up. And don’t make me come back here, or so help me, Steve, it won’t be pretty.”

He throws his hands up in surrender as you turn to leave.

"And I really am sorry, Steve. Maybe this is the kick we need to finally catch him. Yeah?" You can hear a little chuckle as he turns to look at you.

"Yeah, Doc, this was the kick in the ass I needed. Let's catch the bastard."

____♡____

October - 1992 - Colombia

You didn't know you were on the way to Medellín until you were walking towards the helicopter. You didn't have time to tell your partners that you would be there this evening. So when you show up to CNP headquarters expecting to find Javier and he isn't there to greet you, you feel a pang of intense sadness. You try and casually ask where you might find Agent Pena, and after a few snarky remarks from the officers about being 'out' you get the picture.

Suddenly, you wish you hadn't gotten on the helicopter.

When Murphy finds you chain-smoking near an open window in a nearly abandoned part of the building, he doesn't say anything he just pulls up a chair and starts smoking alongside you. You aren't sure how long you sit there staring out the window with the radio crackling the background. Finally, you feel a hand on your shoulder and you look up to see Murphy guiding you towards your room.

"Come on Doc, last time I checked you need to sleep just like the rest of us."

You don't reply as you nod and take his hand and numbly strat to follow him down the hall. As if God thought this situation was a joke right as you turn the corner a flustered-looking Javier is sneaking in one of the backdoors - Shirt untucked and hair unkempt. A wave of anger and jealousy you had never experienced before starts to crawl under your skin and you feel tears stinging your eyes. You can hear Steve take a sharp inhale when he sees Javier which causes Javier to look up and see the two of you staring at him.

Javier looks up at the sound and stops dead when he sees you. The only way to describe the expression on Javier's face is one of utter shock and bewilderment. He doesn't say anything as he stands up straight and nods in your direction, trying to tame his curls, clearly realizing that you had put two and two together.

"I am….going to…." Steve doesn't finish his sentence as he pushes past you and looks between the two of you. "I think you two might - uh - have to talk…" He pats you gently on the back and nods as he retreats down the hall away from their shared room.

"Hi, I wasn't expecting you here today," Javier awkwardly waves you into their room. It looks like a college dorm and it smells like one too and you roll your eyes.

"Clearly," you state. The disorder of the room only adds to the anxiety you feel creeping into your chest. Usually when you felt this way you would call Javier. He was the only one who knew what to say that could help calm you down, he was the only one that could make the panic go away. But right now he was the one causing the panic and you didn't know what to do. He can see in your eyes the rising panic and his heart breaks because he knows he caused it. He wants to grab you and pull you into him and never let go, but he knows you would reject him. And for good reason.

"I just want to make sure that we are both being clear, we - this," Javier awkwardly runs his tongue along his bottom lip as he motions between you and him. "Us. Isn't a thing anymore."

"The last time I checked, Agent Peña, we were never a thing."

"Yeah, yeah I know all that. But I want to make sure that - we are….allowed to…..pursue other options."

You purse your lips at him and cross your arms. You weren't angry at him. How could you be? You were the one who had insisted on calling off whatever it was the two of you had been doing. You were the one who insisted that you weren't in a relationship. But somehow standing here with him, knowing he had just been with another woman, knowing that he had done some of the things he used to do to you with her, knowing that it wasn't your name he was saying made you want to slap him across the face.

"We aren't together, Peña. We are just friends," it's the way that you say it that makes it clear you don't mean it. It comes across as bitter and you don't know why.

"Chiquita - "

"Don't fucking call me that," you snap and you take a step back from and the anger in your chest explodes.

"How is this MY fault?"

"Fuck you, Javi!" You practically scream at him. "You fucking - I -I can't even believe."

You are taking gasping breaths as you try and get the words out. But then the anger disappears and you feel the sadness start to consume you. This was not his fault. You knew he was a man with needs. And you had made it clear where the two of you stood.

All you can do is try and grasp the wall as you begin to sob. You try and stammer out an apology and an excuse to leave but Javier's hand stops you.

"Hey, don't leave it like this."

You look at him and you can see the sadness behind his own eyes and on instinct, you reach out to comfort him. He pulls you in for a hug and you sob into his chest. You stand there, in Javier's arms, for a long time, until your tears have dried and your breathing has calmed. You pull back and look at him and smirk.

"Was she hot?" you punch his shoulder playfully.

"It's hard to look at another woman when I have already seen the world's most perfect ass." Javier reaches down and squeezes your ass hard and you giggle at the sensation. He leaves his hands there as he pulls you a little closer.

"You just wanted to touch my ass."

"Yeah, you caught me."

"Hey, Javi?" He hums in response as you tuck your head into his chest. "I want….we promised. Friends no matter what. Can we go back to that? Best friends?"

"You never stopped being my best friend and you'll always be my best friend. You know that."

"Okay," you smile as he wraps his arms around you in a warm hug. "And Javi?"

"Yeah?"

"Next time, I expect you to tell me when you are fucking someone else. Because obviously, I need details."

He chuckles at this as he places a kiss on the top of your head.

"Of course. Anything for you, Chiquita."

  
____♡____

December - 1992 - Washington, D.C

The constant wear of your job was beginning to take a true toll on you. Now that you spent most of your nights alone, you found yourself needing to drown out the constant attack of thoughts and nightmares that replayed. You had nothing to occupy your mind, no one to occupy your time, and you could feel yourself starting to slip.

Javier was struggling just as much as you. But his stubbornness prevented him from admitting as much. He wanted to call you every chance he could. He could tell from your very brief encounters that you were not well. And from the few conversations that he could manage with you, you sounded awful. You had admitted to not sleeping and you had given up exercising so Javier worried constantly about you.

Tonight he was staring at the ceiling of your old apartment. You were back stateside again, attending some major fundraising event. It was all political and pointless in Javier's opinion. You had been correct - you were being pawned off every chance the CIA got. They were proudly broadcasting your work here in Colombia to show just how much a woman could achieve these days. Javier couldn't believe the most intelligent and talented individual he had ever met was being boiled down to just your gender and nothing more. You were so much more than 'just a woman in the workplace' and it infuriated him to watch you put up with this bullshit just because you believed you needed to in order to advance your career.

He still was at a loss for what to do about you. Javier knew the reputation that followed him. But now that he had tasted what it was like to be with another person, to really be with them and to know them - to love them - he couldn't imagine going back to his rouge bachelor lifestyle. But that didn't mean he wasn't a man without needs. And it was often now that he needed to forget about the day's events. He needed that release. And so when Gabby had wandered into his life, he had taken full advantage. But once you had caught onto the nature of his relationship with her, it hadn't been the same. Every time he had seen Gabby since all he could think of was you. How you felt about him sleeping with another woman. Were you jealous? Or had you really accepted the end of your relationship? Just like that?

As he sits staring at the ceiling Javier tries to picture the moment he fell in love with you. The moment he knew that there would never be another woman like you in his life as long as he lived. He has the image of you one afternoon on the beach in the tiny bikini he had picked out for you as you tried to protect your sandcastle from the rising tide when the phone rings. And Javier is startled out of his thoughts about that perfect moment.

"Peña."

"You didn't tell me you were in Bogotá." Your voice chimes in over the phone, and Javier smiles.

"Are you keeping track of me, Doc?"

"Pretty sure it's part of my job description."

"It's a little late there, isn't it?"

"I had a…...meeting," you stammer out. Javier doesn't answer. He figures you will start into one of your normal tirades about how much you hated the politics. But you remain silent.

"Did you call to tell me you had a meeting run late?" Javier asks as he leans himself back down onto the bed. Again you are silent. Javier can hear you breathing heavily on the other side. "Hey Chiquita, are you okay?"

"I slept with someone!" You shout through the phone. It's Javier's turn to be quiet as you muffle a sob into the receiver. There are a few long moments of silence where neither of you says anything, and you can hear the shuffling on the other end and the click of his lighter. You don't want to be the one to break the silence, but it is killing you. So you quietly bring the phone a little closer and whisper, "Javi, please say something."

"Doc, why are you upset? You are free to sleep with other people."

"No, I know that it's just - I don't think I can, Javi."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean….you're it, Javier. You're the only person. For me at least."

There is a long pause after you say this. Neither of you wants to acknowledge the unspoken words hanging in the air - so neither of you do. You let them hang there, desperately pleading that one of you grab them, and finally acknowledge their persistent presence. But neither of you do. And so the silence grows. You shift uncomfortably on the bed as you listen to the slow exhale of Javier's breath. You picture him there in your little apartment and smile.

"Colleague?" Javier finally breaks the silence in a disinterested tone.

"Actually...it was a senator," you cringe.

"Well I will be damned, Doc. He must've been something for you to compromise your standards that much."

"No, he wasn't actually. He was boring."

"Next you're going to say he was a Republican."

"Well…." you mutter through the phone. Javier almost spits out his drink at this making a terrible noise through the receiver. "Oh shut up. I already feel stupid enough as it is, Peña. He was from Texas, actually."

"You have to be shitting me? You went to one of those fancy events, in one of your fancy dresses - and you took home a Senator from Texas. Come on, chiquita, I taught you better than that."

"Apparently, all you taught me was how to fancy men from Texas."

"Did he…..satisfy you, at least?"

"Obviously not, Peña. Why the fuck do you think I am calling you?"

"Oh," he chuckles. "Well, I'm happy to offer my services. Though I do need to charge extra around the holidays. I'm sure you understand. I have a family to feed."

"Shut up and fuck me through the phone, viejo."

____♡____

Christmas Day - 1992 - Colombia

The Christmas season came and went. You were invited to spend it with several other American agents who were all stuck in Bogotá and planning some big event. You made a vague excuse of already having plans, which was a lie. And on Christmas morning you stared at your phone for an hour before grabbing your overnight bag and heading to the airport.

The airport wasn't bustling as it usually is, and so you were able to navigate your way to Medellín without incidence. You pulled up to the police headquarters late in the evening as the sun was setting. You could hear the chorus of laughter coming from inside, but you didn't follow it. You knew where he'd be on a night like tonight. So you make your way quietly to the field overlooking a part of the city where you see a lone figure sitting and smoking with a half-empty bottle of whiskey by his side. You don't say anything as you walk up behind him.

"Thanks for the offer, but I am good on my own, thanks." Javier doesn't turn to look at you as he waves his hand in your direction.

"So if my offer was sex...you'd turn me down?" The startled jump of Javier’s figure when he hears your voice makes you giggle. He looks at you in disbelief before a huge grin breaks out on his features. He reaches out for you and wraps his arms around your legs.

"What's a girl like you doing out here?"

"I was looking for my date tonight, but I think he may be busy," you grin at him as you sit down next to him and wrap your arm around his, pulling yourself into his shoulder. You feel him press a soft kiss on the top of your head.

"Merry Christmas, hermosa," Javier whispers. You don't reply as you pull back and look into his eyes. He looks less stressed than he usually does, the crinkles next to his eyes are less noticeable. He looks so handsome in this light you reach over and kiss the tip of his nose.

"Feliz Navidad, Peña," you murmur. The two of you sit there in comfortable silence for a long time. Javier quietly smokes a few cigarettes as you mindlessly play with Javier's hands and lean on his shoulder. It's nice, being here with him. You feel so comfortable. So content. You don't feel the pressures of your job weighing you down. All you feel is the happiness that comes from being in the presence of someone who knows you and still adores you. After a long while, you reach around and pull your purse onto your lap.

"I know we said no gifts," you smile at him as you reach into your purse and pull out a simple black box with a tiny bow on it, "but I did get something."

You hand him the box, and he looks at you with a very annoyed expression.

"We said no gifts this year."

"Yeah, and then last week in D.C I saw this and thought of you and how much I would like it on you. So fuck you."

Javier smirks at you as he takes the box and gently unwraps it, revealing a simple silver Cartier watch. Javier examines the watch. You scoot closer to him and loop your arm through his and lean your head on his shoulder. You run your hand over his hand that is holding the watch and whisper, "It's engraved. On the back."

"To my favorite pain in the ass," Javier slowly turns the watch over in his hand and smiles as he runs his fingers over the tiny engraving. "Very romantic." You laugh at him as he starts to put the watch on.

"It's not supposed to be romantic, it's supposed to be true," you giggle as you bury your head into his shoulder. You always forget how strong he feels. How right it feels to snuggle up next to him. "You are my favorite pain in the ass, Javier Peña. And I promise that you always will be."

You feel him lean down and kiss the top of your head. You pull back from his shoulder and look at him. He is looking at you with soft eyes and a small smile. But you can see there is a sadness behind them, and you know what he is feeling because you feel the same way. You want him. You want him back. Not as a friend. You want every part of him. You glance down at his lips and you pull yourself much closer as you lace your fingers through his hair. Javier closes his eyes and leans into your touch as you pull yourself closer.

"Javi," you whisper against his lips. "Can I kiss you?"

"Chiquita, please" he grabs the hand you had on his chest and pushes you away a little. "This isn't a good idea."

"What? You don't like me anymore, Agent Peña?" You smirk at him sadly as you bite your lip, something you know he finds endearing.

"No," he huffs. "It's the opposite of that. And you know that. That's why you're acting cute."

"I have no idea what you mean, Agent Peña," You smile at him as you wrinkle your nose and stare innocently up at him through your lashes.

"I think you do," he leans over so his lips are ghosting over yours. "I can't promise if I start kissing you again, that I'll be able to stop." You aren't sure what made you throw caution to the wind at the moment. It might have been the growing ache between your legs that Javier always caused. It may have been that you were drunk off the idea of not being alone on Christmas. But you know it's mostly because you're still hopelessly in love with Javier Peña.

"Then don't stop," you smile. Javier grins down at you before crashing his lips against yours. He wraps his arms around your waist and you pull yourself into his lap. You kiss him feverishly like you had never kissed him before. You run your hands up along his chest and grasp the collar of his shirt tightly.

"Should we go somewhere more private?" you ask breathlessly as Javier starts to pull at the hem of your shirt. You feel his fingers dip just below your waistband and trace along your hips.

"Why?" he asks as he continues to nip along your neck.

"You know, you're right, Pena," you say in between kisses as you start to unbutton his shirt. "Why don't you fuck me so all those men in there know just who I belong with." He pulls back and looks at you with a bemused expression - it's a mixture of amusement, concern, and lust. He doesn't say anything as you bite your lip and smile at his expression.

"Maybe I should," he slowly kisses your lips before moving down to your chin. He gently and slowly, so slowly it hurts, kisses along your throat and you let out a whimper. "Maybe it's time I let people know."

____♡____

New Year's Eve - 1992 - Colorado

You stare out the window at the darkening sky. The radio is playing softly as you see the lights beginning to twinkle in the distance. You really can't believe you are returning here. To your home town.

You feel a light squeeze on your thigh and smile as you put your hand on top of Javier's. At least you wouldn't be doing it alone this time. Javier had graciously agreed to accompany you home for the New Year to help your sister pack and move into her new home in the 'big city'. She had accepted a job offer in Denver starting just after the first of the year. So she was packing up her small studio from your hometown and making the move. You were exceptionally nervous. Kelly had been sober for over a year now. But the fear she may relapse because of the stress of changing cities or the stress of a new job weighs on you heavily.

"So, are you going to show me all the hot spots in town?" Javier looks at you as the first coal mine becomes clear on the horizon.

"I wouldn't know any better than you," you look at him before turning to gaze out the window. You can feel him stroking your leg, and you grab his hand. "Stop! I told you to not tempt me on this trip, Javier."

"Am I not allowed to comfort a friend?"

"Not when that _friend_ knows what your hands are capable of."

"Right." You can hear the sarcasm dripping out of his voice. "Since we are just friends again...what are the sleeping arrangements going to be?"

You roll your eyes at him making sure he sees your disgust.

"We can share a room and not fuck. Honestly, Javier, you'd think I am your only female friend."

"You are my only friend."

You only hum in response to this and continue to stare out the window. You hated being back in your hometown. Part of the reason you had invited Javier was because you didn't think you could handle being here without some form of support. You had made it clear that your escapades over Christmas were a one-time thing. That was the last time. Never again.

And Javier had agreed. That was an accident. A one-time thing that wouldn't happen again.

Pueblo, Colorado. You couldn't think of a single positive thing to say about this place. You can see the coal mines coming into full view and you shudder. You can see Javier glance at you out of the corner of your eye. You had asked him on a whim to come with you over New Years' to help your sister with her big move. He had excitedly agreed. It was a quick three-day trip. Just to help her move. Javier wouldn't admit it, but he was surprised when you asked him to come. He was relieved that you still felt comfortable enough, that you still trusted him enough to allow him to be a part of the most intimate parts of your life. Something he knew you guarded from nearly everyone else.

You were a bit nervous for him to meet your sister, he was the first boyfriend you had ever introduced to her, even though he wasn't currently your boyfriend. Your sister had been very interested to know that the two of you were on a break. She had developed quite the crush on Javier through their brief conversations on the phone and what little information you did tell her about him.

As far as your sister goes, Kelly had finally found a stable place to live, on her own, away from Pueblo and any connection to family and ex-boyfriends. She was moving to Denver to start a new job and a new life. Completely sober. You were so incredibly proud that she seemed to finally have turned a corner. It helped you sleep at night knowing you didn't need to worry about what might be happening to your sister.

The car rolls up to a small apartment building.

"This is it."

"Your sister lives here?" You can hear the judgment in Javier's voice. Indeed, the complex wasn't very nice. In fact, it was a piece of shit and in a bad part of town. But for some reason your irritation at Javier hadn't subsided, so you are irked by his judgemental remark.

"Sorry, it's not the fucking Ritz Carlton, Javier. She's still figuring stuff out."

Your sister bursts into squeals of excitement as soon as the door opens. She embraces you and starts jumping up and down as the two of you spin around in the excitement of being reunited.

"You look so good!" Kelly exclaims as she releases you. You know that she is your identical twin, and you know when you are together everyone confuses the two of you because of how similar you look, but to you, she looks like a completely different person. Her features might resemble yours in a way, but you could never see why people always got you two confused. But maybe that was your own insecurity speaking. "And you, you must be Javier. I've heard so much about you."

Kelly extends her hand and there is absolutely no mistaking the way Kelly's eye dips as she takes in his full form. She bites her lip as he smiles at her and introduces himself. You see your sister gives him the flirtiest grin possible as she leans forward and rests her hand on his shoulder. You know that the jealousy that bubbles inside your stomach is unwarranted, but you can't help but grab Javier's hand and smile at your sister. She was aware of your situation. You had related to her in a few conversations that you and Javier had broken up. When you had mentioned the idea of bringing him along to help with the move Kelly seemed surprised, but you assured her nothing was going on between you and Javier. Which was a lie. You also know that Kelly harbored a small crush on Javi from the few times they had spoken on the phone. She tended to fall very quickly for any man who showed her even an ounce of respect, yet another thing you two did not have in common.

It's already late and you are tired. But your sister insists that you stay up to watch the New Year. Despite your protests that it was the New Year on the east coast, she pouts until you relent and you are next to Javier on the couch. You glance over at your sister who has draped herself across Javier, laying herself across his lap. You are silently laughing at how awkward Javier looks. He is trying not to touch your sister in any way, so his hands are clasped behind his head as he watches the small TV. He looks at you and sees the smug look, he rolls his eyes as he tries to position himself further from your sister.

Your sister jumps up and runs into the adjoining kitchen to grab the grape juice she had poured into little plastic cups. As soon as she leaves his lap, he jumps up and grabs your hand, and pulls you in for a tight embrace. He leans down close to your ear, wraps one arm around your waist, and takes your hand to make it look like you two were dancing.

"I'm really glad I can tell you two apart so easily," he mutters.

"Really?"

"Really. I can't believe I ever said you looked like. Couldn't look more different if you tried," he murmurs as he pulls you a little closer and wraps both hands around your waist. You don't reply. There is something about Javier saying he can tell you apart from your identical twin sister that makes your heart swell. Your entire childhood had been defined by how similar you could be to another person. Your entire adulthood had been about trying to carve out your own little place in the world, without needing to be defined by others. And Javier, well he saw past all of that. All he ever saw was you.

He holds you against his chest as Kelly hands you the tiny cups and the countdown begins. You all turn to the TV as the crowds of people on the screen start to scream along.

THREE

TWO

ONE

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

You don't think as you reach up and kiss Javier on the lips. It's a short, friendly kiss. He is surprised by the gesture as you pull back and look at him innocently. The two of you don't break eye contact, and you can hear Kelly clear her throat as the moment grows longer.

"Can I get a New Year's kiss if we trade places?" Kelly asks from behind the two of you. Javier looks down, and you smile up at him wickedly.

"Of course, Kel," you move Javier's hands off of your hips and reach for your sister's hand. You pull her into your spot and place her squarely in front of Javier. You can see him look at you out of the corner of his eye as you step away. "Everyone deserves a New Year's kiss after all."

He leans down to kiss you, twin, on the cheek, but she turns her head and lands her lips on his at the last second. You can see Javier's eyes widen in surprise as she fully kisses him. Kelly wraps her arms around his neck and tries to pull herself closer to him. But Javier pulls back looking nervously from you to him. Kelly still has her arms wrapped around him and you start to laugh at how awkward Javier looks.

"You smell nice, Javi," Kelly purrs towards him. Javier grumbles a response as he tries to awkwardly remove himself from your sister's embrace. You finally reach forward and grab Javier's hand.

"I think Javi is tired. We have a big day tomorrow," Javier practically jumps at the chance to wrap his arm around your shoulders.

"Yeah, gotta rest up for your big move," you can hear how flustered he sounds and you start to giggle.

"I thought you two weren't a thing anymore," she states plainly, as she moves back into the kitchen to pour more of the grape juice into her plastic cup. "But it kind of feels like you are."

"Seriously, Kelly?" You snap.

"What?!"

"I came all the way here and you wanna dissect my relationship. Now. Fuck off," you aren't sure why you are so annoyed all of a sudden. Maybe it was the reminder that you and Javier weren't together. Maybe it was that even though you pretended to be okay with all her flirting, you were secretly jealous. But you would never admit that because that would mean admitting you still had feelings for him. Which you did, but it was much easier to live with yourself if you just denied it altogether.

"Oh," Kelly smirks a little as she looks between the two of you. "I get it now. Well, I'm sorry if I gave off the wrong impression. I was misinformed." Kelly looks at you pointedly before giving you a wink. Javier mumbles a brief no problem as she walks over to him and smiles. She takes the plastic cup out of his hand. "Bed's in there. I guess you two can share then."

"Hey, it's not - " you want to defend yourself, from what you aren't sure. But your sister's tone makes you angry nevertheless.

"Oh spare me, sis. I know. Trust me. I already know this whole deal. So, "she takes a big gulp of her grape juice. You know that she is doing her best to not think about the alcohol she is not consuming tonight, so you hadn't commented on the ridiculous amount of grape juice she had consumed. "Try and get some rest you two lovebirds."

She winks. And before you can protest she is blowing on a party horn so it drowns out your voice. Annoyed, you grab Javi's hand and lead him to the spare room - well spare closet. Your sister had done her best to set up a comfortable situation, an air mattress with lots of pillows, but it was awfully small for the two of you. Suddenly you were wondering if your sister had planned on having Javier sleep here at all and a jealous rage flashes through your veins.

"Hey," Javier's quiet voice takes you out of your thoughts and you look at him as he plops down on the tiny air mattress. He pats the spot next to him and you crawl into his arms. It’s a tight squeeze but you can both fit if you lay close enough. You feel his breath on the back of your neck and you know what he is thinking.

"If you even think of kissing me Javier, I'll snap your neck right here and now." There is a low snicker as he rests his chin on your shoulder. "But….you can hold me. I want you to hold me all night long."

"I was planning on it."

____♡____

You laugh at Javier's cheesy joke as the two of you stroll down the quiet street. There is a chill in the air, and you pull Javier a little closer. He casually had his arm draped around your shoulders as you hold on around his stomach, trying to retain some of his body heat.

"Fuck, I never thought I say this, but I miss Colombia. I hate the cold," you say as you shiver and cling to him.

"I should have known that taking you on a romantic walk in the snowfall wouldn't work out how I pictured it in my head."

"What exactly were you picturing, Javi? Cause if you think for one second you are getting any in this - " he laughs lightly at this as he stops and spins you around so you are looking up at him.

"No, actually. I wanted to give you something."

"Oh?" You raise your eyebrows.

"Since you cheated on Christmas…" he reaches into his jacket pocket and pulls out a small blue box. He stares at you intently as you smile at him. You giggle as you take the box from his hand and examine it.

"Javi, I never wear jewelry."

"I know. Trust me, I thought about that. I don't do this shit, but I decided to give it a try. For you."

You're touched by his words. So you grin up at him as you cautiously open the box and peek inside. To your surprise, there is just a simple silver chain with a small, bright pendant on it. You look closely and see it's in the shape of what appears to be a banana. You tilt your head as you look and run your fingers over it. It's a small bright yellow banana - there's no mistaking it. You look from the necklace to Javier trying to grasp the complexity of the joke. Then it hits you like a train.

"Chiquita….banana," you start to laugh as you look between Javier and the necklace. "You got me a banana because I'm.... chiquita." You look up at him dumbfounded and then you start to laugh. To really laugh. One of those hard, uncontrollable belly laughs. You had never loved something more than this dumb necklace. It was perfect in every way. You can't control the laugher as you grab onto Javier's arms for support. He looks at you with concern as you continue to shake with laughter.

"You don't have to like it, but at least I tried, right?"

"No, Javi, I love it," you grin up at him. You have to wipe tears from your eyes from the laughter. You cannot believe the joy you feel in your heart looking back down at the necklace. "I - I don't know what to say. It's perfect. Here. Help me put it on."

You hand him the box as you carefully take the necklace out of the box. You turn around and lift your hair signaling for him to put it on.

"You...really do like it?" He asks quietly as he dips the necklace around your neck. His hands trail down your neck to your shoulders.

"I really, really do, Javi. I've never loved a gift more."

"You don't have to lie just to boost my ego," he leans forward and places a kiss on the top of your head. You spin around with the biggest smile on your face.

"I have complained about Chiquita Banana buying off Congress for the past 7 years….and my boyfriend decided to commemorate our non-relationship with a silly necklace because I am his chiquita. Javi, it's perfect. Seriously. Thank you."

You slowly reach up on your tiptoes and kiss him gently. It's innocent and sweet. A simple thank you kiss. You linger above his lips for just a moment, debating if you want more, but Javier decides for the both of you as his hands make his way down your backside and squeezes your ass firmly. Your body jerks forward into his touch and you are kissing him and you can't stop kissing him. He is everything, and you hate the nagging feeling in the back of your mind that you shouldn't be doing this - but his lips soon make you forget that feeling altogether. You pull yourself closer to him as you try and snake one of your hands delicately along with the bulge in his pants. He groans as he pushes you back, and your back lightly hits a tree.

"Are you really gonna fuck me in the cold against some tree in this park?"

"I was planning on it, yeah."

"I thought you liked romance, Peña. After all, you did buy me this necklace."

"Would it be more romantic to fuck you in the tiny closet in your sister’s new apartment?"

"Well at least in there I won't complain about the cold," you giggle as you reach down and firmly grasp the bugle in his pants. He leans you back against the tree and kisses you. You feel his tongue dip into your mouth, and you welcome him. You throw your arms around his neck and pull yourself flush against him. His hand reaches down and pulls your shirt up, and you gasp at the coldness of the air hitting your skin. Javier sighs as he leans his head against yours.

"What's the quickest way back?"

After a lot of experimenting, a lot of noise, and a broken closet shelf later, you were laying with your head resting lightly on Javier's naked thigh as he leaned against the back wall in your sister's unpacked closet. He takes a long drag of his cigarette as he lightly strokes your hair. You turn and look up at his handsome features and let out a long slow sigh. Javier doesn't say anything as he regards you with a lazy smile, it's as if he knows what you are about to say and is preparing himself for it.

"We can't keep doing this Jav, it's not fair. To either of us," you reach up and run your finger along his nose and tap the end of it.

"I know you're right. I do. But why do I want to prove you wrong so badly?" You sit for a long moment together - you couldn't come up with a good answer. So you just remain quiet and look up at Javier, admiring how different he looks when he is like this. You love how relaxed he looks, how peaceful it feels to have him sitting here with you, with no work talk looming over your heads. Just the two of you. Together.

"We could make this the last time?" Javier takes one final drag of his cigarette before snuffing it out in the empty beer bottle next to him.

"Just like last time?" you ask.

"Yeah, just like the last time. But this is actually going to be the last time. Unlike last time."

You sit up and crawl over onto Javier's lap. You kiss the tip of his nose as he moves the hair from out of your eyes. You smile at him as he wraps his warm hands around your body and pulls you into him.

"Okay, since this is the last time Agent Peña, you better make sure and blow my fucking mind."

____♡____

January - 1993 - Colombia

"I need an update on the ground team. Stat."

The new head of the DEA snaps at the rest of the team. You look down at the radio as the team begins to turn the dials. All you can hear on the other end is static.

"You," she points at you. "I want you to check in with the other offices. See if the communication disruption is widespread. Go."

You don't wait for further instruction and dip out of the room making your way across the bustling building. The operation was a disaster and everyone had their heads down trying not to cause additional problems. You see Carrillo gathered around with several officers looking at the new aerial photos. When he sees you, he steps away from the group and grabs your arm, and pulls you away so the two of you are isolated.

"Messina sent me to check on comms."

"They're still down. But we are working as quickly as we can," he grabs both your arms and looks at you with grave concern. "She hasn't told you has she?"

"Told me what?"

"Peña was with them," you hear his words but don't entirely process them.

"I'm sorry, what?"

"Agent Peña volunteered to lead those men. He was caught in the crossfire, we haven't been able to make contact with him or any of his men."

You feel the air leave your lungs as the reality of the situation finally begins to settle in. You take a step back. Your vision is blurred, and you suddenly feel sick. You race across the hall and grab the trash can as you feel your lunch exit. You stand and look back at Carrillo as you bite the back of your hand trying to contain the scream. You know that in private with Carrillo, this reaction would be okay. He was a man of honor, and you figured he had some indication of what was going on between you and Peña, though he never voiced his opinion on the matter. But you couldn't let anyone else see you react like this, you needed to keep it together.

"I know that the two of you shared….you shared a special connection," he says as he pats you on the back as you stand back up still shaking, trying your best to hold back any tears that were threatening to spill over. "I thought you deserved to hear it from me."

You look at him and give him a weak smile. "Thank you, Carrillo. I - I am not sure what to say."

"We can start by figuring out a plan," he states as he turns back and looks at the group of men gathered around. You are only half listening, you mind running a million miles an hour. If the situation was as dire as you had been led to believe then Javier was in real danger. For all, you know he could already be dead. You felt like you were going to throw up again at just the thought.

The next 12 hours are a blur. A blur of anger, short-tempers, screaming, but most of all pure terror. You didn't know if you were ever going to see Javier again. You tried not to let the thoughts of what could've happened to him race through your mind. You try to block the images of his dead body in a field. Bleeding to death, alone, in some abandoned warehouse. Or the possible torture. You want to scream at the thought. You wanted to throw yourself in front of whatever danger he could be facing and beg them to take you instead. You needed Javier to be okay. Because you didn't know how you could be okay without him.

All these thoughts and emotions accumulate into a rather heated argument with your CIA partner, Willis, and ends with the two of you using some rather colorful language towards one another. Were you ready to punch him in the throat? Yes. You weren't about to let him get away with calling Javier names, especially when he wasn't even there to defend himself. And when he told you that you'd be fucking a corpse the next time around, well you had lost your cool completely. The entire department heard what you had to say. And no one was entirely happy about it, Messina least of all. She was not impressed by your handling of the stress from this operation, and she made it very clear. She had no idea just how well you were handling yourself given the circumstance, but you didn't feel like bringing it up. It was decided that you needed to take the next few hours to regroup before returning to work. They promised to keep you updated on any developments, and you didn't know how much longer you could keep it together.

So now you are laying in your old bed, staring up at the ceiling. You know that sleep will likely never come, and if it does, it won't be for hours. You had decided to stay in your and Javier's old apartment, just in case. You didn't know why - if something happened, you were sure to get a call. Hopefully. Though your outburst earlier likely didn't earn you any points with the new head of the DEA, she seemed determined to keep you at arm’s length from the operation. You had a sneaking feeling that she knew about you and Javier.

You hear a soft knock on the door. You look at the clock - it's 11 pm. Who the fuck is knocking at 11 pm without calling first?

You reach into the tiny nightstand drawer and grab the gun Javier had insisted you keep in case something might happen. This is the first time you are touching the thing since he gave it to you. You walk out of your bedroom and look at the front door. There is another soft knock. You raise the gun with shaky hands and are about to yell when you see the knob unlocking.

The door swings open and in front of you is none other than Javier Peña.

Your Javier. Standing right in front of your eyes. He looks weary but unharmed. You stare at him with the gun still raised because you can't believe your eyes. He's here. He's alive. He throws his hands up and the tiniest smile appears on his face.

"You gonna shoot me, chiquita?" You hear his voice and everything inside you breaks.

You drop the gun. And without thinking you run, jumping into his arms. He lets out a grunt as you wrap your arms around him and begin to kiss every inch of skin you could see and feel. Tears begin streaming down your face as you try and look over every inch of him to make sure he really was unharmed. You are a bumbling mess as he puts his arms around you and brings you in tightly to his chest.

"Javi, I thought - they told me - told me not to hope - but I couldn't - I just couldn't bear the thought - " you continue to sob into his shoulder as he holds you tightly, walking into the apartment and kicking the door closed. He pulls your face back, and you can see that there is wetness in his eyes too. It dawns on you that seeing you again had brought him close to tears.

"Hey, hey," he whispers as he strokes your cheeks. "I'm okay. I'm here now." You just let out another loud sob as you pull his lips to yours. You cannot believe that you are holding him. After the past 14 hellish hours. He was here. He was okay. And you could finally tell him all the thoughts that had been swimming through your head.

"Javier, I didn't tell you - I was scared - but now I have to - I have to tell you," your words are a mess as you try and get it out. He just continues to wipe away your tears as he moves the both of you over and sets you gently on the couch. You cling to him desperately, not wanting to break contact. He sits down next to you and leans his head back against the couch and shuts his eyes as you clammer to pull yourself close to him. He strokes your legs and you pull yourself as close as you can clinging to him like he is your only lifeline.

"Yeah, what's that?"

"I love you!" you practically shout it at him. You pull yourself onto his lap as you look him straight in the eye. "I love you more than I ever dreamed was possible. I love you so much it scares me. And when I thought - when I thought you were gone - I just couldn't," you look at him and your voice gets impossibly soft as you look at him through your tear-stained lashes. "Javier, I love you so much I can't stand it. I can't lose you. I just - I need you. In my life. I need you because I love you. Please," you pull his face close and put your lips to his. "Please, tell me that you feel the same way because I cannot imagine living another second without you. I just can't."

He doesn't reply. He just pulls you closer so that you are fully straddling him sitting and your head is tucked into the nape of his neck. You feel him stroking your back and he places a soft kiss in your hair. You sit there for a long moment. You try and soak up everything you can as you sit there with him. Wanting to remember how everything feels, how it smells, how Javier touches you so gently. You want to sear it into your brain. In the past 14 hours, you thought there was a very good chance that this would never happen again, that you wouldn't get to experience him again. And as you both sit there in silence, this isn't lost on either of you. Javier is lost in these thoughts too, but he feels you shift under him as you bury your head further into his chest.

"You're all I thought about," he whispers finally. "Things got….difficult. And you're all I could think about." You both sit there for a long moment as you begin to draw circles on his chest. "I wanted to make sure I got to tell how much I care. About you. About us." He is silent for a moment. You pull your head back and look at him and his brown eyes are staring at you so intensely. "I love you. More than anything. And I can't live without you either because I am in love with you. Everything about you. Everything about us."

You don't say anything. You just lean down and kiss him lightly on the lips, but Javier wants more and pulls you in for a deepened kiss. He kisses you like this is his first time. He kisses you like this is his last time. He kisses you like a man that has been starved and this is the first meal in years. And you kiss him back with everything you have. You want him to feel everything you hadn't been able to say in this kiss. You want him to know how desperately you love him. You need him to feel your love for him.

"Fucking finally," he whispers against your lips. "Do you know how long I've wanted to tell you that I'm in love with you?"

"I know," you giggle. "I've known for a long time."

"So why is this the first time I'm getting to say it?"

"Because you're a stubborn asshole."

"Yeah, I am," he chuckles softly.

"But you're my stubborn asshole."

"Yeah, and you're my girl."

"Through and through."

____♡____

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this took sooooooo long. life just be like that sometimes. if you want to follow me on tumblr so you can see a few updates about why my chapters are updating slower, or just to be friends, feel free too - @perropascal


	10. nueve - sign of the times

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> you and javier reach a breaking point.

**____♡____**

February - 1993 - Colombia

Javier takes another drag of his cigarette as he turns and looks at your sleeping form. You look regal in this light - naked and draped in nothing but a sheet, your hair a mess, as you snore ever so slightly from sheer exhaustion. Javier wouldn’t admit to it but he was having a difficult time with your relationship. He loved you. He knew that, he never doubted how much he loved you. But you _scared_ him. You scared him shitless. You were by far the smartest, most well-put-together, the most beautiful, most courageous, kindest, compassionate, graceful, fiercest, and most loving person he’d ever met. There was not a soul alive that compared to you. 

And Javier, well he was just Javier. There was nothing special about him, he wasn’t even a good person. He knew it. You knew it. Hell, everyone at the office knew he was a shit human for all the things he had gotten up to in order to catch Escobar. So, he knew he didn’t deserve to be with you. But he loved you so goddamn much. Fuck, he loved you more than he ever knew was possible, but he was too selfish to let you go, to let you find someone better. He drove himself crazy at night with the thought of anyone else getting to love you the way he loved you. But Javier knew deep down that eventually he would have to face the truth - you were too good for him. 

Javier tortured himself at night with the thought of you realizing you were too good for him and leaving him for another person. The idea that you could love another person and another person could love you the way he loved you, caused Javier to stay up some nights teeming with jealousy at just the thought. 

You had given him a spare key shortly after moving into your new house, promised to only be used in emergencies, now it was used whenever Javier made his way to Bogotá. Javier spent nearly every night he was in Bogotá wrapped in your arms, and you found yourself sneaking away to Medellín more often than was technically necessary for your job. And Javier would always end up in wherever you were, directly violating orders to stay on base. Something you were willing to overlook when mentioned by others. 

Javier reaches out for you and gently brushes some of your hair out of your face. When you were really truly exhausted like you had been tonight, you sleep on your stomach, arm tucked under the pillow, mouth agape and just the slightest amount of noise leaving your lips - not quite a snore, more like a tiny, little peep. Javier feels another pair of eyes on him and he turns to the side of the bed to see a pair of large green eyes looking straight up at him. 

Dusty blinks up at Javier before turning her behind at him and trotting out the door. For some reason, your newly adopted cats, Dusty and Oreo, had taken to Javier like glue. They followed him around everywhere he went begging for his attention. At first, you were slightly annoyed. After all, you were the one that rescued them, but now you found their actions endearing. Oreo and Mittens gazed at Javier from the doorway expectantly. Javier sighs as he cast one last glance in your direction before pushing himself out of your shared bed and making his way down to the kitchen. He is followed by an eager audience of hungry cats who are invested in his every move.

"Well, good morning ladies, how did I know you would be waiting for me?" Javier mutters to his enthralled fans as he leans down to scoop some food into each of their bowls. The cats answer with a chorus of meows before starting to devour the food as quickly as their tiny mouths would allow. Javier chuckles as he makes his way over to the coffee pot, pressing start and grabbing two mugs.

Javier had made a last-second decision to travel to Bogotá for this weekend. He had called late on Thursday to inform you that he needed to relay some important information to you in person first thing Friday morning. It was Friday morning, and he somehow doubted that the two of you would be discussing the case at any point during the course of the morning. 

Javier follows the usual routine. Feed the cats, newspaper, coffee the way you like it, eventually heading back up the stairs to our room where he finds you still sound asleep. It was getting to be late and he knew you’d be upset if you overslept. He sets the coffee on your nightstand and leans over you giving you the briefest kiss on the lips. 

The first thing you’re aware of is a tickling sensation on your back. You groan. You didn’t want to open your eyes, everything still felt so heavy still. But then you feel more tickling on your back, crawling up onto your shoulders so you roll slowly onto your back.

"And mornin’ to my main girl.” 

You hear his sweet voice against your lips and your smile. You don’t open your eyes as he starts to kiss you. It starts as an innocent kiss and he starts to pull away from you but when you reach up and feel the bare skin of his chest you need more. You thread your fingers into his hair and pull him back into you. He gladly lets you pull him on top of you and soon his full weight rests on top of you. You break apart from the kiss to catch your breath. You finally peek your eyes open. 

“Morning,” you whisper. 

“Morning,” he murmurs back as his chin rests on your chest. He starts to kiss any exposed skin he can see. 

“What time is it?” you ask sleepily. Javier ignores your question as he props himself up and kisses down your chest. He takes one of your breasts in his mouth and sucks lightly. You moan at the sensation. He starts to suck a little harder and your hips start to move desperately to find more friction. You giggle as you playfully tug on the back of his hair. “ _Javi._ What time is it?”

“Mmm,” his lips leave your nipple with a pop and he smiles at you lazily. “Not sure. Let me taste you real quick, then we can worry about doing our jobs.”

You throw your head back onto the pillow and laugh. This was a regular occurrence when it came to waking up next to Javier. He was always so eager to please, to show you the way he knew how to show love. He had a hard time saying the words, but he never had a hard time showing you. He hoists himself up so he is leaning over you and he starts to pepper you with kisses. You giggle and try to wiggle your way out from underneath him as he continues to kiss down your neck and stomach. 

"I’ll make it quick," he says between kisses as you still struggle to escape his affection. You're able to maneuver just enough so you can crawl on all fours off the bed with Javier still trying to drag you back down. You get far enough away from his grasp that you can push yourself off the bed and onto your feet. 

Javier throws himself down dramatically on the mattress and gazes up at you with a massive pout. You lean down and press your lips to his. 

“We have all weekend, Jav,” you whisper. He reaches up and grabs your hand so you can’t exit the conversation.

“What if you took an early weekend? You look awfully sick to me. I don’t think you should go in,” for a second you think he’s being serious and you whirl around to look at yourself in the mirror. Javier lets out a loud laugh at your reaction. 

“You jerk!” You jump back on the bed and playfully slap him as you climb on top of him to pin him down. “I’m going to make you regret that.”

He props himself up on his elbows. 

“You mean it?” 

You grin down at him. You bend over and start kissing him. You allow him to let his hands roam freely over every inch of skin he can find. He’s desperate as he pulls you closer. You feel his hands grip tightly on your ass and you grind down on the bugle in his pants. He lets out a soft groan and he desperately tries to bring your hips back down to create more friction. Satisfied, you pull away and jump off and start to skip towards the bathroom. 

“Nope! Take care of yourself, viejo!” 

You can hear him let out an exasperated sigh before you feel his arm hook around your waist and pull you back into his chest. 

“Stay with me and I’ll fuck you till the sun goes down,” he nips at your ear lobe. Then suddenly he twists you around in his arms. “Take the day off and I’ll fuck you till you can’t walk.”

“Javier, the children!” You both turn and look at the door, where three pairs of eyes have been watching the scene in front of them unfold, unconcerned. Javier pulls back and looks at you with an amused expression. He gazes at you for a moment too long and you start to feel your face getting hot. You turn your face away from Javier to try and hide your embarrassment. 

“It’s just me,” Javier slowly turns your chin back so you are looking up at him. “Please, don’t ever hide from me.”

He runs his finger along your cheek and you look at him. He has the deepest expression of admiration in his eyes. He is staring at you like you are the only thing in the world, like you are the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. For a long moment, you just stare at him, and your heart leaps when you remember that Javier was yours and you were his. 

“I love you, Javi,” you whisper as you reach up on your tiptoes and kiss the tip of his nose.

“You know how much I like hearing you say that right?”

“It wouldn’t hurt for you to say it back sometimes, ya know?” It’s almost a joke. Almost. Javier blinks down at you for a moment. He leans your head back slightly and kisses up your neck slowly, he places a purposeful kiss on your chin before bringing his lips to your lips. 

“I don’t ever want you to doubt how much I fucking adore you,” he mutters against your lips. “I love every single part of you.”

Then he’s kissing you. He’s kissing you and you don’t try to stop him. His hands make their way down your back and pull you roughly against his chest before gripping your ass. With practiced ease you hop up into his arms, wrapping your legs around his waist, pulling away briefly to catch your breath, and resting your forehead against his with a wicked smile. 

He glances back at the door, where Mittens had now been joined by the other two cats. They all just stare at the two of you intertwined in each other's arms. Javier nods his head at the three cats as he leans over to close the door. 

“Excuse me, we need some privacy, if you don't mind,” he says as he swings the door close. You laugh into his shoulder as he backs you both up to the edge of the bed. He places you down gently as he continues to kiss down your body. When he reaches your core he stops. 

“I fucking love you,” he whispers, as he reaches up and guides you out of your underwear. He looks back up at you as he kneels in between your legs, slowly and deliberately raising each leg over his shoulder, placing kisses on the inside of each thigh. “This pussy is the only pussy made just for me.” 

He leans down and licks one long deliberate stroke up your folds. You buck your hips up into his face, needing more. He chuckles as he places both hands on your hips and holds you down. 

“So eager,” he murmurs against your clit before attaching himself to it and sucking hard. You moan loudly as pleasure courses through your body. You can feel the smile on his lips and he starts to lick and suck away at your soaking core. You reach down and run your fingers through his dark hair and pull when you feel him slip a finger inside you. You moan and arch your back into his mouth. You can feel the tension building and you desperately pull on his hair seeking your high. 

He knows your body better than you do at this point, so he knows exactly where to curve his finger to hit the spot that gets you seeing stars. You whine out his name in a desperate plea and that’s when he adds a second finger and starts to rhythmically pump inside you. All it takes is one final light kiss on your clit and you come undone. Your body loses control and you start to shake, tossing your head back and forth as the pleasure overwhelms every sense and every thought. Javier keeps pumping you until you're too sensitive and you put both feet on his shoulders and forcefully push him away. 

He collapses onto the floor beneath you. You roll over and watch him as he lays down on his back. He makes eye contact with you as he licks his fingers clean, and another painful ache shoots straight to your core at his actions.

“So,” you say as you slide off the bed and onto the floor. You sit next to him as you run your hands up and down his arms. His boxers do nothing to contain his bulge. You tease him delicately running your fingers down his stomach, to his happy trail, and stopping just short of where he’d like you. “About that sick day.”

Javier’s eyes go wide in surprise when you say this.

“Seriously?”

“Seriously,” you laugh as you climb up on top of him. You lean down and capture his lips and kiss him deeply. “What the fuck right? We work too much anyway.”

And so for the first time in your entire life, you play hooky. And you didn’t regret it for a second. The entire day was spent in a blissful state of euphoria. Partly from the amazing amount of sex Javier was capable of providing, but mostly because you were so unequivocally happy. You were so unapologetically in love with Javier Peña absolutely nothing else mattered that day. It was just you and him. That day Pablo Escobar didn’t exist. The DEA, the CIA, the Colombian government, even the rest of the world didn’t exist - because all you needed was here in front of you. 

And then Friday turned into an entire weekend of euphoric bliss. A bliss that only comes from being really, truly in love. 

But, with all great things, Sunday night finally came and the reality hit that the two of you would need to return to your jobs, to the real world, was starting to settle in your stomach. 

You’re sitting in bed, leaning on Javi’s chest, occasionally stroking his arm or his leg in affection, just letting him know you were still there, reading your book when he suddenly breaks the silence. 

“Why can’t it always be like this?”

“What do you mean?” You close your book and set it aside. You nuzzle yourself into his chest, feeling the rumble as he speaks. 

“Why can’t we always be this happy?”

“Are you happy Javi?”

“Yes, very,” you feel him lean back as he lights a cigarette. “I want this all the time.”

“Oh? And what are you going to do about it, Javier? Buy me a ring?”

“Don’t tempt me,” he murmurs against your skin as he places a delicate kiss on your temple.

“Please, don’t joke about that…” you roll over on to your back, annoyed. You close your eyes and let out a long breath. “You know I hate it when you joke about that.”

“Who says I’m joking this time?” You look at him. He’s smirking at you as he takes another drag of his cigarette, as if he is begging you for a response. You visibly roll your eyes at him as you turn on your side so you can get a better look at his handsome figure. You start to run your fingers delicately along Javier’s arms. He notices you’re avoiding his gaze so he brings his hand under your chin and you tilt your head up to look into his eyes. “We’ll talk about it when you’re ready.”

You don’t answer him. You just give him a long look as you bring your hand up and rest it on the side of his face. You run your fingers along his cheeks and wonder what he could possibly be thinking. Your beautiful Javier. Your beautiful, stupid, careless, loyal, righteous, reckless, wonderful, Javier. He doesn’t say anything, just looks back at you with a lazy smile. You want to ask him what he means, of course, you do, but you don’t want to ruin this moment. 

You knew you weren’t going to marry Javier Peña. You knew that. You didn’t have any solid examples in your own life of what a healthy marriage should look like, so you made a promise when you were younger that you just wouldn’t bother. Your parents hated each other. You watched your mother live with an abusive man for years because she couldn’t afford to leave him. But the mention of a ring always makes your heartbeat a little faster, because you can’t stop the image of the fairy wedding you’d secretly planned as a little girl when you’d flip through all the glossy magazines at your mother’s salon.

It would be crazy to wish that he would suddenly change his mind about the idea of marriage. The two of you had agreed early on, long before you fell in love with him, that you would have to be insane to get married. It was just a legal contract. A way to force a person to stay with you forever, even if you were miserable. Javier felt strongly about this. The deception surrounding his previous brush with marriage was enough to leave a bitter taste in his mouth. And you had never really discussed if his feelings had changed since, although he had made it pretty clear at the time there was nothing a single soul would ever be able to do that would convince him it was a good idea. 

You would be foolish to wish Javier Peña would change his mind for you. But the thought of growing old with him, building a life outside Colombia together, being able to live together and be together as a normal couple forever - your heart stops just thinking about it. You know what you wanted. It had never been clearer to you than at this moment as you mindlessly run your fingers across Javier’s bare chest and he stares at the ceiling. 

“Whenever your ready chiquita….” You look up at Javier’s face and see his eyes are closed with the back of his hand resting over them. You must’ve worn him out this weekend. You smile at the thought. You would be teasing him first thing in the morning. 

You watch for a few minutes as Javier’s breathing becomes shallow and all the muscles in his body begin to relax. You take the still lit cigarette out of his hand and reach across to smash it out in the ashtray on Javier’s nightstand. The movement causes Javier to shift ever so slightly so his arms snake up around you and pull you close to his chest. You smile and snuggle into his chest, sighing contently, before you decide to give him the answer now. 

You tilt your head up and bring your lips to his.

“Yes,” you place the softest kiss on his lips. So soft that Javier barely moves in this sleep. “I’ll marry you. I’ll marry the shit out of you.” 

He barely moves and you snuggle back down into his chest, and for a moment you allow yourself to picture that future. A future with Javier Peña. The future you were now sure you wanted.

____♡____

March - 1993 - Washington, D.C

There is one thing that you don't miss about America - snow. Especially snow in springtime. There are very few things you hate more than a snowstorm in springtime. The only thing you do know that you hate more - snow on your birthday. 

And today it would seem Washington, D.C wanted to make this birthday especially memorable by canceling your flight back to Colombia, and you had the pleasure of being stuck in a shitty airport motel in a blizzard. On your birthday. 

You were supposed to celebrate with Javi in Bogotá. He had something special planned for just the two of you. He had taken great care in making sure that it was a complete secret. All you knew was that Javier was practically giddy whenever you brought it up. Apparently, he put a lot of thought into it and was having a hard time keeping it to himself. Even Steve had been roped into playing some small role in the surprise, but he remained loyal to Javier and hadn’t spilled a single detail. 

So now sitting in your shitty hotel room staring at the flurries of snow blanketing the ground you know you have to make the call but you just can’t make yourself pick up the phone. You hadn’t even bothered to buy cigarettes on your way out of the office this morning, figuring you could last until you were reunited with Javi. And now you regret it because there would be no reunion with Javier. You would be alone. Awesome.

Finally, you take the phone off the hook and dial the office, a dread growing in the pit of your stomach. Steve picks up the phone on the first ring with a gruff hello. As soon as he hears your voice greet him on the other end his tone changes. 

“You know he’s reminded me about a hundred times today that he won’t be available this weekend. So whatever it is he has planned, it must be huge.”

“Shut up, Murphy. I know you were involved in the planning.”

“Says who, Doc?”

“Javi is a lot of things...planning a surprise by himself….not his strong suit.”

“Yeah, you caught me,” Steve chuckles through the phone. “Is your flight delayed? What time am I picking you up?

“You’re picking me up? What? Why?”

“It’s a part of your surprise.”

“Oh, well, you’ll be waiting for me for a while. My flights canceled. Everything out of D.C. is canceled until at least tomorrow. I can’t even take the jet. Everything’s grounded.”

There’s silence on the other end and you get nervous. Steve was never quiet, he always had an opinion to share, and he was always willing to share it loudly whenever presented with the opportunity. 

“Steve, please, how upset is he going to be?” You whisper. 

“You already know the answer. But there isn’t much you can do about it sounds like.” 

“Which of us is going to break the news?” you throw yourself down on the old motel bed and feel the mattress creak beneath you. 

“Now Doc, you know I consider you to be one of my very best friends, a sister even. But I don’t love you that much. This is all you.” 

“Wow, I suppose I should be touched by that, yet I don’t feel comforted.”

“He’s not going to be angry at you. You know that. It’s not like you can control the weather unless there’s some superpower you failed to inform me about.” 

“Unfortunately that’s not one of my many secret superpowers. But...fuck, this job, I’ve been gone so much - “

“Doc, I’m not the guy to talk to about relationships. We both know where I stand. But I know Javi isn’t going to hold it against you. You know why? Dude fucking loves you. He likes you an annoying amount. So trust me on this one - speak of the devil, guess who just walked in?”

You bite your lip. You know Steve is right, of course, Steve is right, but the dread tugs at your stomach. 

“You’re fine. Got it?” You give a noncommittal hum and you can hear Javier asking for the phone in the background. “And Doc, happy birthday. Enjoy it. Have a drink for me?”

You chuckle at this and thank Steve for his kind words.

“Whatever he told you about the surprise, it’s a fucking lie,” Javi immediately offers. 

You can’t say anything and instead like out a half-laugh, half-sob into the phone. Javier sounds concerned when he just says your name a few times and you don’t reply. But you just can’t form the words. You can feel them in the back of your throat but you can’t say them. You can’t break Javier’s heart like this. He deserved to be recognized for all the hard work he’s put into this surprise and instead you were going to have to tell him to celebrate alone. A million miles apart. 

For another weekend. Yet again. 

“Javi,” you whisper. You can hear him exhale his cigarette.

“I don’t like where this conversation is going,” he mutters. 

“The storm’s as bad as they said. Everything in and out of Dulles is canceled. And they won’t let me take the jet. No matter how badly I beg.” There is silence. Total silence and it eats you alive as your lip trembles and you try to hold back the tears. “Fucking say something, Javi.”

“I’m trying to think of how uncomfortable a trip to Machu Picchu is going to be with Steve. That’s all.”

“Oh Javier, you didn’t,” you whisper into the phone. 

“Four days. You and me. Peru. Hiking, which you know how much I enjoy hiking in the middle of the Peruvian mountains,” his voice doesn’t sound angry. Actually, it sounds the opposite, it sounds almost hollow. Javier sounds defeated as he describes some of the other details of the trip, it sounds like he had accepted that this phone call was inevitable. “Non-Refundable deposit at the hotel. Which I should’ve thought more carefully about. But I’m wondering how Steve feels about sharing a bed.”

“Not on your fucking life.” Steve declares loudly in the background and you smile as the tears start to fall. 

“Javier, you don’t deserve this. I’m so sorry, god I hate this,” you clench the receiver tightly in your hand as the frustration spills out of you. 

“What're you talking about? You don’t deserve this. Alone on your birthday? No one deserves that.”

“You were alone for your birthday last year,” you muse. 

“I don’t count.”

“You just said no one should be alone on their birthday, hypocrite.” 

“Yeah, well there’s not a lot to celebrate when it comes to me. But you,” you hear him take another long drag. “Now there is a reason to celebrate.”

“Shut up,” you mutter as you sniffle through the phone. 

“You know it’s true, hermosa. I just...I’m sorry I can’t give you more.”

“Javi, Please don’t, you give me everything. This is my fault. I should’ve left earlier. Or I should’ve just skipped this trip. Fuck, I hate this job.”

“No, you don’t,” he says softly but sincerely. 

“Yes, I do! I’m always away from you know. Every week. I’m being jetting off to some stupid political conference. Or political talk. To sweet talk these old, fat, ugly, _stupid, selfish,_ politicians. And I know why they are sending me. _I know it._ And you know it, don’t play dumb with me,” you can feel your voice getting higher. “And I hate it. I loathe everything about it. I don’t want this. I don’t want this anymore. I want to be respected because of what I know, not what I look like.”

“Sweetheart…” Javier whispers.

“No, Javi, you don’t have to make me feel better. I just,” you let out a frustrated whine through the phone. “I just….I’m just having a bad day. I really wanted to be there with you. Really bad. That’s all.”

“I know you did. But that’s the job.” 

“What if I don’t want it to be anymore?” You ask in earnest. 

“Please, don’t joke about that…'' he says through the phone quietly. It's barely audible over the bustle of the office in the background. You hold the phone tight to your ear, desperate to hear him, but more desperate to feel him. “You know I hate it when you joke about that.”

“Who says I’m joking this time?” 

Javier chuckles lightly, but you know that tone, he doesn’t want to continue this conversation because every time it ends with the same inevitable conclusion - neither of you were going to be the one to give up your career for the other. And it hurt the other person. It hurt the other person a lot more than either one of you were willing to admit. 

“We can talk about it when you get back? Yeah?”

“Yeah, alright.”

“Sweetheart, it’s your birthday. I want you to - “ Javier is cut off by another voice interrupting him and although you can’t make out the exact words you can hear the urgency behind them. You hear Javier say something in Spanish and you hear Steve say ‘Well let’s fucking go!’ nice and loud. You sigh. You would do anything to be there, with your two closest friends, even if it was at the office. “Hey, somethings come up. You’re going to call me later, yeah?”

“Of course,” you chime. You hear Javier shuffles through his drawers and know he is pulling out his gun and tucking into his jeans. “Promise me you’ll be safe. For my birthday.” 

“Always am. I - I….“ you can hear the hesitation in his voice. He is holding back from saying something as his voice drops off. You can hear Steve barking at him that they need to leave. Finally, after a brief pause, you hear him again. “I love you, chiquita. I really really do.” 

It’s quiet. Reserved. But you let out a small gasp at his words. Javier struggled to say those words when you were alone, even though it would just be the two of you, he would avoid using those three little words. For him to say it with others around, where others might be able to hear him, where they would be able to easily put two and two together of who was on the other end of the phone - well, it spoke volumes of just how much he loved you.

“I love you too, Agent Peña,” you smile into the phone. “Hearing you say that was the best birthday present ever. Now go catch some bad guys.”

____♡____

May - 1993 - Colombia

"Yes?" You are trying to juggle several stacks of paper as you press the satellite phone to your ear. You listen to the voice on the other end and stumble forward dropping everything. The papers go flying and you hiss. But you don't go to pick them up as you lean down and press the phone to your ear. "Tell me. Now."

You snap your fingers at some of the interns and point to papers motioning for them to pick them up. They look confused, you never snapped at them. You were always polite and rarely asked them to do the remedial work that many other officemates forced them to do. 

"What do you mean? Is he okay?" You almost scream into the phone as you stomp into the empty conference room at the end of the hall and slam the door. "Well? That didn't answer my question now did it, Debra. So let me ask again. What the fuck happened to Carrillo?"

You listen to her voice explain it again but you are not registering her words. Something about an attack by Escobar on a Search Bloc party being led by Carrillo. This sends your mind reeling at the possibilities of who else might have been there. She mentions the death toll and how the helicopter transports to the ICU had just landed but how the odds were not in his favor. She was calling because you were needed by both the Ambassador and the Colombian President for briefings ASAP. 

"Put me through to Peña."

"I am afraid the Ambassador is waiting to speak with you. It is highly urgent."

"I'm not going to ask again. Put me through to Agent Peña right fucking now, Debra." 

You can hear a subtle gasp on the other end of the phone. You never spoke to her like this. You had always been kind and shown her the utmost respect. She doesn't say another word and you hear the familiar click. You walk back out into the hall and yell at your assistant who is still trying to gather all the papers you dropped. 

"Michelle! I need you to get me on a flight to Bogotá."

Michelle looks up at you surprised by your demeanor. 

"Yes ma'am, and uh, when - uh- are you going to - uh - be returning to Colombia?" She sputters. 

"I need to be leaving within the hour - " the phone stops ringing and you hear Javier's voice and a part of you relaxes slightly knowing that he is at least alive. 

"Peña." 

"Javi, it's me." Michelle is still standing looking at you accepting more guidance and for some reason your anger at this small thing overcomes you and you turn to her and scream, "Well, what are you waiting for, NOW MICHELLE. GO!" 

She looks sheepish as he retreats back into the office flushed by your outburst. 

"I don't have time, things happened and - "

"I know. That's why I'm calling, I need to know what's going on. Where - " 

"I'm fine. I never left the base."

"I'm happy. But Carrillo - "

"I'm heading to the hospital right now. Things….don’t look good." 

"What happened? How - " 

"An ambush. Fuck, they didn't stand a chance."

“I’m on the next flight.” You’re greeted with silence on the other end. “Javier? I’ll be there as soon as I can.” 

“Yeah, hurry. If you want to say goodbye.” With that, he hangs up the phone and you left looking at very concerned Michelle. 

“Boss, umm, well the earliest flight is tomorrow at 530am - “

“No, the flight leaves in an hour. Call headquarters. I’m taking the jet.”

“Is that...are you allowed?” You turn to look at Michelle and she shrinks when she sees the glare you are giving her.

“I’m making it allowed. Call headquarters, tell them I’m on the way.” You don’t apologize. You don't say another word. You walk into your office, grab whatever will fit in your bag, and rush out the door, trying desperately to keep your mind clear.

____♡____

You knock softly on the door and don't wait for a reply as you push yourself into the small room. Javier is sitting outstretched in the chair looking out the window, a glass of whiskey in his hand and a half-empty bottle in the other. 

"I'm busy," he barks. "Come back some other god damn time."

"Does that apply to me, Agent Peña?" His head jerks up when he hears your voice and you give him a small, sad smile from across the room. 

"Chiquita…...you're here," he looks at you with the saddest expression possible and he reaches up towards you. You close the distance and intertwine your hands as he pulls you in closer. You reach for his face and look down into his eyes. For the first time since you've known him, you can see tears in his eyes and a part of your aches. You reach down and kiss the tip of his nose and at that, a small sob escapes his lips. As he pulls you into him and buries his head into your stomach. You run your hands through his hair and try not to fall apart yourself. 

You stand like that, with Javier softly crying into you, for a very long time. Finally, you feel him pull back and you look down at his red eyes and you run your fingers along his cheeks. 

"What're you doing here?" Javi doesn't let you go but pulls you down so you are sitting on his lap and his chin is resting on your shoulder. 

"He’s my friend too, Javier," you whisper as you turn slightly and kiss his ear. 

"You shouldn't be here, this shouldn't have happened," he closes his eyes and you can hear the anger behind his words. 

"No," you reach around and grab his face so he is looking straight at you. "This is not your fault Javier. I will not let you put this on yourself." He breaks eye contact and looks away before he closes his eyes again and leans into your touch and kisses the inside of your hand.

"You weren't here. I got played." 

"You didn't do this. You are not responsible for this. I need you to believe me." You wrap your arms around his neck and pull him into your chest. You put a small kiss on the top of his head. "I won't let you carry this on your conscience too." 

“He won’t be able to hug his children, fuck he won’t be able to - “

“No, Javi, look at me,” you put both hands on either side of his face. “Carrillo is alive. And I know you want to see his injuries as a bad thing, but he will be able to see his kids again. They will grow up with a father. In my opinion, that’s better than no father.”

There is a long silence as Javier looks into your eyes. He can see that you have been crying recently, your cheeks are puffy and red and your make-up is smeared. But you staring into his eyes with such intensity, it feels like you are looking right into Javier’s soul. He can’t respond to your words so instead, he just offers a small nod. 

“Take it from someone who grew up without a father around, some is better than none at all,” Javier closes his eyes, willing himself to believe your words.

Javier just keeps his eyes closed and leans into your touch trying to forget the images replaying in his head and instead focus on your presence. You sit there for a long time just holding him and occasionally leaning down to kiss him. Javier continues to sip on his whiskey with you sitting in his lap, quietly letting the tears roll down your beautiful cheeks. 

"We're breaking your rules," he murmurs into your ear as he runs his nose down your jaw. 

"Fuck the rules," you say. You can feel the smile on Javi's face as he continues to hold as close as he can. It feels like he is holding you tighter like he is afraid that letting you go means you would be leaving too. "Besides, I am here to comfort my friend. So he doesn't have to drink alone." Without asking you take the glass out of Javier's hand and raise it. 

"For Horacio. Fuck Escobar." 

You put the glass to your lips and take a tiny sip of the brown liquid. You can smell it as it hits your tongue and you gag. You put your hand over your mouth trying to hold it in but it's no use, the smell is overwhelming and the sharp, bitter taste is impossible to swallow. It comes back up and you spit it on the floor next to the two of you. You look sheepishly at Javier who has his eyebrows raised in question. 

"I forgot, I don't drink whiskey," you say with a shy smile. "How the fuck can you drink this shit?" 

"I drink to forget," Javier takes the glass back and raises it. "Fuck Pablo Escobar." In on swift motion, he gulps down the rest of the glass.

You rest your head against his and whisper, "I am so sorry Javi. Tell me how I can help." 

"Just….stay. Here. With me," he just closes his eyes and pulls you as close as he can. 

"I'm here, till you ask me to leave," you say as you kiss his forehead.

You feel him pull you close and you can feel the tears running down his cheeks. Your heart breaks because there is nothing you can do to help. You stay with him for hours. Eventually, he feels your body growing heavy in his arms. He looks at your face tucked into the nape of his neck and your eyes are barely able to stay open. He quietly kisses your eyelids.

“Come on, chiquita. Bedtime.” 

You mumble something back at him incoherently and he can’t help the smile that forms. He lifts you with some effort, the alcohol and his tiredness getting the better of him. But he manages to place you on the tiny bunk bed and you immediately curl into the tiny ball he was so used to. Javier knows he shouldn’t, but the thought of being away from you, of leaving you, and not being able to know for sure that you are safe because you're here and in his arms makes him crawl onto the bed. It’s small. It’s uncomfortable. And he has to shift several times before he can properly rest his body. He kisses your shoulder one last time, pulling you close and whispering ‘I love you’ as many times as he can until sleep pulls him into a dreamless sleep. 

____♡____

“No one cares about some narcos whore. Just forget about her,” your partner Willis is sitting a few feet behind you sipping on his mug of coffee as you stare at the crime scene photos. 

Hundreds of leads had been pouring in over the last few days, since the attack on Carrillo. You ignore his comment and continue to look at the photos trying to think of anything you might have missed. Javier had been determined to find the young woman who had given him the information that led to the death of his friend. But so far, you have turned up nothing but empty leads.

“Why do you care so fucking much, Doc? So Carrillo won’t be helping us anymore. Lucky bastard got an early retirement. Doesn’t this make our job easier? More money? President’s bound to see how bad things are now. Besides, that sick bastard had it coming.” 

You don’t even think as you turn and slap Willis _hard_ across the face. He lets out a surprised yelp as he staggers back and brings his hand up to cup his injured cheek.

“What the fuck?! Have you gone fucking mad, woman?!”

“Maybe,” you hiss. You take one step towards him and lift your hand again as if you are about to strike. He cowers away and visibly retreats away out of reach of another slap.

“I’m going to fucking report to HR, you psychotic bitch.” 

“Go ahead,” you smirk and turn back to the pictures. “Go ahead and tell everyone how you got bitch smacked by a weak little cunt? Isn’t that what you called me, Willis? Last week?” You turn with your eyebrows raised and look him up and down. “Go ahead. Tell the entire office, that the weak little cunt you think can’t properly do her job just scared the living shit out of you. I’m sure no one will think less of you.” 

Willis looks incredulous. He tries to form a sentence but only a few sputtered words leave his mouth before the door to the conference room opens and none other than Javier Peña strides in. Willis looks at him with narrowed eyes. 

“You better put a leash on your girlfriend,” he snaps at Javier. “The bitch is getting a little too high on her horse.” 

You don’t need to turn around to hear the audible gasp from Willis as Javier approaches him. You smile as you can hear Willis shuttling around the table to avoid Javier.

“I’m sorry, Agent, I must’ve misheard you speak about the fine Doctor here,” Javier’s voice is level, but his tone implies something much darker. “Why don’t you go ahead and apologize and be on your way.” 

“No, fucking way, she assaulted me.”

“That’s not what I saw,” Javier says immediately. You turn and look at Javier, he is looking at you with a serious expression. 

“Yeah well you weren’t here, but your girlfriend here slapped me. Hard,” Willis says dramatically as he continues to cup his injured cheek, which is redder than it should. You can’t help but feel a little proud at how hard you hit him. You wouldn’t admit it to Javier but it was the first real ‘punch’ you’d ever landed and you felt fantastic. 

“What are you talking about? I’ve been here for the entire meeting,” Javier says it with such conviction, even you're convinced and you really had been here the entire time. Willis looks between the two of you and starts to slowly nod his head. 

“Yeah, okay I see what you’re doing, Peña. Won’t work. I’m not intimidated. By either of you.”

You decide this is too fun, so you take a step towards him and raise your hand again and he grimaces away from you. You laugh out loud at his cowering form. 

“Yeah. Sure. I’m _positive_ you’re not scared of the Doctor here,” Javier chuckles at his pathetic figure. Javier reaches out and takes your hand, you smile as you swing it at your side. Willis looks disgusted between the two of you. 

“You two are gonna fucking regret this,” he mutters. 

“See ya around, Willis,” Javier smiles and slaps him on the back. He flips the both of you off as exits the room. You start to giggle as you look up at Javier grinning widely. 

“Did he hurt you?” He asks softly. 

“No. He just pissed me off is all,” you drop his hand and turn back to the board. “I had it handled, you know.”

“Oh, I know you did,” Javier steps up next to you and crosses his arms looking at the photos. You both stand in silence for a few minutes as you both try to think of something that you may have missed. “Did you really slap him?”

“Yes.” 

“God, I would’ve loved to see that,” he says as places his arm around your waist and tug on one of your belt loops so you are ridiculously close. If someone were to walk in the two of you were much too close to be just co-workers. He leans down and you feel his breath on your ear but you just keep your arms crossed and stare forward, ignoring his PDA. Finally, he places a soft kiss on the top of your head before he whispers. “I found her.”

“What?” You turn in surprise and stare at Javier. “Why didn’t you say anything?” 

“Can we go somewhere? I don’t wanna discuss this here,” you see his eyes scan nervously behind you. 

“Javier, I don’t like that,” he just nods as he glances at the door with his hands still firmly planted on your waist. “I really don’t like what you’re implying.”

“Trust me?” He says as he reaches out his hand for you to take. 

“Always.” You roll your eyes as you take his hand and he leads you out of the room. You both drop your hands as soon as you leave the room. But you linger behind him just close enough so that he could feel that you were there and it would take no effort at all to reach for your hand again.

____♡____

June - 1993 - Colombia

You grab Javi's arm and yank him harshly away from the group and pull him towards the corner. You can see he is surprised by this motion, and he smirks down at you as if he is expecting something inappropriate. You shove him harshly against the wall and grab his jacket. 

" _What. The. Fuck. Javier._ " Tears are stinging your eyes as you pull him closer. "What the fuck was that?" 

You are holding his jacket so tightly your knuckles are turning white. Javier tries to grab your hands, but you push him away and he hits the wall. 

"What the fuck are you talking about?" He looks down at you with a hurt expression. 

"I was with you. I saw them take him. And now I just saw him hanging from a pole missing his fucking fingers," you look at him frantically. "Fuck, what did you do?"

"Hey, look at me," he grabs your face and looks you in the eyes. "You have no part in this. You aren't involved." 

This doesn't comfort you in the least, and you smack his hand away. 

"I don't care about that! Javi, what did you do? What aren't you telling me?" He puts his hands on his hips and looks at you. You see him bite his lip and look away. You know he is thinking very carefully about what to tell you because whatever it was, it wasn't good. Whatever it was he knew you would be upset. Your mind is racing as you think about what happened the other day with the raid. And suddenly the connection becomes so clear you feel like an idiot.

"Oh Javi….you didn't," you whisper urgently as he looks back at you. "Please tell me you didn't give them the information. Please tell me that's not what happened." 

He just slowly kicks his feet as he nervously bites his lip and avoids eye contact. And you know you have your answer. You take a step back. Your mind begins to spin and you have to lean against the wall.

“Javier, fuck, I don’t - I can’t,” you trip over yourself and stumble back against the wall. 

“This...I did what I thought would help - ”

“What the fuck? Are you out of your goddamn mind Javier? Do you have any idea what this means? Do you have any idea the implications? Fuck. FUCK,” you scream the last word. This turns several heads passing in the hallway. You know you need to calm down, this was not the time or place for this conversation. But your mind is reeling. You look at Javier in horror and you start to try and walk away from him but your legs are shaking too much, so you stumble for support onto the wall. You feel Javier’s hand land on your back and you slap it away in disgust. “Don’t fucking touch me!”

Javier looks perplexed. 

“Can we go somewhere? I need to explain - ”

“No. I’m not going anywhere with you, Peña. You fucking idiot. You goddamn fucking bastard.” 

“Chiquita -” 

“No, don’t you fucking dare. Don’t you fucking try that shit on me. Get the fuck out of my way Javier, or so help me I’ll...I’ll,” you try and think of something threatening to say. But you know, you could never do anything to actually harm Javier Peña. You know that you could never actually do something that could potentially jeopardize his career because you loved him too goddamn much. And he fucking knows it too when you bring your eyes to his and stare at him. “I’ll never speak to you again.”

You both know it’s a lie. It is a huge fucking lie. But you can’t think straight. You can barely move. Javier looks at you for a long moment and determines that he isn’t going to get through to you at this moment. So he just bows his head and backs away. You can tell he wants to say something but he thinks better of it. 

You just stand there for a long time going over every possible scenario in your head, going over every possible road that could’ve led you here. It’s the first time you begin to question your relationship with Javier. Was he really your friend? Could you truly trust him? If he was willing to go behind your back about this….was he going behind your back about other things? How could you ever trust him again when this wasn’t the first time he lied about this case? 

It feels like your entire world is collapsing around you because the one thing that made sense suddenly doesn’t anymore and you’re terrified of that possibility. 

____♡____

July - 1993 - Colombia

Javier was getting nervous. No one had seen or heard from you today. You were supposed to be at this meeting here in Medellín, but your seat was empty. Your absence was noteworthy to everyone because you had never once missed an important debrief like this. Several people had turned to Javier when the question of your absence was brought up, but Javier had shrugged it off as casually as possible. 

Steve collapses into his chair at the desk across from Javier. 

“Are we going to acknowledge the elephant in the room?”

Javier flicks his eyes up at Steve in annoyance but says nothing.

“You seriously aren’t worried about her? Or is there something you’re not telling me?”

“Of course I’m fucking worried, Steve. Not a lot I can do about it is there?”

“Are you fucking kidding me, Javi?” Steve stands up suddenly. “Your girlfriend could be out there in a ditch - ”

Javier jumps up from the desk so suddenly and with so much force that the chair slams into the wall behind him with a loud bang. Javier slams his hands down on the desk with force and stares at Steve. Several eyes turn and look at the two DEA agents in a silent confrontation. 

“Don’t,” Javier finally whispers after a long moment. There is so much strain in his voice and Steve can see the veins in his neck. Javier looks him dead in the eye. “Just fucking don’t.”

“Fine, Javi. You stay here on your ass. I’m going to look for your girlfriend.” 

Steve doesn’t wait for a reply as he grabs the jacket off the back of his chair and makes his way up the stairs. Javier looks after him. He knows he should go with him. Every part of him is screaming from him to follow Steve. But he doesn’t. He grabs another cigarette and flicks the lighter. 

You were just busy. Javier was sure of it. You had to be okay because you were always okay. You were always just a phone call away. 

The phone rings and Javier reaches for it. 

“Peña.”

“Ah, Agent Peña, I finally got through to you.” The gruff voice of Don Berna comes through the receiver. 

“I’ve told you, I’m not interested. Deal’s off,” Javier goes to hang the receiver up, and he hears voices in the background. 

“Ah well, Agent Peña, you see the situation has changed. There might be someone here you would like to talk to.” 

At this, the voices become clearer and Javier's heart sinks when he hears your voice as clear as day arguing loudly with the others. There is an intense shuffling over the phone and he can hear your resistance. 

“I said no, and fuck you. Don’t fucking touch me, creep.” There is a lengthy pause and Javier can hear you presently arguing with the narcos that you won’t talk into the phone. If he wasn’t absolutely terrified for your safety a part of him would be proud of your ability to hold control of a situation. Finally, he hears your voice come over the receiver more clearly. “You fucking prick Berna, Javier don’t listen to them, I’m fine.”

“Chiquita, do what they say. I’m coming for you.”

“No, Javier, please, don’t give them - ” your voice is cut off, and he can hear you pleading with him not to give them what they want. Javier’s feels his fist clenching as a blind rage feels his every sense.

“It would appear we have something you want.” 

“If you fucking touch her, if you lay one finger on her, even the tiniest scratch, I will make sure you know the meaning of pain,” 

Don Berna just laughs at Javier’s threat. 

“You know where to find us. I would hurry, Agent Peña, your girlfriend, is a very beautiful woman.” 

The line goes dead. 

Javier doesn’t think. He moves as if something else is controlling him. He knows that there are voices that call after him as he rushes out of the office but he ignores everything. The only thing that matters is getting to you. 

Javier’s worst fear is coming to life. He always knew that one day his own actions would somehow hurt the people closest to him, and today it had finally caught up to him. He had known that getting involved with Los Pepes was a risk but he took that chance to get to Escobar. But the investigation was no closer to catching Escobar and now he had endangered the one person he knew he cared about. 

He drives carelessly down the twisting roads towards the mansion where he knew Judy and Don Berna were housed. His sole focus was on you. Nothing else mattered. At this moment all that Javier cared about was getting you back. And for the first time in over a decade, the thoughts of catching Escobar and other narcos faded because Javier had more important priorities. 

When he gets to the mansion, he’s greeted as always by the narcos security team, and although he tries to rush past, they are more insistent than normal to look over every inch of his car, and then they take extra care in searching his person. It’s almost as if every single person here is intentionally messing with him just to see how far they can push him. He stands at the front of the house when Berna walks out and throws his arms up in a warm welcome.

“Agent Peña, how great it is to see you again, my friend.” Javier closes the distance in one stride and grabs the collar of his shirt bringing his face next to his. 

“Where is she?” His voice is low. There is an intensity in the way he holds Berna’s eye that for the briefest moment Javier clearly recognizes fear. 

“Javi!”

Javier drops his death grip on Don Berna’s shirt and jerks his head around at the sound of your voice. He turns and sees you at the top of the stairs. He lets out a small sigh when he sees you. But his relief is instantly replaced with dread. 

You are wearing a deeply revealing dress. The neckline plunges down below your belly button and shows off the side curve of your breasts. It’s short in the front and hugs your legs, showing them off perfectly as it gets long in the back and flows out perfectly. You’re in a pair of painfully high looking heels. But it’s the ridiculous amount of make-up that throws Javier off. You don’t look anything like yourself. Your hair is styled in to look huge and blown out. He had never seen you look less like yourself - if he didn’t know you so intimately he wouldn’t have recognized you, in fact, if you hadn’t have called out his name, he isn’t confident he would have been able to recognize you now. 

Usually, Javier wouldn't mind the view, but he is hyper-aware of the amount of prying eyes around here. He sees you reach out your hand from the top of the stairs and he practically jumps to take it. He grabs your hand and looks at your face. You don’t look scared or even angry, you look relieved. 

“Did they hurt you?” Javier grabs both your shoulder and looks over every inch of you. He grabs your chin and moves your head to make sure there aren’t any scratches. He grabs your head and pulls you into his chest. “Did they try anything?”

“No, Javier, they didn’t - I’m fine, just annoyed.” 

He pulls you back holding your face between his hands. You can see the worry in his eyes as he scans your body again. You can see him desperately trying to make sure that you are okay, but you just offer him a neutral expression. You were not exactly pleased to see him here, but you can’t deny the relief you felt when he came charging up the steps to ‘rescue’ you. You just nod your head slightly to indicate that you’re fine and you can see the worry in his eyes turn to rage. He places you behind his body as he whips around and faces the narcos. 

“Do you have a fucking death wish? Kidnapping an American diplomat - ” 

“Agent Peña, come now friend,” Don Berna takes a step forward and pats his shoulder. “Your girlfriend was the only way you would respond to us. Plus she makes great company.”

The way Don Berna glances you up and down then winks enrages Javier. He grabs Berna by the collar of his shirt and pushes him violently into the wall of the house. Berna let’s out a surprise welp as he hits the wall. Javier brings his face level.

“What did you just fucking say?” Javier's voice is low and menacing but Don Berna just laughs in his face. Javier feels something on his arm and looks over to see you tugging on it. He looks at you, pleading with him to calm down, and consider. He looks around and sees every guard within 20 yards pointing their guns at the two of you. You shake your head and grab his arm harder trying to get him to release Berna. He finally relents and Berna brushes himself off while smiling and telling yet another joke about how welcome your presence was here. 

You take Javier’s hand and squeeze it tightly. 

“Just listen to what they have to say,” you whisper. Javier is surprised by this, so he nods his head. If you were willing to listen to the narcos, then Javier could too. The two of you follow the group of narcos into the mansion. Judy Moncada really can’t help gloating about this small victory as she follows behind.

“You know Agent Peña, we had to pay a lot of money to find your weakness. For a while, I thought we might not be able to bribe you. But it just goes to show you, every man has his weakness.” You can hear the smirk in her voice.

You feel your nails digging into Javier’s skin, begging him not to react, pleading that he just sits and listens. You know he wants to defend your honor, but this entire experience had compromised your dignity and now you just wanted to survive. You wanted to survive so you could slap Javier’s stupid face - before kissing him and never ever stopping. You just wanted to survive so that you could tell Javier you loved him again. And hopefully forever. 

He guides you to a couch. You are well aware that Javier is doing his best to cover as much of your body as possible which you are grateful that he recognizes your discomfort. He never lets go of your hand the entire conversation. Despite how tense his body feels you can still feel him rubbing tiny circles on the back of your hand with his thumb. 

Even with all your protests, Javier agrees to help Judy but on his own terms. You try and interrupt him but he doesn’t allow you to voice your opinion. He doesn’t even let you speak. And you want to be furious, you want to be upset - he shouldn’t be breaking the rules for you, he shouldn’t compromise his morals for you. 

But you knew Javier, and you knew there was nothing that could stop him from protecting you. 

Another larger part of you only felt relief. You never doubted he was coming, no, you knew when the car pulled up next to you that morning and Don Berna had stepped out casually smiling, that your relationship was no longer a secret. When you saw his figure out the window all you felt was happiness. And relief. But now as Javier leads you out of the mansion, glaring at the guards who all look at you with a little too much interest, you are starting to feel something else. 

You sit in silence as the car slowly rolls away with the house retreating in the distance. You feel Javier his hand run over your thigh and you just ignore it as you stare out the window. Several minutes pass in silence before you feel his hand interlace with yours and he tries to pull your attention back to him.

“Penny for your thoughts?” He whispers as he brings your hand to his lips. You don’t immediately reply. You tug at the hem of the ridiculous dress you're wearing. You pull the mirror down and see another person staring back at yourself. You make a disgusted sound before you start to try and rub off the ridiculous amount of make-up caking your face. You start to rub your skin a little too hard as you try to get the eye shadow off and you hiss in pain. He reaches over to grab your hand to stop you. “Hey, don’t hurt yourself. We’ll get you home and you can shower.” 

“Don’t touch me, Javier,” you snap as you yank your hand away. Your reaction to his touch surprises you both as he slows down the car slightly to look over at you and you purposely avoid his gaze in embarrassment. 

“Hey, don’t do that,” he grabs your chin and forces you to look him in the eye. “Don’t hide from me.”

“Why? So you can lie to me again? So you can keep lying to me?” The rage in your voice surprises even you. Javier looks at you. You notice the car crawling to a stop as he pulls to the side of the road. 

“Chiquita - “

“Don’t, Javier. Just. Don’t.” 

You hold up your finger and put it up to his lips. “They told me everything. And I have reason to believe them. You promised me it was a one-time thing. _You promised me_.”

Javier doesn’t say anything as you search his face for answers. You had been trying to decide how to process the information Judy had unloaded on you earlier that morning. Were you angry? Of course, Javier had lied to you. But did you understand why he did it? You did. Because you knew how desperate Javier was getting to close this case. But could you forgive him for supplying domestic terrorists with vital information?

You didn’t have an answer to that. 

“I think - well...I don’t,” Javier starts and he drops his head and stares at his hands in his lap. “I don’t have an excuse. I can’t give you an answer.” 

He finally relents. For some reason, this doesn’t hurt you as much as it could’ve. He was being honest. He looks at you and you know he regrets it. You know he regrets that it's gotten to this point. But you don’t fucking care. You don’t care how sorry he is, because for once you really thought he had changed. You believed he had changed. You had believed you were his new priority and that nothing could ever break that. 

“I don’t…..” you try to form the words. “I don’t think I can forgive, Javier.”

You just turn and look at him with a blank expression. 

“I….I know I love you,” you whisper as you feel tears starting to form. “God, Javier I love you. But I can’t - how can I ever - what am I supposed to do with you?”

“I don’t know….” he looks at you. “I don’t have an excuse. I can’t give you that. I don’t think I can give you anything.” 

The way he says it breaks your heart. He sounds so defeated like he had already given up like he already knew his answer. 

“That’s - that’s it then?” You say as you look at him. “This. Everything. It’s - we’re done?”

Javier looks at you. And for the second time in your time of knowing Javier Peña you see tears forming in his eyes. He didn’t cry. He never cried. You hadn’t seen him cry with Carrillo. Or when you had gotten the news of his brother’s cancer diagnosis. Or even when he got the call about his uncle’s death. But when it came to you, the thought that he had finally done enough to drive you away, well, he could cry. But as you stare at him, really considering him, you watch his face harden slightly and his grip on the steering tighten. 

“If that’s what you want, I’m not going to stop you,” he whispers. 

You just turn and stare out the front window. You can’t think straight and the sudden realness of everything floors over you and your stomach churns. You grapple for the handle on the car door. You stumble out of the car. You don’t make it far before you are heaving up the content of your stomach in a bush. It burns the back of your throat and you stand hunched over with your hands on your knees catching your breath. 

You feel his hand rubbing up and down the exposed skin of your back. He doesn’t say anything as you stand up and look at him. You begin to sob, the kind of sob where you lose control of your body, where you shake and sniffle, where you can barely stand. But Javier stands there and holds you against his chest for as long as it takes for you to calm down. You don’t know how long you stand there - but it feels like hours later that he is slowly guiding you to the car. He gently puts you in the front seat and drives you home without uttering another word.

When you get to your apartment, your security team is already there, waiting for you. Given that they had allowed for their subject to be kidnapped in broad daylight, Javier had some rather strong words with them as you slipped into the bathroom to change. You decide to jump into the shower to scrub every last bit of whatever ridiculous make-up or glamorous perfume Judy Moncada had forced you into. When the hot water starts to turn warm instead of hot, you step out of the shower. You realize that you might be alone. If Javier left, without a goodbye then you were alone in this tiny apartment. You want to scream as you jerk open the door.

But there he is, perched on the couch, his shoulders slumped forward as he nurses another glass of whiskey. He looks up at your sudden appearance in nothing but a towel and he raises his eyebrows in question. 

“I thought you left,” you say shyly. 

“I wouldn’t leave without saying goodbye,” he pushes himself off the couch and approaches you cautiously. You reach for him and he brings you into his arms, softly kissing the top of your head. “Especially not after today. Not after I thought I lost - “

He stops mid-sentence and lets the words just hang there for a long moment.

“Will you just promise me something?” you whisper. 

“Anything.”

“Just promise me you’ll stay. With me, tonight. And always. I don’t know if I can forgive you Javier, but I can’t not have you in my life. That would kill me. I know it would,” you confess. 

He doesn’t respond. He just puts his hand under your chin and tilts it up so he is looking at you. He looks so decidedly sad, you can see his heartbreaking as you reach on your tiptoes and kiss him gently on the tip of his nose. He closes his eyes and rests his forehead on yours. You both stand there like that for a long time, absorbing each other’s presence, willing yourself to be present, and praying that forgiveness comes quickly. 

____♡____

Late July - 1993 - Colombia

You got to work early. Javier hadn’t been there when you woke up this morning. It was normal for him to leave your house early, he liked to have a few quiet moments to himself in the mornings. You don’t blame him. You could be a monster if you didn’t sleep enough the night before. So it wasn’t abnormal for you to wake up to an empty space in your bed. But this morning it felt strange. It felt like there was more missing than just Javier. 

Yes, things had been different since your ‘kidnapping’ three days ago. But you were still terrified. You were so panicked every night before bed that you would end up calling Javier begging him to come sleep next to you, despite your reservations about your future together. Within minutes he was on the doorstep of your tiny Medellín apartment, arms open, willing to sit with you all night if it meant you’d sleep better. 

You knew you just needed time. You had convinced yourself that if you just gave yourself time you could find it in yourself to trust Javier again. And he seemed determined to give you that. You knew why Javier had done what he did. You didn’t fault him for wanting to catch Escobar. You couldn’t blame him for feeling frustrated after a decade of chasing the Narcos with Carrillo, having to watch his partner be gunned down, and not being able to get justice for him. You knew how he felt because you felt it too. You were sick of the politics, of the rules, of the bureaucracy at every turn. But you knew how important it was to follow the rules because it’s what separated you from them. 

And with Javier’s indiscretion, those lines had blurred. 

You wanted to forgive him. You wanted to forgive him so badly. You were willing to do anything to make it work. So now he told you every detail of his day. Every time he saw you he filled you in on every little thought he had, sometimes to a fault. He would tell you if he saw an attractive woman and felt guilty, every detail of the investigation and what he was doing, an annoying commercial he might have seen, a song that was stuck in his head, he even would tell you how often he thought about having sex at the office. This new side of Javier was refreshing, but it felt like he was overcompensating. Why couldn’t he have been this honest with you to begin with? 

Despite things still feeling wrong after you double checked everything in your apartment this morning, you decided it must be your paranoia getting to you again, something you and Javier were trying to work and get under control. You left for work early to try and enjoy a quiet moment with Javier before work pulled you in different directions. 

The boys’ desks were still empty and so you plop into Javier’s chair to wait. You notice that Javier’s desk is unusually neat. His desk was never this neat. You always teased him because you couldn’t stand how messy he kept things, you thought it made your work performance sloppy but somehow he always knew where to find things and he was the best damn agent you knew, so obviously whatever system he had worked. 

You glance at the clock. Javier should be here. With your coffee and a pick-me-up. You fiddle with one of the desk drawers, when you open it you find it strangely empty. Maybe you really were affecting the way Javier organized his life. A small smile appears on your face, but it vanishes the moment you hear a voice break the silence.

“You didn’t hear then?” You don’t even look up as you slam the drawer close and stand, wanting to avoid any conversation that was about to follow. He is standing with his arms crossed smirking at you. 

“What the fuck do you want Stechner?” You cross your arms and stare at him. 

“I just assumed you’d be seeing your boyfriend off at the airport. That’s all.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Wow. He didn’t even tell you. That’s cold. Even for Peña. That is cold…” he shakes his head as he starts to walk down the hall towards the elevator. For a second, you consider brushing him off, ignoring it completely, but Stechner doesn’t do anything unless he wants to get under your skin. So that must mean he knows something about Javier. You roll your eyes as you march after him. 

“Just fucking tell me what you mean. I don’t have time for the games today, Bill.”

The smug grin on his face is enough to make you regret continuing this conversation. And you almost walk away before he even replies, but his next words make your heart stop. 

“He’s leaving. Reassigned, I believe is the term they’re using. But we both know the truth don’t we?” he smiles at you as the elevator door chimed open. He climbs in and presses the button. “I would hurry if you want to see him again. His flights in, oh wow, 40 minutes. Give him a kiss from me.” 

The door closes and you don’t have time to wipe the shocked expression off your face. Of course, he was lying. Javier wasn’t going to up and leave without saying goodbye. No, of course not. Javier wasn’t like that, not anymore. Not with you. 

You shake your head. He was just trying to get under your skin. And you weren’t going to let him. But then you start to let the doubt crawl under your skin. He had lied to you for weeks about giving the information to Los Pepes. He had lied to you about stopping. You hadn’t exactly forgiven him yet, you were still unsure of how you felt about the entire situation. You could see Javier’s point of view, you really could. But on a fundamental level, you knew what he did was immoral. So you were left grappling with how to cope with loving someone when they made a terrible choice- but for the right reasons, even if it didn’t make it any less of a terrible choice. 

But he knew you still loved him. He had to know that. And he still cared for you. He had made it clear, he wanted to be with you. 

So Javier Peña would never leave you here… Right?

You hurry to your office and are surprised to see a secretary smiling up at you in front of a huge display of bright pink flowers. 

“Lovely flowers from your secret admirer again, boss.” 

As soon as she says it you have your answer. You don’t even enter your office. You turn on your heels and run out of CNP headquarters. You scream at your security team to use whatever means necessary to get you to the airport in exactly 10 minutes - a physical impossibility, but it didn’t stop you from screaming at them to try. 

As soon as pulled up to the curb, your feet are hitting the pavement and you’re running. You’re running through the terminal, pushing your way through people, yelling at them to move, proclaiming that you are a United States agent on important business. 

But it didn’t matter.

You see Steve standing at the end of the terminal looking off towards the gates. And that’s when you know, you know - _he’s gone_.

Steve sees your face and doesn’t say anything as he walks towards you and pulls you into his arms. He doesn’t say anything for a long time. You can’t do anything. You can’t feel anything. Nothing is working. Your brain shut off the second you saw Steve. The moment you realized he was really gone the world stopped moving. 

You can’t feel anything. You don’t feel your legs give out as Steve supports your weight. He helps you over to a chair. You can hear him trying to say something and you are willing yourself to listen. You need to hear him. But he’s…...gone. 

Javier Peña left you. 

Javier Peña left you. 

Javier Peña left you. 

The words repeat over and over in your head. Taunting you. 

Javier Peña left you. 

He left you here. Alone. 

Javier Peña abandoned you. 

How could he have abandoned you here….after he promised you he loved you? He had promised you that his love meant he would never leave. 

He promised. He swore on his life, that you were his everything. 

“Hey!” Steve is snapping his fingers in front of your face. “I need you to keep it together. I gotta get you home.”

“No, I need to get to work.”

It’s the first thing you know to say. It’s the only thing you know to say. Your voice is dry, and it cracks as you finally look at Steve. He’s kneeling in front of you trying to keep your attention. You shake him off and stand up. “I have to get back to work.” 

“Doc, you can’t be serio - “

“I have to get back to work, Steve!” Your voice is shrill and so loud that a few people around you stop to look in your direction. You don’t acknowledge them and instead glare in Steve’s direction. “You do too. I expect the intel report by noon.” 

You turn and start to walk. You can’t think. You can’t feel. Nothing makes any sense. 

But you can walk. You could take one step at a time. If you could just take one step and then another one after that you could get through this- you could get through today. You convinced yourself that if you could live through the next 10 seconds, then the following 10 seconds would be easier, and so on and so forth. So you counted to 10 over and over on the ride to the embassy. And by the time you arrive, you had convinced yourself somehow Javier Peña was just a fever dream. 

The rest of the day was spent in the same haze. Whenever his name was mentioned, you pretended to not know what the person was referring to, which led to some rather awkward conversations. But you didn’t care. Javier Peña wasn’t real. He couldn’t be. No one that perfect existed. No one could cause you this much pain. Love was not allowed to hurt this much. That wasn’t how it worked. 

By the time you were ready to leave, there was an actual part of yourself that was convinced you had dreamed up a part of Javier. That you couldn’t possibly love him as much as you believed you had this morning. All these thoughts come crashing down when there’s a knock on your door and Steve is standing there looking at you with the saddest expression in his big blue eyes.

“Hey,” is all he says as he walks in and plops down across from you. 

You just smile at him as you continue to read over the documents in front of you. There are several long minutes of silence. You don’t plan on saying anything because you are content not acknowledging the elephant in the room. 

“I told him I’d never forgive him,” he finally whispers in the dead quiet of the room.

You slam your pen down. 

“I am not having this conversation here. Not today. Not here,” you say forcefully. 

“Fine,” Steve stands. “But I did promise I would give this to you.” 

He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a small envelope. You see your name scribbled on it in Javier’s messy writing. You don’t take it from Steve’s hand. You just stare at it. You don’t want it. You don’t want to take it because it would make everything real. Taking the letter felt like you were giving your consent like you were conceding to Javier in a way, and you didn’t want him to win. 

Your stubbornness crawls back and your hand doesn’t move to take the letter. You just stare at it. Steve sees your hesitation. He nods and sets it down on the side of the desk. He reaches over and puts his hand on your shoulder. He doesn’t say anything just squeezes it with a small nod. You smile at him and put your hand on top of his and squeeze back. 

Steve turns and retreats out of the room. You continue to work. Occasionally your eyes flick over to the letter placed precariously on the edge of your desk. When it’s time to leave, you casually sweep all the trash on your desk into the bin - including the letter. 

You go to leave but your eyes land on the trash bin one last time. You sigh and go back to retrieve the letter from the bin. You make it all the way to the car before the need to know its contents becomes overwhelming and you rip it open and your eyes scan the page. As you read the words reality begins to really and truly hit you. 

That’s when the tears come. 

And they don’t stop. 

You reread and reread his letter. Over and over. You analyze every word. Every single word is another sting in your heart. You need to understand it. You need to understand what he was thinking when he was writing this. You think that by looking closely enough at the words, you can figure it out. You can unlock whatever Javier hadn’t told you. You know that if you stare at it long enough you can bring him back, you just know that you know Javier so well at this point that you can solve this riddle he left.

He had thought through this. Last night he had spent it with you. He knew he was leaving. Had something happened? What was it that Javier had so clearly not wanted to share with you? Had he been acting off and you had been too absorbed in your work to notice? 

If you stare at the words long enough, you know you will find the answer. 

Finally, at 2 am you let yourself read it one last time:

_Chiquita,_

_I wanted to say sorry for this in person, but I know you and I know you would never let me leave like this. I know you would never let me leave you here. They’re sending me home and you’re staying here to finish the job. You’re not sacrificing this for me. Or anyone._

_You are more than I ever deserved. You are more than anyone person could ever deserve. I want you to find happiness, and I know that happiness doesn’t include a man like me. I can’t ask you to forgive me. You are too special and too important to be involved with a shitty, old man like me. I was too selfish to see what I was sacrificing, and I hurt you. I only kept hurting you. Please find the happiness you deserve. It isn’t with me. It could never have been with me, and I think we both know that. Please know how much you mean to me, as a friend. My best friend. And you will always be the only person I think I’ve ever truly loved. Know that I’ll never forget you. You will always be my everything._

_\- Your Javi_

You take a long drag of your cigarette as you look over the words one last time. Then grabbing the lighter, you tuck the letter inside the small envelope and set it on fire. You watch it burn down to the tips of your fingers, willing yourself to forget its contents and its sender. Because for you, it was time to get back to work. 

**____♡____**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> follow me on tumblr and help shape (or end) the story! @perropascal


	11. (diez) - canyon moon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> you try & move on with your life in colombia, it’s not easy.

____♡____

August - 1993 - Colombia

You aren’t sure if time still exists, yet somehow it still passes. The one thing you are sure of is you’re still here, and _he’s not._

____♡____

September - 1993 - Colombia

“Okay, Livie! It’s time to say goodbye to your favorite auntie!” 

You think you might hear your name, but more than likely it’s just a mix of incoherent babbles mixed with a sound that might possibly sound like your name in some way - either way your heart fills at the adorableness of your adopted niece.

“Bye Liv, I hope I get to see you very very soon,” you coo through the phone. 

“Promise me you are going to take care of yourself? Please,” Connie pleads through the phone. “Steve tells me - “

“Steve’s a drama queen. You of all people should know that Connie,” you don’t need to hear this lecture again. Not again. Connie had been calling you every other day for the past month and a half. She claims it was to check in on Steve, but you had a very odd feeling that isn’t the whole truth, but you never question her about it.

“Okay, but Steve tells me things sweetie, and it makes me worry.”

In truth, you are always relieved to hear her voice. Since _he_ left, you had been left dangerously low on friends here in Colombia. Your only comfort is coming home to your four-legged companions at night, but they lack a certain connection that you crave. A human connection. Someone that can listen, because this job takes so much from your day in and day out. Someone who understands exactly what it means to have to go work every day, and the realities that you face there. Once again the feeling of just how badly you want to talk to him comes crashing in around you and you have to clutch your stomach until the feeling passes. 

“ - I understand. I do, but you cannot keep doing this to yourself. Steve is really worried about you. And frankly, I am too,” you realize Connie had decided to give you the lecture anyway, but you had spaced out for most of it. 

“You’re right, Connie. I need to be better. I’m going to work on it. But I really need to go, just got another page from work. Talk soon?” It was a lie. And you are pretty sure she knows it’s a lie. There wasn’t a page from work. But you can’t keep talking, not when everything always ends up leading back to him.

“Say hi to Steve!” You hear Connie call as you hang up the receiver. 

“I will, I promise. Bye, Connie. Love you Liv,” you hang up the phone. 

You stand still for a moment and try and steady your breathing. But it does nothing to contain the anger that bubbles to the surface, and you angrily throw the receiver across the room and it smashes into pieces as you let out an exhausted, anguished scream. 

You watch as the cats scatter in all different directions. You sink to your knees and stare at the shattered pieces of the phone. You know you need to clean it up. But you can’t. You can’t bring yourself to get up and do it. You can’t even bring yourself to apologize to Mittens as he peeks around the corner to see if it’s safe to enter the room again. So you sink further down and lay down with your head pressed into the carpet. And you start to sob, and the tears never really stop, because at some point you exhaust yourself and you fall asleep like that - face first on the floor of your house, with three cautious cats snuggling up around you, doing their best to keep you company. 

____♡____

October - 1993 - Colombia

It’s Sunday. 

Weekends now mean you wake up in the late morning, sometimes even well into the afternoon, you go for a long run, sometimes purposefully running in more dangerous neighborhoods, just because maybe if he knows you’re in danger he’ll appear like he had all those times before. Then on Saturdays, it’s dinner and beers with Steve. On Sundays, it’s dinner and drinks with Carrillo and family. 

After dinner, while Carrillo’s wife and kids clean up, you push him out to the small patio to enjoy a smoke and a drink, though he never mentions when you fail to touch your drink. 

Most of the time it’s spent with the two of you in comfortable silence. He never asks about the case. You know he wants to know, but he never asks because there is too much unspoken pain between the two of you. 

Tonight, however, you notice he’s turned his head to stare at you. 

“Got something on your mind?” You ask as you take another drag and lean back in the chair. 

“He asked about you.”

“Who?” You're confused. 

“Javier. He seems concerned about your health.”

You're taken aback by this. One, you didn’t know Javier still cared about you given he hadn’t expressed the slightest amount of concern about you himself. Two, you didn’t know Javier was still in contact with any of the still working the case. You know he was given pretty clear instructions to stay out of any involvement in the case, so it didn’t jeopardize it any further. 

“Well, he knows where to find me,” there is no masking the bitterness in your voice. You are somehow very sure that Carrillo has been able to piece together that something happened between the two of you and so there is no point in hiding it. He remains silent as he turns his head and looks back over the city. You finish your cigarette and you are about to push Carrillo back inside, but he stops you silently asking for a few more minutes. You nod your head in understanding and sit down next to him. 

“I will only say that he cares for you very deeply. But you already know,” he just stares off into the night. You don’t reply because you don’t know how. You don’t think Javier Peña cares about you at all. You don’t think he cares about you one tiny bit. Because if he did he wouldn’t have left you here. But you stay silent as you try and hold back the tears that always threaten to spill over whenever his name was mentioned. “He wanted me to make sure you’re sleeping. And taking the vitamins you need to help with your headaches.”

You turn and stare at Carrillo. You’re speechless. Javier Peña had really called Carrillo just to discuss your sleeping habits? He had told Carrillo about your _headaches_? No. He wouldn’t do that because he doesn’t care about you. Why didn’t he just call you himself if he cared so fucking much? 

“I’m sorry, Horacio. You must have me mistaken for someone else.” He looks at you for a moment, waiting for you to explain further. “Javier Peña doesn’t care for me. Not anymore.”

He doesn’t reply, just nods his head in understanding. 

“Hopefully, one day, you will leave Colombia, Doctor. I hope then you can see things a little differently when you are far away from this place.”

You give him a sad smile. You know what he is trying to say, and you want to believe him. You want to believe that leaving Colombia will somehow magically heal your heart. You want to believe that if you could just catch Escobar if you could just finally finish the job, things might finally be okay. Your life might be able to take on some semblance of normalcy. But you know that isn’t true. You know the things you’ve seen, you know the things you’ve done - and you know there is no coming back from this. And Javier knew it too, that’s why he left you here. 

You are starting to understand it better, and although you aren’t sure you can ever forgive him, you finally might understand him. You turn back, gazing at the fading lights of Bogotá over the horizon. You would leave Colombia someday, but you had a job to finish first, even if it killed you. 

____♡____

Early November - 1993 - Bogotá, Colombia

“No, you gotta aim higher than that,” Steve mutters as he adjusts your hold on the shotgun. 

“I am aiming high, Stephen.”

“Well, then aim higher than whatever the fuck you think aim higher means.” 

He tilts his cup of coffee towards you, and you see the twinkle in his eye behind those stupid sunglasses. He’s enjoying this. He’s fucking loving every second of watching you struggle to hit these stupid goddamn birds. 

“What if I turn around and aim this at your fucking face, Stephen?”

“Are you threatening violence, Doc? Cause I can think of someone who would love to hear - ”

“Don’t say it!” 

You whip around a little too fast. A little too fast for someone holding a loaded shotgun. Steve jumps forward and points the shotgun down taking it out of your hands. 

“I wasn’t going to say - ” you can see him clench his jaw before he speaks again. “How long is it gonna be like this, kid?” 

You look at the ground, shame and sadness paint your features. Steve throws the shotgun over his back and puts his arms out in front of him. You just walk into him and he wraps his arms around you in a tight embrace. 

To others, your friendship with Steve might seem weird, maybe even borderline inappropriate. But it wasn’t like that, not even a little bit. Steve was, in every sense of the word, your big brother. His anger towards Javier hadn’t subsided in the last few months. You knew the two of them still regularly spoke, although Steve never mentioned it. Or _him_ in general. 

He made sure to find ways to keep your time outside the office occupied, finding random excuses to make his way to Bogotá. Or asking for extra support in Medellín, when you knew full well it wasn’t necessary. He had taken you hunting the past few weekends, to his utter surprise after you asked him. For some reason holding a gun felt good all of a sudden. The rush you felt when you pulled the trigger, the tingle in your fingers as the gun rocked back, the shaking in your eardrum, the anticipation of if it hit - you craved it now. So today he had taken you to a small area outside Bogotá to hunt some form of a bird, you weren’t sure, you hadn’t been fully paying attention, because it was more about the distraction than the actual activity. 

You pull back from Steve and wipe the tears from your eyes. 

“Can I ask you something, Steve? And you won’t lie to me, not anymore.”

He pulls out a cigarette and offers you one but you wave it away. 

“You quittin’?”

“I never started,” he lifts his eyebrows at you, in that ‘ _yeah, right_ ’ Steve way that pisses you off as he continues to hold the pack in your direction, and you slap his hand away. You hear him chuckle as he flicks the lighter. “I know you are still talking to him.”

Steve freezes ever so slightly, you can see in the way his shoulders tense, but he plays it cool.

“I’m not sure I know what you mean, Doc.”

Now it’s your turn to cross your arms and give him a look. At first, Steve ignores you as he swings the shotgun off his shoulder and cocks it before aiming it at a small group of birds perched on a nearby tree. You don’t even flick at the sound as it fires and the birds scatter in all different directions, one tragically falls limply to the ground. 

“You see, Doc, you aim high,” he swings the shotgun back around but you don’t stop your stare, but Steve continues to ignore you. “I wouldn’t usually use a shotgun on these little guys, but desperate times, right partner?”

You don’t reply, shifting your weight to one side and putting your hands on your hips as you start to tap your foot impatiently. Steve can tell you aren’t going to drop the topic as he turns to start walking towards the recently deceased bird. He finally turns, walking backward, and looks at you.

“I’m not getting in the middle of this. It isn’t my problem.” 

“So you are talking to him?” You rush to catch up.

“Yes,” he answers you, exasperated. 

“Is...is he doing okay?” It sounds stupid as you ask it. And you kick yourself. But it’s a real question. You do want to know if he is doing okay, you need to know that he is at the very least okay. 

Steve doesn’t answer, only giving you another one of his signatures looks. 

“Please, Steve. I just want to know that he is alive at least, I mean I haven’t heard from him in months and I know he hates me - ”

“Whoa, you can’t be serious?” Steve stops you by putting his hand up and you can see he looks genuinely baffled. “You think Javier hates you?”

“Yes?” You state it more as a question, suddenly unsure of where this conversation is going. “I thought that was obvious to everyone?”

“Doc, Javier Peña does not hate you. I don’t think that could ever even be a possibility. Not in this universe at least.” 

You tilt your head at him considering his words. You can’t really process whatever he just said. Of course, Javier hated you, that’s why he left you here, and for Steve to pretend otherwise was strange. He takes you by the shoulders and looks you dead in the eye. “Javier could never hate you. Fuck, I shouldn’t be the one telling you this.”

“No, you really shouldn’t be…” your voice trails off as confusion paints your features. Steve releases your shoulder with an angry ‘fuck’ before turning and continuing his path towards his dead bird prize. But you are frozen in place considering his words. “Wait, Steve!” He turns around and looks at you as he flicks his cigarette to the side. “Did he...did he say those words exactly? That he….that he didn’t hate me?”

“Doc, I’m not - I can’t tell -….Javier doesn’t hate you. You just gotta believe me on this one.” 

“Okay…” Steve can hear the skepticism in your voice but chooses to ignore it. “Well, can you just let him know, from me, that I don’t need him to worry about me anymore? I am perfectly capable of moving on, and being fine without him.”

“Are you?” Steve turns again and looks at you with a smirk. You continue to follow behind him in stride kicking the dirt in his direction. 

“I will have you know I have been through many break-ups before Javier - ” your voice breaks when his name finally escapes your lips and you have to clear your throat and look at Steve who is looking at you with such pity that you consider punching him in the gut. “This isn’t my first break-up, Steve. And it won’t be my last, I am sure.”

Steve kneels down and picks up the tiny dead bird's limp body and proudly shows it off. You roll your eyes in disgust. The shotgun had made it impossible to actually consider this a hunting trip since the poor little bird's body is basically shattered and you make a noise of disgust. Steve smiles as he holds it then tosses it in your direction. You scream as you jump back and run in the opposite direction. 

____♡____

November - 1993 - Colombia

The phone rings and your eyes shoot open. You jump up in your bed as you comprehend the noise. You groggily look around in a haze of sleepiness as you stumble up out of your bed, tripping over the slumbering figure of a cat, who lets out an angry hiss in your direction as you reach for the phone and pick it up.

"Hello?" You mumble into the phone. 

"I really didn't expect you to answer," your eyes widened at the sound of his voice. You are so completely frozen in shock that you just sit there, wide-eyed. So many emotions run through your body in a matter of seconds - longing, anger, fear, love, loss, - that you can’t register how to respond to him. "Chiquita, did you already fall back asleep?"

Your stomach turns at his term of endearment, quickly followed by a wave of red-hot anger. 

"You fucking asshole," you hiss through the phone. "You are such a Goddamn asshole, Peña. Fuck. You." He is silent at this and you fill tears filling your eyes. "What do you want?"

"I needed to hear your voice," he whispers. "And make sure you're holding up okay down there."

"I'm fine. Just fine, Javier," You say as you wipe the tears away. "You don't get to do this. Not now."

"Do what?"

"Act like you suddenly care. About me. About us. About anything," there is a very long pause on the other line and you can hear him take a drag from his cigarette and you have to stop yourself from picturing him. You have to stop yourself from thinking of him with the phone pressed to his ear as he is slouched over on some couch in his Father's house.

"I deserve that."

"You deserve a lot more than that, Peña," you snap. "God, why am I even talking to you? Goodbye." You are about to hang up the phone when you hear his voice breaking through the line.

"Please- please, just….don't hang up, please," there is a desperation in his voice that makes you stop and you bring the phone back up to your ear and sigh. You hated this. You hated how deeply you still cared. You hated that you need to know if he was okay. 

"Are you okay, Javier?" You whisper back, defeated. "I can tell you've been drinking."

"Really? Just from this, you can tell." 

"I know you pretty well, Javi. Especially the grumpy, sulky old man you become when you drink," you can hear a half chuckle from the other end of the phone. Your heart aches hearing him. And you realize just how much you had missed him. You had tried to block out all the feelings that came after Javier had left without saying goodbye. Spending every waking hour occupying your time and not allowing room for any sort of emotional breakdown. But just hearing his voice, drunk on the phone late at night was enough to break all the walls you had built. "What's wrong, Javi? I know you didn't call me in the middle of the night to have me call you an asshole."

The other end is silent for a moment. "I just needed…. to hear you."

"Well…. this is you hearing me."

"No that's not true, the truth is I- I needed-" he hesitates. "I needed to make sure you don't hate me. I haven't been sleeping thinking of you and how much you must hate me. God, you must hate me so much and I can't fucking bear it. And I needed to know if…."

"Oh, Javier, you have to know that I could never hate you," you lean back against the chair and slide down a little further. You realize that despite the anger you harbored towards him, you weren't ready to stop talking to him. "Dislike strongly, maybe. Resent, sure. Want to slap across the face, definitely. But I could never hate you. No matter how hard I try. And trust me, I've tried." 

You both chuckle slightly at this and you can hear him release a deep breath like he had been holding it just waiting for the worst.

"I don't deserve you. _Fuck_ , I never deserved you."

"Yeah, I know," you hum in response. 

"Is there any way you will ever be able to forgive me?"

"Depends," you ponder.

"On what?" 

"On how good a Javier Peña apologize is." 

"You are such a smartass," you can hear his smirk through the phone. 

"An interesting start, not the direction I would have gone, but continue." 

There is a pregnant pause and you hear Javier take a deep breath before jumping into a clearly rehearsed speech.

"I couldn't bring myself to say goodbye because the thought of that being the last time - the thought that I might never see you again was too much. I couldn't stand that thought."

"Why…. why would you think that was the last time?" you ask quietly, confused by his logic.

"Well, I didn't think you would want to… I don't know. Continue with, whatever it was we had after what went down with…. well, once life went back to normal. In the states, I mean." 

You are silent for a moment as you consider Javier's words. His words sting you a little at the thought that he would think you wouldn't want him, regardless of the circumstance. You rub your eyes and let out a long sigh.

"I think you are forgetting a very big promise you made me, Peña."

"Yeah, what's that?"

"You promised me a road trip across Texas. Show me all the sights. I really don't want to have to do that without you." 

"You would willingly come to Texas, without me?" You tilt your head and consider it for a second.

"You know? When you're right Javier Peña, you're right. You are my only reason to come to Texas. So...should I start trying to find another?" Your words hang in the air for a moment, and you know Javier is taking his time to think it over before answering. 

"No," he whispers so quietly you pull the phone closer. "No, I really don't want you to have any other reason."

"Then say it."

"Say what?"

"Say the real reason you called or I'm hanging up. And you won't hear from me again."

"I told you - I needed to know -"

"No, Javier. Tell me the reason you're up this late thinking about me. Tell me the reason you care so much if I hate you or not. Tell me the _real_ reason you left me here without so much as a fucking goodbye."

"I…." Javier stammers over the phone and your heart clenches in your chest. "I'm not sure I understand…."

"Then I'm afraid this is goodbye, Javier Peña because I really can't do this with you anymore."

"WAIT!" Javier shouts through the phone. "Please, no, just…." you can hear him take a long breath and you know he's thinking carefully about what he says next and so you wait. You knew you'd always wait a little longer when it came to Javier. As badly as a part of you wanted to hang up the phone, because still after all this time, he was too stupid to admit his feelings to you - you would always wait a little longer for Javier Peña. Always. 

"I called you tonight because every single thought I've had since I got on that plane has been about you. Everywhere I go all I can think about is you. When something happens all I can think about is how badly I need to tell you about it. Anything. The stupidest things happen and I desperately need to share them with you. I fucking miss my best friend. Fuck. I miss everything about you. Everything. How you make little songs up to remember things and then they get stuck in my head. How you have to stop to pet every Goddamn stray cat in Colombia. Or on those mornings when you would give yourself those little pep talks and you thought I couldn't hear them."

"You heard me?" you whisper in the dark. 

"Yes. I always listened at the door, it helped my mornings too, you know."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. And fuck, I miss your back massages. My pop has me working out here and every night I think about how badly I wish I could feel your hands again. Just...just to hold them. Just to hold you. Just to have you close….I….shit, I am not good at this...fuck am I ruining this?"

"I think you're doing a pretty good job."

"There isn't enough time for me to explain all the ways I miss you. All the ways I think of you. God, I think about how sad you look when you see someone begging on the street because you have such a big heart because you just care so fucking much about people. You care because you are good. You are just a good person. A great fucking person. And fuck, you are the most intelligent person I've ever met. And you always want to learn more just because.... you can. You're always reading your books. I mean lost count of the number of times you stayed up late finishing one of those mystery novels you love so much but pretend not to," he pauses for a minute. You realize that there are tears stinging your eyes. "How the fuck did you ever love me? I know why I love you. Fuck, I love you. I know you're the only person that I could ever love. It doesn't matter how long I live. You're it. But how could you ever love me? How could someone as perfect as you ever be with someone like me." 

You let out a choked out laugh through your tears. 

"Is that what you're worried about?" You smile through the phone and bite your lip to try and contain the warm feeling growing inside.

"Yes! Look at you! You're perfect. You deserve everything in the world. You don't deserve someone like me. I have nothing to give you, nothing to offer you." 

"Javi….you're everything. Don't tell me what I do or don't deserve. I deserve to be with a person the shows me how much they care about me and - ”

“That person isn’t me. I fucking left. I fucking left you because I’m a selfish asshole. Because I didn’t want to live in a world where you weren’t mine. I couldn’t live with that thought. I would have rather suffered like this every single day than picture you with another person. How fucking selfish is that?”

“Javier Peña, I know what I deserve. And I am not going to let some drunk old _man_ tell me differently.”

“But why did you love me? There isn’t a logical reason why you would stay with me?”

“Wait, you are afraid I’d leave you? Because I’d find someone better?” The silence on the other end of the phone is deafening. After a minute when he doesn’t reply, you whisper out a quiet, “Javier, please talk to me.” 

“I fucked up.” 

“Yes, you really did. But…” your voice trails off for a moment. ”Why didn’t you just tell me Javi? Why didn’t you just tell me they were sending you home?”

“I didn’t want you to get dragged into my shitstorm.”

“Pretty sure that went out the window when they kidnapped me to blackmail into doing their bidding, but yeah sure, I’m no longer in a shitstorm, Javier. You did it. Great job.”

“That’s.... extremely fair. I deserve that, again.”

You wait for him to continue but are only greeted by silence, so you blurt out what you have wanted to tell him, what you wanted him to know all this time. 

“You know, I would’ve come with you in an instant. I would’ve quit in a heartbeat. I wouldn’t have looked back. You’re what matters to me. You’re all that matters.”

“I told you, I don’t want you to give this up for anyone. Especially not me, I’m not worth it.”

“Yes, you are,” you whisper. “But that wasn’t your decision to make Javier. That wasn’t your choice. It was mine. And I would’ve chosen you. I would always choose you.”

There is a very long pause now as you both take in the words. 

“Fuck, I choose you too. If I could I would go back and I would never have gotten on that plane.”

“No, that’s not how this works. You don’t get to remake this decision, Jav. You got on the plane. You left. So now what?”

“Can we at least still be friends? I know you might never want to see me again and I understand but I need you in my life, these past few months have been agony. Not having my best friend to talk to about some of the shit my pop puts me through - ”

“Oh really? You want to complain about your job on some farm in Texas, while I’m getting shot at by sicarios? Seriously, Jav? You wanna do this while you're trying to say sorry?”

“They’re putting you in the field more? Who’s allowing that? Are you at least carrying a gun? Tell me you’re going with Steve at least?”

You pause for a second before you start to laugh at how absurd this is. Javier had called you in the middle of the night to apologize for leaving you in the middle of this war zone, only to end up chastising you for possibly not being safe because that’s how much he cares about you. You start to laugh because it’s the only thing you can think to do. Javier Peña was the most absurd person you had ever met, and fuck if you didn’t miss him with every fiber of your being.

“It’s not funny, you know Steve is the only one I trust to protect you, and if they try anything and make you do anything you’re uncomfortable with they will have to answer to me. Personally.” 

“I know Javi, I know. Trust me, they know too,” you wipe a few tears away from your eyes. “God, I want to forgive you. I want to forgive you so badly. But….you left me here. You left me after you promised you’d always protect me. You swore you’d never leave me, Javier. I just, how can I know you won’t pull this shit again?”

“I know. And I am not asking you to forgive me. I can’t ask you to forgive me. But maybe we can work on being friends again, eventually, if that’s something you’re okay with?” 

You think to yourself for a minute as you pathetically sniffle into the phone. “Hmm. Yeah, I could maybe see us being friends again.”

“Are you going to write a contract for this one?”

“No, because you would end up ignoring it. I know you, Peña.”

“You do. Which is unfortunate for you.”

“I could argue with you, but I really don’t feel like it.”

“Now there is something I’d never thought I’d hear you say.”

You hum and let silence fill the air for a minute. You can hear his breathing, the subtle shift of his body position, him taking another sip of his whiskey and your heart fills with a deep longing. “I miss you so much, Jav. God, I really do miss you more than thought possible.”

“I wish I could...well, I miss you too,” Javi replies coolly. “I don’t think my pop has ever seen me so down, not since my high school sweetheart broke my heart.” 

“Who? Lorianne?”

“How...how’d you know her name? I never mentioned it.”

“Yes, you did, you buffoon. I remember the name of the _one other_ woman you’ve confessed to loving,” you roll your eyes at his obviousness sometimes. The two of you had spoken at length about the way things had got down with Lorianne, and although he rarely mentioned her name, and never spoke ill of her directly, you had always kept those conversations stored in your memory. 

“Oh, I never said I loved her. Not by a long shot.”

“You just said she broke your heart.”

“She did. Because she lied to me. Not because I loved her. I’ve only ever loved one woman in my life, you of all people should know that.”

“Oh gosh, what was her name? The communist you had me help you smuggle out of the country? Ellie? Elsa?”

“ _Very funny_ , Chiquita,” you can hear his frustrated sigh. “You aren’t still doubting if I love you? There can’t still be doubt there?”

“Oh I don’t know Javier, if you had asked me back in July I would’ve said I plan on spending forever with this guy. Then I don’t know, let me see if I remember this correctly? _You_ up and left _me_?” 

“Yeah, okay, I get it. I know I fucked up.” 

“So, yeah, I would say that I have some serious concerns when it comes to you saying you still love me.” 

There is a long pause and neither of you says anything. You sit there willing yourself to say something. You know you should tell Javier to go fuck himself, you know you should hang up this phone and never look back but you can’t. And now you see with perfect simplicity that you could never truly give up Javier Peña. You loved him, and you would always love him and no matter how much you tried hating him, you would always fall back in love with Javier Peña because he was your soulmate. And you were his. 

“I still do, you know,” he whispers. “I still love you. I still love you so goddamn much sometimes it hurts.” You can’t find the proper words to articulate what you’re feeling at this moment. You don’t know if it’s joy, knowing Javier still cares for you, anger, still that he left you to begin with, or fear, for whatever the future may bring. “Did you mean it? You planned on spending forever with me? You really wanted to settle down with an old dud like me?

“Yeah, Jav, I really did. I would’ve married you in a heartbeat. All you had to do was ask me,” you confess tearfully. “I would’ve gone with you anywhere. _All you had to do was ask_.”

“Well, It’s a good thing I didn’t then.” 

You laugh bitterly. “Oh, yeah? And why’s that?”

“I seem to remember, your very first day on the job you bet some officers that you would bring Escobar in yourself. And I know you don’t like to lose.” 

Your breathing hitches in your throat. Of fucking course Javier remembers that first fucking day. Of course, he remembered that interaction. Of course, he would bring it up now. You can’t believe how much of an asshole he can be when he wants to make a point. 

“Well, I’m pretty sure those officers are dead so it doesn’t matter much anyway.”

“Then promise me you see this through. Promise me you finish what we both set out to do and make sure that son of a bitch pays. For me.” 

“Okay, I promise, Agent Peña,” you hear him take another long breath. “Hey, Jav?”

“Yeah?”

“Can I call you tomorrow? To….talk? Run some things by you from the office?”

“You’d….want to do that?”

“Yes. Of course. I value your opinion, Agent Peña. Plus,” you bite your lip. “I would like to work on being friends. With you. Again.” You hear a sharp intake of breath. “Only if that’s what you want?” 

“Stop being fucking ridiculous, chiquita. Go to bed, I can tell you’re exhausted, I shouldn’t have woken you this late. And call me tomorrow from the office yeah?”

“Yeah, okay, I will. But I’m really glad you woke me up, Javier. Really really glad. I will talk to you tomorrow.”

You are about to hang up the phone when you hear his voice crack through the receiver.

“Hey!” You put the phone back to your ear. “I _love_ you.” You hear the emphasis on the word love and smile. “I fucking love you, and this time I’m not gonna fuck it up.”

“I’ll hold you to that, Agent Peña. Goodnight, Javi, I….love you too. Still, I really do.”

You click the button on the receiver and toss it on the chair across the way. You see two big green eyes staring at you in the semi-darkness. You roll your eyes at your slightly overweight tabby cat, reaching down and scooping up Mittens. 

“Only because I am in a good mood will I feed you early today,” you mutter. 

You make your way down to the kitchen and turn on the coffee maker before pouring the cat's food in their bowls. You weren’t going to be able to sleep. Not now. Not after finally having an answer to the question you’d been dying to know for months now. You knew why Javier left, you couldn't believe that he thought it was a valid reason, but now you knew. 

Javier Peña didn’t hate you. And he still wanted you. 

The problem was you didn’t know if you still wanted him if you even _could_ still want him. As you sit and stare out the window and watch the sunrise, three cats snuggle up closely around your feet, and several large cups of coffee later, you know that you have to find a way to forgive Javier Peña. For your own sanity. 

____♡____

November 30th - 1993 - Bogotá, Colombia

You had the audacity to mail Javier postcards every day. It was a small, sick joke you had with yourself. You know it was a little cruel to keep reminding him of his failure, and betrayal, especially since you had promised to work towards forgiveness. But that didn’t mean you couldn’t be a little petty along the way. 

You sent a postcard every day with a small message about some of your rather ambitious bedroom exploits the two of you had attempted here in Colombia. But you never signed your name, just a bright red lipstick mark. And every day he would call and comment on his mysterious secret admirer from Colombia. And every day you would pretend to be ignorant of any postcards, promising a full investigation as soon as you could spare the resources. 

Every day you spoke to Javier you could feel the forgiveness growing in your heart. You could hear the regret spill through each time you mentioned something about the job. The more you spoke with him the more you could hear his admiration for you, his pride in your continuous and determination in bringing in Escobar, and you could hear his concern over your well-being. You allowed yourself to have phone conversations with Javier just about every day at the office. They were brief, simple chats - just to colleagues running ideas past each other.

After a few days, you gave up all pretenses of trying not to seem like you wanted him back in your life just as desperately as he wanted you, and called him at night. Before bed. In the hopes that hearing him would stave off the demons that plague your dreams. It didn’t work. But he was always there on the first ring as soon as you woke up in tears. And he stayed as you drifted back off reading from whatever novel you had recommended to him that week. 

As the days passed it grew easier and easier to picture yourself forgiving Javier. Every time you mentioned being stuck in a warzone and how lonely you felt you could hear the turmoil in Javier’s voice. And you were slowly putting the pieces together of just how much Javier had been monitoring you down here since he left, by bothering others in your life - including Connie and your sister. Both of whom had been sworn to secrecy not to tell you about any of the conversations they had. He pestered Steve practically every day, asking him to make sure you were taking your medicine and your vitamins, making sure you were sleeping. He would ask Steve what you wore if he had seen you that day, how you looked, and if he knew if you were going out and making new friends. 

Apparently, Steve had been somewhat gracious about the phone calls at first but had become increasingly less gracious and increasingly more annoyed at Javier’s obvious need for you. Not to mention Steve having to watch you beat yourself up over the entire situation. Javier confessed that after Steve told him that you thought he hated you, he couldn’t stand himself. He couldn’t stand the thought of you believing that. He had tried to stay away because he thought it was the right thing to do in his mind, but he couldn’t. He couldn’t stand the self-loathing that came with knowing how much you must hate him for what he did. 

Now, after nearly four weeks of talking every day, you knew you could forgive Javier. You knew he was the only man you ever really understood. You knew that you couldn’t say with certainty that you would’ve done the exact same thing had the roles been reversed. You knew that after everything the two of you had experienced together down here, that he had made a stupid mistake. An incredibly stupid mistake - fueled by years and years of traumatic moments, horrible events, and terrible people. 

Javier was distant and cold because of the things he had seen down here, and some of the things he had experienced before Colombia. Many of the same things you had experienced yourself. As both you and Javier spend time together reflecting over the phone about your time in Colombia, you realize just how much you had changed. 

Last month you had sought out a way to shoot a shotgun! Something you never would’ve believed about yourself before Colombia. But now it seemed like the natural progression of what had happened to you down here. Violence in all forms used to be abhorrent to you, no matter what. Now you accepted it, sometimes even welcomed it. And you think in some strange way Javier had been a balancing force in your life. He had kept you steady in the face of all the horrific things you faced down here. 

You could forgive Javier Peña. You knew you could. Time could heal all these wounds. There may be scars, some deep and ugly scars, but the wounds would heal. And Javier would be there to kiss the scars for the rest of your life, of that you were convinced. 

____♡____

December 2nd - 1993 - Bogotá, Colombia

You bite at the nails as you pace around the room. You hear the crackle of the radio through the tiny speaker perched on the desk of the conference room. 

“He’s dead. Confirmed.”

_Dead._

_Confirmed._

The words come over the radio but you can’t comprehend them. No one can. You all just look up at one another in stunned silence. Greg reaches for the walk and takes it in his hand, he pushes the button and pauses, looking at you, before nervously asking. 

“Please give second confirmation. Is Escobar dead?”

“Yes. Confirmed. Escobar is fucking dead.” It’s Steve's voice, you recognize it as clear as day. If it’s Steve saying it, it’s real. 

_It’s real._

Pablo fucking Escobar is dead.

It hits you so hard you have to lean over, grabbing your stomach. You think you might be sick. The room is spinning as you stumble into the chair. Greg is grinning at you as he high fives a few other of the analyst. You feel a few slaps on the back but you are still in a state of shock. You hadn’t even really considered this day. You hadn’t ever thought about what would happen on this day, or what would happen after this day. Of course, you had thought about it, casually, never making plans or thinking beyond the scale of this investigation. You had never considered that one day you wouldn’t have a Pablo to chase anymore. And the crushing realization that there is nothing left for you here in Colombia, or possibly even outside Colombia, makes your head spin. 

There’s cheering and clapping. There are bottles popping. The news is blaring. It’s being announced everywhere. Radio. TV. The phones are ringing on every desk. And every single person needs your attention because now they are questions to be answered and people to be briefed. 

But you can’t seem to focus. You need to tell...someone. You need to tell Javier Peña. He needs to know. He _deserves_ to know, you rationalize. But you know that first, you have to focus and do your job. 

“I want you on the first flight out of here. You will need to brief the joint chiefs on Monday.”

You just nod your head. You didn’t need to brief the ambassador, he was already looking at the news. To your surprise, news cameras were already outside where the shootout had just taken place, moments before trying to get a glimpse of the body. You can see one blonde mop-top rushing around, directing people somewhere in the background. 

“Hey kid,” The Ambassador says to you and it startles you so much you practically jump. You're still in shock. After spending so much time chasing one man, it feels surreal to suddenly stop running and….just breathe. You look at him and he’s grinning as he raises his glass of freshly poured whiskey. “You did good.”

You smile at him wearily. 

“Thanks, sir. Somehow this still doesn’t feel like a victory though,” you add rather grimly.

“Yeah, well let’s try and treat it as such,” he bows his head and you take it as your cue to leave. You turn and when your hand lands on the knob a sudden rush of emotions creeps over you with everything suddenly becoming crystal clear. You turn. “Actually sir, could I make a stop home first. I - I would really like to see some loved ones. First. It would be a relief, after, well, after all this.” 

You can see the Ambassador's surprise. You had never discussed your personal life with him, and very few people here at the embassy actually knew where home was for you. No one besides Javier and Steve knew about your twin and that causes you to realize with shocking clarity that no one here knew you _had_ any family or loved ones to go home to. 

“I don’t care what you do as long as your ass is in D.C. Monday morning to debrief.” 

“Yes, sir. Thank you,” you give him a nod. 

“Hey, Doc,” you turn to him. “Give ‘em my best. This is his victory too,” this causes you to turn your head with raised eyebrows. You just look at the Ambassador with confusion not saying anything. 

“I’m not as blind as you think, kid. Go, I’ll talk to you Monday.” 

____♡____

December - Laredo, Texas - 1993

"Mijo, there is….a woman here to see you," Javier looks up from the newspaper at his father with a confused look. 

"What?"

"A woman," he states again. Then he leans a little closer. "You know I don't like to get involved in your personal life, but I don't think this is the kind of people we should welcome around here, Javier." 

Javier is now more confused. He couldn't think of a person, let alone a woman, within one hundred miles who would have come to see him. 

"What the hell are you talking about, Pop?" He stands up roughly and makes his way towards the porch. He can feel his father walking closely behind him apparently as curious as he was to see who was waiting for him. He swings the porch door open roughly, ready to yell at whoever was here to bother him, but his jaw drops when he sees your figure standing at the edge of the porch looking dreamily off into the distance.

In front of him was the woman he had spent the last several months dreaming about, every waking minute Javier had tortured himself with the thought of you down in Colombia with him. He should’ve stayed. He knows that now. He should’ve just fucking stayed, no matter how prideful he felt, he should’ve stayed with you. You had filled practically every daydream and every nightmare. But here you stood, in one of the most revealing outfits he had ever seen you in no less, on his father's front porch in Texas.

Your shorts were so short he could see the curve of your ass. You had tied a shirt loosely around your middle, so your midriff was exposed which was greatly complimented by the lacey black bra peeking out on top. And as what he could only assume was your version of a joke, you had a cowboy hat on top of your head that had clearly been purchased at a gas station along the highway. You turn around at the noise of the door opening and give him a sly smile.

Javier is completely speechless at just the sight of you. 

"Agent Peña, it's good to see you again," you smile as you mockingly extend your hand for him to shake. 

Without thinking, Javi takes one stride and grabs you, pulling you in for a kiss. Before you know it, you feel his hands snaking down your back and grasping your ass. Just like the two of you had rehearsed so many times before, you instinctively jumped up and wrapped your legs around him as he continued to kiss you as urgently and passionately as possible. After a moment you break away for air and press your forehead to his, giggling at his reaction. 

"It's good to see you too, Doc," he smiles at you and you throw your head back with a laugh. Javi takes the opportunity to place a line of kisses down your neck and onto your chest before making his way back up and onto your jaw. 

You hear his father clear his throat behind the two of you, and you glance up over Javier’s shoulder at him, suddenly very embarrassed by this whole display. 

You feel Javi's hands move from your ass to your waist, and you slip back down onto your own feet. But you don't want to break contact, so you wrap your arm around his and take hold of his hand before placing a soft kiss on his shoulder. 

"Uh, sorry pop, this - this is the woman I mentioned. She and I worked together. In Colombia. She….well she’s a very good friend," Javi clears his throat as he says this, and you giggle a little into his shoulder at how awkward this entire situation is.

"Hi," You break away from Javi and extend your hand offering your name. "I'm sorry about...well I am sorry I showed up like this. I thought it was a joke. That he lived here with his father." You realize, without intending to, you had said something truly horrible. It wasn’t what you meant at all, but of course your nerves of meeting Javier’s father finally, coupled with being practically naked in front of him, made you say the perfectly wrong thing. So you quickly try and recover. "Because I would’ve thought you’d have kicked him out long ago with the way he smells."

You quickly grab Javier's arm and pull yourself closer to him trying somewhat to hide your exposed figure - your very exposed figure. You can tell that Javier finds this entire situation rather hilarious, and you make a mental note to find a way for payback later. 

"You were his roommate?" His father smiles at him. 

"Yes. We lived together for part of my time down there." His father's eyebrows shoot up at this, and you can tell by the smile on his face that despite your awkward arrival he is very happy you are here.

“For most of our time down there, actually,” Javier adds. 

“Well, I am pleased to finally make your acquaintance. My son here speaks very highly of you. He told me you were the most intelligent person he’s ever met.”

You grin. Sometimes payback is served to you on a silver platter. 

“Oh, is that right?” You look at Javier and he can see the look of sheer thrill that dawns on your features. He smiles, because he missed you. He missed the twinkle in your eyes when you’re extra excited about something. He missed your bright smile, and the playful squeeze you’d give his arm when you wanted him to pay extra attention to what was happening. He missed everything about you, he can’t believe how much the ache in his heart hurt until the moment he saw you. He has no idea how he possibly survived this long without you. So he puts his arm around your shoulder and gives it a happy, playful squeeze.

“I’m pretty sure I said one of the most intelligent women I’ve ever meant.”

“Oh, I forgot Agent Peña, that I am once again just another woman in your eyes.” 

“Well, you are the most beautiful woman in my eyes.” 

You make a fake gagging sound and Javier throws his head back and laughs. You look toward his father and you can see a real genuine look of happiness as he beams between the two of you. Despite the fact that you had shown up looking rather unsavory for a first impression, his father didn’t seem to mind. He seemed thrilled that his son was in the company of someone else, someone who he clearly loved. Your heart warms at the thought that his father had likely been waiting for you to come into his son’s life too because he wanted to see his son happy. He wanted to see his son loved - and now that you were here, he could see that he was. 

“Dad, this is my girlfriend. We’ve been together for a few years now. I...well I very much am in love with her.”

Even you are surprised with how straight forward Javier is when he says this. It isn’t like him to be so forthcoming with his feelings, so you just stare up at him with a stunned look. He looks back down at you with such adoration, such love you can feel your cheeks start to heat up. His father clears his throat again, but your eyes don’t leave Javier’s when he speaks.

“Well, it’s a pleasure to meet you. We are happy you are here,” His father gives a little bow of his head. “Why don’t you show her around the ranch? Show her to your….room?”

“Yeah, Javi, why don’t you show me your room?” You giggle at the thought of getting to see the room where teenage Javier had grown up. The possibility that there could still be relics from years past thrills you. 

But Javier doesn’t lead you back into the small house. Instead, he leads down the porch steps and out onto the gravel driveway. He points out the three barns that his family has been using for generations to herd the cattle, and a stable - apparently different from a barn - to house the horses. You didn’t realize from Javier’s descriptions just how large the property his family owned truly was. You also didn’t realize how beautiful it was, in its own charming Texas way. It was dry and dusty and you were already starting to sweat from the heat. But you loved it. 

You realize while you clung to Javier’s arm as he helped you navigate the perils of the dirt trails in the heels you had opted for in order to complete your outfit, that you didn’t really care about the ranch, the weather, or the scenery - you loved it because you were here with Javier. You loved it because you were together with the person who mattered to you most in this life. 

You stop for a second in front of one of the old wooden barns as Javier starts to explain something, but you don’t hear a word. You silently bring your hands up to your face and try to snap a mental picture. You want to remember this moment. You want to remember this moment for how clearly you know that you love Javier Pena, and there is nothing that you want more than to spend the rest of your life with him. 

“ - so you need to keep an open mind if you want to stay here, I mean,” he looks up at you sheepishly. You realize you hadn’t heard a word of what he just said, but the look on his face tells you it was important. 

“My mind is always open.”

“Not when it comes to keeping things clean,” he murmurs. He places his hand on the small of your back and opens the door to the barn. You step in, and it’s remarkably clean. You don’t smell what you imagine a barn would smell like and as you look around you realize it’s….furnished. 

Your jaw drops when you look around and see a small kitchenette set up in the corner, a wooden table in the center, chairs and shelves and rugs placed around the room to make it look like a home. Large wooden pegs stuck to the walls hang ropes and equipment, a pair of ladders on the closest wall lead up to the loft. You smile when you see bales of hay illuminated by hanging lights dangling from the rafters. It was incredibly rustic, yet still managed to feel cozy. Half home, half barn, and though the ceiling, walls, and floors were all wooden planks, it felt well kept and comfortable. 

“You’re - you’re living here?” You turn your head around taking in the space, noting the number of lights illuminating the small space making it feel cozy. You note a door off to the side and a bunch of tools scattered inside the small room. 

“Were you not just listening?”

“I….for sure was. But in case I wasn’t….”

Javier turns and faces you with a smile. “I explained that I am working for my father to buy this piece of land. I want to build a house on it. Till then, I have made this a temporary arrangement. But it’s growing on me.”

“Javi, I’m….this is amazing.” You run your hands over the mismatched chairs surrounding a table made from what looked like old wine barrels and a slab of polished wood. There’s an old leather sofa in the middle of the room with some blankets thrown over the back and a small very, very old rabbit-eared TV in the corner.

“You - you like it?” He seems surprised.

“Yeah, why - how could I not love this? It’s so....cozy.”

“I thought it might be a little too dirty for your taste?” 

“Hey! I’ve gotten….better,” you say it a little too defensively, and Javier chuckles darkly as he approaches you and puts his hands on your hips. 

“Yeah...so if I did,” he quickly lifts grabs you by the ass and you let out a little squeal as he places you on a nearby dusty, old, dirty wooden barrel. “...this, you will be just fine. Right?” 

“EW!” You shriek as you jump off the barrel and start frantically swatting at your ass. Javier starts laughing as you throw him a dirty look. But then you see the look that crosses his eye and you know he means business. You turn and sprint towards the door, getting as far as the door before his arm hooks around your waist and he pulls you around and into a passionate kiss. But before he can get further, you reach down and grab the bulge in his pants and he moans into your mouth. You use his temporary distraction to wiggle free of his arm and bolt out the door and towards the side of the barn.

You round the corner and see a truck, which you assume is his, parked under the roof of the barn. Next to it are two tractors, and even more hay. Seriously, how much hay could there possibly be in one barn? You stop for a moment and regard just how much land lays beyond the barn. You can’t even see another building beyond this, all you see is more grassland and a few cattle scattered over the hills.

You can hear Javier laughing as he casually strolls around the corner. 

“Where are you going?” 

You turn just in time to feel Javier’s lips on yours and he’s backing you up until you hit the back of the truck bed.

“Don’t think I forgive you, Javier,” you whine as he kisses down your neck and onto your collarbone. “You are not out of the dog house yet.”

“Yeah, I know,” he whispers as he pulls you up and onto the truck bed without parting from your lips, kissing you with a slow intensity. 

“Don’t think I forgive you,” your words are hollow. 

“I know,” he hums against your collar bone as he slips the shirt you have up and over your head. 

“Just because I’m here doesn’t mean anything,”

This gets him to pull back; he has a smirk on his face and you want to smack him. God, you want to smack him but in this light, he looks so goddamn handsome it’s sinful.

“So you deciding to stop here has nothing to do with forgiveness?” 

He uses air quotes and it annoys you because he’s right. Of course he’s fucking right. You had forgiven Javier the moment he had called you. You had forgiven him the moment you heard his voice. For better or for worse, you always knew you would forgive Javier the moment he asked you.

“Not even a little bit,” you realize how ridiculous you sound. You’re shirtless, in the shortest pair of shorts you’ve ever owned on the back of Javier’s old pickup truck in his barn in Texas. “I don’t forgive you.”

“Fine, can I at least keep kissing you?” 

“I didn’t come here for you not to fuck me.”

“You just came here to tell me that you do not forgive me.” 

You narrow your eyes at him. 

“Just fuck me, Javi. We can discuss this later,” your strong resolve was sinking. 

“No,” he smiles at you as he leans over and kisses the top of your breasts through your lace bra, then trails his nose up along your neck before landing a soft kiss on your lips. “I don’t think I will.” 

“Javier Peña, if this idiotic outfit isn’t on the floor of this ridiculous barn that you are calling a house in the next minute I’m going - ”

He pulls back from you completely, taking a step back and crossing his arms over his chest and you let out a small whine. 

“You’ll what?” He smirks. He knows exactly what he is doing and it’s making you furious. 

“Fine. I don’t need this.” You slide off the flatbed of his truck, dramatically pushing past him toward the exit before two strong arms wrap around your waist from behind, and his hands land on your exposed midriff. You shudder at the feeling and naturally, your head rolls back against his shoulder. You feel his lips against your ear as he playfully nips at your ear lobe. 

“You’ll what? Tell me.” 

“I’ll….I'll leave your ass,” your words have no weight behind them, they are empty, meaningless and he knows it. You are putty in his hands as he twists you around with a wicked smile.

“No, you won’t.”

“Is that a challenge, Pena?”

“Maybe,” he leans down and rests his forehead on yours. “Or maybe I know you're my girl.”

You sigh as you wrap your arms around his torso. “Yeah, I am. I’m yours, through and through.”

“As much as I love this outfit, and as excited as I am to take it off, I really, I just - I just want to hold you. For a bit. In our home.” 

You pull back and narrow your eyes. 

“I’m not living in a fucking barn in Texas, Jav. Not even for you.”

He chuckles lightly as he presses a kiss on your lips. He pulls you into his chest and rests his chin on the top of your head, swaying slightly.

“I know. Trust me, I thought about it. I’m gonna build you a house that you’ll love.” 

You consider his offer for a moment, realizing just what exactly Javier was saying with those words. You bite your lip as the emotions of the past several moments finally catch up to you. 

“And the children?”

“You mean the cats?”

“Children,” you correct him, nodding your head. 

“I’ll make sure they get their own room. Don’t worry,” he sighs pressing another kiss into your hair.

“Okay. I’ll stick around then,” you take a deep breath and just relax into him. You both stand there for a long moment, silently swaying in Jaiver’s temporary barn house. “But I want a nice kitchen,” you break the silence as you speak into Javier’s chest. “And I want a nice patio.”

Javi merely chuckles. 

“And I want a big garden so I can grow my own food.”

“The deer will eat it all, I’m afraid.”

“Well, you're smart. You can figure a way to outsmart some deer I’m sure.” 

Javier pulls you back and takes your chin in his hands. 

“For you? Yeah, I think I can figure something out.”

You smile and bury your head into his chest. There was still so much that was uncertain about the future. Still, so many things left to do in Colombia. Still, so many things you and Javier had to work through. But the forever you held in your arms had never been clearer.

____♡____

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tumblr - perropascal   
> follow me to vote in polls shaping this story!


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